Better to Have Loved and Lost
Title: Better to Have Loved and Lost Pairings: Jared/Jensen Rating: R Warnings: Extreme disgusting schmoop, because apparently I'm on a roll today. Word Count: 4,036 Summary: When Jared was five his mama used to tuck him into bed and tell him stories about how a prince met his princess and they fell in love and lived happily ever after. Let's just say that growing up, those stories stuck with him, and he learned a thing or two about love. Disclaimer: fic-tion:n. a. An imaginative creation or a pretense that does not represent actuality but has been invented. b. The act of inventing such a creation or pretense. A/N: I should never be allowed near anything remotely shmoopy/angsty on TV ever. This fic was born out of the scene from How I Met Your Mother in the episode 'As Fast As She Can'. Yeah, anyone's who seen this will know the scene when they read it. But anyways, yay!! I wrote something other than PG-13 ;]"So much of what we learn of love we learn at home." --unknown
When Jared was five his mama used to tuck him into bed and tell him stories about how a prince met his princess and they fell in love and lived happily ever after. He loved these times with his mama because she had to work long hours at the factory and never had much time to spend with him even though he knew it made her sad and tired. Even though she worked all day and had to do mom stuff when she got home, she always made sure to tuck him in bed and tell him the story about how her and his daddy met when they were in high school and fell in love, got married, and had him and his three year old sister Megan.
Jared’s daddy went away right after Megan was born, and Jared didn’t know where he went but his mama always got sad when she talked about it so Jared learned not to bring it up any more. Jared didn’t remember him though since he was too little when he left, so Jared clung to his mama’s stories like his life depended on it. They were the only way he got to know a Daddy that wasn’t there anymore and with each story Jared created a happy picture of his daddy taking him to school so mama could sleep in, and his daddy taking him out to play like other daddy’s did. It made him sleep better at night because his mama would smile a soft smile and her eyes would get soft and pretty and Jared clung to her tighter because he was afraid that she might just leave him too.
Jared wanted to fall in love with a pretty girl just like his mama, and every time she told him a story about love and obstacles, Jared pictured himself when he was older and in love with a girl just like his mama and they would have babies too and he would tell them the same stories his mama told him. It was enough to help him fall asleep with a smile on his lips and even though he was fast asleep, he still felt his mama’s warm lips press against his forehead in a kiss that told him she wanted that for him too.
:::
When Jared turned fifteen he got excited because this was the age his parents fell in love and he sort of had the expectation that maybe fate would do him the same courtesy. Maybe, just maybe. But love never came and then Jared was sixteen and he’d kissed a few girls sure, but he didn’t feel that spark or see those fireworks that his mom had spent years telling him about and he had the sinking feeling that love might just never find him.
He was too tall and skinny, he had stupid moles on his face and his elbows and knees were pointy and knobby. His hair flopped in his face and did this weird curling thing at the back, and his nose was too pointy. No one would ever fall in love with him. Even his ability to get along with people would never be enough to let someone fall in love with him. He told his mama this one day, when they were sitting curled on the couch on a Friday night, watching romance movies and drinking chocolate milk. His mom put her steaming cup down on the scarred surface of the coffee table and turned towards Jared, pulling him down so that his head rested comfortably in her lap. She stroked his hair and was quiet for a few minutes, staring off in space as Jared breathed in the warm sweet cinnamon-mom smell and closed his eyes until she poked him in the cheek.
“Honey, you are a very handsome, very pretty boy,” Jared wrinkled his nose and his mom laughed. It rang throughout the empty house because Megan was sleeping over Susie’s house and Jared could only think about how his mom’s laugh made him feel like he was five and she was telling him a story about a prince and his princess.
“Well you are.” She said, tapping his nose. He smiled. “Love is something you have to wait for sometimes, Jared. For some people, love will just fall into their laps and sometimes they won’t know just how lucky they are that it did. But,” she rubs her thumb over his forehead and her eyes are narrowed and her brows furrowed slightly in her concentration. “sometimes, love will make you go through trials. I think, it’s because some people need to realize some things, they need to figure themselves out right before they can be trusted with such the delicate and fierce thing that love is.” Her eyes have that look that tells Jared she’s thinking of his dad again. She never told him how he died, but Jared knows those wounds are still too fresh for her to pick at just yet. So he’ll wait as long as it takes until she can un-wrap the bandage and clean the wound.
