[Death Note]: I Will Follow You Into the Dark
L stared at him, altogether immovable, eyes black and fathomless. “I am sorry,” he said, and the detective’s face swam in and out of focus. “It was necessary.”
“Poison?” Light’s hand clenched; he felt like he was choking on his own tongue. “Necessary?”
“Watari will inform your father of everything.” L glanced at his watched. “Actually, probably now. As we speak.”
Light moaned. He could feel himself slipping, the world tilting. “Bastard,” he breathed again, and slipped forward, the floor coming up fast. L caught him, arms around Light’s waist. “Get - off - me,” Light croaked.
“You’ll thank me for this,” L’s voice said softly, a mockery of gentleness. Light’s eyes dragged close, the words he wanted to say slipping away with consciousness and life. The last thing he was aware of was the faint feeling of L stroking his hair, and the gentle whisper:
“Goodnight, Kira-kun.”
~.~
Light opened his eyes into darkness. His head spun. And he could feel his heart beating.
It was last of all that he became slowly aware of the bonds tethering his wrists and ankles.
“Not poison,” said a voice, mildly out of the darkness. And terribly familiar. “Just a particularly nasty sedative. I am sorry, but it was the most tasteless and undetectable, and I could not have you becoming suspicious.”
Light’s mouth felt dry and like it was full of sand. He swallowed hard, trying to muster up some spit. “What do - you think - you’re doing - L,” he forced out, voice raspy, and started coughing. His silent watcher said nothing, offered no water, and did not apologize again. Did not speak at all. Light tried again. “You can’t-“
“I can,” said L, and Light could hear the satisfaction in his voice. “I can do anything I want, Light Yagami. It’s all arranged.” Light felt sick to his stomach and his shoulder ached, no doubt from how he’d been lying on it. Nasty sedative indeed. Even in the dark, he could feel the room lurching.
“Where is this place?” he managed to ask. L’s voice was cool and emotionless again as he replied.
“You don’t need to know that. Only that it is a secure building. You will be here as long as I see fit.”
Light wasn’t too muddled to understand that. “Why are you doing this?” He asked, and it wasn’t difficult to put a note of fear in his voice. If he had been discovered, he’d be dead. And discovery was impossible. There were no mistakes. This was just another test. “Ryuzaki - at least turn on the lights!”
There was no answer. Gradually, Light understood that L had left.
He tried to move, to stand, but moving only made him feel more sick, and he didn’t want to vomit on himself. Besides, with his hands and feet bound, he could hardly have gotten anywhere anyway. The dark pressed in on him and he concentrated on breathing evenly, claustrophobia making his heart race.
Light curled up and closed his eyes, trying to focus, but the sedative must have still been in his system; his thoughts wouldn’t connect and he kept losing track of them. He was thirsty, so thirsty. What did L think he was doing here, what kind of game did he think he was playing…
L’s voice, in his ear. “Sit up, Light-kun. You sounded thirsty, so I brought you some water.”
For one dizzy moment, Light wondered if he was blind, but his eyes were beginning to adjust to the dark. He turned his head and could just make out the detective’s owl eyes peering at him out of the dark. Light licked his lips. “I’d rather you turned on the lights so I can at least see what kind of place this is.”
“No,” said L, voice still even and emotionless. “It is important to me that you remain confused and disoriented. My apologies.”
Light choked, and couldn’t help a bitter laugh. “You could teach a thing or two about brutal honesty, Ryuzaki. What did you tell my father?”
L’s hands pulled him into a sitting position. Propped up against L, he imagined that he could almost feel L’s heartbeat against the back of his head. Cool glass pressed against his lips. Light gritted his teeth and drank it. L didn’t answer. Light squirmed, which was about the only resistance he could make. “What did you tell him? You had to tell him something, what did you say? That I was Kira? He’d never believe-“
“Wouldn’t he?” Light’s stomach dropped and he turned his head away from the water. “I told him the truth, Light-kun, or what I know of it.” L’s fingers dug into his side like claws. “And you will tell me the rest.”
Light took a deep breath through his nose. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
L released him and pulled away, and Light fell awkwardly to his back. “Yes. You. Do.” Light squirmed to his side, shoulders beginning to ache. “I know who you are,” L said, voice still perfectly cool. “I will unravel your lies. The truth will out.” L’s smile made Light’s blood run cold. “Does that frighten you, Kira-kun?”
The door slammed behind him.
“Ryuzaki!” Light yelled. “L!” His voice echoed in the confines of his prison. There was no response. Of course. L would be there when L wanted; make the schedule irregular. Keep the prisoner disoriented. Create an environment controlled exclusively by you. You, the interrogator.
Light took a shaky breath. He just had to focus. L had no proof, nothing, and (it didn’t matter, L could say anything and everyone would believe it, they could kill you without asking questions if L said-) Light wanted to scream. He was still alive, so there was something left, something that L wanted. That gave him time.
Time to figure out how to save his life. Lie, he thought. That’s all I have to do, lie. I'm good at lying. Light closed his eyes and strained his ears, trying to hear something, anything beyond his own breathing. There was nothing.
~.~
He must have slept, because when he opened his eyes there was light. He was still sitting on the floor, propped up against the wall, and L was sitting slouched in a chair a few feet away. Light squinted, wondering if the way the too bright lights formed a halo at L’s back was intentional.
“Did you sleep well?” L asked politely. Light said nothing, and just stared at him. L shook his head.
“I told you yesterday that I was going to get my answers, didn’t I? And I will.” He leaned forward, eyes glittering like beetles’ wings. “I never lose."
There’s a first time for everything, Light thought savagely, but kept his mouth shut.
L’s head tilted back. “When did you find the Death Note?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’d never seen it before you did.”
“Lie,” L said, and his thumb lifted to his lips. He chewed at it, briefly. “Let’s try again. At what point did your murders become systematic?”
Light drew up his shoulders and struggled not to glare at L with all the hatred he could muster. “I'm not Kira, Ryuzaki. I thought we were done with this.”
L sighed. “Ah well. It was worth a try; I know you’ll be harder than that, Light. It’s what’s made you such an interesting challenge. I'm going to make you a deal. A very simple one.”
Light hesitated, then responded warily. “And what’s that?”
“You tell me something no one else knows - I'm sure there are a number of things, you and me keep secrets like gold pieces. And you can move to a more comfortable room. With a bed.”
Light took a few breaths through his nose, and pushed. “Untie my hands. My shoulders hurt.”
“No,” L said. “That isn’t part of the deal. I’ll let you think about it.”
Light thought about it. He was surrounded by concrete, in what was nothing more than a cell, and without even the amenities of that. He just had to think of a secret that was harmless enough to tell, and L was right; that should be easy enough. He had plenty of them, and most of them were useless. Small things. Unimportant things.
The one that popped into his head first was when I was innocent, sometimes I still wanted to strangle you. Light pushed that away. He was innocent, as far as anyone knew. There was nothing L could reasonably hold him for.
And yet L was, and L could, and L did.
Suddenly every single one of his innocent secrets seemed to expose some hidden vice, all pointing to him and chanting Kira. Light looked up, abruptly. He looked straight at L.
“I'm scared to die,” he said.
L nodded, looking distant, and then smiled. “And yet you joined the single most dangerous murder case the world has ever seen…interesting, Kira-kun.”
“Don’t call me that,” Light snapped. “Don’t - do that. Don’t act like you can make me something I'm not because I'm scared to die. Everyone is!”
“I'm not,” said L, and stood. “And am I really making you something you’re not? Goodnight, Kira-kun.”
“Wait,” Light said, hating the touch of desperation in his voice. “What about the room? You said if I-“
“Told me something no one knew,” L completed, “Then, yes, you could have a better room. But I already knew that, Kira-kun. You’ll have to do a bit better than that.”
