Eyes open, hands closed.
I don't like to put my negativity out, but I feel like if I don't vent I'm going to explode. Feel more than free to ignore the LJ cut below, it is largely anger and frustration. Here's a video instead!
This has been a bad day. While driving to work I fell asleep, I "nod off" a lot, but it's usually only for a split second. This morning though, I actually fell asleep and ended up changing lanes, cutting off a semi-truck. It was by far one of the most fucked up feelings I've ever had. Utter panic and confusion.
Work was horrible afterward: other people's incompetence and belligerence raping what little patience I had for the day.
It started yesterday, which was the upswing of this stress wave. I had my precision measurement Final Exam and it was the most absurd, amateur bullshit I have ever encountered. It has completely shaken my faith in this school to give me the training I need to excel in my career. First off, it was designed by another student in my class because we didn't have one designed. We had to use precision measurement tools to find measurements with a .001 of an inch tolerance that are only accurate at a .01: on uneven, unmachined surfaces with a variation of at least .01 in the first place. We were not tested on proficiency or skill, but fucking luck.
I've dealt with a lot, no guidance (we are given the materials to learn and left to teach ourselves and each other), shitty tools, classes that stress the obvious and unimportant and barely go over critical subjects, assignments with incomplete information and so vague you have to guess at what the fuck you are even being asked to do.
I ended up with a 96%, so did one other student, but we didn't earn those grades. I could have, would have, if we were given a real exam instead of a bad joke. I can use the tools well, everyone can -it is not so difficult. Six people failed the test. Half the class got poor but passing scores, and the others who did well probably didn't earn them either - and the student who wrote the test - he got a 100%. I don't feel right about it. Because we got good scores, the administration will cite us as examples of the test being fair when we all know it wasn't. We're a very cooperative class, but there is an undertone of competition -we're all going after the same jobs. I just don't know how I feel about it right now. Either way, I'm not going to class today. I'm fucking pissed off, exhausted and frustrated right now. I feel like shit for not going though - missing days is as bad as getting a bad score.
They are talking about eliminating my client as a 1 on 1 at work; because he's shown amazing improvement and they don't think he justifies the expense any more - behind my back no less. He still has so much potential, so much more he can do and this is flat out selling him short. Furthermore, I'd more than likely be reincorporated into a community group or given a new 1 on 1 -the likely candidate being someone who has no business being in the community. I've gone through a lot to bring my guy to the level he's at -unpaid hours, personal expenses and hard work, I could've been lazy, not given a shit like so many of my coworkers, but I did my job, and I feel like I'm being punished for it.
This morning has made me really evaluate my work situation: should I quit? Where will I work? I'm willing to deal with the hour+ commute because I love my job, working with my client and some of my coworkers who have become good friends -but not if it's going to get me killed. winter is coming, and I just don't know what to do. The economy is rough, and I don't even know if I'll be able to find something decent.
There's just too much confusion, duplicity, too much stress, too much bullshit for me to deal with right now. I'm growing discontent, overwhelmed and under appreciated. I need to make changes before that grows roots -things have been good, happy, simple for me and I need to maintain that above all else. I need warmth and simple joy, stability and coherence not randomness, conflict and stress. Life is hard right now, and balancing hard and good is a hell of a task - but one with worthwhile rewards.
Click to viewThis has been a bad day. While driving to work I fell asleep, I "nod off" a lot, but it's usually only for a split second. This morning though, I actually fell asleep and ended up changing lanes, cutting off a semi-truck. It was by far one of the most fucked up feelings I've ever had. Utter panic and confusion.
Work was horrible afterward: other people's incompetence and belligerence raping what little patience I had for the day.
It started yesterday, which was the upswing of this stress wave. I had my precision measurement Final Exam and it was the most absurd, amateur bullshit I have ever encountered. It has completely shaken my faith in this school to give me the training I need to excel in my career. First off, it was designed by another student in my class because we didn't have one designed. We had to use precision measurement tools to find measurements with a .001 of an inch tolerance that are only accurate at a .01: on uneven, unmachined surfaces with a variation of at least .01 in the first place. We were not tested on proficiency or skill, but fucking luck.
I've dealt with a lot, no guidance (we are given the materials to learn and left to teach ourselves and each other), shitty tools, classes that stress the obvious and unimportant and barely go over critical subjects, assignments with incomplete information and so vague you have to guess at what the fuck you are even being asked to do.
I ended up with a 96%, so did one other student, but we didn't earn those grades. I could have, would have, if we were given a real exam instead of a bad joke. I can use the tools well, everyone can -it is not so difficult. Six people failed the test. Half the class got poor but passing scores, and the others who did well probably didn't earn them either - and the student who wrote the test - he got a 100%. I don't feel right about it. Because we got good scores, the administration will cite us as examples of the test being fair when we all know it wasn't. We're a very cooperative class, but there is an undertone of competition -we're all going after the same jobs. I just don't know how I feel about it right now. Either way, I'm not going to class today. I'm fucking pissed off, exhausted and frustrated right now. I feel like shit for not going though - missing days is as bad as getting a bad score.
They are talking about eliminating my client as a 1 on 1 at work; because he's shown amazing improvement and they don't think he justifies the expense any more - behind my back no less. He still has so much potential, so much more he can do and this is flat out selling him short. Furthermore, I'd more than likely be reincorporated into a community group or given a new 1 on 1 -the likely candidate being someone who has no business being in the community. I've gone through a lot to bring my guy to the level he's at -unpaid hours, personal expenses and hard work, I could've been lazy, not given a shit like so many of my coworkers, but I did my job, and I feel like I'm being punished for it.
This morning has made me really evaluate my work situation: should I quit? Where will I work? I'm willing to deal with the hour+ commute because I love my job, working with my client and some of my coworkers who have become good friends -but not if it's going to get me killed. winter is coming, and I just don't know what to do. The economy is rough, and I don't even know if I'll be able to find something decent.
There's just too much confusion, duplicity, too much stress, too much bullshit for me to deal with right now. I'm growing discontent, overwhelmed and under appreciated. I need to make changes before that grows roots -things have been good, happy, simple for me and I need to maintain that above all else. I need warmth and simple joy, stability and coherence not randomness, conflict and stress. Life is hard right now, and balancing hard and good is a hell of a task - but one with worthwhile rewards.