“I want that Mama.” Jared whispers, and he turns his face away from her as she looks down at him, his face facing the brown of their worn out couch.
“I want to be in love. I want to be loved like that- to have someone who will be there for you every step of the way, and I want to wake up in the morning and roll over and look at that face and just know that waking up every day like that is worth whatever it took to get there. Mama I want that so bad.” He feels stupid. He’s a sixteen year old boy and he shouldn’t even care about love right now. He should be worried about school and girls and what’s going to happen next on his favorite TV shows but there’s something in Jared that aches. It’s been aching so bad for so long that its presence is something he’s grown used to and he knows, just knows that it’s because the person who will soothe that ache is out there somewhere. He’s just not sure how long he can wait before he snaps in two.
“How did you know- how did you know that Dad was The One?” Jared gathers his courage and looks up at his mother. Her fingers have stopped stroking his hair, and her eyes are so full of sadness, but this time, Jared thinks it isn’t because he brought up Dad. And then she smiles a little and continues running her fingers through his stupid hair.
“Did you know that I once talked my way out of a speeding ticket?” Jared shakes his head and looks up with wide eyes. This was a story he’s never been told before.
“Well I was once, when I was very young. I was heading back to your Grandma’s house and was speeding on this stretch of empty highway road and the next thing I know I get pulled over. This cop get’s out of his car and swaggers over to me and can you guess what he said to me?” He shakes his head again, eyes focused in rapt attention as his mother smiles and nods slightly.
“I roll down my window and he says to me ‘Little lady, I’ve been waiting for you all day’ and I look up at him and say ‘I’m so sorry Officer, I got here as fast as I could.’” He doesn’t understand. Not the story or the smile his mom still has on her face or the little laugh she exhales when he scrunches his nose up in confusion.
“It’s an old joke honey but,” and this time her eyes are narrowed and serious, all traces of laughter gone as she looks down at Jared with concentration. “the point is Jared-The point is, is that I know you’re waiting. I know that right now, it may seem like if you wait any longer you might break and it’s scary to think that, and you may have to wait just a little while more but you have to know something Jared-something very important.”
“What is it?” he whispers. He’s drawn in and now he’s leaning on his elbows and staring up at her with awe and confusion and interest.
“She’s on her way Jared, and she is getting here as fast as she possibly can, and when she does, you’ll know that all this waiting you had to do, all this pain you had to go through? You’ll know that it was all worth it because she’s here now and that’s all that ever mattered in the first place.”
:::
Jared’s mom dies the summer after that Friday she told him to wait for his true love. He feels like his hearts been ripped out because his mother and his best friend is being lowered into the ground and all he can think about his how he won’t be able to wake up on a Saturday morning and see his mom in the kitchen making them all breakfast. She won’t be there to listen to his teenage angst and give him advice or encouragement and he won’t ever hear her laugh again outside of the few video tapes he has of her.
He drops his sunflower onto her casket and steps back. She loved sunflowers and had told Jared that when she got old and died, she wanted those instead of white roses. Instead of black suits and stuffy dresses she wants them to wear bright colors because she’s finished what she was put on this earth to do and they should be happy for her because now she’s with the Angels, and when she looks down on them she doesn’t want to see a sad face.
Jared looks down at his pink dress shirt and pressed khakis, looks over at his sister and her sunflower dress and does his best not to cry because he knows his mom is looking down on them and she’s smiling that fond, small little smile that says she loves them and that she’s proud of them and is rooting for them to find their true love just like she did when she was fifteen and the new boy moved into town.
So he holds off the tears, grabs his sister’s soft hand and they both look up at the sky in unison. Because their Mama is up there, and when the rainbow appears in the sky they know it’s from her.
:::
Jared and Megan go to live with their grandma two weeks after his mother’s funeral. He thinks it’s a good thing that they’re leaving their old home, because he wasn’t sure how long he could hold out looking around their house and feeling that gaping hole his mother left behind. So they pack up their things and his mother’s stuff goes to his grandma’s storage unit. Jared saves a few things as he helps pack them up though. He keeps the pictures his mom had stuck in the ends of her mirror and he keeps the ring his father used to wear.
