I Can haz Abs: fidesangelus

fidesangelus

I Can haz Abs

Mar 09, 2010 23:21

* Originally this post was supposed to be an examination of Craig's abs through the seasons of Legend of the Seeker but considering how they start off to their current state it'd just be a laundry list of the nice washboards.** Instead I've elected to make this inappropriate AND educational. Kind of like when your English teacher taught you the finer points of grammar using "Fuck" for the fill in the blank showing it's versatility.

Exhibit A.1: CyberGirl aka no!Abs (2001-2001)

The first in a list of Australian kids shows Craig can count on his resume of cinematic gems.
Important Facts Before Seeking This Show For Viewing:
1) Craig was 17 when he filmed this ✔
2) Craig is never shirtless ✔
3) If Craig was shirtless there wouldn't be any abs to see anyway ✔
4) It stars a girl with electric blue make up and hair ✔

baby!Craig Arms

Wasn't that fun wee!Craigy?

Exhibit B: Blurred aka baby!Abs (2002)

The obligatory teen road trip film. I don't remember the name of Craig's character (or anyone else for that matter) but I do remember laughing in glee at my computer when Jothee chased after his stolen limo in a black dress. Another Seeker/Farscape overlap FTW!***

<----->

And look at how adorable wee!Craigy is with his baby!Abs:

baby!Back muscles

As you can note here baby!Abs and baby!Back Muscles are relatively non-existent. Craig has previously stated that in his youth he was in a band and was a huge Buffy fan. baby!Abs is a fair reflection of these hobbies. Of course Craig isn't the only Buffy fanboy turned actor who joined the buff club in his 20s and got to work with a Buffy alum. Hi, Bradley!
It's important to note Craig is actually 17 in these caps and has 17 year old boy abs. Not the abs of Hollywood's '17 year old' 20 somethings:

And before anyone starts yelling Twilight's Wolfboy is 17 I would like to point you in the direction of these interviews explaining how unnatural his physique is. #1 #2 #3

Exhibit A.2: Swimming Upstream aka no!Abs (2002)
This is a blink and you'll miss him role for Craigy so this is a blink and you'll miss it part of the picspam.

Check out that hair! He plays the supportive baby brother. And while Craig's abs never make an appearance Jesse Spencer spends the majority of his part running around in whatever a Speedo was in the 1960s so it's not a complete wash on the abs front.

Exhibit C: headLand aka camo!Abs (2005)

We've entered a new phase in the Craig ab development known as camo!Abs. Sometimes they're there and sometimes they're not. This particular Australian soap was all sorts of wonderful. Here's the cliff notes version of why.

^---^ contains adult themes. win! ^---^

Did I mention Craig is a bass player?

As we can see there was a significant jump in ab definition from 2003 to 2005. So as Craig enters his 20s he begins to resemble the Hollywood version of a 17 year old and everyone preps their laundry. The only thing that could possibly distract from Craig's abs is the lultastic belt buckle he sports in this show. Still not sure what it is but fairly confident it's got horns. Feel free to take guesses or just use it as an excuse to stare at the above mentioned abs. In the meantime,
Let's play "spot the Aussie actor"!

The other wonderful thing about this show is the costars. We have Kieran macking on Sarah*** while Frytss harbors a grudge against some rando who got his daughter killed in a car accident. And then Craig and the pixie get caught by Kieran's sister (aka Maggie from Transformers) trying to duck out of the room they hooked up in in the previous episode. That's when things get interesting.

Then Keiran tells Sarah how his sister tossed Craig out without any nookie.

Exhibit D: Two Twisted aka HMS!Abs (2006)

This twenty minute Australian trip to the Twilight Zone is where Craig channels his inner Zac Efron. Also it's important to state for the record, when attaching leads to someone's chest you remove their shirt. YOU DON'T hidetheabs PUT THEM UNDER THE SHIRT! As a result nothing on the abs front but his arms get to show off.

Exhibit E: MonarchCove aka criminal!Abs (2006)

Dear bob this show was awful. Lifetime should be punished. Consolation prize will have to be Craig running around as a drug dealer because I couldn't get through all the episodes he's supposedly in (imdb lies btw) to discover if the abs ever make an actual appearance.

This show was so bad even Craig was trying to escape but they cuffed him.

Exhibit F: H2O: Just Add Water aka mermaid!Abs? (2007)

This is right around when I got a virus looking for episodes and had to turn my laptop over to BestBuy's GeekSquad. As a result I'm skipping the lack of abs show aka Craig dates a mermaid.

Exhibit G: Blue Water High aka surfer!Abs (2008)

Great show. Like Channing Tatum in She's the Man Craig really only has two acting options in every episode: #1 w/out shirt or #2 w/ shirt. This is also where it becomes clear the difference in definition a dedicated work out regime results in.