The door clanged shut. The lights went out. Light screamed in frustration, not caring who heard. He had to get out of here, had to get out and soon; at least out of this concrete cell. Something that no one knew. It should have been easy. He should have been able to find something, even, that could be used against L, to rattle his certainty, to engage his sympathy, something. The man was only human, wasn’t he?
But there was nothing.
It was the sedative, he thought, the damned sedative, slowing him down.
Even though he knew that the sedative was long gone by now.
In a couple hours, Light thought bleakly, he would need a bathroom. He hoped L would allow him one.
Life had never looked so dark, or at least not for a long time.
~.~
Light looked into L’s eyes and spoke with defiance, even if he could almost feel the ache from lack of sleep behind his eyes. “When my father…held a gun to my head because you told him to, I wanted to kill both of you. I never understood how you couldn’t find another way.”
He closed his eyes and dropped his chin to his chest. “I remember wondering if you were just doing it because you could. To prove that you had power over me. Like you are now.”
L tilted his head. “Why didn’t you, then? Kill your father. Have Amane kill me.”
“Because I couldn’t,” Light said, hearing his own voice tighten. Helpless; with his memories back, he had almost been able to forget that feeling. He had it now.
“Because you would only have been captured anyway?”
“Because I didn’t have the ability!” Light’s voice snapped. L seemed thoughtful.
“What are you more afraid of, Light-kun,” And Light hated that he felt a small flush of gratitude at the sound of his name, “Death? Or loss of control?”
Light stiffened. “Are you my psychiatrist or my interrogator?”
“Just a thought,” L said, leaning back. “A very interesting…thought. Thank you, Light-kun.” He stood, picked up the glass of water, and came over. Light stared at him warily as L nodded to the glass.
“Drink your water. I'm afraid I want you sedated for the journey upstairs.” Light stared at the cup, then looked at L. L smirked. “Don’t worry, this isn’t nearly as unpleasant as the one last time. Short-term only. I promise.”
Light swallowed, and said, “Do you just like to see me suffer, Ryuzaki? Does it please you?” He couldn’t keep the anger from his tone, but L laughed and tipped the glass and water into Light’s mouth, and he swallowed to keep from choking.
“And what if it does?” L murmured, and his low chuckle followed Light into the quickly descending darkness.
He resurfaced what seemed like moments later; it could have been minutes, it could have been hours. There was no clock in the room. He was lying on a Queen-size bed, hands and feet still bound, but the mattress felt good, soft.
Light closed his eyes and pressed his forehead into the pillow, trying to shift to moderate the ache in his shoulders. There was no point to his being bound like this. It was just - and he had to fight not to grind his teeth - because L felt like it.
Light thought he had hated L before for all the petty humiliations and larger destructions, but it was nothing to what he felt now, burning safely buried where it couldn’t be seen. No, he knew hatred now. It tasted like humiliation and sand and too much sugar in the god-damned coffee.
He took a deep breath through his nose. There was no point to anger. Anger wouldn’t get him out of this. He just had to remain cool and level and think. L couldn’t keep him forever (yes he could). There were rules to their engagement (and they had been broken). Yes, he had no resources - though he wondered what Misa was doing, probably nothing, useless woman - but he had his mind, and that had been more than enough resource for years. His mind and his charisma (that proved utterly useless on L).
Light groaned. This was useless. All he could do was wait. It seemed likely that L was the only way he could get anywhere, and L was the last person he wanted to deal with.
As if summoned by thought, L was back. Light thought he caught a brief smirk.
“More comfortable?”
Ah, so that was how it was going to be. “Quite, thank you,” Light said, stiff but polite.
“If I know you at all,” L said, “You are no doubt hard at work on some plan to get out of here. So I would like to be perfectly clear. One, you will not walk out of here a free man. In the event that I die, so will you; that has been arranged.”
There was a long silence. Light sighed, shifting to lean back against the pillows, even if it hurt his arms. “You said ‘one.’ That indicates more."
L moved so quickly. One minute he was across the room, the next he was peering into Light’s face, only inches away. “I am going to ask you some yes or no questions. All you have to do is answer and your - hobbles, for lack of a better word, will be removed. Even if you lie. Is that clear?”
Light took a few deep breaths through his nose. “And my hands?”
L smiled, and took a step back. “Now then. The Death Note recovered from Higuchi had certain…ah, rules written on it. Yes or no?”
Light sighed, and closed his eyes. He had nothing to lose. “Yes.”
“And one of the rules read that “the individuals who lose the ownership of the Death Note will also lose their memory of the usage of the Death Note,” yes or no?”
Light felt his heart lurch. Damn him. Damn the bastard if he thought he could-! “Yes.”
“Therefore, it might be possible for someone to have owned and used a Death Note, but to lose their memory of having done so. Yes or no?”
“I can see where this is going,” Light said, quickly. “And I want you to know-“
“Just yes or no, Kira-kun.”
Don’t call me that. Light ground his teeth. “Yes, I suppose.”
L smiled, and Light felt shivers run down his spine, suddenly afraid. This man was in power of his fate. This man had already proven that he could be cruel. Light steeled himself for what would come next. “Thank you,” L said, and stepped back toward Light, long fingers brushing his ankle as he began to undo the bonds. “That is all.”
His hands pulled away, though Light thought he felt L’s fingers linger just for a moment on his bare feet before he withdrew and exited the room. Wait, he wanted to say. And didn’t.
Light managed to sleep a little that night, but restlessly, and he dreamed of his head on a chopping block.
~.~
When he opened his eyes, L was waiting.
“Not you again,” he said, blearily. His shoulders hurt fiercely and he realized that he was hungry.
“Yes, me again.” L held up a tray. “I brought you food. You will eat it.”
“Untie my hands,” Light said, already knowing what the answer would be.
“No.”
L literally spoon-fed him. Light was tempted to refuse, but if he didn’t eat he would only get lightheaded and L would probably do the same thing anyway. That didn’t mean he wasn’t seething, though, wishing he could spit venom at L’s placid and innocent expression.
“My mother used to do this when I was sick,” Light said, and then wasn’t sure why. L’s eyebrows rose slightly.
“Do I remind you of your mother, Kira-kun?”
“No,” Light said, and found his mouth quirking. “Not exactly.”
“Good,” said L. “Your mother always seemed quite…pleasant.” L frowned. “She would be devastated to find out that her son was a murderer.”
“I'm not a murderer,” Light said, forgetting his almost-smile, suddenly angry. “You have no proof, you have no right-“
“Naomi Misora,” said L, suddenly. “Is what I don’t understand. She’s no fool. If she knew something, and I assume she did, she would have found me. But she didn’t. And yet she would have told no one, so I can’t think how you discovered that she knew…or why she would give you her name.”
I told her I was you, Light thought viciously. And because she’d never seen your face, because you’re a coward who hides from the world, she believed me, and she died. He would have loved to see L’s face if he said that. He took his strength from imagining that.
“I don’t know,” Light said, “I never met a Naomi Misora in my life.”
L looked at him, and frowned. “Too deadpan. Unconvincing.” He shook his head. “A waste, Kira-kun, such a waste.”
Then he was gone.
Light spent the next half hour thinking of all the ways he would have liked to kill L, in painstaking detail. It kept him calm. It kept him from screaming.
It didn’t keep him from feeling the walls closing in.
Light curled up on the bed and pressed his forehead to his knees.
~.~
This time, he felt L entering the room. Light didn’t move. “This room is too small,” he said into his knees.
He could hear the skepticism in L’s voice. “Claustrophobic, Kira-kun? I’d never noted that in you before.”
“Never, before the - imprisonment,” Light said tightly. “Afterward - as long as I had something to think about, it didn’t matter.”
Light felt L sit down on the bed. L’s hand brushed his shoulder. “I'm sorry,” the detective murmured, and he sounded sincere. So sincere. “There’s nowhere I can move you to.”
Light laughed, sharply and bitterly. “I expected as much.”