He also keeps the rope necklace with a shiny metal sunflower on the end because his mother loved that necklace, and if Jared can’t have his Mama anymore he still wants this piece of her so that years from now when he tells his kids about their grandma, he can hold out her necklace and tell them that her favorite flower was sunflowers and that she had a laugh that rang through the house and a smile that could light up the night sky better than the brightest moon. He packs up the last box and helps carry them out to the moving truck. He can feel the weight of the necklace around his neck and when he looks over at his sister as she jumps into the passenger seat, he sees the gleam of his mother’s earrings and he smiles. They’ve both made their peace, and when he looks at the small house one last time, he knows that this time he can look away without feeling the hurt deep in his chest.
:::
Jared is twenty four and it’s the anniversary of his mother’s death. He’s back in his hometown for the occasion and Megan is getting dressed in her sunflower dress while Jared gets the flowers. He goes to the same place his mother has been going to for years. It’s just a stand on the corner right in front of Jess’ Diner, run by Jess’ husband, Carl, who has had a love of flowers for twenty two years. He’s known Jared since he was six and has known him and kept in touch even when Jared left for college because Jared goes out of his way to come back every year for this day and when he walks up to the green stand with the flowers in their stands, he knows that Carl remembers what day it is.
“Well hello there, Jared. Been a while since we’ve seen you around these parts, how is that sister of yours? Did she get that internship in that fancy New York company?” Jared smiles and spares a quick wave for Jess, who is waving frantically at him from behind the bar.
“Yeah, she did actually. She’s very excited and she actually starts next week. She was a nervous wreck for two weeks before she got the call, even though Jake and I both kept telling her she had this one in the bag.” Jake was Megan’s fiancé. They were going to get married this fall in New York and Jared is Megan’s bride’s maid. They never were ones for traditional weddings. Jared knows that his mom would have gotten a serious kick out of that one.
“Well of course. Our Megan is a talented young one she is; you still working at that book store down in Richardson?” Jo’s was owned by one of his best friends in the entire world, Jolene Daniels. He loved the girl to the ends of the earth and when he’d lost his job two years ago she gave him a job and he hasn’t left since. Considering how many Barnes and Nobles they had down in Richardson you’d never even imagine just how good Jo’s actually did. He got paid good considering, and he was happy and content with his life in a way he really hadn’t been for awhile.
“Yes, Carl I am, and loving every minute of it. Jo’s got an offer to open her own store franchise, did you hear? It’s so crazy, and everything is moving into production so fast we’re still whirling. Now how about those sunflowers? Megan will rip me a new one if I’m late picking her up.”
“Oh yes, I completely forgot about the flowers. You need to come down more often son, me and the wife miss you something fierce and she’s just been itching to try some recipes out on y’all so you should head down tomorrow before you head on up home.” Jared nods with a smile and watches as Carl walks off towards the fridge in the back where he keeps his flower orders. He grabs his wallet out of his back pocket and taps his fingers against his thigh just as he feels a shoulder bump into his, knocking him backwards and making him drop his wallet.
“Dammit! Hey, I’m sorry man.” Jared blinks and straightens himself up in time to see a man straighten up and hand over Jared’s wallet, but Jared’s still stuck on how green his eyes are. How they’re golden and how green, and then he grabs his wallet and their fingers brush and they’re warm and rough and Jared just knows right then, as he looks back up into smiling green eyes and a face so beautiful, that Jared feels his breathe get stuck somewhere in his throat and his heart speeds up and slows down to a dull thump.
He knows right then that his Mama had planned this somehow, up there in Heaven, because that ache that was always there has soothed over and when those lips tilt into a smile as they shake hands, a rainbow is in the sky and Carl comes around with the flowers in his hands and when Jared looks down at Jensen’s backpack he sees a sunflower pinned to the strap.
His Mama always was one for clichés, and this is the biggest of all clichés if Jared ever saw one. He smiles and knows, just knows that his mom is smiling down at him, and he can almost hear her voice ringing in his ear.
And he’s coming as fast as he possibly can…
:::
The day Jared tells Jensen about his Mama it’s a Friday and they’re watching reruns of Seinfeld on TV and drinking beer, their feet entangled on the scarred surface of their coffee table. He tells Jensen about the stories she told him and the time that she told Jared to just wait for that someone because when they get here all that pain he went through will be worth it. He tells him about how she used to make rainbow cookies and how she always told him to live his life as best and free as he could because living in a lie and going through the motions is not living at all.
