Reality and Feelings (Sawyer/Kate)
Title: Reality and Feelings
Dated from: 2009
Rating: PG
Pairing: Sawyer/Kate - with a little bit of Sawyer/Juliet and Jack/Kate
Spoilers: Up until 5.08
Summary: “It’s not as easy as it once was, to live a life of lies. But he’s good at it still and he knows it’s something he has to do to survive. (…) A year goes by and no one comes, and he’s still James LaFleur, captain of a wrecked ship…”
Author's Note: I have to confess that I never imagined I would write one Lost fic - and I’m on number 06 already! I would blame it on Polly, but she would thank me, so I won’t! Anyway, this one came to me after the last episode and it was all about Sawyer - until Kate decided to join. So it’s a lot different than I thought it would be, and I hope you’ll like. Italics are from Lost episodes and in italics and bold is The Hush Sound’s Hurricane - the song that made me write this thing. I would like to remember, again, that English is not my first language, so I’m sorry if you find some mistakes in there.
Reality and Feelings
SAWYER
It’s not as easy as it once was, to live a life of lies. But he’s good at it still and he knows it’s something he has to do to survive. He tells himself it’s only for a couple of weeks, then Locke will be back and things will change again. But two weeks turn into a month, and then two, three, four months… A year goes by and no one comes, and he’s still James LaFleur, captain of a wrecked ship…
His relationship with Juliet evolves so naturally, they can’t even say when their feelings changed into something else. He goes to live with her, he says, because he doesn’t want to live with anyone else; but the truth is that he doesn’t like the idea of her living alone in this place where they don’t really know anyone. He sleeps on the couch and Juliet makes him do the dishes after dinner every time, while telling her about this day. One night, they’re talking and suddenly they’re kissing and it’s the last time he spends the night on the couch.
They don’t talk about it, there’s no need to analyze what has changed and that’s the fun in the relationship: it’s so much easier than everything else they’ve once lived. Of course, the fact that they’re a couple doesn’t change the fact that he’s still looking for them, every single day. If Juliet knows, she doesn’t talk about it, and life goes on as normal as it can be for a group of people living in a time that isn’t their own.
His nights with Juliet are nice and warm and full of smiles. Every once in a while, though, he longs for those nights of passion from that love that couldn’t be measured. Sleepless nights come and go, and he spends them sitting outside, with a book on his hand, pretending to read. He tells himself, over and over again, that a couple of confusing months can’t be compared to years of companionship, laughter and reality, but there’s a part of him that can’t be fooled.
When Juliet says “I love you” for the first time, they’re lying in bed and his heart skips a beat, for all the wrong reasons. His eyes are closed and he opens it quickly, because he knows what will come if he keeps them closed. He smiles - a small, crooked smile - and when he says the words back, in a whisper, he really means them. Maybe not in the way he’s supposed to, but he loves her.
When he finally closes his eyes again, there’s the flash of a face he can never let go. And there’s pain, somehow.
KATE
Her life is full of ups and downs, and everything is so weird and different, that she just doesn’t care anymore. She does her best, with the strength that she knows she has, but there’s always the feeling that it isn’t enough. That she isn’t good enough for Aaron, that she isn’t good enough for Jack, that she’s simply not enough. It’s been awhile since the last time she felt she deserved something. Actually, it’s been a while since the last time she felt something…
She gets used to it. The numbness is part of who she is now, and she can’t see herself living without it. The only real feelings she has are the ones about Aaron, nothing else. So she throws herself at Jack, stupidly and over and over again, hoping to feel it again. To feel the rush, the warmth; she just wants to feel alive again, but she just ends up feeling every time more empty. And numb, always.
When the talk about going back starts, she doesn’t want to hear it. She may not be 100% happy with her life, but she can’t go back to the way it was on the Island. It’s not fair, she thinks, not after everything that happened. She’s still haunted by the look on the face of the one who had sacrificed everything for her. How can she go back after that?
Locke looks at her and says that he’s alive and in danger and, again, all she can ask is how is that a reason for her to go back? Sawyer had loved her to the point of being in danger for saving her. What if she goes back and is in danger too? How would he feel about it? Can she jeopardize the life she created because of him, to save him?
At the same thing, she wonders, doesn’t she love him in the same way? He sacrificed once, so it’s only fair that she’ll do the same! It’s confusing, and it hurts and brings back a lot of memories she wants to leave behind. But once the thoughts appear, they don’t go away, and she has to choose, she has to make a decision.