“But I can stay here,” L murmured. “A distraction? Until the episode passes.”
“Talking about Kira,” Light said, managing not to make it vicious, “Will hardly help.”
“Then whatever will,” L said, and this time the brush of his hand on Light’s shoulder was intentional, and L’s long white fingers stayed there. “Tell me about your family. Your sister. You never talk about her. Sayu, right?”
Light opened his eyes, confused, but that also brought home how very tangible the darkness was, pressing close around him. “Just my little sister,” he said, desperate to fend it off. A distraction. Sayu was easy, Sayu wasn’t connected to anything. It was like L had offered him an out, on purpose.
Compassion, said a part of Light that should have died with the return of his memories of the Death Note. He isn’t merciless.
No! Screamed the more cynical part of his mind. This is something else, all part of some plan, you just don’t know what.
Light was caught somewhere in between, talking about Sayu, babbling about Sayu. The darkness receded, and L’s hand on the back of his neck was cool and comforting and human.
He realized, distantly, that he had not seen any other person but L for the past who knew how many days.
By morning, human-L was gone, and detective-L had taken his place.
“Kira-kun,” he asked, and Light realized how very tired he was of not hearing his name all over again. “Have you ever been to Aoyama?”
“Of course I have,” Light said. “Everyone has. Can you please not call me that?”
“No. And no, not everybody has. I have not.”
“Yes,” Light said, and he couldn’t keep it from coming out somewhat acidly, “But have you been anywhere that isn’t a hotel room?”
“Watari and I went to the Museum of Natural History in New York,” L said, and paused. “Once. But the point is moot. You have been to Aoyama.” It wasn’t a question, so Light didn’t answer. L’s fingers tapped against his leg. “Misa Amane,” he said, suddenly. “You clearly have no interest in her. Why haven’t you left her?”
“She wouldn’t leave,” Light said, in complete honesty. “Even if I dumped her, I doubt she would accept it. Besides, I-“
“Lie,” L said gleefully, before Light had even gotten the words out. “Interesting. You haven’t asked about her at all, I notice.”
“I assume that you will tell me if I am permitted to know,” Light said, “And that asking will do not good.”
L smiled. “That is correct.” The detective turned to leave, and Light hesitated, then called after.
“Wait. Aren’t you going to release my arms? I answered your questions.”
“Yes you did,” L said calmly. “Quite admirably.”
And he closed the door.
Light maneuvered to the side of the bed and sat up. It was more comfortable for his shoulders, and he could look at the wall instead of the ceiling. This could be forever. This could be the rest of his life. If I had my hands, Light thought briefly, I could at least make a noose and hang myself.
A moment later he hated himself for the thought.
He would not break (he was already breaking). He would not fail (he had already failed).
Light’s bright new world was dying before his eyes.
~.~
Light thought it was night, but he couldn’t be sure. Without windows, or regular sleep, or regular meals, he wasn’t even sure how long it had been. He couldn’t sleep, though; his mind was too wired to rest. His thoughts spun in circles until his head ached.
He waited, hour after hour after hour, for L to come back.
Now that he could walk, he could reach the bathroom. There was a glass by the sink, but every twinge of his shoulders reminded him painfully that he couldn’t use his hands.
He sat back down on the bed and waited, staring at the floor. L didn’t come.
A moment later Light realized that he was anticipating L’s visit, and there was a foul taste in his mouth. It was only boredom, he assured himself, only boredom and the lack of any other human company - but that was just the problem, wasn’t it? Light knew how this sort of thing worked. In isolation, with no one else to turn to, a human being will find someone to attach to.
L wanted him vulnerable, in need of human connection that only L could offer. Light knew this. It didn’t make him immune.
He hated himself for straightening when the door opened on L staring at him intently. “Light-kun,” he said, and for a moment Light was immensely pleased to hear his name, and then ashamed that he’d felt it at all. “Answer me this. Your family. Do you love them?”
Light tensed. “Of course I do. What kind of a question is that?”
“Mmm,” L said, his thumb going to his lips. “Probably an irrelevant one. Probably.” He paused. “No, I believe you. Whatever else you are, Kira-kun, I do not think you are a sociopath. Certainly an extraordinarily deluded young man.”
Light seethed. It was with effort that he kept himself from saying something, though he wondered, somewhere deep, what the use was in lying anymore. “I don’t see what the point of this is, Ryuzaki."
“I am constructing a profile,” L said, casually, “Of you, that I will be sending to Interpol. I think things have progressed far enough with you that I can do that.” He paused, seeming to be thinking. “I was just trying to find the right words, and I thought I would ask the man himself for assistance.”
Light thought his heart had stopped. He stared at L, disbelieving. “You can’t,” he started to say.
“I can,” L corrected him. “I will, of course, tell your family in person. They deserve that much, though really it should be you.”
I'm going to die, Light thought with blank horror. I'm just waiting here until they decide how. His breath felt short. He stared at L, and L’s black eyes glittered. “I am sorry,” said L, in the same even tone. “It is a waste.”
He turned to go.
“Wait,” Light couldn’t help but cry out. “Please, don’t let this happen. I'm innocent.”
“Lie,” said L, without turning around, and he was gone.
This time, Light didn’t hold back his scream. He was helpless. So utterly helpless. And whatever he did, whatever move he made, he was going to die. L held all the cards, and Light had nothing.
This was wrong. This was all wrong.
When his voice failed, Light curled up on the bed and tried to breathe normally. Forfeiting the Death Note would get him nowhere. He was trapped and scared and alone. What a god. Oh, how the mighty have fallen, Light thought, and wanted to laugh until he retched.
~.~
Light didn’t realize that he’d fallen asleep until he woke, confused and disoriented, on his stomach with someone fumbling at his wrists. The tie loosened and abruptly fell away, and it was with a gasp of relief that Light let his arms fall to his sides, the blood flooding painfully back into his limbs.
“Come with me,” said L’s voice.
Light hesitated. Something wasn’t right. Everything wasn’t right. He wondered abruptly if this was it; the execution. L’s voice snapped out again, a clear command. “Come with me. You will walk in front of me, close, with your arms at your sides. Do you understand?”
Light winced as his arms moved, rotating in his shoulder socket. It had to be bruised. “I understand,” he said, finally, and stood. L planted one hand in the center of his back between his shoulder blades and propelled him forward.
It was dark, all the lights out. Light slowed down, but L pushed him forward. “I can’t see,” Light protested, but L said nothing, apparently ignoring him.
They stopped at last. L reached out and opened something that must have been a door, and light burst painfully into Light’s eyes as L shoved him in and closed the door firmly behind them.
Light blinked hard and fast, trying to take in the room, but L was already moving, and before he could react he found himself shoved against a table in the middle of the room, a forceful hand on the back of his neck slamming him down, bent double over the edge. Light wheezed in surprise.
“Hey-“
“Shut up,” said L, his voice like a gavel coming down. His fingers tightened on the back of Light’s neck. “Don’t fight, this’ll be easier.” Light twisted almost automatically, trying to wiggle free.
“What do you think you’re playing at, L, this isn’t-“
The hand that wasn’t holding Light’s face pressed against the wood of the table slid around his hips to the front of his pants and skillfully undid the button, then the zipper. Light panicked, yelled, lashed out.
L held his head down harder, fingers pressing painfully into certain points on his neck as his other hand yanked Light’s pants down over his hips. Light could hear his own hiss of rage, trying to reach L with nails, legs, anything; nothing worked.
He gritted his teeth and panted, rage warring with fear as he heard the sound of another zipper coming down. “Stop,” he said again, “Stop, now, or I’ll-“
“There is nothing you can do,” L said, his fingers squeezing again. Light felt horribly vulnerable, naked, exposed. His body jerked, and then he felt L pressing against him. Skin on skin and he could feel the other man’s half-hard cock pressing against his body-
“What are you doing?” Light asked frantically, struggling, his nails digging into the soft varnish of the table. L’s hips held him pinned even as the hand on his neck pulled away.
