semby
in
ficofsemby
Moving On
Title: Moving On
Pairing: Xander/Other, Giles/Xander friendship, references to Xander/Anya.
Category: POV, some angst
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters; not making any profits.
Summary: Two years post-Chosen, Xander turns to Giles for guidance.
Thanks to: My beta-reader, garnigal. All remaining mistakes are mine.
I noticed Giles smile to himself as he watched Lara and I interact over dinner. They seemed to be getting along as well, which gave me confidence that I made the right choice when I brought her here.
I’d asked Lara to marry me a month earlier, and since then we’d been doing a lot of traveling around, meeting each other’s families. Or in my case, my ‘family.’ Giles sounded surprised to hear from me when I called to let him know we’d be visiting England for a week or so and were hoping we could stay with him. It had been awhile since we’d last spoken, but he readily offered up his guest room.
We arrived late in the afternoon and settled down for an early dinner - Giles insisted we’d want to go to bed early due to the jet lag.
The dinner was winding down and after Giles refused to let Lara do the dishes, she excused herself with, “Well, then. I’m going to head back to our room and read until I fall asleep - leave you men to catch up over a beer or something.” She gave me a quick kiss and Giles a bright smile before leaving the dining room. I watched her go, unable to keep the goofy smile off my face.
Giles turned to me the moment she left. “She’s lovely.”
“Yeah, she really is,” I replied, still grinning. A nagging feeling clawed inside my head, however, and my smile faded slightly. I couldn’t help but ask hesitantly, “What else do you think of her?”
Giles looked confused by that question, but offered the answer, “She has a smart wit, and seems like she handles you better than most women would.”
That wasn’t the answer I was looking for. It wasn’t enough. I couldn’t explain it, but something was bothering me. I suddenly felt fidgety and restless, and jumped up from my seat. I started pacing and pressed further, “Better how? Do you think she’ll make a good wife? Or a good mother? Do you think she dresses well? What do you think of the way she pronounces the word-”
“Xander! Stop.” Giles cut me off, sounding surprised by my urgency and ramblings. “Please sit back down.” I hesitated a moment, but his facial expression told me that he wouldn’t carry the conversation further until I did as he said and sat. I took my place in my chair again, though I was still fidgeting. Giles continued, sounding somewhat concerned, “She seems wonderful. Why are you asking so many questions?”
I opened and closed my mouth for a moment, not completely sure of what my concerns were. I just knew I had to hear from Giles that I was making the right choice. I eventually shrugged and said, “I guess I just really want to make sure you like her, and know why.”
“I already said I do,” he replied pointedly. He wasn’t getting it.
“Yeah, but anyone can just say they like someone. People do that all the time just to be nice. I want you to be honest with me. I have to know what you really think of her.” I was beginning to feel more frustrated. Didn’t he understand how important his honesty was to me?
“Why?” he asked, frowning. “Xander, I truly do think she’s a delightful girl, but my opinion is not the one that matters. You love her, and Willow and Buffy both called me after they met her and said they thought she was terrific. It’s not as if you need my approval to marry her.”
“Yes, I do!” I responded quickly, without thinking.
Giles looked taken aback by my outburst. “No, you don’t. You loving her is enough. I know you and the others have a habit of turning to me as the elder for advice, but I don’t carry any great authority. I would have thought by now you’d have realized that with age does not necessarily bring wisdom in all matters of life,” he reasoned.
“Yeah, I know. I know you’re not…” I stopped, not totally sure of what I wanted to say. Actually, I knew exactly what I wanted to say, but not how to express it. I continued to stumble over the words, “But you’re… you know. You’re like-”
Giles was looking at me curiously, obviously not getting what I was trying to express so inarticulately. I gave up with a sigh and a shrug. There was no point in beating around the bush here; if I wanted him to be honest with me I had to be honest with him and myself about why it was so important first. “Did you know it’s been more than two years since I’ve even spoken to my parents? They took off with the rest of the town when the First was around, and I didn’t even know until I got a message on my machine telling me they’d got out all right. They said they were in a motel and would let me know when they got a more permanent phone number and address. They never got back to me. They didn’t even leave the number of the motel.”
“I’m sorry, Xander,” he looks at me sympathetically without it seeming like pity. “I didn’t know. You never said anything.”
