[Supernatural]: Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silence

[minviendha]

Title: Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silence
Fandom: Supernatural
Prompt: From checkthemargins at ohsam here.
Summary: Sam's back. He's in one piece. That's the problem.
Warnings: self-mutilation, hellferences, random use of Latin
Notes: In which, once again, my attempts at both slash and hurt/comfort turn out way more horror than either. Oh dear. Still, sick of staring

Comments

[sinka]

Oh, man. This fucking HURTS! This is painful and creepy and what makes it even worse is that THIS is real. This is 100% Sam!!

Because, isn't it exactly this what Sam has been doing the whole season? scratch that, the whole series? Sam always always hides and belittles his own issues. He can be fucking dying that he will still say he's fine, and Lucifer can be setting him on fire that he will still reason with Dean that this is a normal side-effect and that he can life with it. He will always self-destruct himself without a second of hesitation because he thinks that's what he has to do, and he will talk about it so rationally that you will only be able to AGREE with him!!

Sam may probably be the only person in the world able to rationaze away how utterly broken (and crazy) he is, and just keep living with it. And I'm fairly sure ever since he came back from the cage he has gotten ever better at it, because that's what Lucifer did and he has learned from the best.

And well, Lucifer may not be walking around in his head anymore, but he's definitely still in his memories. So it makes a lot of sense that Sam can start poking to the other sides of his enourmous PTSD. I'm not sure Sam is ABLE right now to be alone inside his own mind. Maybe hallucifer was actually protecting him from concentrating on the weight of his memories and his nightmares. After all, Sam's soul is still in pieces (as Death said, it cannot be fixed).

The idea of Sam needing the scars to recognize himself is creepy but real. Because he spent a lot more time with those scars that without them. That's WHO he is now. Sam is not suicidal, he's just destroyed.

It could be enough.

That sentences does NOT convince me. And I feel for Dean in this story, because he can never let his guard down. Sam won't show any outward clue that anything is wrong (mainly because he won't even know it) until he decides to act again. And he will surely keep going until he's exactly how he must be (how Lucifer made him when rightfully punishing him) until he unknowingly kills himself.

Not sure even Dean's love can save him, but I hope he tries until the end.

[minviendha]

As I just said in that meme - Sam is understatement. Sam is downplaying and letting just enough out to get away with keeping the rest quiet. And yes, yes, what I find most painful about this Sam is that he does firmly believe what he's saying, that this is just normal, this is just how things are, and the thing is that he's so good at making it sound true because he believes it himself. His mindset is, like, "well, yeah, it's too bad, but this is just the way things are, so it's okay" and there is so much wrong with that considering where he is. And yesss, it is at least partially (in my head) because that is what Lucifer would do, twist Sam around and convince him that everything was for the best. I have written this fic already.

I think having that much space in your head might actually be dangerous, yeah. Considering how much Hallucifer has been taking up, there's a vacuum now, and something's got to take its place, and it only makes sense that it'd be the rest of the damage.

God, Sam, you're such a mess. The more I write about it the more I want to roll around in it forever feel sorry for him.

I am not entirely convinced by the end either. Sam is trying to convince himself, but I don't think he really believes it either. I think he knows that it might last for a little while, but not forever. That he'll have to find new coping mechanisms. And yes, that's exactly it - there'll be no warning for Dean, nothing, because as far as Sam will show everything will be peachy-keen right up until the moment he bleeds out.

...so that's my depressing tl;dr for this fic. XD Thank you, as always! You are lovely and say lovely things.