Jared told him about how she died because Jared had won his first basketball game and she had to work late so she had detoured to the supermarket to grab a cake that said Congratulations! I knew you could do it! He also told Jensen about how she had ordered that the day before and how there were little purple basketballs on it because she thought it looked better that way. Then, on the way home, these kids were out drinking in celebration and ran a red light.
Jared had to stop for a second and he looked hard at the wall and when Jensen told him it was okay, he could stop if he wanted to, Jared shook his head and kept going because he needed to rip the bandage off and clean the wound.
“We got the call right around the time when we were wondering what was taking her so long. Our neighbor drove us to the hospital and we got there just as our grandma did. They told us that she died on impact and she hadn’t suffered at all, and that the kids who had hit her were fine, just spooked and horrified.” Jared took a deep breath and swallowed convulsively. He felt Jensen’s hand rubbing along his neck and slowly pull him down until his head was in his lap. Jensen smelled like the mustard he’d spilt on his jeans and clean sweat and the cookies that they’d been eating earlier. It was perfect.
“On her funeral, I wore my pink dress shirt and Megan wore her sunflower dress and we both dropped a sunflower on her casket. She loved sunflowers. They were her favorite, and she told us that she wanted dozens of them at her funeral and that if we wore black she would come back to get us somehow. She also told us not to cry, because she’d done all that she was meant to do. And I believe that.
I believe that she had gone through trials and had happiness and loss, and she raised us. I think she touched people’s lives and that she had a purpose and she lived that purpose until it just ran high because she pushed it to its limits.” They were quiet for awhile. Jensen’s hand was working its way through Jared’s hair and there was a commercial about Bounty on the flickering screen and Jensen’s thigh was warm under his cheek.
“I wish I could have met her. She sounds like an amazing woman, Jared.” Quiet again, until Jensen lowers himself so they’re both laying on the couch facing each other and even though it’s dark Jared could still see the flickering green of Jensen’s eyes and he knew, as he leaned in and kissed this man in front of him, that he was The One. That after twenty four years Jared finally found his- found him on the anniversary of his mother’s death, when he was buying sunflowers and Jensen hadn’t been paying attention to the street and bumped into a spacey Jared and then asked him out to coffee. When Jensen deepened the kiss and moved to lay over him, Jared held his hips and tilted his head and felt his chest constrict and release so fast he thought he might be having a heart attack.
When Jensen was unzipping his fly and reaching inside to grip Jared inside his boxers, he moaned and thrust into rough tight warmth and looked up into wonderful eyes that smirked along with plush lips.
“I love you, Jensen.” The hand stilled for one millisecond and those pretty eyes widened and that mouth popped open in surprise and then he smiled so bright that Jared didn’t need any light to see it.
“I love you too, Jared.” Jensen breathed, and he started moving his hand again and Jared slid his hand underneath jeans and leaned up to kiss that still smiling mouth and thought that, yeah, this is what it felt like to know.
:::
Jared made sure to tell his kids this story when Jamie was five and his sister, Lilly, was four. He told them about their grandma and he told them about the stories she used to tell him and he made sure to tell them the story about how Jensen and him bumped into each other on a sunny summer day in front of a flower stand, fell in love, got married, and adopted kids. They listened to him with wide eyes and their little mouths were slack as they stared up at their Daddy and soaked up every word.
When he was done they were both asleep and an idea occurred to him as he was tucking them in bed. He reached under the collar of his shirt and took off the necklace. The missing weight made him feel naked, exposed- and when he looked down he saw he had a tan line running along his neck. The rope had dimmed in color over the years and the flower at the bottom had its fair share of nicks and it looked just the same as it did when he was seventeen and putting it around his neck for the first time.
When he finished tucking Lilly in bed he heard the soft thud of foot steps behind him and turned around to see Jensen standing in the doorway, leaning a hip against the jam and looking every bit as beautiful as he did eight years ago. Green eyes settled on their daughter’s sleeping form and he smiled, walking over and wrapping his arms around Jared’s waist and resting his chin on his shoulder.
“You sure your ready to do that?” he asked, his eyes still on their daughter and Jared looked back and smiled too as Lilly snuffled in her sleep and rolled over, messing up her blankets and pushing her thumb in her mouth even though they tried to break that habit months ago. His eyes rested on the glint of light that reflected off the rope dangling around her neck and Jared smiled brighter.
