(You Look Like) A Perfect Fit, Alicia/Kalinda, PG
Title: (You Look Like) A Perfect Fit
Pairing: Kalinda/Alicia
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Through 3x11
Disclaimer: Not mine! These belong to the Kings, CBS et al. No profit. No harm, no foul (it's a basketball term, Your Honor)
Prompt: For sweetjamielee's prompt birthday
Dedication: Belated birthday wishes first of all, Jamie! I hope you've had lovely holidays, especially since next year's will be so different! This turned into a bigger story than I thought, but I hope I've done our girls justice!
Alicia knows the theory of leaving well enough alone; hell, she's even forced herself to abide by it more often than not. But there's a part of her, a part that even Owen would deny exists, that can't help but poke and prod at things just to see what will happen next.
She's the one to ask Mom why she and Daddy are fighting all the time, and the answer still haunts Alicia in quiet moments almost thirty years later. She's the one who asks Peter why he's so nervous over dinner the week before graduation, and it makes him fumble the no doubt perfect proposal he had planned.
When she doesn't press, doesn't ask that extra question or look that little bit harder, Alicia gets blindsided. That's why the smell of dry-cleaning chemicals makes her feel sick even now, and why it feels like for everything someone tells her, she searches their face for the something else they haven't said. Maybe it makes her a better lawyer, but she's sure as hell not a happier person.
What it boils down to, quite simply, is this: if the shit is gonna hit the fan anyway, isn't it better to know when to duck?
*
It's not a conscious choice to let Kalinda back into her life, at least not at first. The kindness of Kalinda tracking down Grace affects Alicia far more deeply than she wants it to. From another parent, from a different kind of person it would be a basic kindness; for Kalinda it’s a major lifestyle choice, no matter how well she plays her involvement down.
Somewhere in between being grateful and the disaster of her personal life, Alicia feels the forgiveness start to take root inside her. It’s easy to dismiss at first--tell herself she’s getting soft, that there’s a long way to go. But Kalinda is meeting her eyes again, offering those gentle half-smiles when the occasion allows. Alicia reaches out for everyone who’s pulling away, and finds herself grasping for Kalinda instead. Kalinda, who runs away from everyone and everything, stays put while Alicia works out how to let her back in.
It’s a typical Friday, in that Alicia is too tired to work a minute longer and too wired to even think about an early night. She stops by Kalinda’s office (which is not remotely on her way out) and extends an olive branch as gingerly as though it were coated in explosives.
“I thought maybe we could get a drink?” Alicia says, without waiting for Kalinda to notice her there in the doorway.
“Sure,” Kalinda says in that lightly accented way of hers, without looking up from her phone.
“The usual place?” Alicia dusts off the phrase like it’s been left in storage for decades, but Kalinda simply nods and it sends Alicia scurrying off to the parking lot before she can reconsider.
*
The first test (no prodding this time) is to see if they can make it through the whole evening without mentioning Peter. It’s harder than Alicia would have thought, especially since his involvement with her life is rooted in picking up the kids or returning them. How sad that seventeen years of marriage should boil down to that.
Kalinda orders tequila without asking if Alicia wants anything else, and they knock back the first shot like a starter’s pistol has been fired.
“I guess we have a lot to catch up on,” Alicia suggests.
Kalinda’s snort, falling into an outright laugh, is the best thing she’s heard in weeks.
*
The second test is to address it (because Alicia can’t leave it alone, she has to poke at the scab just a little and see if it’s really healing).
Kalinda looks braced for the question, but Kalinda is always ready for just about anything, so Alicia doesn’t feel too bad about asking.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” She asks, and tonight they’re drinking wine because it’s not a Friday and there are depositions in the morning.
“For what it’s worth,” Kalinda sighs, stroking one finger lazily along the stem of her glass. “It was really hard to keep it from you.”
“Wow, I’m really sorry to hear that,” Alicia deadpans, trying to fight off the rolling wave of hurt.
“No,” Kalinda huffs, clearly uncomfortable. “I mean, it wouldn’t have been hard if it was anyone else. But it mattered that you didn’t get hurt, more than how hard it was not to tell you. Guess I screwed that up.”
“Just a bit,” Alicia admits, but there’s a warmth to her now. “Don’t ever lie to me again.”