“Testing a theory,” said L and Light could see him holding a small jar, unscrewing the cap, out of the corner of his eye. He renewed his fight, his rapid breaths catching like sobs in his throat. There were fingers touching, invading him, and he couldn’t do this, he couldn’t do this…
“Please, stop,” Light said, and he could hear the desperation in his voice. “I’ll do anything.”
L stopped. Light sank into the table, breathing hard. He closed his eyes and fought not to slip to the floor. He could almost hear L smile. “Interesting,” he murmured, closing his jeans. “Yes…I'm done. Thank you, Kira-kun. Come with me, then, back to your room.”
Light followed after a moment of incredulous stillness, still feeling almost dizzy with relief. He watched L’s back warily, and remained perfectly silent, as though to make a sound would attract L’s attention again.
He watched the door close behind L with relief, and sat on the other side of the room, fighting to stay awake and watching the door. He succumbed eventually, though, crawling under the covers and pulling them over his head, as though that would help.
He dreamed that night, for the first time since L had kidnapped him. He dreamed that L didn’t stop, and that it felt good. Really good.
And he died when it was over.
~.~
Light woke up and found L walking around his room. He stiffened at once, but the detective seemed distracted, thinking hard. He said nothing, watching him with wary eyes. I don’t understand, he wanted to protest, but that was such a foolish thing to say, who ever really understood anything at all…
He wanted his world back in control. Back to normalcy. Anything could be happening outside and he would have no idea.
“You’re awake,” said L, perfectly bland and perfectly nonchalant, as if nothing had changed.
“What’s happening,” Light asked, trying and failing to make a demand. He felt brittle. Like glass. “Out there. What’s happening?”
“Nothing,” L said, casually. “Absolutely nothing…just a day like any other. Why?”
“What day is it?” Light asked, not really expecting an answer.
“April third,” said L, simply, and Light stilled.
“That long? There’s no way it’s-“
“It hasn’t. I lied.” L looked over his shoulder and smirked. Light’s hands clenched on the blankets. “So it’s come down to this. You were good, Kira-kun. Just not good enough for me.”
“Is that what this is?” Light said, unable to keep the ferocity out of his voice. “Gloating? You’re just going to gloat before you send me off to be executed?”
“Would you have done any different?” L smiled, slightly. “Don’t be a sore loser, Light-kun. That’s just the way it works.”
Light’s heart hammered in his chest. When? He wanted to ask. When will it be? Or plaintively, but I'm going to die, you said, you said…
“No,” was all he could manage. L was suddenly there, looming over him, grabbing his shirt and pushing him up against a wall.
“No?” L demanded in his low voice. “You wouldn’t have done any different? Is that a confession, Kira-kun, at last?”
“No,” he said again, through his teeth, “No, it isn’t, I mean no, you can’t do this-“
“You keep saying that,” L said, his mouth barely moving, face inches from Light’s. “But I can. I can send you to die. I can do anything I want.” L smirked, abruptly. “Like this.”
L grabbed Light’s arms and held them to the wall, and kissed him. There wasn’t anything gentle or tender about it, about the way L’s lips mashed against his and the way his hipbones dig into Light’s flesh as his body pinned him.
He struggled uselessly as L surfaced, his dark, depthless eyes boring into Light’s. “Go on,” he said, his voice almost a purr. “Say it.”
“No,” Light said, in both denial and refusal, and L laughed at him, his hands squeezing on Light’s pinned arms, and kissed him again. This time, he was kind. His tongue ran delicately along Light’s lower lip and the slight rocking movement of his captor’s hips drew a gasp from Light against his will, giving L’s tongue an opening to slide into his mouth.
He could have bit down, drawn blood, given back some of the pain he’s suffered. But he didn’t, and the longer he let L kiss him, struggles slowing and body relaxing, the better it felt.
When L pulled away, it was Light and not the detective who was breathing significantly harder. “Stop,” Light said, his voice shaking, “Just - what do you want, what else-“
L’s tongue ran over the shell of Light’s ear. “Confess?” His rich voice murmured. Light felt his body shudder violently. He could almost feel L’s claws hooked in his flesh even as the detective released his arms. It would have been within Light’s power to reach up and cut off L’s breathing, strangle his enemy slowly. It would have been immensely satisfying, once.
He just felt powerless, now, helpless. Every escape he could think of only ended in death, and he didn’t want to die. Wasn’t ready to die-
“I’ll die,” he whispered. L’s fingers ran down the back of his neck.
“Not necessarily.”
“But you said-“
“I lied.” L’s other hand inched up under his shirt, pressed flat against his belly. Light couldn’t keep himself from squirming, just a little. “I needed you to break. Two things, then, that you feared; death, and a loss of control. Perfect.” L kissed Light’s jaw, tongue inching out to taste the skin.
Light hissed, faintly. “You - bastard - have no right to play with me like that-“
L’s mouth pressed against his neck, suckled at the skin. “I have every right. I have every right, Light-kun, to your life, your liberty, and your truth…” Light moaned, twitched. “Tell me,” L murmured. “Tell me how you killed Naomi Misora…”
There was no point in holding back anymore, Light thought weakly. He’d lost already; lost from the moment he’d touched that coffee dosed with sedative. Futile anger flooded through him again, and he spoke almost savagely. “I told her I was - ah - I told her I was you.” Light took a couple short, sharp breaths and tried weakly to push L away. “Stop it-“
“No.” L’s mouth moved up behind his ear, tongue probing against the hollow behind it as the hand under his shirt drew a finger down his breastbone. “So you are Kira, Light-kun.”
“Yes,” he whispered, eyes closing, his stomach turning over.
“Say it for me,” L murmured. His lips closed over Light’s earlobe and sucked on that, too. Light twitched.
“I am Kira.”
“So you are,” murmured L, “And I am L.” The hand under his shirt pulled away, and so did L. Light nearly staggered, caught off balance, and braced with his hands pressed white knuckled against the wall, staring at L with wild animal eyes.
“It’s over,” L murmured. “Miss Amane is nothing without you. I have everything I need from you, Light-kun. So now…”
“That’s it?” Light said, hearing his own voice brittle and sharp, hating his own slipping self-control. But what did it matter? He was already naked, stripped of everything: rights, pride, dignity. “You have what you want-“
“Not quite,” L said, and looked at Light. Smiled, barely. “You expect me to give you up, Light-kun?”
His name again, Light thought. What did that mean. And then stilled. He thought of the darkness in L’s eyes, and the hungry press of his lips. “I’d rather die,” he said flatly.
“Would you?” L shook his head slightly, and took a step toward Light. He stiffened. “I don’t think so. But it doesn’t matter. You don’t have a choice. I told you, Light-kun. You are mine.”
“You can’t just keep me here forever,” Light said, impotent rage flooding through him. “There’ll be questions, what about-“
“It won’t be forever,” L said, softly, almost gently, Light would have said, if he didn’t know so much better - the muzzle of a gun pressed to his forehead - “Just long enough. You’re not the only one who can find loopholes, Light-kun. Four-hundred and ninety days, isn’t that right?”
If you lose the Death Note or have it stolen, you will lose its ownership unless you retrieve it within 490 days.
“No,” Light said, and then again, with more desperation. “No. You can’t-“
“I can,” L said, with that horrible kind of determination. There came a knock at the door and the detective turned away, opened it, exchanged a few words. Light watched dully. They were his memories. His, not L’s to steal as he pleased-
The detective returned, held out a glass of water. “Here,” he said, gently. “You need to rest.”
“I'm not going to take anything from you,” Light said savagely. “Never again. I will never-“
He should have known better.
~.~
“I'm going to kill you,” Light managed to say.
