Spaces between loves
Today in Human Sexuality class, I learned that there are three different faces of love, and eight different kinds. There is
Nonlove - Nonlove contains no intimacy, passion, or decision/commitment and this would be how we would feel about a stranger on the bus.
Liking - Liking contains intimacy, but no passion or decision/commitment. This would be the type of love friends would feel for each other.
Infatuated Love - Infatuated love contains passion but no intimacy or decision/commitment. This would be the love felt for the partner of a one night stand.
Empty Love- - Empty love contains no intimacy or passion but it does contain decision/commitment. This might be seen in a couple who stays together for the sake of the children.
Romantic Love - Romatic love contains intimacy and passion but no decision/commitment. This can be seen between a boyfriend and girlfriend who are not engaged, have no plans to marry, and do not see themselves as a<\ Companionate love contains intimacy and decision/commitment but has no passion. The can be seen in a couple who want to be around each other but experience no sexual attraction or activity.
Companionate Love - Companionate love contains intimacy and decision/commitment but has no passion. The can be seen in a couple who want to be around each other but experience no sexual attraction or activity
Fatuous Love - Fatuous love exists when there is passion and decision/commitment but no intimacy. This can be seen in a couple who decides to elope on the first date.
Consumate Love - Consumate love exists when intimacy, passion, and decision/commitment are present and this is seen in healthy, loving, commited, sexually active couples (Feldman 500).
And love changes over time. Whereas a couple might have consumate love for years, as they age it might fade in to companionate love. My parents have what seems to me to be an empty love....because my mom is always threatening to leave if it weren't for us, but i think my dad tries to make it a companionate love. At least he tries; it's not his fault she's so crazy.
The other day, my friend Pit told me that the first thing he looks for in a woman is that she takes care of herself. He says his wife gets her toes and fingers done every two weeks. He says that's what men look for, that it's important. But he hates his wife. He says he is single, and has no qualms around sleeping around and flirting with every girl in distance. Don't get me wrong; pit is gorgeous. He is sweet, funny, has big green eyes huge biceps and rides a 1000cc sportbike. But he hates her. He wants a divorce; yet he cares that she gets her nails done? I'm sorry, i just don't care that much, and I don't want a love like that. No comittment, no intimacy, no nothing. Empty love.
I am just really stricken. It's so hard. Consummate love is obviously the most desirable above all. It's the 'true love' that people talk about when they talk about love. I don't want to get married unless I find a consummate love.
I think the closest I have ever came was with Brentt. I think I loved him. I was commmited to him, I was crazy crazy crazy attracted to him, and we were intimate; I could tell him anything and we could do anything sexually that most couples might find awkward/embarassing. I could tell him my hopes and dreams; we could go out or we could sit on the couch. But he's gone; and for no other reason than that he graduated and moved back home. I'm so torn; is it good he moved because I have had the chance to realize all that I had when i was with him? or is it bad because we will probably never be back together?
I am with Eric now. I like Eric. Most of the time he is thoughtful and sweet. He has a nice car, a nice income, pays for everything, calls when he says he is going to, buys me little presents and surprises me with things he knows i'll enjoy; likes my dog, has a stable family, and likes to snuggle as much as I do.
But that...that passion that i had with Brentt just isn't there. I am committed to him, and I guess you could say I am intimate with him....and we have sex, but it's not the same. I feel like we're having sex because we're together and that's what couples DO. He dosen't throw me down and have his way with me. He pleases me..yes....but Brentt used to tie me up and choke me. Brentt used to call me names and slap me across the face and fuck me till I cried. And he used to hold me, and wrap his arms around me and tell me how good I felt. Brentt and I....it never got boring. I adored our sex life. We had sex often. VERY often. Eric and i....I'm lucky if its once a week. That's not enough for me. His libido is much lower, and the sex is much tamer and I don't like it. Of course, Brentt lived ten minutes away and had his own apartment and having lost his parents so young...he never really had a childhood. Eric lives with his parents and siblings, half an hour away, and has had no reasons to grow up quickly.