“Yeah, I think I am.” They closed the door and that night, when Jensen pushed inside him, Jared looked up, wrapped a leg around strong hips and buried his face in the soft sweet skin of Jensen’s neck. He had everything he could ever possibly want and his chest restricted and released again just like it did seven years ago and when Jared looked up into glazed green eyes Jared knew that through all the pain and loss he’d gone through, being able to look up into those eyes every day and night, made it that much sweeter.
End.
When Jared was five his mama used to tuck him into bed and tell him stories about how a prince met his princess and they fell in love and lived happily ever after. He loved these times with his mama because she had to work long hours at the factory and never had much time to spend with him even though he knew it made her sad and tired. Even though she worked all day and had to do mom stuff when she got home, she always made sure to tuck him in bed and tell him the story about how her and his daddy met when they were in high school and fell in love, got married, and had him and his three year old sister Megan.
Jared’s daddy went away right after Megan was born, and Jared didn’t know where he went but his mama always got sad when she talked about it so Jared learned not to bring it up any more. Jared didn’t remember him though since he was too little when he left, so Jared clung to his mama’s stories like his life depended on it. They were the only way he got to know a Daddy that wasn’t there anymore and with each story Jared created a happy picture of his daddy taking him to school so mama could sleep in, and his daddy taking him out to play like other daddy’s did. It made him sleep better at night because his mama would smile a soft smile and her eyes would get soft and pretty and Jared clung to her tighter because he was afraid that she might just leave him too.
Jared wanted to fall in love with a pretty girl just like his mama, and every time she told him a story about love and obstacles, Jared pictured himself when he was older and in love with a girl just like his mama and they would have babies too and he would tell them the same stories his mama told him. It was enough to help him fall asleep with a smile on his lips and even though he was fast asleep, he still felt his mama’s warm lips press against his forehead in a kiss that told him she wanted that for him too.
:::
When Jared turned fifteen he got excited because this was the age his parents fell in love and he sort of had the expectation that maybe fate would do him the same courtesy. Maybe, just maybe. But love never came and then Jared was sixteen and he’d kissed a few girls sure, but he didn’t feel that spark or see those fireworks that his mom had spent years telling him about and he had the sinking feeling that love might just never find him.
He was too tall and skinny, he had stupid moles on his face and his elbows and knees were pointy and knobby. His hair flopped in his face and did this weird curling thing at the back, and his nose was too pointy. No one would ever fall in love with him. Even his ability to get along with people would never be enough to let someone fall in love with him. He told his mama this one day, when they were sitting curled on the couch on a Friday night, watching romance movies and drinking chocolate milk. His mom put her steaming cup down on the scarred surface of the coffee table and turned towards Jared, pulling him down so that his head rested comfortably in her lap. She stroked his hair and was quiet for a few minutes, staring off in space as Jared breathed in the warm sweet cinnamon-mom smell and closed his eyes until she poked him in the cheek.
“Honey, you are a very handsome, very pretty boy,” Jared wrinkled his nose and his mom laughed. It rang throughout the empty house because Megan was sleeping over Susie’s house and Jared could only think about how his mom’s laugh made him feel like he was five and she was telling him a story about a prince and his princess.
“Well you are.” She said, tapping his nose. He smiled. “Love is something you have to wait for sometimes, Jared. For some people, love will just fall into their laps and sometimes they won’t know just how lucky they are that it did. But,” she rubs her thumb over his forehead and her eyes are narrowed and her brows furrowed slightly in her concentration. “sometimes, love will make you go through trials. I think, it’s because some people need to realize some things, they need to figure themselves out right before they can be trusted with such the delicate and fierce thing that love is.” Her eyes have that look that tells Jared she’s thinking of his dad again. She never told him how he died, but Jared knows those wounds are still too fresh for her to pick at just yet. So he’ll wait as long as it takes until she can un-wrap the bandage and clean the wound.
“I want that Mama.” Jared whispers, and he turns his face away from her as she looks down at him, his face facing the brown of their worn out couch.
