(no subject)
At the suggestion of Ryan (and, really, something I was debating doing earlier), I am posting the lastest draft of the script to my two-quarter film. It may seem long, but that's largely a formatting issue... it's around 9 script pages, so it ought to be a pretty quick read (seven minutes or so?)
If you happen to have a spare few minutes, and could give me some feedback on the script, I would really appreciate it. Even if it's just a suggestion on a single line, or an entire ripping apart of the whole story, it's more feedback than I've received in class, heh.
Thank you all very much.
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
ASHLEY, 8, sits on the floor in front of a large
television. She munches on a bag of snack food.
ODILE THE IGUANA, wearing a leash, sits next to
her. They stare blankly at the 11-O'-Clock News.
NEWSCASTER
--and today on Wall Street, the Dow
dropped 95 points to 10,986. Investors
are scambling to --
Odile closes her eyes.
ASHLEY
I don't get what they're talking about,
either. Here, have a cheese doodle.
She fishes a cheese-flavored snack out of the bag and offers
it to Odile.
CUT TO: INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE -- UPSTAIRS
JOSEPH, JOSH, and JACK, all 17, sit around a
large, blown-glass smoking aid. They look
disheveled, and are involved in a
JOSEPH
Like, to me, God can be anything. It
could... it could be this table (points
to an empty spot of floor) God is this
table.
JOSH
Dude, I just... I don't even see the
table there.
JACK
Because it's divine, man.
RAPHAEL, 18 and AGATHA, 18, sit on the floor to the right of the
three stoners. Agatha is dressed in typical indie kid
fashion; clearly, she is dissatisfied with the world.†
Raphael puts his hand on top of Agatha's. He smiles a wide,
awkward grin. Agatha is unimpressed.
JOSEPH
--but tables can't have beards!
Agatha sighs, and is led by the hand into Raphael's bedroom.
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE -- BEDROOM - NIGHT
Raphael emphatically opens the door to his
bedroom.
RAPHAEL
Ta-da!
Around the room are candles of all sorts -- random tea
lights, "Over the Hill" birthday candles, cartoon-character
shaped candles, stuck into various objects. They are in bits
of Play-Doh, cupcakes, menorahs, etc.
AGATHA
Oh, hell.
Raphael kisses Agatha on the neck and gives her a playful
shove toward the bed. She falls off-screen with a loud thud.
Raphael looks concerned.
CUT TO: SUBURBAN HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
The sound of the thump upstairs cause Ashley and
Odile to look upwards.
ASHLEY
Monsters?
She cautiously stands up to investigate as THE POWER GOES
OUT.
CUT TO: SUBURBAN HOMES -- EXTERIOR - NIGHT
The lights go off in the windows of surrounding
homes.
CUT TO: SUBURBAN HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Ashley stands in complete darkness.
ASHLEY
...okay, hopefully not monsters.
She looks down and notices that Odile is missing. A
SHUFFLING is heard heading toward the basement.
ASHLEY
(timidly)
Odile? Come here, girl, there are maybe
some cheese doodle crumbs left...
CUT TO: SUBURBAN HOUSE -- UPSTAIRS - NIGHT
Joseph, Josh, and Jack sit in the darkness.
JOSEPH
...whoa.
JACK
But I really really wanted Taco Hut.
JOSEPH
Me too, brother, me too.
JOSH
Guys, I think we can still go to Taco
Hut.
JOSEPH
No way, dude, that's just what The Man
wants you to think!
JOSH
What?
JOSEPH
Think about it, man. There's. No. Power.
And you can't drive a car without power,
right? So if you even try, The Man is
going to, like... leap out of the
bushes. And you don't want to know what
he'll do to you, man.
JACK
Shit, dude, we're trapped here. I'm--
I'm-- freaking out, man!
JOSH
Yo, just calm down! I'm going to shed
some light on this situation.
He smiles at his own wit, and pulls out a Game Boy. He turns
it on. The small screen illuminates the room only slightly.