“Then I won’t promise,” Kalinda says, staring her down. “But I can tell you that I’ll try.”
And that, Alicia knows, is not a gift that Kalinda offers lightly.
*
Alicia has to fit in shopping on her lunch breaks lately, because Peter is just as busy as she is and she’s happy to take the kids for extra weekends, not least to keep them out of Jackie’s clutches. But it severely limits her chances to shop for Grace’s imminent birthday and while most things are available online, Alicia can’t let it pass without buying at least one thing herself.
Kalinda looks as close as she ever gets to panicked as Alicia drags her (almost bodily) through the department store.
“Haven’t you heard of Amazon?” Kalinda pleads as Alicia picks up item after item. “This is so old-fashioned.”
“I prefer to think of it as traditional,” Alicia smirks, finally making a stop at the jewelry counter. She’s settled now on a ‘grown-up’ necklace, because Grace seems to think that turning fifteen is about the most grown-up anyone will ever be. Alicia smiles at how much her headstrong little girl has to learn.
“You’re buying her a crucifix?” Kalinda asks, drawn in despite herself.
“No, just a plain cross,” Alicia explains, pointing out her choice to the sales assistant. “I think she’ll stop lashing out so much if I at least make an effort with this whole Jesus obsession.”
“If you say so,” Kalinda shrugs, looking not that much older than Grace today. Maybe it’s the way that she’s added a scarf and gloves to her usual leather jacket--a little vulnerability, even to the cold, rubs away some of Kalinda’s ageless, tough facade.
“I do say so,” Alicia says, handing over her card. “Be nice, or I won’t get anything for your birthday.”
“You don’t know when my birthday is,” Kalinda smirks, pleased to have the upper hand again. “Nobody does.”
“You could tell me,” Alicia points out.
“Now, where’s the fun in that?”
*
The third test is the toughest, but Alicia knows that her experiment won’t stand up without it. She has to discuss Kalinda with Peter without losing her cool, without letting it upset the freshly refilled apple cart of her friendship in the process.
And luckily, she now has an excuse.
Nobody at the State’s Attorney’s office bats an eye when she shows up without an appointment--most of the staff remember her more from Peter’s first term than from her run-ins here with Glenn Childs and Cary. She strolls straight through to Peter’s outer office, and when she’s announced he comes out to greet her himself. Sometimes it pays to catch him off-guard.
“There’s something I need your help with,” she says, taking the offered seat in front of his desk. It’s the first time they’ve sat opposite each other like this, in their respective official capacities. Peter steeples his fingers, but there’s still some lingering affection in the way he looks at her. Alicia doesn’t dwell on how much that no longer affects her.
“Fire away,” he offers, ignoring the blinking lights on his phone and the stacks of case files waiting on his desk. He’s always been good at making her think the whole world could be stopped for her.
“It’s a silly thing,” Alicia confesses, smiling even as she thinks of it. “You know Kalinda? Well, yes, of course you do.”
Peter tenses at the mention of her name, his mood shifting to defensive without saying a word.
“No, Peter,” she continues. “I’m not here to...I just need you to find out something for me. You might already know, anyway. I need her date of birth.”
“Isn’t it on file at the firm?” He asks, looking both surprised and vaguely suspicious about how lightly he’s getting off when it comes to this particular topic.
“Let’s just say I would have my doubts about the accuracy,” Alicia doesn’t quite explain.
“Hold on,” he says, flexing his wrists and turning to the computer. It only takes a few clicks and typing a few words before he turns back to her.
“December 28th--”
“I don’t need the year,” she interrupts. “Thank you.”
“Hey, it’s no problem,” he says, and he means it.
“I’ll see you Sunday afternoon?” Alicia confirms, standing to leave.
“You bet,” Peter agrees. “Thanks for the gift suggestions, by the way. This way Grace won’t hate me.”
“Oh Peter,” Alicia laughs. “Grace might do a lot of things, but she’ll never hate you.”
She walks out into the bitter chill of a December afternoon and begins the short walk back to Lockhart Gardner, a plan already forming in her mind.
*
The firm gets much quieter over the holidays. Desks everywhere are unoccupied as people leave the big city to visit family in smaller, unknown places. Alicia’s grateful to have her family close by, but as the kids do the rounds of her relations and Peter’s, she finds herself with not much to do but work in the days that separate Christmas and New Year.