“You’ve always been more of a parent than they ever were - for all of us,” I said pointedly, finally saying it directly. Giles looked as if he was going to argue, but I lifted my hand and stopped him with, “No. You know it’s true. Buffy wasn’t the only one who needed you that way. Willow’s parents were always pretty absent too. You were the only one we could count on. For a while there back in high school, your word was gospel to me, as hard a time as I gave you. I know I’ve grown up, and I know you don’t know everything and you make mistakes about as often as the rest of us, but your opinion still means a lot to me. I need to know what you honestly think of Lara. If I’m going to marry her, I need your blessing.”
Giles seemed to be digesting this for a moment. I knew he wasn’t surprised to be told, as the elder of the group, that we all saw him as a dad. We’d told him as much before, but I think it was always a position of authority that he accepted reluctantly. It made sense; parenting this crazy bunch was no easy task, and it was probably hard to accept the emotional connection as well, worrying that any day one of us could get killed. But, willingly or not, that’s what he was to us. He had to expect this, and it was certain that one day Buffy would show up at his door, desperate for him to support her decision to marry a man he was bound to hate, and Willow would turn up for the same reason with the man or woman of her dreams. I was just the first of what would become a common practice. He seemed to come to some conclusion in his thought process, and he nodded.
He met my gaze meaningfully and stated, “Xander. I think you’ve made a fine choice for a wife, and I think you’re both equally lucky to have found each other. You have my sincerest blessings.”
Well, that was what I wanted. Still, I wasn’t convinced. It wasn’t enough. I hesitated.
“Xander, really,” he continued, obviously noticing my uncertainty. “I could list off her good qualities that I’ve noticed, but I only met her a few hours ago and I’m sure you already have thousands of things you love about her.”
I couldn’t help but smile, thinking of these thousands, millions of things. I felt a sudden rush of love for her, and I was noticing that most of the things I loved about her were the most mundane, everyday things - things that would make living the rest of my everydays worth it. I found myself rambling about her out loud. “Yeah, I do. She always reads the comics page of the newspaper first. She once went to Belgium just for the hell of it. She likes to paint her toes a different color each. She gives good back rubs. She makes me laugh.”
“And from what I saw over dinner, she likes to laugh both with you and at you as much as the rest of us,” Giles interrupted jokingly, not missing an opportunity to mock me. “You see? You already know why you should marry her. She seems like a very good woman, with a good head on her shoulders. She can keep you in line.”
“Yeah. She’s fun, but also smart and responsible.” My mood suddenly changed, the other thing that had been bothering me coming back. “She’s not like anyone I’ve ever dated before.”
Giles seemed to notice my change in mood, and stayed quiet until I added quietly what had really been bothering me since I met her. “She’s nothing like Anya.”
Giles shook his head. “No, she’s not as… eccentric.”
“Diplomatic choice of words there,” I chuckled, before returning to my sober expression. “But you’re right. Lara thinks before she speaks, she doesn’t have any absurd obsession with money, she loves bunnies…”
I found my voice suddenly catching and I broke off, leaning forward to rest my head in my hands, trying to get a hold of myself and choke back my tears before I looked back up at him and continued, “It’s only been two years since she died. How could I have moved on so soon? I thought she was the love of my life.”
Giles questioned gently, “Do you still grieve her?”
I sighed. “Not as much as I should. Sometimes I’ll just be going about my day and she’ll suddenly pop into my head and I’ll realize I haven’t thought of her in days. I wish we’d been able to give her a grave. If I’d had a marker to visit, I’m sure I’d still be going back all the time and I’d keep remembering her. Missing her, even as much as I have, wasn’t enough to stop me from falling in love again. If she’s looking down on me, I bet she’s pissed.”
He moved forward, resting a hand firmly on my shoulder, saying resolutely, “Xander, you have every right to move on with your life. If you were to let your grief stop you from living, you’d never find happiness. You haven’t done wrong to find it so soon; you’ve been blessed.”
“I’ve betrayed her.” I admitted my greatest fear openly. I’d vowed to keep her in my heart forever and never forget her, and here I was replacing her before I’d even reached my late twenties.
“No. The very fact that you feel that way means that you haven’t. It proves you’re still thinking of her - she’s still in your heart. I’m sure she’d be pleased to be remembered, but also pleased to know that you had found someone who you love and who obviously loves you back.”
“Giles, really. Do you remember Anya at all? She wasn’t the most understanding when it came to me and other women.”
“Well… that’s partially true. But she’s in a more… enlightened place now, I’d presume. And she’s aware that she can no longer be in your life. She wouldn’t want you to be alone forever, Xander.”
