independence | day two
last night i was doing some thinking and for some reason, he popped into my mind ("he" is some guy i'll tell the story of later on down the road). it was weird, i hadn't thought about him in two years and now out of the blue i remembered something he said to me. it was just simple line; two simple words, yet he managed to make me feel so happy. i don't think i've ever been that happy in years and, maybe i'm just being weird but, it scared me. it scared me that he could easily manipulate my emotions, how easily he could make me happy. now why is that such a scary thing? i mean, i can see how it can actually be a good thing; when you can't make yourself happy, someone else can do it for you. and maybe that's why it frightens me. you see, next to family, independence is what i value the most and having someone to depend on to make you happy, it just makes me feel like they have so much power over me. i guess what i'm trying to say is that, i don't want to feel powerless.
yet the funny thing is, despite it all, for someone who values independence i'm really such a dependent person. i rely on others to make decisions for me, to tell me what to do, to show me how to act and feel. maybe the reason why i'm so dependent on others is not solely because i don't know how to be independent, but because i don't fully know who i am yet. i know it sounds dramatic and like a line from a soap opera, but it's true.
maybe the reason why i don't know how to be myself is because i follow my twin's shadow. (yes, i have twin sister- we're fraternal but people still somehow manage to mix us up sometimes) i'm not saying that it's a real reason, but i guess subconsciously i thought it would be okay if we acted alike because we were twins. it seemed no different to me than it was for us to be able to dress the same when we were young. we were twins, it was acceptable. but now, i'm finding it hard to do my own thing. i feel like if i just stopped trying to follow her footsteps, i would get lost and wouldn't know what to do.
sorry if this is such a whiny and contradictory post. i have a tendency to be both.