Which makes it particularly easy to be in the office early on the 28th, leaving her carefully selected package on Kalinda’s desk before the early-morning cleaners are even done. (For such a mistrusting person, Kalinda rarely locks her office. Alicia wonders if that’s just because she keeps nothing of value in there, or whether Kalinda’s just not good at owning things.)
It works, anyway. Shortly after nine, Kalinda appears in her doorway, carrying the plain, white cardboard box like it might blow up in her face at any moment.
“Hi, Kalinda,” Alicia says with genuine warmth.
“How did you find out?” Kalinda says, sounding somewhere between impressed and pissed off.
“I have my ways. Happy birthday, by the way,” Alicia adds.
“It’s a cupcake,” Kalinda pronounces the word like it’s in a language she doesn’t understand.
“Yup,” Alicia nods. “Best frosting in the city.”
“This is the big birthday deal I’ve been missing out on?” Kalinda looks genuinely confused.
“No, but everybody needs a little cake in their life. We could have drinks tonight, if you don’t have other plans?”
Alicia can feel how much Kalinda wants to lie and disappear into the night where nobody can give her baked goods, but somehow that just isn’t working for her.
“Fine. But if you start singing at any point, I’m walking out and leaving you to pay the tab.”
“Ooh, now there’s an idea,” Alicia mocks, laughing and feeling pretty good as a result. “I’ll see you after work.”
*
Drinks lead to dinner (Alicia’s starving, she worked through lunch) and somehow when they fall into a cab just after eleven, hers is the only address she slurs at the driver.
Kalinda follows her into the apartment like it’s her first time there--as though she hasn’t spent a full day lounging on Alicia’s bed, or drunk wine sitting on the living room sofa.
“I could call another cab,” she offers, when she should be kicking off her boots and relaxing.
“Aren’t you having fun?” Alicia pouts, surprised that she’s not ready to crash yet, herself.
“Yeah,” Kalinda says, and whether it’s the lateness or the tequila or that some moon is in Saturn, she smiles so genuinely that it takes Alicia’s breath away. “I am,” Kalinda continues, and Alicia blinks about a hundred times trying to recover her train of thought.
“I have one last surprise,” Alicia warns, before producing another white box. “It felt silly to just buy one, so you can have another cupcake. And so can I.”
“What makes you think I ate the first one?” Kalinda challenges, and she looks so much more fragile without the armor of her jacket and dominatrix boots.
“Pfft,” Alicia says, as she pours the freshly-brewed coffee to go with the cakes. It’s probably too late to stave of the hangover, but she’s buzzed enough to know she doesn’t want to drink anymore. “Nobody could resist these cakes. They’re too good.”
“Says the woman who lives on salad and the occasional slice of pizza,” Kalinda accuses, wrapping her fingers around the mug that Alicia offers.
They take up familiar posts in the living room, the apartment no longer feeling as desperately empty as Alicia is used to when the kids aren’t here. She curls here legs under her as the television flickers quietly in the background, and watches Kalinda lazily to make sure that she’s not about to bolt.
“Here,” Alicia thrusts the small plate towards her. “Seriously. Cake.”
“Do you have shares in the bakery or something?” Kalinda grouses, before picking the cake up with a grimace. “Happy now?”
She takes the smallest possible bite from it, looking completely indifferent as she chews and swallows. But somewhere in there Kalinda finally gets what all the fuss is about, and her eyes flutter closed for just a second of sugar-high induced bliss.
“So what now?” Kalinda asks, finishing off the rest of the cake. “Is it time for you to finally tell me about Will and why you guys broke it off?”
“You knew?” Alicia asks.
“I’m Kalinda. Of course I knew. Probably before you did.”
“Fair point.”
Alicia’s about to say that she doesn’t want to talk about it (she honestly doesn’t, not when it feels like failing to not love a man who loves her so much. Or at least, not love him enough.) She might have changed her mind about saying that, but she’s distracted by the sight of vanilla buttercream frosting smeared just above Kalinda’s top lip.
“You have, uh...” Alicia trails off, gesturing towards her own mouth.
“Hmm?” Kalinda asks, looking just a little sleepy now.
