Voting Post: cat_mcdougall

[sanguinity]

Mod Note: This is the voting post for the application by cat_mcdougall, which appears in the previous post.

Title: Knights of Orion
Status: Applicant
Summary: Kidnapped by black ops, she defends her daughter. (Note: Part of a much larger piece.)
Genre: Science fiction/Alternate Earth
Word count: @1260

Comments

[nicked_metal]

I thought that the idea was to get the applicant to make the voting post so that they'd get the comment notifications. Then again, that takes forever to arrange. This works. Should I still be thinking out loud?

Carrie sighed, sitting up. She swallowed against the pain of ruined back muscles protesting her movement. The next swallow fought back the rising panic of knowing that she was trapped, with her youngest daughter, without knowing if her other children were alive, or dead. Without knowing if her husband, her brother, or any of the others that had been at the party lived or died.

Too much too soon. I don't care if Carrie lives or dies yet, and now I'm being asked to care about her family as well? Also, too many characters too soon. Bigger != Better.

The closing clang of the door made her whimper. They'd taken her daughter.

Oho! Something happens! The story has begun! But the sample has ended :(

The key problem here is of 'not managing the audience'. You (cat) know all about Carrie, and you want to share her with us. But that's not what I want, I want something interesting to distract me from all those Things I Really Should Be Doing. If Carrie is interesting, then I'll want to know about her, but you've told me all about her before I'm interested, which means that finding out about her is boring, it's too easy.

Tease a little. Withold information. Make me want to know, and then tell me just enough that I trust you'll tell me eventually, but not enough so that I feel like I know everything, and can safely put your story down.

But at this stage, no - command of the language is not enough.

[cat_mcdougall]

Technical note:

At the top of the post, there's a thumb tack near where the 'edit post' button would be. If you click that, on any post, you receive a comment alert, just like you would if you're the OP.

So, yes, I'm receiving comments, don't worry.

Have a nice day.

[nicked_metal]

Well spoken in the face of criticism that was probably difficult to hear. Thanks for letting me know. On a related note, I admire you for seeking out the baptism of fire that is the fictionslamming application process and responding to it bravely.

[cat_mcdougall]

Actually, having worked with a couple of professional editors in my time, the criticism isn't that harsh. I've seen, and had much worse directed at my work before. (Not this particular piece, but several others, obviously.)

I find it ego-humbling, in a way.

[nicked_metal]

Ahhh, you'd learned to take criticism somewhere else before you came here. And yeah, re-reading what I had to say, I wasn't as mean as I'd imagined myself to be. But even so, we do occasionally get the ultra-fragile egos coming here. I'm pleased you're not one of them.

[somerled]

I thought so too, but apparently this way works, too.

As for the story, I agree with nicked_metal. Cat, you should always be aware of what your readers at any time care about, and lever that.