leaving long beach
Always travel with small bills for cocktails on airplanes.
Running up and down the stairwell trying to erase everything that's fading from my mind.
Slowly things are ebbing.
So slowly.
What does one do to erase the memory, erase everything that you lived for for years and years and what you thought was going to be your whole life.
What do you do, who do you become, who were you all those years and why do you have to change now
is it because you were in fact nothing before and now have to become something in order to just exist.
There is no option to simply not exist. You have to continue living and breathing and planning every single day even while youre not sure how or why you would want to or need to or really should.
You have to figure out how to simply get thru the day and on to the next while remaining standing. Sometimes that's all you really can do.
If you've done that all day you have been successful you know your finially doing better when someone asks you how you are and you can atleast answer without a complete breakdown and tears for days and days.
And then there you are puffy eyes, white wine, a lifted hotel pillow flying over California heading back home to the nothing that is now your everything.
You sit among couples wearing pastels eating mcdonalds from hours earlier discussing how in the world they will be able to manage the 46 degree weather that seattle will have to offer them.
So many "hairdos" and comfortable shoes.
You think twice for a second about ordering the $5 wine, simply because it really isn't noon yet, you haven't had really anything to eat, and then that second passes because you really just cant handle tomato juice or tonic water these days.
If youre going to drink your calories they may as well have an intoxicating benefit. How many drinks do they allow you?
Would they cut you off if you took off your shirt and declared a dance party? Would the woman with the bouffant reading the us weekly dance with you?
Would she passionately kiss her husband when their song came on? Will they go home and turn on the radio and dance the night away in their double wide?
The wine enters your bloodstream and you feel your legs relax. Maybe this will be alright after all.
Maybe youll have mcdonalds later. Maybe not.
Maybe youll go home and plan out your life and become successful and stay healthy and live a long enjoyable life. Or maybe the plane will go down right here over lake tahoe.
You can swim.
you wonder if youd have time to get your bathing suit out of your suitcase. Maybe you should ask the flight attendant.
Maybe youll hide in the lavatory and become a flight attendant and always have white wine for breakfast and all your tights will be blue. And blue skirts with blue tops.
Would you need blue shoes as well?
That might be harder to come by. Maybe when you fly to vegas, there is great shopping in vegas.
Or maybe all youll need is a few bathing suits because you will be at the bottom of lake tahoe.
How did everyone get so old?
It would be so rude to eat tuna fish on an airplane, and yet they were selling tons of it in the terminal.
Seatbelt sign has been turned on. Grab your swimsuit.
Who are you going to sleep with when you return home?
Who are you going to write love letters to, who are you going to obsess over during those long hours at work, who is going to take up all the empty space in your head?
Who is going to keep you alive now?
How many glasses of wine is it going to take to get you to fall into your regular restless sweaty sleep?
How many bottles and tears and chapped lips, dry hands, early mornings is it going to take for you to be satisfied with your life?
Do you want to be satisfied? Do you want to be stable and calm and secure?
Do you want to be random and scared and surprised and up and down and all around.
Do you want to share your bed with the one you love or do you want to travel from bed to bed and invite men with names you cant remember over for nights you don't really care for only to ask them to leave before they have even found their socks?
What is your goal?
How should you know what your goal is, how do you know what makes you happy when you have never been happy.
How do you know what to do when the only think you can think about it drinking and being so infatuated that your clothes never get put back on.
How do you function when you mind is so constantly obsessed with everything that you cant seem to attain.
Your years are passing quickly.
You forget how old you are every day.
is this really how people live? Does it really matter how people live? Do you really care?
What are you going to do?
How are you going to make this work?
Find a boy to take home. Find ten boys to take home. Find something to do with your hands. Find a place start. Find an infatuation. Find ten. Get laid. A lot. Forget their names.
Make shit up.
Be that person that doesn't exist. You forgot all about your band and the CBI and all those lies and drinks and boys who followed you home to stick their limp dick in your desperate pussy.
Be someone interesting.
Be yourself.