“In four-hundred-ninety days you will forget,” L said, and Light felt his fingers run through his hair as the world began to fade. “All I have to do is wait.”
“Poison?” Light’s hand clenched; he felt like he was choking on his own tongue. “Necessary?”
“Watari will inform your father of everything.” L glanced at his watched. “Actually, probably now. As we speak.”
Light moaned. He could feel himself slipping, the world tilting. “Bastard,” he breathed again, and slipped forward, the floor coming up fast. L caught him, arms around Light’s waist. “Get - off - me,” Light croaked.
“You’ll thank me for this,” L’s voice said softly, a mockery of gentleness. Light’s eyes dragged close, the words he wanted to say slipping away with consciousness and life. The last thing he was aware of was the faint feeling of L stroking his hair, and the gentle whisper:
“Goodnight, Kira-kun.”
~.~
Light opened his eyes into darkness. His head spun. And he could feel his heart beating.
It was last of all that he became slowly aware of the bonds tethering his wrists and ankles.
“Not poison,” said a voice, mildly out of the darkness. And terribly familiar. “Just a particularly nasty sedative. I am sorry, but it was the most tasteless and undetectable, and I could not have you becoming suspicious.”
Light’s mouth felt dry and like it was full of sand. He swallowed hard, trying to muster up some spit. “What do - you think - you’re doing - L,” he forced out, voice raspy, and started coughing. His silent watcher said nothing, offered no water, and did not apologize again. Did not speak at all. Light tried again. “You can’t-“
“I can,” said L, and Light could hear the satisfaction in his voice. “I can do anything I want, Light Yagami. It’s all arranged.” Light felt sick to his stomach and his shoulder ached, no doubt from how he’d been lying on it. Nasty sedative indeed. Even in the dark, he could feel the room lurching.
“Where is this place?” he managed to ask. L’s voice was cool and emotionless again as he replied.
“You don’t need to know that. Only that it is a secure building. You will be here as long as I see fit.”
Light wasn’t too muddled to understand that. “Why are you doing this?” He asked, and it wasn’t difficult to put a note of fear in his voice. If he had been discovered, he’d be dead. And discovery was impossible. There were no mistakes. This was just another test. “Ryuzaki - at least turn on the lights!”
There was no answer. Gradually, Light understood that L had left.
He tried to move, to stand, but moving only made him feel more sick, and he didn’t want to vomit on himself. Besides, with his hands and feet bound, he could hardly have gotten anywhere anyway. The dark pressed in on him and he concentrated on breathing evenly, claustrophobia making his heart race.
Light curled up and closed his eyes, trying to focus, but the sedative must have still been in his system; his thoughts wouldn’t connect and he kept losing track of them. He was thirsty, so thirsty. What did L think he was doing here, what kind of game did he think he was playing…
L’s voice, in his ear. “Sit up, Light-kun. You sounded thirsty, so I brought you some water.”
For one dizzy moment, Light wondered if he was blind, but his eyes were beginning to adjust to the dark. He turned his head and could just make out the detective’s owl eyes peering at him out of the dark. Light licked his lips. “I’d rather you turned on the lights so I can at least see what kind of place this is.”
“No,” said L, voice still even and emotionless. “It is important to me that you remain confused and disoriented. My apologies.”
Light choked, and couldn’t help a bitter laugh. “You could teach a thing or two about brutal honesty, Ryuzaki. What did you tell my father?”
L’s hands pulled him into a sitting position. Propped up against L, he imagined that he could almost feel L’s heartbeat against the back of his head. Cool glass pressed against his lips. Light gritted his teeth and drank it. L didn’t answer. Light squirmed, which was about the only resistance he could make. “What did you tell him? You had to tell him something, what did you say? That I was Kira? He’d never believe-“
“Wouldn’t he?” Light’s stomach dropped and he turned his head away from the water. “I told him the truth, Light-kun, or what I know of it.” L’s fingers dug into his side like claws. “And you will tell me the rest.”
Light took a deep breath through his nose. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
L released him and pulled away, and Light fell awkwardly to his back. “Yes. You. Do.” Light squirmed to his side, shoulders beginning to ache. “I know who you are,” L said, voice still perfectly cool. “I will unravel your lies. The truth will out.” L’s smile made Light’s blood run cold. “Does that frighten you, Kira-kun?”
The door slammed behind him.
“Ryuzaki!” Light yelled. “L!” His voice echoed in the confines of his prison. There was no response. Of course. L would be there when L wanted; make the schedule irregular. Keep the prisoner disoriented. Create an environment controlled exclusively by you. You, the interrogator.
Light took a shaky breath. He just had to focus. L had no proof, nothing, and (it didn’t matter, L could say anything and everyone would believe it, they could kill you without asking questions if L said-) Light wanted to scream. He was still alive, so there was something left, something that L wanted. That gave him time.
Time to figure out how to save his life. Lie, he thought. That’s all I have to do, lie. I'm good at lying. Light closed his eyes and strained his ears, trying to hear something, anything beyond his own breathing. There was nothing.
~.~
He must have slept, because when he opened his eyes there was light. He was still sitting on the floor, propped up against the wall, and L was sitting slouched in a chair a few feet away. Light squinted, wondering if the way the too bright lights formed a halo at L’s back was intentional.
“Did you sleep well?” L asked politely. Light said nothing, and just stared at him. L shook his head.
“I told you yesterday that I was going to get my answers, didn’t I? And I will.” He leaned forward, eyes glittering like beetles’ wings. “I never lose."
There’s a first time for everything, Light thought savagely, but kept his mouth shut.
L’s head tilted back. “When did you find the Death Note?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’d never seen it before you did.”
“Lie,” L said, and his thumb lifted to his lips. He chewed at it, briefly. “Let’s try again. At what point did your murders become systematic?”
Light drew up his shoulders and struggled not to glare at L with all the hatred he could muster. “I'm not Kira, Ryuzaki. I thought we were done with this.”
L sighed. “Ah well. It was worth a try; I know you’ll be harder than that, Light. It’s what’s made you such an interesting challenge. I'm going to make you a deal. A very simple one.”
Light hesitated, then responded warily. “And what’s that?”
“You tell me something no one else knows - I'm sure there are a number of things, you and me keep secrets like gold pieces. And you can move to a more comfortable room. With a bed.”
Light took a few breaths through his nose, and pushed. “Untie my hands. My shoulders hurt.”
“No,” L said. “That isn’t part of the deal. I’ll let you think about it.”
Light thought about it. He was surrounded by concrete, in what was nothing more than a cell, and without even the amenities of that. He just had to think of a secret that was harmless enough to tell, and L was right; that should be easy enough. He had plenty of them, and most of them were useless. Small things. Unimportant things.
The one that popped into his head first was when I was innocent, sometimes I still wanted to strangle you. Light pushed that away. He was innocent, as far as anyone knew. There was nothing L could reasonably hold him for.
And yet L was, and L could, and L did.
Suddenly every single one of his innocent secrets seemed to expose some hidden vice, all pointing to him and chanting Kira. Light looked up, abruptly. He looked straight at L.
“I'm scared to die,” he said.
L nodded, looking distant, and then smiled. “And yet you joined the single most dangerous murder case the world has ever seen…interesting, Kira-kun.”
“Don’t call me that,” Light snapped. “Don’t - do that. Don’t act like you can make me something I'm not because I'm scared to die. Everyone is!”
“I'm not,” said L, and stood. “And am I really making you something you’re not? Goodnight, Kira-kun.”
“Wait,” Light said, hating the touch of desperation in his voice. “What about the room? You said if I-“
“Told me something no one knew,” L completed, “Then, yes, you could have a better room. But I already knew that, Kira-kun. You’ll have to do a bit better than that.”
The door clanged shut. The lights went out. Light screamed in frustration, not caring who heard. He had to get out of here, had to get out and soon; at least out of this concrete cell. Something that no one knew. It should have been easy. He should have been able to find something, even, that could be used against L, to rattle his certainty, to engage his sympathy, something. The man was only human, wasn’t he?