Tinny video game music plays as the three of them sit on the
floor.
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE -- BEDROOM - NIGHT
Raphael is on top of Agatha; both are laying on
the bed. He moves himself under the covers, down
toward her feet, and out of frame. Agatha makes a
face, the sort one might make when given a small
needle. Annoyed, she passes a finger back and
forth through the flame of a nearby candle.
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE -- BASEMENT - NIGHT
Ashley stands at the top of the basement stairs,
adjusting a helmet she has made for her head (two
flashlights duct-taped to either side of a
baseball cap). She turns on the flashlights and
walks cautiously down the stairs.
ASHLEY
Odile? Are you down here?
She explores the basement, turning her head toward
strange sounds and shadows in the darkness. She is
eventually startled by one large shadow, and runs
up the stairs, screaming.
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE -- UPSTAIRS - NIGHT
Music is still playing on the video game device as
Jack, Josh, and Joseph sit on the floor.
JOSEPH
(twitching)
I think this music is, like... having
its way with my brain. All night. I
think my brain just wanted some
hand-holding, man.
JACK
It's getting to me too.
JOSH
You know what? That's it. I'm going to
go get help.
Josh stands up.
JOSEPH
But there's no power, how do you think
the door works?!
JOSH
...oh.
Josh pauses. They all nod solemnly.
JOSH
You know what? Fuck science, fuck power,
I am going to open that door, and...
and...
JACK
...find power?
JOSH
Yeah!
Josh marches toward the door and opens it with great flare.
JACK AND JOSEPH
(impressed)
Whoa.
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE -- STAIRWAY - NIGHT
Josh slowly heads down the stairs, but is stopped
midway by Ashley, who runs screaming up the
stairs.
JOSH
Chillax, man, all the light is strapped
to your head!
Ashley stops in front of John and catches her breath.
JOSH
Wait, you're not a man.
He pokes at the flashlights and taps her on the head.
JOSH
You're... a robot man!
ASHLEY
(shrugs)
Close enough. Do you know where Raphael
or Odile are?
JOSH
(subservient)
Oh! Of course, Mr. Robot, he's right up
here. Uh. Do you know where all the
power went?
ASHLEY
(sighing)
I'm sure it will come back soon.
Ashley and Josh walk back up the stairs. SMALL SHADOW dashes
up the stairs past them, and neither notices it.
INT SUBURBAN HOUSE -- BEDROOM - NIGHT
Agatha sports reading glasses is reading Proust
while Raphael is still doing... whatever. She
flips a page when all of a sudden, she feels something
different. She puts the book down and giggles.
INT SUBURBAN HOUSE -- UPSTAIRS - NIGHT
John brings Ashley into the room with Josh and
Jack.
JOSH
Yo dudes, I think we're going to Taco
Hut after all.
JACK
Whoa, we come in peace, dude!
JOSEPH
What is that thing?
JOSH
I found him on the way downstairs, man,
look at those crazy eyes!
He flicks one of the flashlights.
ASHLEY
Hey, watch it!
JACK
Just... just calm down, man, don't get
all uppity.
JOSEPH
I don't think I like this, dudes.
JOSH
What? It's a freaking robot, like, how
often do you even see a robot? It's
cool!
JOSEPH
Cough--THE MAN--cough cough.
JACK
That doesn't sound too good.
JOSEPH
I mean, The Man makes the power go out
so we can't go to Taco Hut, and then he
tries to trap us in this room, and then
all of a sudden there's a THING with
POWER LIGHT-UP EYES and you think that's
cool?!
JOSH
Well. . . yeah.
There are noises coming from the bedroom. Joseph
JOSEPH
Maybe it's a clever ruse.
JOSH
What's a 'ruse'?
They hear a MUFFLED SCREAM coming from the bedroom.
JOSEPH
I told you she's the Man, man!
JACK
(disappointed)
Man!
All of them rush toward the bedroom.