“I want to be in love. I want to be loved like that- to have someone who will be there for you every step of the way, and I want to wake up in the morning and roll over and look at that face and just know that waking up every day like that is worth whatever it took to get there. Mama I want that so bad.” He feels stupid. He’s a sixteen year old boy and he shouldn’t even care about love right now. He should be worried about school and girls and what’s going to happen next on his favorite TV shows but there’s something in Jared that aches. It’s been aching so bad for so long that its presence is something he’s grown used to and he knows, just knows that it’s because the person who will soothe that ache is out there somewhere. He’s just not sure how long he can wait before he snaps in two.
“How did you know- how did you know that Dad was The One?” Jared gathers his courage and looks up at his mother. Her fingers have stopped stroking his hair, and her eyes are so full of sadness, but this time, Jared thinks it isn’t because he brought up Dad. And then she smiles a little and continues running her fingers through his stupid hair.
“Did you know that I once talked my way out of a speeding ticket?” Jared shakes his head and looks up with wide eyes. This was a story he’s never been told before.
“Well I was once, when I was very young. I was heading back to your Grandma’s house and was speeding on this stretch of empty highway road and the next thing I know I get pulled over. This cop get’s out of his car and swaggers over to me and can you guess what he said to me?” He shakes his head again, eyes focused in rapt attention as his mother smiles and nods slightly.
“I roll down my window and he says to me ‘Little lady, I’ve been waiting for you all day’ and I look up at him and say ‘I’m so sorry Officer, I got here as fast as I could.’” He doesn’t understand. Not the story or the smile his mom still has on her face or the little laugh she exhales when he scrunches his nose up in confusion.
“It’s an old joke honey but,” and this time her eyes are narrowed and serious, all traces of laughter gone as she looks down at Jared with concentration. “the point is Jared-The point is, is that I know you’re waiting. I know that right now, it may seem like if you wait any longer you might break and it’s scary to think that, and you may have to wait just a little while more but you have to know something Jared-something very important.”
“What is it?” he whispers. He’s drawn in and now he’s leaning on his elbows and staring up at her with awe and confusion and interest.
“She’s on her way Jared, and she is getting here as fast as she possibly can, and when she does, you’ll know that all this waiting you had to do, all this pain you had to go through? You’ll know that it was all worth it because she’s here now and that’s all that ever mattered in the first place.”
:::
Jared’s mom dies the summer after that Friday she told him to wait for his true love. He feels like his hearts been ripped out because his mother and his best friend is being lowered into the ground and all he can think about his how he won’t be able to wake up on a Saturday morning and see his mom in the kitchen making them all breakfast. She won’t be there to listen to his teenage angst and give him advice or encouragement and he won’t ever hear her laugh again outside of the few video tapes he has of her.
He drops his sunflower onto her casket and steps back. She loved sunflowers and had told Jared that when she got old and died, she wanted those instead of white roses. Instead of black suits and stuffy dresses she wants them to wear bright colors because she’s finished what she was put on this earth to do and they should be happy for her because now she’s with the Angels, and when she looks down on them she doesn’t want to see a sad face.
Jared looks down at his pink dress shirt and pressed khakis, looks over at his sister and her sunflower dress and does his best not to cry because he knows his mom is looking down on them and she’s smiling that fond, small little smile that says she loves them and that she’s proud of them and is rooting for them to find their true love just like she did when she was fifteen and the new boy moved into town.
So he holds off the tears, grabs his sister’s soft hand and they both look up at the sky in unison. Because their Mama is up there, and when the rainbow appears in the sky they know it’s from her.
:::
Jared and Megan go to live with their grandma two weeks after his mother’s funeral. He thinks it’s a good thing that they’re leaving their old home, because he wasn’t sure how long he could hold out looking around their house and feeling that gaping hole his mother left behind. So they pack up their things and his mother’s stuff goes to his grandma’s storage unit. Jared saves a few things as he helps pack them up though. He keeps the pictures his mom had stuck in the ends of her mirror and he keeps the ring his father used to wear.
He also keeps the rope necklace with a shiny metal sunflower on the end because his mother loved that necklace, and if Jared can’t have his Mama anymore he still wants this piece of her so that years from now when he tells his kids about their grandma, he can hold out her necklace and tell them that her favorite flower was sunflowers and that she had a laugh that rang through the house and a smile that could light up the night sky better than the brightest moon. He packs up the last box and helps carry them out to the moving truck. He can feel the weight of the necklace around his neck and when he looks over at his sister as she jumps into the passenger seat, he sees the gleam of his mother’s earrings and he smiles. They’ve both made their peace, and when he looks at the small house one last time, he knows that this time he can look away without feeling the hurt deep in his chest.