But there was nothing.
It was the sedative, he thought, the damned sedative, slowing him down.
Even though he knew that the sedative was long gone by now.
In a couple hours, Light thought bleakly, he would need a bathroom. He hoped L would allow him one.
Life had never looked so dark, or at least not for a long time.
~.~
Light looked into L’s eyes and spoke with defiance, even if he could almost feel the ache from lack of sleep behind his eyes. “When my father…held a gun to my head because you told him to, I wanted to kill both of you. I never understood how you couldn’t find another way.”
He closed his eyes and dropped his chin to his chest. “I remember wondering if you were just doing it because you could. To prove that you had power over me. Like you are now.”
L tilted his head. “Why didn’t you, then? Kill your father. Have Amane kill me.”
“Because I couldn’t,” Light said, hearing his own voice tighten. Helpless; with his memories back, he had almost been able to forget that feeling. He had it now.
“Because you would only have been captured anyway?”
“Because I didn’t have the ability!” Light’s voice snapped. L seemed thoughtful.
“What are you more afraid of, Light-kun,” And Light hated that he felt a small flush of gratitude at the sound of his name, “Death? Or loss of control?”
Light stiffened. “Are you my psychiatrist or my interrogator?”
“Just a thought,” L said, leaning back. “A very interesting…thought. Thank you, Light-kun.” He stood, picked up the glass of water, and came over. Light stared at him warily as L nodded to the glass.
“Drink your water. I'm afraid I want you sedated for the journey upstairs.” Light stared at the cup, then looked at L. L smirked. “Don’t worry, this isn’t nearly as unpleasant as the one last time. Short-term only. I promise.”
Light swallowed, and said, “Do you just like to see me suffer, Ryuzaki? Does it please you?” He couldn’t keep the anger from his tone, but L laughed and tipped the glass and water into Light’s mouth, and he swallowed to keep from choking.
“And what if it does?” L murmured, and his low chuckle followed Light into the quickly descending darkness.
He resurfaced what seemed like moments later; it could have been minutes, it could have been hours. There was no clock in the room. He was lying on a Queen-size bed, hands and feet still bound, but the mattress felt good, soft.
Light closed his eyes and pressed his forehead into the pillow, trying to shift to moderate the ache in his shoulders. There was no point to his being bound like this. It was just - and he had to fight not to grind his teeth - because L felt like it.
Light thought he had hated L before for all the petty humiliations and larger destructions, but it was nothing to what he felt now, burning safely buried where it couldn’t be seen. No, he knew hatred now. It tasted like humiliation and sand and too much sugar in the god-damned coffee.
He took a deep breath through his nose. There was no point to anger. Anger wouldn’t get him out of this. He just had to remain cool and level and think. L couldn’t keep him forever (yes he could). There were rules to their engagement (and they had been broken). Yes, he had no resources - though he wondered what Misa was doing, probably nothing, useless woman - but he had his mind, and that had been more than enough resource for years. His mind and his charisma (that proved utterly useless on L).
Light groaned. This was useless. All he could do was wait. It seemed likely that L was the only way he could get anywhere, and L was the last person he wanted to deal with.
As if summoned by thought, L was back. Light thought he caught a brief smirk.
“More comfortable?”
Ah, so that was how it was going to be. “Quite, thank you,” Light said, stiff but polite.
“If I know you at all,” L said, “You are no doubt hard at work on some plan to get out of here. So I would like to be perfectly clear. One, you will not walk out of here a free man. In the event that I die, so will you; that has been arranged.”
There was a long silence. Light sighed, shifting to lean back against the pillows, even if it hurt his arms. “You said ‘one.’ That indicates more."
L moved so quickly. One minute he was across the room, the next he was peering into Light’s face, only inches away. “I am going to ask you some yes or no questions. All you have to do is answer and your - hobbles, for lack of a better word, will be removed. Even if you lie. Is that clear?”
Light took a few deep breaths through his nose. “And my hands?”
L smiled, and took a step back. “Now then. The Death Note recovered from Higuchi had certain…ah, rules written on it. Yes or no?”
Light sighed, and closed his eyes. He had nothing to lose. “Yes.”
“And one of the rules read that “the individuals who lose the ownership of the Death Note will also lose their memory of the usage of the Death Note,” yes or no?”
Light felt his heart lurch. Damn him. Damn the bastard if he thought he could-! “Yes.”
“Therefore, it might be possible for someone to have owned and used a Death Note, but to lose their memory of having done so. Yes or no?”
“I can see where this is going,” Light said, quickly. “And I want you to know-“
“Just yes or no, Kira-kun.”
Don’t call me that. Light ground his teeth. “Yes, I suppose.”
L smiled, and Light felt shivers run down his spine, suddenly afraid. This man was in power of his fate. This man had already proven that he could be cruel. Light steeled himself for what would come next. “Thank you,” L said, and stepped back toward Light, long fingers brushing his ankle as he began to undo the bonds. “That is all.”
His hands pulled away, though Light thought he felt L’s fingers linger just for a moment on his bare feet before he withdrew and exited the room. Wait, he wanted to say. And didn’t.
Light managed to sleep a little that night, but restlessly, and he dreamed of his head on a chopping block.
~.~
When he opened his eyes, L was waiting.
“Not you again,” he said, blearily. His shoulders hurt fiercely and he realized that he was hungry.
“Yes, me again.” L held up a tray. “I brought you food. You will eat it.”
“Untie my hands,” Light said, already knowing what the answer would be.
“No.”
L literally spoon-fed him. Light was tempted to refuse, but if he didn’t eat he would only get lightheaded and L would probably do the same thing anyway. That didn’t mean he wasn’t seething, though, wishing he could spit venom at L’s placid and innocent expression.
“My mother used to do this when I was sick,” Light said, and then wasn’t sure why. L’s eyebrows rose slightly.
“Do I remind you of your mother, Kira-kun?”
“No,” Light said, and found his mouth quirking. “Not exactly.”
“Good,” said L. “Your mother always seemed quite…pleasant.” L frowned. “She would be devastated to find out that her son was a murderer.”
“I'm not a murderer,” Light said, forgetting his almost-smile, suddenly angry. “You have no proof, you have no right-“
“Naomi Misora,” said L, suddenly. “Is what I don’t understand. She’s no fool. If she knew something, and I assume she did, she would have found me. But she didn’t. And yet she would have told no one, so I can’t think how you discovered that she knew…or why she would give you her name.”
I told her I was you, Light thought viciously. And because she’d never seen your face, because you’re a coward who hides from the world, she believed me, and she died. He would have loved to see L’s face if he said that. He took his strength from imagining that.
“I don’t know,” Light said, “I never met a Naomi Misora in my life.”
L looked at him, and frowned. “Too deadpan. Unconvincing.” He shook his head. “A waste, Kira-kun, such a waste.”
Then he was gone.
Light spent the next half hour thinking of all the ways he would have liked to kill L, in painstaking detail. It kept him calm. It kept him from screaming.
It didn’t keep him from feeling the walls closing in.
Light curled up on the bed and pressed his forehead to his knees.
~.~
This time, he felt L entering the room. Light didn’t move. “This room is too small,” he said into his knees.
He could hear the skepticism in L’s voice. “Claustrophobic, Kira-kun? I’d never noted that in you before.”
“Never, before the - imprisonment,” Light said tightly. “Afterward - as long as I had something to think about, it didn’t matter.”
Light felt L sit down on the bed. L’s hand brushed his shoulder. “I'm sorry,” the detective murmured, and he sounded sincere. So sincere. “There’s nowhere I can move you to.”
Light laughed, sharply and bitterly. “I expected as much.”
“But I can stay here,” L murmured. “A distraction? Until the episode passes.”