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS
Josh, Jack and Joseph bust down the door and enter
the bedroom first. Ashley pushes her way through
the three boys. Josh, Jack and Joseph have looks
of shock/amusement on their faces, but Ashley just
looks at everyone in the room, confused.
The power then comes back on. The room is flooded
with light.
CUT TO: EXT. SUBURBAN HOMES -- NIGHT
The lights come back on in all of the surrounding
homes.
CUT TO: INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - BEDROOM -- NIGHT
Agatha is laying on the bed, grinning broadly.
Raphael has fallen asleep at the foot of the bed,
sucking his thumb. There is an awkward pause.
JACK
That's pretty hot!
Agatha turns to see the crowd in her room, then sees
Raphael asleep, then looks straight ahead,
confused. She peeks under the covers and sees
Odile looking at her. Screaming, she grabs Odile
by the tail and dangles it in front of Ashley, who
takes Odile back. She pets her on the head.
ASHLEY
Aww! Don't worry, girl, I won't let
anyone snatch you from me ever again.
Joseph strokes his chin and looks at Ashley.
JOSEPH
Well played, Man-bot, well-played
indeed.
ASHLEY
What are you on?
JOSEPH
That can be discussed at another time.
But rather than narc on my word stash,
let us go forth. To Taco Hut. Can we
declare... a truce?
ASHLEY
If you buy me nachos!
JOSEPH
In fact, I shall.
Raphael wakes up.
RAPHAEL
I could eat a taco or two right about
now.
AGATHA
Poor tacos.
FADE TO: INT. TACO HUT -- NIGHT
Josh, Jack, Joseph, Agatha, and Raphael all sit at a table, eating
large amounts of fast food tacos. Ashley sits at the head of
the table, sound asleep. She is slumped forward; the
flashlight helmet prevents her head from hitting the table.
A giant plate of nachos sits in front of her. Jack steals
one of the nachos. Everything seems to be resolved, and
everyone seems happy, until--
CUT TO: EXT. TACO HUT -- NIGHT
The power goes out. The Taco Hut interior and sign
both go out.
JOSEPH
...man, now we'll never get home.
FADE OUT.
If you happen to have a spare few minutes, and could give me some feedback on the script, I would really appreciate it. Even if it's just a suggestion on a single line, or an entire ripping apart of the whole story, it's more feedback than I've received in class, heh.
Thank you all very much.
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
ASHLEY, 8, sits on the floor in front of a large
television. She munches on a bag of snack food.
ODILE THE IGUANA, wearing a leash, sits next to
her. They stare blankly at the 11-O'-Clock News.
NEWSCASTER
--and today on Wall Street, the Dow
dropped 95 points to 10,986. Investors
are scambling to --
Odile closes her eyes.
ASHLEY
I don't get what they're talking about,
either. Here, have a cheese doodle.
She fishes a cheese-flavored snack out of the bag and offers
it to Odile.
CUT TO: INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE -- UPSTAIRS
JOSEPH, JOSH, and JACK, all 17, sit around a
large, blown-glass smoking aid. They look
disheveled, and are involved in a
JOSEPH
Like, to me, God can be anything. It
could... it could be this table (points
to an empty spot of floor) God is this
table.
JOSH
Dude, I just... I don't even see the
table there.
JACK
Because it's divine, man.
RAPHAEL, 18 and AGATHA, 18, sit on the floor to the right of the
three stoners. Agatha is dressed in typical indie kid
fashion; clearly, she is dissatisfied with the world.†
Raphael puts his hand on top of Agatha's. He smiles a wide,
awkward grin. Agatha is unimpressed.
JOSEPH
--but tables can't have beards!
Agatha sighs, and is led by the hand into Raphael's bedroom.
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE -- BEDROOM - NIGHT
Raphael emphatically opens the door to his
bedroom.
RAPHAEL
Ta-da!
Around the room are candles of all sorts -- random tea
lights, "Over the Hill" birthday candles, cartoon-character
shaped candles, stuck into various objects. They are in bits
of Play-Doh, cupcakes, menorahs, etc.