:::
Jared is twenty four and it’s the anniversary of his mother’s death. He’s back in his hometown for the occasion and Megan is getting dressed in her sunflower dress while Jared gets the flowers. He goes to the same place his mother has been going to for years. It’s just a stand on the corner right in front of Jess’ Diner, run by Jess’ husband, Carl, who has had a love of flowers for twenty two years. He’s known Jared since he was six and has known him and kept in touch even when Jared left for college because Jared goes out of his way to come back every year for this day and when he walks up to the green stand with the flowers in their stands, he knows that Carl remembers what day it is.
“Well hello there, Jared. Been a while since we’ve seen you around these parts, how is that sister of yours? Did she get that internship in that fancy New York company?” Jared smiles and spares a quick wave for Jess, who is waving frantically at him from behind the bar.
“Yeah, she did actually. She’s very excited and she actually starts next week. She was a nervous wreck for two weeks before she got the call, even though Jake and I both kept telling her she had this one in the bag.” Jake was Megan’s fiancé. They were going to get married this fall in New York and Jared is Megan’s bride’s maid. They never were ones for traditional weddings. Jared knows that his mom would have gotten a serious kick out of that one.
“Well of course. Our Megan is a talented young one she is; you still working at that book store down in Richardson?” Jo’s was owned by one of his best friends in the entire world, Jolene Daniels. He loved the girl to the ends of the earth and when he’d lost his job two years ago she gave him a job and he hasn’t left since. Considering how many Barnes and Nobles they had down in Richardson you’d never even imagine just how good Jo’s actually did. He got paid good considering, and he was happy and content with his life in a way he really hadn’t been for awhile.
“Yes, Carl I am, and loving every minute of it. Jo’s got an offer to open her own store franchise, did you hear? It’s so crazy, and everything is moving into production so fast we’re still whirling. Now how about those sunflowers? Megan will rip me a new one if I’m late picking her up.”
“Oh yes, I completely forgot about the flowers. You need to come down more often son, me and the wife miss you something fierce and she’s just been itching to try some recipes out on y’all so you should head down tomorrow before you head on up home.” Jared nods with a smile and watches as Carl walks off towards the fridge in the back where he keeps his flower orders. He grabs his wallet out of his back pocket and taps his fingers against his thigh just as he feels a shoulder bump into his, knocking him backwards and making him drop his wallet.
“Dammit! Hey, I’m sorry man.” Jared blinks and straightens himself up in time to see a man straighten up and hand over Jared’s wallet, but Jared’s still stuck on how green his eyes are. How they’re golden and how green, and then he grabs his wallet and their fingers brush and they’re warm and rough and Jared just knows right then, as he looks back up into smiling green eyes and a face so beautiful, that Jared feels his breathe get stuck somewhere in his throat and his heart speeds up and slows down to a dull thump.
He knows right then that his Mama had planned this somehow, up there in Heaven, because that ache that was always there has soothed over and when those lips tilt into a smile as they shake hands, a rainbow is in the sky and Carl comes around with the flowers in his hands and when Jared looks down at Jensen’s backpack he sees a sunflower pinned to the strap.
His Mama always was one for clichés, and this is the biggest of all clichés if Jared ever saw one. He smiles and knows, just knows that his mom is smiling down at him, and he can almost hear her voice ringing in his ear.
And he’s coming as fast as he possibly can…
:::
The day Jared tells Jensen about his Mama it’s a Friday and they’re watching reruns of Seinfeld on TV and drinking beer, their feet entangled on the scarred surface of their coffee table. He tells Jensen about the stories she told him and the time that she told Jared to just wait for that someone because when they get here all that pain he went through will be worth it. He tells him about how she used to make rainbow cookies and how she always told him to live his life as best and free as he could because living in a lie and going through the motions is not living at all.
Jared told him about how she died because Jared had won his first basketball game and she had to work late so she had detoured to the supermarket to grab a cake that said Congratulations! I knew you could do it! He also told Jensen about how she had ordered that the day before and how there were little purple basketballs on it because she thought it looked better that way. Then, on the way home, these kids were out drinking in celebration and ran a red light.
Jared had to stop for a second and he looked hard at the wall and when Jensen told him it was okay, he could stop if he wanted to, Jared shook his head and kept going because he needed to rip the bandage off and clean the wound.