“Talking about Kira,” Light said, managing not to make it vicious, “Will hardly help.”
“Then whatever will,” L said, and this time the brush of his hand on Light’s shoulder was intentional, and L’s long white fingers stayed there. “Tell me about your family. Your sister. You never talk about her. Sayu, right?”
Light opened his eyes, confused, but that also brought home how very tangible the darkness was, pressing close around him. “Just my little sister,” he said, desperate to fend it off. A distraction. Sayu was easy, Sayu wasn’t connected to anything. It was like L had offered him an out, on purpose.
Compassion, said a part of Light that should have died with the return of his memories of the Death Note. He isn’t merciless.
No! Screamed the more cynical part of his mind. This is something else, all part of some plan, you just don’t know what.
Light was caught somewhere in between, talking about Sayu, babbling about Sayu. The darkness receded, and L’s hand on the back of his neck was cool and comforting and human.
He realized, distantly, that he had not seen any other person but L for the past who knew how many days.
By morning, human-L was gone, and detective-L had taken his place.
“Kira-kun,” he asked, and Light realized how very tired he was of not hearing his name all over again. “Have you ever been to Aoyama?”
“Of course I have,” Light said. “Everyone has. Can you please not call me that?”
“No. And no, not everybody has. I have not.”
“Yes,” Light said, and he couldn’t keep it from coming out somewhat acidly, “But have you been anywhere that isn’t a hotel room?”
“Watari and I went to the Museum of Natural History in New York,” L said, and paused. “Once. But the point is moot. You have been to Aoyama.” It wasn’t a question, so Light didn’t answer. L’s fingers tapped against his leg. “Misa Amane,” he said, suddenly. “You clearly have no interest in her. Why haven’t you left her?”
“She wouldn’t leave,” Light said, in complete honesty. “Even if I dumped her, I doubt she would accept it. Besides, I-“
“Lie,” L said gleefully, before Light had even gotten the words out. “Interesting. You haven’t asked about her at all, I notice.”
“I assume that you will tell me if I am permitted to know,” Light said, “And that asking will do not good.”
L smiled. “That is correct.” The detective turned to leave, and Light hesitated, then called after.
“Wait. Aren’t you going to release my arms? I answered your questions.”
“Yes you did,” L said calmly. “Quite admirably.”
And he closed the door.
Light maneuvered to the side of the bed and sat up. It was more comfortable for his shoulders, and he could look at the wall instead of the ceiling. This could be forever. This could be the rest of his life. If I had my hands, Light thought briefly, I could at least make a noose and hang myself.
A moment later he hated himself for the thought.
He would not break (he was already breaking). He would not fail (he had already failed).
Light’s bright new world was dying before his eyes.
~.~
Light thought it was night, but he couldn’t be sure. Without windows, or regular sleep, or regular meals, he wasn’t even sure how long it had been. He couldn’t sleep, though; his mind was too wired to rest. His thoughts spun in circles until his head ached.
He waited, hour after hour after hour, for L to come back.
Now that he could walk, he could reach the bathroom. There was a glass by the sink, but every twinge of his shoulders reminded him painfully that he couldn’t use his hands.
He sat back down on the bed and waited, staring at the floor. L didn’t come.
A moment later Light realized that he was anticipating L’s visit, and there was a foul taste in his mouth. It was only boredom, he assured himself, only boredom and the lack of any other human company - but that was just the problem, wasn’t it? Light knew how this sort of thing worked. In isolation, with no one else to turn to, a human being will find someone to attach to.
L wanted him vulnerable, in need of human connection that only L could offer. Light knew this. It didn’t make him immune.
He hated himself for straightening when the door opened on L staring at him intently. “Light-kun,” he said, and for a moment Light was immensely pleased to hear his name, and then ashamed that he’d felt it at all. “Answer me this. Your family. Do you love them?”
Light tensed. “Of course I do. What kind of a question is that?”
“Mmm,” L said, his thumb going to his lips. “Probably an irrelevant one. Probably.” He paused. “No, I believe you. Whatever else you are, Kira-kun, I do not think you are a sociopath. Certainly an extraordinarily deluded young man.”
Light seethed. It was with effort that he kept himself from saying something, though he wondered, somewhere deep, what the use was in lying anymore. “I don’t see what the point of this is, Ryuzaki."
“I am constructing a profile,” L said, casually, “Of you, that I will be sending to Interpol. I think things have progressed far enough with you that I can do that.” He paused, seeming to be thinking. “I was just trying to find the right words, and I thought I would ask the man himself for assistance.”
Light thought his heart had stopped. He stared at L, disbelieving. “You can’t,” he started to say.
“I can,” L corrected him. “I will, of course, tell your family in person. They deserve that much, though really it should be you.”
I'm going to die, Light thought with blank horror. I'm just waiting here until they decide how. His breath felt short. He stared at L, and L’s black eyes glittered. “I am sorry,” said L, in the same even tone. “It is a waste.”
He turned to go.
“Wait,” Light couldn’t help but cry out. “Please, don’t let this happen. I'm innocent.”
“Lie,” said L, without turning around, and he was gone.
This time, Light didn’t hold back his scream. He was helpless. So utterly helpless. And whatever he did, whatever move he made, he was going to die. L held all the cards, and Light had nothing.
This was wrong. This was all wrong.
When his voice failed, Light curled up on the bed and tried to breathe normally. Forfeiting the Death Note would get him nowhere. He was trapped and scared and alone. What a god. Oh, how the mighty have fallen, Light thought, and wanted to laugh until he retched.
~.~
Light didn’t realize that he’d fallen asleep until he woke, confused and disoriented, on his stomach with someone fumbling at his wrists. The tie loosened and abruptly fell away, and it was with a gasp of relief that Light let his arms fall to his sides, the blood flooding painfully back into his limbs.
“Come with me,” said L’s voice.
Light hesitated. Something wasn’t right. Everything wasn’t right. He wondered abruptly if this was it; the execution. L’s voice snapped out again, a clear command. “Come with me. You will walk in front of me, close, with your arms at your sides. Do you understand?”
Light winced as his arms moved, rotating in his shoulder socket. It had to be bruised. “I understand,” he said, finally, and stood. L planted one hand in the center of his back between his shoulder blades and propelled him forward.
It was dark, all the lights out. Light slowed down, but L pushed him forward. “I can’t see,” Light protested, but L said nothing, apparently ignoring him.
They stopped at last. L reached out and opened something that must have been a door, and light burst painfully into Light’s eyes as L shoved him in and closed the door firmly behind them.
Light blinked hard and fast, trying to take in the room, but L was already moving, and before he could react he found himself shoved against a table in the middle of the room, a forceful hand on the back of his neck slamming him down, bent double over the edge. Light wheezed in surprise.
“Hey-“
“Shut up,” said L, his voice like a gavel coming down. His fingers tightened on the back of Light’s neck. “Don’t fight, this’ll be easier.” Light twisted almost automatically, trying to wiggle free.
“What do you think you’re playing at, L, this isn’t-“
The hand that wasn’t holding Light’s face pressed against the wood of the table slid around his hips to the front of his pants and skillfully undid the button, then the zipper. Light panicked, yelled, lashed out.
L held his head down harder, fingers pressing painfully into certain points on his neck as his other hand yanked Light’s pants down over his hips. Light could hear his own hiss of rage, trying to reach L with nails, legs, anything; nothing worked.
He gritted his teeth and panted, rage warring with fear as he heard the sound of another zipper coming down. “Stop,” he said again, “Stop, now, or I’ll-“
“There is nothing you can do,” L said, his fingers squeezing again. Light felt horribly vulnerable, naked, exposed. His body jerked, and then he felt L pressing against him. Skin on skin and he could feel the other man’s half-hard cock pressing against his body-
“What are you doing?” Light asked frantically, struggling, his nails digging into the soft varnish of the table. L’s hips held him pinned even as the hand on his neck pulled away.