AGATHA
Oh, hell.
Raphael kisses Agatha on the neck and gives her a playful
shove toward the bed. She falls off-screen with a loud thud.
Raphael looks concerned.
CUT TO: SUBURBAN HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
The sound of the thump upstairs cause Ashley and
Odile to look upwards.
ASHLEY
Monsters?
She cautiously stands up to investigate as THE POWER GOES
OUT.
CUT TO: SUBURBAN HOMES -- EXTERIOR - NIGHT
The lights go off in the windows of surrounding
homes.
CUT TO: SUBURBAN HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Ashley stands in complete darkness.
ASHLEY
...okay, hopefully not monsters.
She looks down and notices that Odile is missing. A
SHUFFLING is heard heading toward the basement.
ASHLEY
(timidly)
Odile? Come here, girl, there are maybe
some cheese doodle crumbs left...
CUT TO: SUBURBAN HOUSE -- UPSTAIRS - NIGHT
Joseph, Josh, and Jack sit in the darkness.
JOSEPH
...whoa.
JACK
But I really really wanted Taco Hut.
JOSEPH
Me too, brother, me too.
JOSH
Guys, I think we can still go to Taco
Hut.
JOSEPH
No way, dude, that's just what The Man
wants you to think!
JOSH
What?
JOSEPH
Think about it, man. There's. No. Power.
And you can't drive a car without power,
right? So if you even try, The Man is
going to, like... leap out of the
bushes. And you don't want to know what
he'll do to you, man.
JACK
Shit, dude, we're trapped here. I'm--
I'm-- freaking out, man!
JOSH
Yo, just calm down! I'm going to shed
some light on this situation.
He smiles at his own wit, and pulls out a Game Boy. He turns
it on. The small screen illuminates the room only slightly.
Tinny video game music plays as the three of them sit on the
floor.
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE -- BEDROOM - NIGHT
Raphael is on top of Agatha; both are laying on
the bed. He moves himself under the covers, down
toward her feet, and out of frame. Agatha makes a
face, the sort one might make when given a small
needle. Annoyed, she passes a finger back and
forth through the flame of a nearby candle.
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE -- BASEMENT - NIGHT
Ashley stands at the top of the basement stairs,
adjusting a helmet she has made for her head (two
flashlights duct-taped to either side of a
baseball cap). She turns on the flashlights and
walks cautiously down the stairs.
ASHLEY
Odile? Are you down here?
She explores the basement, turning her head toward
strange sounds and shadows in the darkness. She is
eventually startled by one large shadow, and runs
up the stairs, screaming.
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE -- UPSTAIRS - NIGHT
Music is still playing on the video game device as
Jack, Josh, and Joseph sit on the floor.
JOSEPH
(twitching)
I think this music is, like... having
its way with my brain. All night. I
think my brain just wanted some
hand-holding, man.
JACK
It's getting to me too.
JOSH
You know what? That's it. I'm going to
go get help.
Josh stands up.
JOSEPH
But there's no power, how do you think
the door works?!
JOSH
...oh.
Josh pauses. They all nod solemnly.
JOSH
You know what? Fuck science, fuck power,
I am going to open that door, and...
and...
JACK
...find power?
JOSH
Yeah!
Josh marches toward the door and opens it with great flare.
JACK AND JOSEPH
(impressed)
Whoa.
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE -- STAIRWAY - NIGHT
Josh slowly heads down the stairs, but is stopped
midway by Ashley, who runs screaming up the
stairs.
JOSH
Chillax, man, all the light is strapped
to your head!
Ashley stops in front of John and catches her breath.
JOSH
Wait, you're not a man.
He pokes at the flashlights and taps her on the head.
JOSH
You're... a robot man!
ASHLEY
(shrugs)
Close enough. Do you know where Raphael
or Odile are?