“Frosting, on your mouth,” Alicia explains, and she’s smiling again when Kalinda swipes a careless finger over her lips and misses the little streak of vanilla entirely.
“Here,” Alicia says, leaning across the small space that separates them. She doesn’t think twice before reaching out to remove the frosting, but Kalinda freezes as soon as Alicia moves.
“Hey,” Alicia says, letting her hand rest gently on Kalinda’s cheek. “I was just--”
“I don’t...” Kalinda trails off.
And somehow in that moment, as Kalinda rolls her eyes at her frustrating lack of words, Alicia finally sees it. She understands Cary’s hangdog expression, Will’s easy smiles and--maybe--Peter’s additional fall from grace. Kalinda is beautiful, and not just in a ‘I wish my eyeliner would do that’ kind of way.
It’s enough to make Alicia gasp, and worse than that, it makes her lean forward and press the quickest of kisses against Kalinda’s lips.
“Oh,” she says immediately afterwards, sitting back in her own corner of the sofa. “Sorry. I don’t know why I did that.”
But Alicia does know, of course. It’s her inability to let things rest. There’s been this undercurrent with Kalinda, from the start almost, which left Alicia idly wondering for the first time in years if she could be attracted to another woman. Who knew it would take two children, public humiliation and legal separation to answer that question.
“I don’t...” Kalinda tries again, unfolding her legs and standing up. “I don’t want to lose you as a friend?” She says it like a question, almost like she can’t believe she’s saying the words.
Alicia blushes, stares at her lap and feels like a prize idiot. How disrespectful of her, to treat Kalinda as some kind of experiment.
“I’m sorry,” Alicia says again. “I mean, I didn’t even ask if you’re seeing someone. For all I know you’re with Cary, or that woman he’s working with lately.”
“Dana?” Kalinda confirms with a snort. “Yeah, she’s straight too. When did I become catnip to every straight woman in Chicago, hmm?”
Okay, Alicia really can’t help the laugh that bubbles up at that. It’s loud and it makes her chest hurt just a little, the kind of laugh she doesn’t get to experience much anymore.
“I should go,” Kalinda continues, and she’s already three or four steps on her way when Alicia grabs at her arm.
“I really am sorry. If nothing else, it was pretty arrogant to assume you’re attracted to me.” Alicia says, releasing her grip on Kalinda and standing to see her out. “But I understand if you want to leave.”
“It’s probably for the best,” Kalinda agrees, zipping her boots up one by one. Alicia forces herself to look away, because discovering that your only friend is gorgeous is bad enough without staring like a hapless teenager with a crush.
“I know,” Alicia nods, handing over Kalinda’s jacket, enjoying the feel of buttery leather under her fingertips. At some point when Alicia wasn’t paying attention, Kalinda has started treating herself to nicer things.
Kalinda’s halfway out the door, in fact her hand is resting on the handle to pull it closed behind her when she stops and turns back to Alicia.
“And you shouldn’t sell yourself short. This isn’t about how attractive I find you.”
“Really?” Alicia asks, and why not just throw a match in the damn gasoline after someone just gave you every excuse not to.
“Oh for God’s--” Kalinda closes the door, but remains on the same side as Alicia. Those dark eyes scan intently over Alicia’s face, looking for something Alicia wouldn’t begin to know how to identify, and so she just lets herself relax a little, letting her curiosity show.
Whatever she finds, Kalinda accepts. She steps in close to Alicia, sliding small hands across her torso and bunching the silky material of her blouse as she does.
“I’m sure,” Alicia breathes, because Kalinda’s thinking the question loud enough for her to hear. This time, when they kiss, it’s neither quick nor shallow. Kalinda kisses like she’s making a point, and Alicia has never shied away from a challenge like that.
“I’m not staying tonight,” Kalinda says when they breathlessly part, resting her forehead against Alicia’s. “We can do this, but not in one night.”
“So you’re saying we can make out?” Alicia confirms. “I like making out.”
“Me too. Well, sometimes. Like tonight,” Kalinda agrees.
“Are you open to negotiation on second base?” Alicia asks, surprised by her own boldness as she pulls Kalinda closer for another kiss.
“Maybe,” Kalinda says, when Alicia finally releases her. There’s that tentative smile again, Alicia thinks, and the fact that she’s seeing it now is all the testing she needs.