“Forever, maybe not. But how about ten years? Or even five? It’s only been two. Why am I in such a rush to move on?” I argued, my guilt palpable. I wanted him to tell me I was scum. I craved it.
Giles read my face for a moment, and I could tell I was wearing my heart on my sleeve, my every fear and reason for hating myself open for him to see. I still didn’t see pity in his eyes. Or loathing. “Because you fell in love,” he said plainly. “It’s as simple as that. We don’t all get a second or third chance at true love, Xander. Don’t devalue yours because of your misguided guilt, or some mistaken belief that you don’t deserve it. You haven’t done everything right in your life, but you’ve done a lot of good, and you’ve already endured your fair share of hardships. You’ve got an amazing future ahead of you with a fantastic woman who loves you. I don’t imagine you’ll ever get over what happened with Anya, nor should you, but that doesn’t mean you haven’t earned this. You have, and I wish you nothing but the happiest of futures.”
I couldn’t speak. It was the best praise he’d ever given me, and the reassurance I needed that it was all right to heal and give all of myself to the relationship with the woman I loved.
He smiled and gave me a pat on the back. “Now, if we’re done with our little manly chat, I think there’s a young woman waiting for you in my guest room.”
I nodded, still unable to find words, and afraid that if I did I’d cry anyway. I began to head to the room, but as I reached the door, I changed my mind and headed back over to him and gave him a bear hug.
“Thanks, old man.” I found my voice, and he became the silent one as he merely nodded and made a motion for me to get out and leave him to tidy up.
I entered the room to find Lara asleep with her book fallen carelessly to the side. I quietly put it over on the bedside table and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead. She woke up at my touch and smiled. “Hey there, stud, you’re looking all choked up. Guy talk get too emotional for you?” I stuck my tongue out at her. She sounded teasing, but I could see a glimmer of concern behind her eyes. “Seriously, though. You okay?”
I looked at her hand resting on my arm and stroked her fingers gently, musing about how much I loved this hand and the person attached to it. “Yeah,” I said, meeting her eyes again. “I’m okay. I’m going to be fine.”
Originally posted here on March 28, 2005
(Darn, I'd been so good about posting these in the actual order that they were posted, but just noticed I missed a few! I'm neurotically concerned about stuff like that.)
Pairing: Xander/Other, Giles/Xander friendship, references to Xander/Anya.
Category: POV, some angst
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters; not making any profits.
Summary: Two years post-Chosen, Xander turns to Giles for guidance.
Thanks to: My beta-reader, garnigal. All remaining mistakes are mine.
I noticed Giles smile to himself as he watched Lara and I interact over dinner. They seemed to be getting along as well, which gave me confidence that I made the right choice when I brought her here.
I’d asked Lara to marry me a month earlier, and since then we’d been doing a lot of traveling around, meeting each other’s families. Or in my case, my ‘family.’ Giles sounded surprised to hear from me when I called to let him know we’d be visiting England for a week or so and were hoping we could stay with him. It had been awhile since we’d last spoken, but he readily offered up his guest room.
We arrived late in the afternoon and settled down for an early dinner - Giles insisted we’d want to go to bed early due to the jet lag.
The dinner was winding down and after Giles refused to let Lara do the dishes, she excused herself with, “Well, then. I’m going to head back to our room and read until I fall asleep - leave you men to catch up over a beer or something.” She gave me a quick kiss and Giles a bright smile before leaving the dining room. I watched her go, unable to keep the goofy smile off my face.
Giles turned to me the moment she left. “She’s lovely.”
“Yeah, she really is,” I replied, still grinning. A nagging feeling clawed inside my head, however, and my smile faded slightly. I couldn’t help but ask hesitantly, “What else do you think of her?”
Giles looked confused by that question, but offered the answer, “She has a smart wit, and seems like she handles you better than most women would.”
That wasn’t the answer I was looking for. It wasn’t enough. I couldn’t explain it, but something was bothering me. I suddenly felt fidgety and restless, and jumped up from my seat. I started pacing and pressed further, “Better how? Do you think she’ll make a good wife? Or a good mother? Do you think she dresses well? What do you think of the way she pronounces the word-”
“Xander! Stop.” Giles cut me off, sounding surprised by my urgency and ramblings. “Please sit back down.” I hesitated a moment, but his facial expression told me that he wouldn’t carry the conversation further until I did as he said and sat. I took my place in my chair again, though I was still fidgeting. Giles continued, sounding somewhat concerned, “She seems wonderful. Why are you asking so many questions?”