What changes her mind is not more important than the fact that it is changed and she is going back. At whatever cost…
The decision to let Aaron behind is hard and not really hers, so she doesn’t want to talk about it. And she can’t help but notice how easy it is for Jack to forget it - she still wonders if he cares about the boy as much as he says he does. But there’s no other way; to explain to Jack where Aaron is would mean open a can of worms and, once again, feel the rush of pain and regret. And she likes the numbness she lives in…
SAWYER
Jin asks about his feelings once, wondering how could he let himself behind so easily and start again, but the look on his face is so raw and sad, that the answer is not really important anymore. The truth is that he’s already used to his new identity, he likes the quiet evenings and the nice laughs he shares with Juliet, but only because he doesn’t think about his past. The only way to make the present real is to forget about everything he lived. And he does that. At least, he tries to…
There are bumps on the way, of course. Every time he has to go to the other island, to check on whatever safety issue they have there, he hesitates. Those are his sleepless nights, the ones he spends outside, pretending to read. When he passes by the cages, he can’t help but be back to other times. He hears voices and feels touches that he can never really forget, and it takes him back.
“You taste like strawberries”
“I love him!! I love him!! Please”
“'Cause I wanted you to believe we had a damn chance.”
“Don't you think about it, Sawyer, you fight! No! Sawyer, NO!!”
Gladly, Juliet doesn’t try to take him out of those moods, when they happen. She leaves him be and the thinks about thanking her later, but he never does. He’s afraid she’ll ask about it and he won’t be able to answer her. She may not be the main one in his thoughts, but he won’t hurt her like that. So it’s like an agreement between them, it happens and no one talks about it. And so their life works, better each day.
When Amy has her baby and Horace talks about getting over a loved one, he has to lie and it hurts more than he thought he could. He talks about “this girl he had a thing for once” and explains how he can barely remember her face, when the truth is that he’s seeing her, every little detail of her and when he leaves the house, he almost expects her to be waiting for him outside, not Juliet… But he couldn’t say anything else and, he figures, LaFleur could be talking about someone else, right?
That night, when he pulls Juliet into his arms, his feelings are much more messed up than they were before…
KATE
She hates the longing looks and warm smiles Jack gives her at the airport, but she knows she can’t blame him. She had been the one showing up out of nowhere - if she didn’t felt what she expected to feel, it’s not really his fault. The only way for her to feel like he was feeling, was if he was someone else. And the idea of seeing that someone else again, is the only thing that makes her going.
She sits by the window, looking outside to try to stay focused. She knows she probably won’t see anything, but she likes the idea of trying to. She can’t think about the life she left behind, she has to remember why she’s going back. For him.
“I've been with girls like you”
“You can play games all you want, but I know there's a human being in there somewhere”
“Just do it, Freckles”
“I made him a promise”
She hates to think that the time they spent apart is much longer than the time they spent together because she’s afraid she imagined it all. So while they’re flying, she’s remembering every little detail - the good, the best, everything. She never really let him go, but she had kept him hidden from everything and everyone else. Now, as she’s facing the idea of seeing him again, she’s doing her best to bring everything back…
When the turbulence starts, she closes her eyes and sighs deeply, waiting for whatever it will come next. And when she wakes up on the same waterfall she once shared with him and she can’t help but think that someone is playing a huge trick with her. She really wants to scream she gets it, she always did, and she just needed the time apart to understand how much he meant to her. She can only hope she has the time to tell him that…
SAWYER
He can’t talk to Juliet, because he can’t see anything on her face right now. When Jin says the words and he jumps out of bed, he’s suddenly not LaFleur anymore - he’s Sawyer and he has to be fast and get there, to be sure he’s not dreaming again. And Sawyer has feelings that he doesn’t share with Juliet, that’s why he barely hesitates.
KATE
To see Jin, wearing a Dharma outfit and driving a Dharma van, was crazy enough, but then he explains that Sawyer is the one calling the shots and she can’t help but smirk a little, wondering what’s going in Jack’s head about it. Jin says a couple of words on this old looking phone and puts them all in the van. Sawyer is meeting them somewhere. Sawyer…
“You're the finest thing that I've done,
The hurricane I'll never outrun”
For someone who had just said he doesn’t remember her, he’s clearly too eager to see the people that Jin has just found. Hurley and Jack are there; somehow he knows it, but he doesn’t care. She’s the last one to leave the van and he’s gone the minute he sees her. Same eyes, same hair, same freckles. She’s not a ghost, she’s not a vision, she’s real. And so are his feelings…
“I could wait around for the dust to still,
but I don't believe that it ever will…”
It’s cheesy and she’ll never admit it, but her heart beats faster and faster as she feels they’re coming closer to him. She’s quiet and looking outside, trying to imagine if he’s changed, if he’s like she remembers, if he’s really there. And then she sees her, before he sees her, and she sighs audibly, not really caring if the others will hear her. He’s the same, but so different from the one she’s been living it for the past three years… He’s real. And so are her feelings…
THE END