And if everything is about to go wrong? Well, at least she'll be ready.
Pairing: Kalinda/Alicia
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Through 3x11
Disclaimer: Not mine! These belong to the Kings, CBS et al. No profit. No harm, no foul (it's a basketball term, Your Honor)
Prompt: For sweetjamielee's prompt birthday
Dedication: Belated birthday wishes first of all, Jamie! I hope you've had lovely holidays, especially since next year's will be so different! This turned into a bigger story than I thought, but I hope I've done our girls justice!
Alicia knows the theory of leaving well enough alone; hell, she's even forced herself to abide by it more often than not. But there's a part of her, a part that even Owen would deny exists, that can't help but poke and prod at things just to see what will happen next.
She's the one to ask Mom why she and Daddy are fighting all the time, and the answer still haunts Alicia in quiet moments almost thirty years later. She's the one who asks Peter why he's so nervous over dinner the week before graduation, and it makes him fumble the no doubt perfect proposal he had planned.
When she doesn't press, doesn't ask that extra question or look that little bit harder, Alicia gets blindsided. That's why the smell of dry-cleaning chemicals makes her feel sick even now, and why it feels like for everything someone tells her, she searches their face for the something else they haven't said. Maybe it makes her a better lawyer, but she's sure as hell not a happier person.
What it boils down to, quite simply, is this: if the shit is gonna hit the fan anyway, isn't it better to know when to duck?
*
It's not a conscious choice to let Kalinda back into her life, at least not at first. The kindness of Kalinda tracking down Grace affects Alicia far more deeply than she wants it to. From another parent, from a different kind of person it would be a basic kindness; for Kalinda it’s a major lifestyle choice, no matter how well she plays her involvement down.
Somewhere in between being grateful and the disaster of her personal life, Alicia feels the forgiveness start to take root inside her. It’s easy to dismiss at first--tell herself she’s getting soft, that there’s a long way to go. But Kalinda is meeting her eyes again, offering those gentle half-smiles when the occasion allows. Alicia reaches out for everyone who’s pulling away, and finds herself grasping for Kalinda instead. Kalinda, who runs away from everyone and everything, stays put while Alicia works out how to let her back in.
It’s a typical Friday, in that Alicia is too tired to work a minute longer and too wired to even think about an early night. She stops by Kalinda’s office (which is not remotely on her way out) and extends an olive branch as gingerly as though it were coated in explosives.
“I thought maybe we could get a drink?” Alicia says, without waiting for Kalinda to notice her there in the doorway.
“Sure,” Kalinda says in that lightly accented way of hers, without looking up from her phone.
“The usual place?” Alicia dusts off the phrase like it’s been left in storage for decades, but Kalinda simply nods and it sends Alicia scurrying off to the parking lot before she can reconsider.
*
The first test (no prodding this time) is to see if they can make it through the whole evening without mentioning Peter. It’s harder than Alicia would have thought, especially since his involvement with her life is rooted in picking up the kids or returning them. How sad that seventeen years of marriage should boil down to that.
Kalinda orders tequila without asking if Alicia wants anything else, and they knock back the first shot like a starter’s pistol has been fired.
“I guess we have a lot to catch up on,” Alicia suggests.
Kalinda’s snort, falling into an outright laugh, is the best thing she’s heard in weeks.
*
The second test is to address it (because Alicia can’t leave it alone, she has to poke at the scab just a little and see if it’s really healing).
Kalinda looks braced for the question, but Kalinda is always ready for just about anything, so Alicia doesn’t feel too bad about asking.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” She asks, and tonight they’re drinking wine because it’s not a Friday and there are depositions in the morning.
“For what it’s worth,” Kalinda sighs, stroking one finger lazily along the stem of her glass. “It was really hard to keep it from you.”
“Wow, I’m really sorry to hear that,” Alicia deadpans, trying to fight off the rolling wave of hurt.
“No,” Kalinda huffs, clearly uncomfortable. “I mean, it wouldn’t have been hard if it was anyone else. But it mattered that you didn’t get hurt, more than how hard it was not to tell you. Guess I screwed that up.”
“Just a bit,” Alicia admits, but there’s a warmth to her now. “Don’t ever lie to me again.”
“Then I won’t promise,” Kalinda says, staring her down. “But I can tell you that I’ll try.”