JOSH
(subservient)
Oh! Of course, Mr. Robot, he's right up
here. Uh. Do you know where all the
power went?
ASHLEY
(sighing)
I'm sure it will come back soon.
Ashley and Josh walk back up the stairs. SMALL SHADOW dashes
up the stairs past them, and neither notices it.
INT SUBURBAN HOUSE -- BEDROOM - NIGHT
Agatha sports reading glasses is reading Proust
while Raphael is still doing... whatever. She
flips a page when all of a sudden, she feels something
different. She puts the book down and giggles.
INT SUBURBAN HOUSE -- UPSTAIRS - NIGHT
John brings Ashley into the room with Josh and
Jack.
JOSH
Yo dudes, I think we're going to Taco
Hut after all.
JACK
Whoa, we come in peace, dude!
JOSEPH
What is that thing?
JOSH
I found him on the way downstairs, man,
look at those crazy eyes!
He flicks one of the flashlights.
ASHLEY
Hey, watch it!
JACK
Just... just calm down, man, don't get
all uppity.
JOSEPH
I don't think I like this, dudes.
JOSH
What? It's a freaking robot, like, how
often do you even see a robot? It's
cool!
JOSEPH
Cough--THE MAN--cough cough.
JACK
That doesn't sound too good.
JOSEPH
I mean, The Man makes the power go out
so we can't go to Taco Hut, and then he
tries to trap us in this room, and then
all of a sudden there's a THING with
POWER LIGHT-UP EYES and you think that's
cool?!
JOSH
Well. . . yeah.
There are noises coming from the bedroom. Joseph
JOSEPH
Maybe it's a clever ruse.
JOSH
What's a 'ruse'?
They hear a MUFFLED SCREAM coming from the bedroom.
JOSEPH
I told you she's the Man, man!
JACK
(disappointed)
Man!
All of them rush toward the bedroom.
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS
Josh, Jack and Joseph bust down the door and enter
the bedroom first. Ashley pushes her way through
the three boys. Josh, Jack and Joseph have looks
of shock/amusement on their faces, but Ashley just
looks at everyone in the room, confused.
The power then comes back on. The room is flooded
with light.
CUT TO: EXT. SUBURBAN HOMES -- NIGHT
The lights come back on in all of the surrounding
homes.
CUT TO: INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - BEDROOM -- NIGHT
Agatha is laying on the bed, grinning broadly.
Raphael has fallen asleep at the foot of the bed,
sucking his thumb. There is an awkward pause.
JACK
That's pretty hot!
Agatha turns to see the crowd in her room, then sees
Raphael asleep, then looks straight ahead,
confused. She peeks under the covers and sees
Odile looking at her. Screaming, she grabs Odile
by the tail and dangles it in front of Ashley, who
takes Odile back. She pets her on the head.
ASHLEY
Aww! Don't worry, girl, I won't let
anyone snatch you from me ever again.
Joseph strokes his chin and looks at Ashley.
JOSEPH
Well played, Man-bot, well-played
indeed.
ASHLEY
What are you on?
JOSEPH
That can be discussed at another time.
But rather than narc on my word stash,
let us go forth. To Taco Hut. Can we
declare... a truce?
ASHLEY
If you buy me nachos!
JOSEPH
In fact, I shall.
Raphael wakes up.
RAPHAEL
I could eat a taco or two right about
now.
AGATHA
Poor tacos.
FADE TO: INT. TACO HUT -- NIGHT
Josh, Jack, Joseph, Agatha, and Raphael all sit at a table, eating
large amounts of fast food tacos. Ashley sits at the head of
the table, sound asleep. She is slumped forward; the
flashlight helmet prevents her head from hitting the table.
A giant plate of nachos sits in front of her. Jack steals
one of the nachos. Everything seems to be resolved, and
everyone seems happy, until--
CUT TO: EXT. TACO HUT -- NIGHT
The power goes out. The Taco Hut interior and sign
both go out.
JOSEPH
...man, now we'll never get home.
FADE OUT.