“We got the call right around the time when we were wondering what was taking her so long. Our neighbor drove us to the hospital and we got there just as our grandma did. They told us that she died on impact and she hadn’t suffered at all, and that the kids who had hit her were fine, just spooked and horrified.” Jared took a deep breath and swallowed convulsively. He felt Jensen’s hand rubbing along his neck and slowly pull him down until his head was in his lap. Jensen smelled like the mustard he’d spilt on his jeans and clean sweat and the cookies that they’d been eating earlier. It was perfect.
“On her funeral, I wore my pink dress shirt and Megan wore her sunflower dress and we both dropped a sunflower on her casket. She loved sunflowers. They were her favorite, and she told us that she wanted dozens of them at her funeral and that if we wore black she would come back to get us somehow. She also told us not to cry, because she’d done all that she was meant to do. And I believe that.
I believe that she had gone through trials and had happiness and loss, and she raised us. I think she touched people’s lives and that she had a purpose and she lived that purpose until it just ran high because she pushed it to its limits.” They were quiet for awhile. Jensen’s hand was working its way through Jared’s hair and there was a commercial about Bounty on the flickering screen and Jensen’s thigh was warm under his cheek.
“I wish I could have met her. She sounds like an amazing woman, Jared.” Quiet again, until Jensen lowers himself so they’re both laying on the couch facing each other and even though it’s dark Jared could still see the flickering green of Jensen’s eyes and he knew, as he leaned in and kissed this man in front of him, that he was The One. That after twenty four years Jared finally found his- found him on the anniversary of his mother’s death, when he was buying sunflowers and Jensen hadn’t been paying attention to the street and bumped into a spacey Jared and then asked him out to coffee. When Jensen deepened the kiss and moved to lay over him, Jared held his hips and tilted his head and felt his chest constrict and release so fast he thought he might be having a heart attack.
When Jensen was unzipping his fly and reaching inside to grip Jared inside his boxers, he moaned and thrust into rough tight warmth and looked up into wonderful eyes that smirked along with plush lips.
“I love you, Jensen.” The hand stilled for one millisecond and those pretty eyes widened and that mouth popped open in surprise and then he smiled so bright that Jared didn’t need any light to see it.
“I love you too, Jared.” Jensen breathed, and he started moving his hand again and Jared slid his hand underneath jeans and leaned up to kiss that still smiling mouth and thought that, yeah, this is what it felt like to know.
:::
Jared made sure to tell his kids this story when Jamie was five and his sister, Lilly, was four. He told them about their grandma and he told them about the stories she used to tell him and he made sure to tell them the story about how Jensen and him bumped into each other on a sunny summer day in front of a flower stand, fell in love, got married, and adopted kids. They listened to him with wide eyes and their little mouths were slack as they stared up at their Daddy and soaked up every word.
When he was done they were both asleep and an idea occurred to him as he was tucking them in bed. He reached under the collar of his shirt and took off the necklace. The missing weight made him feel naked, exposed- and when he looked down he saw he had a tan line running along his neck. The rope had dimmed in color over the years and the flower at the bottom had its fair share of nicks and it looked just the same as it did when he was seventeen and putting it around his neck for the first time.
When he finished tucking Lilly in bed he heard the soft thud of foot steps behind him and turned around to see Jensen standing in the doorway, leaning a hip against the jam and looking every bit as beautiful as he did eight years ago. Green eyes settled on their daughter’s sleeping form and he smiled, walking over and wrapping his arms around Jared’s waist and resting his chin on his shoulder.
“You sure your ready to do that?” he asked, his eyes still on their daughter and Jared looked back and smiled too as Lilly snuffled in her sleep and rolled over, messing up her blankets and pushing her thumb in her mouth even though they tried to break that habit months ago. His eyes rested on the glint of light that reflected off the rope dangling around her neck and Jared smiled brighter.
“Yeah, I think I am.” They closed the door and that night, when Jensen pushed inside him, Jared looked up, wrapped a leg around strong hips and buried his face in the soft sweet skin of Jensen’s neck. He had everything he could ever possibly want and his chest restricted and released again just like it did seven years ago and when Jared looked up into glazed green eyes Jared knew that through all the pain and loss he’d gone through, being able to look up into those eyes every day and night, made it that much sweeter.
End.