And that, Alicia knows, is not a gift that Kalinda offers lightly.
*
Alicia has to fit in shopping on her lunch breaks lately, because Peter is just as busy as she is and she’s happy to take the kids for extra weekends, not least to keep them out of Jackie’s clutches. But it severely limits her chances to shop for Grace’s imminent birthday and while most things are available online, Alicia can’t let it pass without buying at least one thing herself.
Kalinda looks as close as she ever gets to panicked as Alicia drags her (almost bodily) through the department store.
“Haven’t you heard of Amazon?” Kalinda pleads as Alicia picks up item after item. “This is so old-fashioned.”
“I prefer to think of it as traditional,” Alicia smirks, finally making a stop at the jewelry counter. She’s settled now on a ‘grown-up’ necklace, because Grace seems to think that turning fifteen is about the most grown-up anyone will ever be. Alicia smiles at how much her headstrong little girl has to learn.
“You’re buying her a crucifix?” Kalinda asks, drawn in despite herself.
“No, just a plain cross,” Alicia explains, pointing out her choice to the sales assistant. “I think she’ll stop lashing out so much if I at least make an effort with this whole Jesus obsession.”
“If you say so,” Kalinda shrugs, looking not that much older than Grace today. Maybe it’s the way that she’s added a scarf and gloves to her usual leather jacket--a little vulnerability, even to the cold, rubs away some of Kalinda’s ageless, tough facade.
“I do say so,” Alicia says, handing over her card. “Be nice, or I won’t get anything for your birthday.”
“You don’t know when my birthday is,” Kalinda smirks, pleased to have the upper hand again. “Nobody does.”
“You could tell me,” Alicia points out.
“Now, where’s the fun in that?”
*
The third test is the toughest, but Alicia knows that her experiment won’t stand up without it. She has to discuss Kalinda with Peter without losing her cool, without letting it upset the freshly refilled apple cart of her friendship in the process.
And luckily, she now has an excuse.
Nobody at the State’s Attorney’s office bats an eye when she shows up without an appointment--most of the staff remember her more from Peter’s first term than from her run-ins here with Glenn Childs and Cary. She strolls straight through to Peter’s outer office, and when she’s announced he comes out to greet her himself. Sometimes it pays to catch him off-guard.
“There’s something I need your help with,” she says, taking the offered seat in front of his desk. It’s the first time they’ve sat opposite each other like this, in their respective official capacities. Peter steeples his fingers, but there’s still some lingering affection in the way he looks at her. Alicia doesn’t dwell on how much that no longer affects her.
“Fire away,” he offers, ignoring the blinking lights on his phone and the stacks of case files waiting on his desk. He’s always been good at making her think the whole world could be stopped for her.
“It’s a silly thing,” Alicia confesses, smiling even as she thinks of it. “You know Kalinda? Well, yes, of course you do.”
Peter tenses at the mention of her name, his mood shifting to defensive without saying a word.
“No, Peter,” she continues. “I’m not here to...I just need you to find out something for me. You might already know, anyway. I need her date of birth.”
“Isn’t it on file at the firm?” He asks, looking both surprised and vaguely suspicious about how lightly he’s getting off when it comes to this particular topic.
“Let’s just say I would have my doubts about the accuracy,” Alicia doesn’t quite explain.
“Hold on,” he says, flexing his wrists and turning to the computer. It only takes a few clicks and typing a few words before he turns back to her.
“December 28th--”
“I don’t need the year,” she interrupts. “Thank you.”
“Hey, it’s no problem,” he says, and he means it.
“I’ll see you Sunday afternoon?” Alicia confirms, standing to leave.
“You bet,” Peter agrees. “Thanks for the gift suggestions, by the way. This way Grace won’t hate me.”
“Oh Peter,” Alicia laughs. “Grace might do a lot of things, but she’ll never hate you.”
She walks out into the bitter chill of a December afternoon and begins the short walk back to Lockhart Gardner, a plan already forming in her mind.
*
The firm gets much quieter over the holidays. Desks everywhere are unoccupied as people leave the big city to visit family in smaller, unknown places. Alicia’s grateful to have her family close by, but as the kids do the rounds of her relations and Peter’s, she finds herself with not much to do but work in the days that separate Christmas and New Year.