Because unless this plane goes down, its too difficult to die.
Running up and down the stairwell trying to erase everything that's fading from my mind.
Slowly things are ebbing.
So slowly.
What does one do to erase the memory, erase everything that you lived for for years and years and what you thought was going to be your whole life.
What do you do, who do you become, who were you all those years and why do you have to change now
is it because you were in fact nothing before and now have to become something in order to just exist.
There is no option to simply not exist. You have to continue living and breathing and planning every single day even while youre not sure how or why you would want to or need to or really should.
You have to figure out how to simply get thru the day and on to the next while remaining standing. Sometimes that's all you really can do.
If you've done that all day you have been successful you know your finially doing better when someone asks you how you are and you can atleast answer without a complete breakdown and tears for days and days.
And then there you are puffy eyes, white wine, a lifted hotel pillow flying over California heading back home to the nothing that is now your everything.
You sit among couples wearing pastels eating mcdonalds from hours earlier discussing how in the world they will be able to manage the 46 degree weather that seattle will have to offer them.
So many "hairdos" and comfortable shoes.
You think twice for a second about ordering the $5 wine, simply because it really isn't noon yet, you haven't had really anything to eat, and then that second passes because you really just cant handle tomato juice or tonic water these days.
If youre going to drink your calories they may as well have an intoxicating benefit. How many drinks do they allow you?
Would they cut you off if you took off your shirt and declared a dance party? Would the woman with the bouffant reading the us weekly dance with you?
Would she passionately kiss her husband when their song came on? Will they go home and turn on the radio and dance the night away in their double wide?
The wine enters your bloodstream and you feel your legs relax. Maybe this will be alright after all.
Maybe youll have mcdonalds later. Maybe not.
Maybe youll go home and plan out your life and become successful and stay healthy and live a long enjoyable life. Or maybe the plane will go down right here over lake tahoe.
You can swim.
you wonder if youd have time to get your bathing suit out of your suitcase. Maybe you should ask the flight attendant.
Maybe youll hide in the lavatory and become a flight attendant and always have white wine for breakfast and all your tights will be blue. And blue skirts with blue tops.
Would you need blue shoes as well?
That might be harder to come by. Maybe when you fly to vegas, there is great shopping in vegas.
Or maybe all youll need is a few bathing suits because you will be at the bottom of lake tahoe.
How did everyone get so old?
It would be so rude to eat tuna fish on an airplane, and yet they were selling tons of it in the terminal.
Seatbelt sign has been turned on. Grab your swimsuit.
Who are you going to sleep with when you return home?
Who are you going to write love letters to, who are you going to obsess over during those long hours at work, who is going to take up all the empty space in your head?
Who is going to keep you alive now?
How many glasses of wine is it going to take to get you to fall into your regular restless sweaty sleep?
How many bottles and tears and chapped lips, dry hands, early mornings is it going to take for you to be satisfied with your life?
Do you want to be satisfied? Do you want to be stable and calm and secure?
Do you want to be random and scared and surprised and up and down and all around.
Do you want to share your bed with the one you love or do you want to travel from bed to bed and invite men with names you cant remember over for nights you don't really care for only to ask them to leave before they have even found their socks?
What is your goal?
How should you know what your goal is, how do you know what makes you happy when you have never been happy.
How do you know what to do when the only think you can think about it drinking and being so infatuated that your clothes never get put back on.
How do you function when you mind is so constantly obsessed with everything that you cant seem to attain.
Your years are passing quickly.
You forget how old you are every day.
is this really how people live? Does it really matter how people live? Do you really care?
What are you going to do?
How are you going to make this work?
Find a boy to take home. Find ten boys to take home. Find something to do with your hands. Find a place start. Find an infatuation. Find ten. Get laid. A lot. Forget their names.
Make shit up.
Be that person that doesn't exist. You forgot all about your band and the CBI and all those lies and drinks and boys who followed you home to stick their limp dick in your desperate pussy.
Be someone interesting.
Be yourself.
Because unless this plane goes down, its too difficult to die.