I opened and closed my mouth for a moment, not completely sure of what my concerns were. I just knew I had to hear from Giles that I was making the right choice. I eventually shrugged and said, “I guess I just really want to make sure you like her, and know why.”
“I already said I do,” he replied pointedly. He wasn’t getting it.
“Yeah, but anyone can just say they like someone. People do that all the time just to be nice. I want you to be honest with me. I have to know what you really think of her.” I was beginning to feel more frustrated. Didn’t he understand how important his honesty was to me?
“Why?” he asked, frowning. “Xander, I truly do think she’s a delightful girl, but my opinion is not the one that matters. You love her, and Willow and Buffy both called me after they met her and said they thought she was terrific. It’s not as if you need my approval to marry her.”
“Yes, I do!” I responded quickly, without thinking.
Giles looked taken aback by my outburst. “No, you don’t. You loving her is enough. I know you and the others have a habit of turning to me as the elder for advice, but I don’t carry any great authority. I would have thought by now you’d have realized that with age does not necessarily bring wisdom in all matters of life,” he reasoned.
“Yeah, I know. I know you’re not…” I stopped, not totally sure of what I wanted to say. Actually, I knew exactly what I wanted to say, but not how to express it. I continued to stumble over the words, “But you’re… you know. You’re like-”
Giles was looking at me curiously, obviously not getting what I was trying to express so inarticulately. I gave up with a sigh and a shrug. There was no point in beating around the bush here; if I wanted him to be honest with me I had to be honest with him and myself about why it was so important first. “Did you know it’s been more than two years since I’ve even spoken to my parents? They took off with the rest of the town when the First was around, and I didn’t even know until I got a message on my machine telling me they’d got out all right. They said they were in a motel and would let me know when they got a more permanent phone number and address. They never got back to me. They didn’t even leave the number of the motel.”
“I’m sorry, Xander,” he looks at me sympathetically without it seeming like pity. “I didn’t know. You never said anything.”
“You’ve always been more of a parent than they ever were - for all of us,” I said pointedly, finally saying it directly. Giles looked as if he was going to argue, but I lifted my hand and stopped him with, “No. You know it’s true. Buffy wasn’t the only one who needed you that way. Willow’s parents were always pretty absent too. You were the only one we could count on. For a while there back in high school, your word was gospel to me, as hard a time as I gave you. I know I’ve grown up, and I know you don’t know everything and you make mistakes about as often as the rest of us, but your opinion still means a lot to me. I need to know what you honestly think of Lara. If I’m going to marry her, I need your blessing.”
Giles seemed to be digesting this for a moment. I knew he wasn’t surprised to be told, as the elder of the group, that we all saw him as a dad. We’d told him as much before, but I think it was always a position of authority that he accepted reluctantly. It made sense; parenting this crazy bunch was no easy task, and it was probably hard to accept the emotional connection as well, worrying that any day one of us could get killed. But, willingly or not, that’s what he was to us. He had to expect this, and it was certain that one day Buffy would show up at his door, desperate for him to support her decision to marry a man he was bound to hate, and Willow would turn up for the same reason with the man or woman of her dreams. I was just the first of what would become a common practice. He seemed to come to some conclusion in his thought process, and he nodded.
He met my gaze meaningfully and stated, “Xander. I think you’ve made a fine choice for a wife, and I think you’re both equally lucky to have found each other. You have my sincerest blessings.”
Well, that was what I wanted. Still, I wasn’t convinced. It wasn’t enough. I hesitated.
“Xander, really,” he continued, obviously noticing my uncertainty. “I could list off her good qualities that I’ve noticed, but I only met her a few hours ago and I’m sure you already have thousands of things you love about her.”
I couldn’t help but smile, thinking of these thousands, millions of things. I felt a sudden rush of love for her, and I was noticing that most of the things I loved about her were the most mundane, everyday things - things that would make living the rest of my everydays worth it. I found myself rambling about her out loud. “Yeah, I do. She always reads the comics page of the newspaper first. She once went to Belgium just for the hell of it. She likes to paint her toes a different color each. She gives good back rubs. She makes me laugh.”
“And from what I saw over dinner, she likes to laugh both with you and at you as much as the rest of us,” Giles interrupted jokingly, not missing an opportunity to mock me. “You see? You already know why you should marry her. She seems like a very good woman, with a good head on her shoulders. She can keep you in line.”