Which makes it particularly easy to be in the office early on the 28th, leaving her carefully selected package on Kalinda’s desk before the early-morning cleaners are even done. (For such a mistrusting person, Kalinda rarely locks her office. Alicia wonders if that’s just because she keeps nothing of value in there, or whether Kalinda’s just not good at owning things.)
It works, anyway. Shortly after nine, Kalinda appears in her doorway, carrying the plain, white cardboard box like it might blow up in her face at any moment.
“Hi, Kalinda,” Alicia says with genuine warmth.
“How did you find out?” Kalinda says, sounding somewhere between impressed and pissed off.
“I have my ways. Happy birthday, by the way,” Alicia adds.
“It’s a cupcake,” Kalinda pronounces the word like it’s in a language she doesn’t understand.
“Yup,” Alicia nods. “Best frosting in the city.”
“This is the big birthday deal I’ve been missing out on?” Kalinda looks genuinely confused.
“No, but everybody needs a little cake in their life. We could have drinks tonight, if you don’t have other plans?”
Alicia can feel how much Kalinda wants to lie and disappear into the night where nobody can give her baked goods, but somehow that just isn’t working for her.
“Fine. But if you start singing at any point, I’m walking out and leaving you to pay the tab.”
“Ooh, now there’s an idea,” Alicia mocks, laughing and feeling pretty good as a result. “I’ll see you after work.”
*
Drinks lead to dinner (Alicia’s starving, she worked through lunch) and somehow when they fall into a cab just after eleven, hers is the only address she slurs at the driver.
Kalinda follows her into the apartment like it’s her first time there--as though she hasn’t spent a full day lounging on Alicia’s bed, or drunk wine sitting on the living room sofa.
“I could call another cab,” she offers, when she should be kicking off her boots and relaxing.
“Aren’t you having fun?” Alicia pouts, surprised that she’s not ready to crash yet, herself.
“Yeah,” Kalinda says, and whether it’s the lateness or the tequila or that some moon is in Saturn, she smiles so genuinely that it takes Alicia’s breath away. “I am,” Kalinda continues, and Alicia blinks about a hundred times trying to recover her train of thought.
“I have one last surprise,” Alicia warns, before producing another white box. “It felt silly to just buy one, so you can have another cupcake. And so can I.”
“What makes you think I ate the first one?” Kalinda challenges, and she looks so much more fragile without the armor of her jacket and dominatrix boots.
“Pfft,” Alicia says, as she pours the freshly-brewed coffee to go with the cakes. It’s probably too late to stave of the hangover, but she’s buzzed enough to know she doesn’t want to drink anymore. “Nobody could resist these cakes. They’re too good.”
“Says the woman who lives on salad and the occasional slice of pizza,” Kalinda accuses, wrapping her fingers around the mug that Alicia offers.
They take up familiar posts in the living room, the apartment no longer feeling as desperately empty as Alicia is used to when the kids aren’t here. She curls here legs under her as the television flickers quietly in the background, and watches Kalinda lazily to make sure that she’s not about to bolt.
“Here,” Alicia thrusts the small plate towards her. “Seriously. Cake.”
“Do you have shares in the bakery or something?” Kalinda grouses, before picking the cake up with a grimace. “Happy now?”
She takes the smallest possible bite from it, looking completely indifferent as she chews and swallows. But somewhere in there Kalinda finally gets what all the fuss is about, and her eyes flutter closed for just a second of sugar-high induced bliss.
“So what now?” Kalinda asks, finishing off the rest of the cake. “Is it time for you to finally tell me about Will and why you guys broke it off?”
“You knew?” Alicia asks.
“I’m Kalinda. Of course I knew. Probably before you did.”
“Fair point.”
Alicia’s about to say that she doesn’t want to talk about it (she honestly doesn’t, not when it feels like failing to not love a man who loves her so much. Or at least, not love him enough.) She might have changed her mind about saying that, but she’s distracted by the sight of vanilla buttercream frosting smeared just above Kalinda’s top lip.
“You have, uh...” Alicia trails off, gesturing towards her own mouth.
“Hmm?” Kalinda asks, looking just a little sleepy now.
“Frosting, on your mouth,” Alicia explains, and she’s smiling again when Kalinda swipes a careless finger over her lips and misses the little streak of vanilla entirely.