“Testing a theory,” said L and Light could see him holding a small jar, unscrewing the cap, out of the corner of his eye. He renewed his fight, his rapid breaths catching like sobs in his throat. There were fingers touching, invading him, and he couldn’t do this, he couldn’t do this…
“Please, stop,” Light said, and he could hear the desperation in his voice. “I’ll do anything.”
L stopped. Light sank into the table, breathing hard. He closed his eyes and fought not to slip to the floor. He could almost hear L smile. “Interesting,” he murmured, closing his jeans. “Yes…I'm done. Thank you, Kira-kun. Come with me, then, back to your room.”
Light followed after a moment of incredulous stillness, still feeling almost dizzy with relief. He watched L’s back warily, and remained perfectly silent, as though to make a sound would attract L’s attention again.
He watched the door close behind L with relief, and sat on the other side of the room, fighting to stay awake and watching the door. He succumbed eventually, though, crawling under the covers and pulling them over his head, as though that would help.
He dreamed that night, for the first time since L had kidnapped him. He dreamed that L didn’t stop, and that it felt good. Really good.
And he died when it was over.
~.~
Light woke up and found L walking around his room. He stiffened at once, but the detective seemed distracted, thinking hard. He said nothing, watching him with wary eyes. I don’t understand, he wanted to protest, but that was such a foolish thing to say, who ever really understood anything at all…
He wanted his world back in control. Back to normalcy. Anything could be happening outside and he would have no idea.
“You’re awake,” said L, perfectly bland and perfectly nonchalant, as if nothing had changed.
“What’s happening,” Light asked, trying and failing to make a demand. He felt brittle. Like glass. “Out there. What’s happening?”
“Nothing,” L said, casually. “Absolutely nothing…just a day like any other. Why?”
“What day is it?” Light asked, not really expecting an answer.
“April third,” said L, simply, and Light stilled.
“That long? There’s no way it’s-“
“It hasn’t. I lied.” L looked over his shoulder and smirked. Light’s hands clenched on the blankets. “So it’s come down to this. You were good, Kira-kun. Just not good enough for me.”
“Is that what this is?” Light said, unable to keep the ferocity out of his voice. “Gloating? You’re just going to gloat before you send me off to be executed?”
“Would you have done any different?” L smiled, slightly. “Don’t be a sore loser, Light-kun. That’s just the way it works.”
Light’s heart hammered in his chest. When? He wanted to ask. When will it be? Or plaintively, but I'm going to die, you said, you said…
“No,” was all he could manage. L was suddenly there, looming over him, grabbing his shirt and pushing him up against a wall.
“No?” L demanded in his low voice. “You wouldn’t have done any different? Is that a confession, Kira-kun, at last?”
“No,” he said again, through his teeth, “No, it isn’t, I mean no, you can’t do this-“
“You keep saying that,” L said, his mouth barely moving, face inches from Light’s. “But I can. I can send you to die. I can do anything I want.” L smirked, abruptly. “Like this.”
L grabbed Light’s arms and held them to the wall, and kissed him. There wasn’t anything gentle or tender about it, about the way L’s lips mashed against his and the way his hipbones dig into Light’s flesh as his body pinned him.
He struggled uselessly as L surfaced, his dark, depthless eyes boring into Light’s. “Go on,” he said, his voice almost a purr. “Say it.”
“No,” Light said, in both denial and refusal, and L laughed at him, his hands squeezing on Light’s pinned arms, and kissed him again. This time, he was kind. His tongue ran delicately along Light’s lower lip and the slight rocking movement of his captor’s hips drew a gasp from Light against his will, giving L’s tongue an opening to slide into his mouth.
He could have bit down, drawn blood, given back some of the pain he’s suffered. But he didn’t, and the longer he let L kiss him, struggles slowing and body relaxing, the better it felt.
When L pulled away, it was Light and not the detective who was breathing significantly harder. “Stop,” Light said, his voice shaking, “Just - what do you want, what else-“
L’s tongue ran over the shell of Light’s ear. “Confess?” His rich voice murmured. Light felt his body shudder violently. He could almost feel L’s claws hooked in his flesh even as the detective released his arms. It would have been within Light’s power to reach up and cut off L’s breathing, strangle his enemy slowly. It would have been immensely satisfying, once.
He just felt powerless, now, helpless. Every escape he could think of only ended in death, and he didn’t want to die. Wasn’t ready to die-
“I’ll die,” he whispered. L’s fingers ran down the back of his neck.
“Not necessarily.”
“But you said-“
“I lied.” L’s other hand inched up under his shirt, pressed flat against his belly. Light couldn’t keep himself from squirming, just a little. “I needed you to break. Two things, then, that you feared; death, and a loss of control. Perfect.” L kissed Light’s jaw, tongue inching out to taste the skin.
Light hissed, faintly. “You - bastard - have no right to play with me like that-“
L’s mouth pressed against his neck, suckled at the skin. “I have every right. I have every right, Light-kun, to your life, your liberty, and your truth…” Light moaned, twitched. “Tell me,” L murmured. “Tell me how you killed Naomi Misora…”
There was no point in holding back anymore, Light thought weakly. He’d lost already; lost from the moment he’d touched that coffee dosed with sedative. Futile anger flooded through him again, and he spoke almost savagely. “I told her I was - ah - I told her I was you.” Light took a couple short, sharp breaths and tried weakly to push L away. “Stop it-“
“No.” L’s mouth moved up behind his ear, tongue probing against the hollow behind it as the hand under his shirt drew a finger down his breastbone. “So you are Kira, Light-kun.”
“Yes,” he whispered, eyes closing, his stomach turning over.
“Say it for me,” L murmured. His lips closed over Light’s earlobe and sucked on that, too. Light twitched.
“I am Kira.”
“So you are,” murmured L, “And I am L.” The hand under his shirt pulled away, and so did L. Light nearly staggered, caught off balance, and braced with his hands pressed white knuckled against the wall, staring at L with wild animal eyes.
“It’s over,” L murmured. “Miss Amane is nothing without you. I have everything I need from you, Light-kun. So now…”
“That’s it?” Light said, hearing his own voice brittle and sharp, hating his own slipping self-control. But what did it matter? He was already naked, stripped of everything: rights, pride, dignity. “You have what you want-“
“Not quite,” L said, and looked at Light. Smiled, barely. “You expect me to give you up, Light-kun?”
His name again, Light thought. What did that mean. And then stilled. He thought of the darkness in L’s eyes, and the hungry press of his lips. “I’d rather die,” he said flatly.
“Would you?” L shook his head slightly, and took a step toward Light. He stiffened. “I don’t think so. But it doesn’t matter. You don’t have a choice. I told you, Light-kun. You are mine.”
“You can’t just keep me here forever,” Light said, impotent rage flooding through him. “There’ll be questions, what about-“
“It won’t be forever,” L said, softly, almost gently, Light would have said, if he didn’t know so much better - the muzzle of a gun pressed to his forehead - “Just long enough. You’re not the only one who can find loopholes, Light-kun. Four-hundred and ninety days, isn’t that right?”
If you lose the Death Note or have it stolen, you will lose its ownership unless you retrieve it within 490 days.
“No,” Light said, and then again, with more desperation. “No. You can’t-“
“I can,” L said, with that horrible kind of determination. There came a knock at the door and the detective turned away, opened it, exchanged a few words. Light watched dully. They were his memories. His, not L’s to steal as he pleased-
The detective returned, held out a glass of water. “Here,” he said, gently. “You need to rest.”
“I'm not going to take anything from you,” Light said savagely. “Never again. I will never-“
He should have known better.
~.~
“I'm going to kill you,” Light managed to say.
“In four-hundred-ninety days you will forget,” L said, and Light felt his fingers run through his hair as the world began to fade. “All I have to do is wait.”