“Yeah. She’s fun, but also smart and responsible.” My mood suddenly changed, the other thing that had been bothering me coming back. “She’s not like anyone I’ve ever dated before.”
Giles seemed to notice my change in mood, and stayed quiet until I added quietly what had really been bothering me since I met her. “She’s nothing like Anya.”
Giles shook his head. “No, she’s not as… eccentric.”
“Diplomatic choice of words there,” I chuckled, before returning to my sober expression. “But you’re right. Lara thinks before she speaks, she doesn’t have any absurd obsession with money, she loves bunnies…”
I found my voice suddenly catching and I broke off, leaning forward to rest my head in my hands, trying to get a hold of myself and choke back my tears before I looked back up at him and continued, “It’s only been two years since she died. How could I have moved on so soon? I thought she was the love of my life.”
Giles questioned gently, “Do you still grieve her?”
I sighed. “Not as much as I should. Sometimes I’ll just be going about my day and she’ll suddenly pop into my head and I’ll realize I haven’t thought of her in days. I wish we’d been able to give her a grave. If I’d had a marker to visit, I’m sure I’d still be going back all the time and I’d keep remembering her. Missing her, even as much as I have, wasn’t enough to stop me from falling in love again. If she’s looking down on me, I bet she’s pissed.”
He moved forward, resting a hand firmly on my shoulder, saying resolutely, “Xander, you have every right to move on with your life. If you were to let your grief stop you from living, you’d never find happiness. You haven’t done wrong to find it so soon; you’ve been blessed.”
“I’ve betrayed her.” I admitted my greatest fear openly. I’d vowed to keep her in my heart forever and never forget her, and here I was replacing her before I’d even reached my late twenties.
“No. The very fact that you feel that way means that you haven’t. It proves you’re still thinking of her - she’s still in your heart. I’m sure she’d be pleased to be remembered, but also pleased to know that you had found someone who you love and who obviously loves you back.”
“Giles, really. Do you remember Anya at all? She wasn’t the most understanding when it came to me and other women.”
“Well… that’s partially true. But she’s in a more… enlightened place now, I’d presume. And she’s aware that she can no longer be in your life. She wouldn’t want you to be alone forever, Xander.”
“Forever, maybe not. But how about ten years? Or even five? It’s only been two. Why am I in such a rush to move on?” I argued, my guilt palpable. I wanted him to tell me I was scum. I craved it.
Giles read my face for a moment, and I could tell I was wearing my heart on my sleeve, my every fear and reason for hating myself open for him to see. I still didn’t see pity in his eyes. Or loathing. “Because you fell in love,” he said plainly. “It’s as simple as that. We don’t all get a second or third chance at true love, Xander. Don’t devalue yours because of your misguided guilt, or some mistaken belief that you don’t deserve it. You haven’t done everything right in your life, but you’ve done a lot of good, and you’ve already endured your fair share of hardships. You’ve got an amazing future ahead of you with a fantastic woman who loves you. I don’t imagine you’ll ever get over what happened with Anya, nor should you, but that doesn’t mean you haven’t earned this. You have, and I wish you nothing but the happiest of futures.”
I couldn’t speak. It was the best praise he’d ever given me, and the reassurance I needed that it was all right to heal and give all of myself to the relationship with the woman I loved.
He smiled and gave me a pat on the back. “Now, if we’re done with our little manly chat, I think there’s a young woman waiting for you in my guest room.”
I nodded, still unable to find words, and afraid that if I did I’d cry anyway. I began to head to the room, but as I reached the door, I changed my mind and headed back over to him and gave him a bear hug.
“Thanks, old man.” I found my voice, and he became the silent one as he merely nodded and made a motion for me to get out and leave him to tidy up.
I entered the room to find Lara asleep with her book fallen carelessly to the side. I quietly put it over on the bedside table and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead. She woke up at my touch and smiled. “Hey there, stud, you’re looking all choked up. Guy talk get too emotional for you?” I stuck my tongue out at her. She sounded teasing, but I could see a glimmer of concern behind her eyes. “Seriously, though. You okay?”
I looked at her hand resting on my arm and stroked her fingers gently, musing about how much I loved this hand and the person attached to it. “Yeah,” I said, meeting her eyes again. “I’m okay. I’m going to be fine.”
Originally posted here on March 28, 2005
(Darn, I'd been so good about posting these in the actual order that they were posted, but just noticed I missed a few! I'm neurotically concerned about stuff like that.)