But Brentt didn't usually pay for things. He has a fucked up family and he didn't really like to snuggle at all. He wasn't as sweet. But he was/is supportive of my goals. I tell him my life plans and hopes and dreams and he is interested, giving me ideas, telling me to do what makes me happy...whereas Eric doesn't really seem to care much. He does....but not like Brentt did. Once, Eric made a comment about how his stepdad said to him 'i could give you crap about her tattoo, and her bike, but i don't'. What does he mean, he could give me crap about my tattoo ? It gave me the distinct impression that he, along with his stepdad, thought that my tattoo made me less of a person, was something to look down on. Brentt never liked my tattoo, but he never judged me for it. FUCK that. I LOVE my tattoo, I LOVE my motorcycle, and I'll tell ANYONE off who gives me crap about it, I don't care if it's benny henn himself. That really hurt my feelings. I want someone who will adore me, especially my tattoo, because it is an expression of my inner self and motivations.
Dana says I shouldn't compare them...that it isn't fair. But I just...I know i'm only 19....but I feel like dating just to date is a waste of my time and my tears. I either want to be in love or not. And I am not in love with Eric. I enjoy him. He's funny, he opens my world to new things, he makes me happy, he tells me I'm gorgeous, he takes care of me.
But I don't love him. I know we haven't even been dating two months yet and this is premature...but I don't think I could marry him. He just dosen't have the exact mix of characteristics I want. It seems like no man does. And I wonder...am I wrong to think this? Am I wrong to judge Eric so harshly, when all he has ever been is thoughtful and generous?
All my life, I told myself that sex and love were not the same thing, that i would not associate them with one another. But I realize now that I have, ever since day one, associated sex and love. Mikey and I had sex, and I loved him before that. After i was only more attached. Brentt and I had plenty of sex, and if he were here now I think we would still be together and shagging like bunnies in a den. Eric and I have had sex...and I feel like I should be in love by now. I think it's because, sex SHOULD mean love. God told us to wait until we're married to have sex, and marriage is supposed to be reserved for people in consummate love. So really, sex SHOULD be a product of love, if treated right. Sex should mean love. Consumate love SHOULD mean sex. But in this world, it doesn't, and I guess I should have thought of that before I went around having sex, now shouldn't I?
I don't know. Part of this is venting and part of this is me really wondering, am I fucked up? Am I wrong for comparing all men to my previous lovers? Am I too obsessed with this concept of a soul mate?
Should I be in love, or at least be in one of its many forms by now?
- Passionate
- Intimate
- Committed
Nonlove - Nonlove contains no intimacy, passion, or decision/commitment and this would be how we would feel about a stranger on the bus.
Liking - Liking contains intimacy, but no passion or decision/commitment. This would be the type of love friends would feel for each other.
Infatuated Love - Infatuated love contains passion but no intimacy or decision/commitment. This would be the love felt for the partner of a one night stand.
Empty Love- - Empty love contains no intimacy or passion but it does contain decision/commitment. This might be seen in a couple who stays together for the sake of the children.
Romantic Love - Romatic love contains intimacy and passion but no decision/commitment. This can be seen between a boyfriend and girlfriend who are not engaged, have no plans to marry, and do not see themselves as a<\ Companionate love contains intimacy and decision/commitment but has no passion. The can be seen in a couple who want to be around each other but experience no sexual attraction or activity.
Companionate Love - Companionate love contains intimacy and decision/commitment but has no passion. The can be seen in a couple who want to be around each other but experience no sexual attraction or activity
Fatuous Love - Fatuous love exists when there is passion and decision/commitment but no intimacy. This can be seen in a couple who decides to elope on the first date.
Consumate Love - Consumate love exists when intimacy, passion, and decision/commitment are present and this is seen in healthy, loving, commited, sexually active couples (Feldman 500).
And love changes over time. Whereas a couple might have consumate love for years, as they age it might fade in to companionate love. My parents have what seems to me to be an empty love....because my mom is always threatening to leave if it weren't for us, but i think my dad tries to make it a companionate love. At least he tries; it's not his fault she's so crazy.
The other day, my friend Pit told me that the first thing he looks for in a woman is that she takes care of herself. He says his wife gets her toes and fingers done every two weeks. He says that's what men look for, that it's important. But he hates his wife. He says he is single, and has no qualms around sleeping around and flirting with every girl in distance. Don't get me wrong; pit is gorgeous. He is sweet, funny, has big green eyes huge biceps and rides a 1000cc sportbike. But he hates her. He wants a divorce; yet he cares that she gets her nails done? I'm sorry, i just don't care that much, and I don't want a love like that. No comittment, no intimacy, no nothing. Empty love.