“Here,” Alicia says, leaning across the small space that separates them. She doesn’t think twice before reaching out to remove the frosting, but Kalinda freezes as soon as Alicia moves.
“Hey,” Alicia says, letting her hand rest gently on Kalinda’s cheek. “I was just--”
“I don’t...” Kalinda trails off.
And somehow in that moment, as Kalinda rolls her eyes at her frustrating lack of words, Alicia finally sees it. She understands Cary’s hangdog expression, Will’s easy smiles and--maybe--Peter’s additional fall from grace. Kalinda is beautiful, and not just in a ‘I wish my eyeliner would do that’ kind of way.
It’s enough to make Alicia gasp, and worse than that, it makes her lean forward and press the quickest of kisses against Kalinda’s lips.
“Oh,” she says immediately afterwards, sitting back in her own corner of the sofa. “Sorry. I don’t know why I did that.”
But Alicia does know, of course. It’s her inability to let things rest. There’s been this undercurrent with Kalinda, from the start almost, which left Alicia idly wondering for the first time in years if she could be attracted to another woman. Who knew it would take two children, public humiliation and legal separation to answer that question.
“I don’t...” Kalinda tries again, unfolding her legs and standing up. “I don’t want to lose you as a friend?” She says it like a question, almost like she can’t believe she’s saying the words.
Alicia blushes, stares at her lap and feels like a prize idiot. How disrespectful of her, to treat Kalinda as some kind of experiment.
“I’m sorry,” Alicia says again. “I mean, I didn’t even ask if you’re seeing someone. For all I know you’re with Cary, or that woman he’s working with lately.”
“Dana?” Kalinda confirms with a snort. “Yeah, she’s straight too. When did I become catnip to every straight woman in Chicago, hmm?”
Okay, Alicia really can’t help the laugh that bubbles up at that. It’s loud and it makes her chest hurt just a little, the kind of laugh she doesn’t get to experience much anymore.
“I should go,” Kalinda continues, and she’s already three or four steps on her way when Alicia grabs at her arm.
“I really am sorry. If nothing else, it was pretty arrogant to assume you’re attracted to me.” Alicia says, releasing her grip on Kalinda and standing to see her out. “But I understand if you want to leave.”
“It’s probably for the best,” Kalinda agrees, zipping her boots up one by one. Alicia forces herself to look away, because discovering that your only friend is gorgeous is bad enough without staring like a hapless teenager with a crush.
“I know,” Alicia nods, handing over Kalinda’s jacket, enjoying the feel of buttery leather under her fingertips. At some point when Alicia wasn’t paying attention, Kalinda has started treating herself to nicer things.
Kalinda’s halfway out the door, in fact her hand is resting on the handle to pull it closed behind her when she stops and turns back to Alicia.
“And you shouldn’t sell yourself short. This isn’t about how attractive I find you.”
“Really?” Alicia asks, and why not just throw a match in the damn gasoline after someone just gave you every excuse not to.
“Oh for God’s--” Kalinda closes the door, but remains on the same side as Alicia. Those dark eyes scan intently over Alicia’s face, looking for something Alicia wouldn’t begin to know how to identify, and so she just lets herself relax a little, letting her curiosity show.
Whatever she finds, Kalinda accepts. She steps in close to Alicia, sliding small hands across her torso and bunching the silky material of her blouse as she does.
“I’m sure,” Alicia breathes, because Kalinda’s thinking the question loud enough for her to hear. This time, when they kiss, it’s neither quick nor shallow. Kalinda kisses like she’s making a point, and Alicia has never shied away from a challenge like that.
“I’m not staying tonight,” Kalinda says when they breathlessly part, resting her forehead against Alicia’s. “We can do this, but not in one night.”
“So you’re saying we can make out?” Alicia confirms. “I like making out.”
“Me too. Well, sometimes. Like tonight,” Kalinda agrees.
“Are you open to negotiation on second base?” Alicia asks, surprised by her own boldness as she pulls Kalinda closer for another kiss.
“Maybe,” Kalinda says, when Alicia finally releases her. There’s that tentative smile again, Alicia thinks, and the fact that she’s seeing it now is all the testing she needs.
And if everything is about to go wrong? Well, at least she'll be ready.