I am just really stricken. It's so hard. Consummate love is obviously the most desirable above all. It's the 'true love' that people talk about when they talk about love. I don't want to get married unless I find a consummate love.
I think the closest I have ever came was with Brentt. I think I loved him. I was commmited to him, I was crazy crazy crazy attracted to him, and we were intimate; I could tell him anything and we could do anything sexually that most couples might find awkward/embarassing. I could tell him my hopes and dreams; we could go out or we could sit on the couch. But he's gone; and for no other reason than that he graduated and moved back home. I'm so torn; is it good he moved because I have had the chance to realize all that I had when i was with him? or is it bad because we will probably never be back together?
I am with Eric now. I like Eric. Most of the time he is thoughtful and sweet. He has a nice car, a nice income, pays for everything, calls when he says he is going to, buys me little presents and surprises me with things he knows i'll enjoy; likes my dog, has a stable family, and likes to snuggle as much as I do.
But that...that passion that i had with Brentt just isn't there. I am committed to him, and I guess you could say I am intimate with him....and we have sex, but it's not the same. I feel like we're having sex because we're together and that's what couples DO. He dosen't throw me down and have his way with me. He pleases me..yes....but Brentt used to tie me up and choke me. Brentt used to call me names and slap me across the face and fuck me till I cried. And he used to hold me, and wrap his arms around me and tell me how good I felt. Brentt and I....it never got boring. I adored our sex life. We had sex often. VERY often. Eric and i....I'm lucky if its once a week. That's not enough for me. His libido is much lower, and the sex is much tamer and I don't like it. Of course, Brentt lived ten minutes away and had his own apartment and having lost his parents so young...he never really had a childhood. Eric lives with his parents and siblings, half an hour away, and has had no reasons to grow up quickly.
But Brentt didn't usually pay for things. He has a fucked up family and he didn't really like to snuggle at all. He wasn't as sweet. But he was/is supportive of my goals. I tell him my life plans and hopes and dreams and he is interested, giving me ideas, telling me to do what makes me happy...whereas Eric doesn't really seem to care much. He does....but not like Brentt did. Once, Eric made a comment about how his stepdad said to him 'i could give you crap about her tattoo, and her bike, but i don't'. What does he mean, he could give me crap about my tattoo ? It gave me the distinct impression that he, along with his stepdad, thought that my tattoo made me less of a person, was something to look down on. Brentt never liked my tattoo, but he never judged me for it. FUCK that. I LOVE my tattoo, I LOVE my motorcycle, and I'll tell ANYONE off who gives me crap about it, I don't care if it's benny henn himself. That really hurt my feelings. I want someone who will adore me, especially my tattoo, because it is an expression of my inner self and motivations.
Dana says I shouldn't compare them...that it isn't fair. But I just...I know i'm only 19....but I feel like dating just to date is a waste of my time and my tears. I either want to be in love or not. And I am not in love with Eric. I enjoy him. He's funny, he opens my world to new things, he makes me happy, he tells me I'm gorgeous, he takes care of me.
But I don't love him. I know we haven't even been dating two months yet and this is premature...but I don't think I could marry him. He just dosen't have the exact mix of characteristics I want. It seems like no man does. And I wonder...am I wrong to think this? Am I wrong to judge Eric so harshly, when all he has ever been is thoughtful and generous?
All my life, I told myself that sex and love were not the same thing, that i would not associate them with one another. But I realize now that I have, ever since day one, associated sex and love. Mikey and I had sex, and I loved him before that. After i was only more attached. Brentt and I had plenty of sex, and if he were here now I think we would still be together and shagging like bunnies in a den. Eric and I have had sex...and I feel like I should be in love by now. I think it's because, sex SHOULD mean love. God told us to wait until we're married to have sex, and marriage is supposed to be reserved for people in consummate love. So really, sex SHOULD be a product of love, if treated right. Sex should mean love. Consumate love SHOULD mean sex. But in this world, it doesn't, and I guess I should have thought of that before I went around having sex, now shouldn't I?
I don't know. Part of this is venting and part of this is me really wondering, am I fucked up? Am I wrong for comparing all men to my previous lovers? Am I too obsessed with this concept of a soul mate?
Should I be in love, or at least be in one of its many forms by now?