This Is Home
Title This Is Home
Prompt: Stockholm Syndrome.
Medium: Fic
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the real people mentioned. Situations are either totally fabricated or a fictionalized version of real events. Not written for profit.
Author(s): ficdirectory
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Abuse. Language.
Notes: Set in the Love Speaks Through Universe, sometime after Feel Your Light.
Kris woke early, ripped out of sleep by the sound of Jesse's screams.
He had been home a week, and every night now, Jesse would wake up screaming. Sometimes he would walk around. Sometimes he would talk in his sleep.
But the nightmares were the worst, because there was nothing that Kris could do to help. If he came in and tried to wake Jesse up, it was worse, and Jesse would stay up the whole rest of the night, terrified that he would be hurt again.
Kris made a point never to go in Jesse's room while he was there, if Kris could help it. This made any kind of comfort almost impossible. Kris talked to Jesse from the doorway, reassuring him. Katy talked to him. He just screamed louder.
Only one thing seemed to soothe him.
"Oh, who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Spongebob Squarepants. Absorbent and yellow and porous is he. Spongebob Squarepants. If nautical nonsense be somethin' you wish. Spongebob Squarepants. Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish! Spongebob Squarepants." Kris sang softly, chanting Spongebob Squarepants four times, like the theme song suggested, and then starting again.
If he stopped, or if he tried to sing any other song, Jesse would be worse off. So, he stood in the doorway, singing the silly lyrics over and over until Jesse slept.
--
Katy was exhasted but so relieved to have Jesse home. But it was no secret that he was a very different boy now than he had been before he'd gone back to live with his biological mother. He was sullen and negative. He seemed to have developed new fears in his absence, and now couldn't tolerate the ringing of the telephone, loud noises, or any amount of contained, standing water.
That last one made bathing a chore, since his elbow was still immobilized and in a sling. Showering wasn't an option, because it would make his cast wet. But getting him into the tub was impossible.
His first night home, in fact, Katy had run Kaleb a bath, and just the sound of the water had sent Jesse running. Kris had taken off after him, and gotten a hold of him three houses down.
This might not have been a huge deal, except for the fact that Jesse had yet to stay dry a single night. Kris and Katy never made it an issue, but did insist that he not walk around in wet clothes. Unfortunately, that suited Jesse just fine.
"Jesse, honey, you've got to get cleaned up and change," Katy sighed.
She had at least parts of this down to a science. She set Kaleb up at the computer with a set of headphones and his Reader Rabbit Toddler game, to block out the commotion Jesse was bound to make.
--
There was no way in hell Jesse was gonna get in the tub. He knew what happened there, and it wasn't anything regular like a bath. That's where he went when he lost Fight Club. Where he went when he was already beaten, and then got his head held under the freezing water.
He would have been able to run, but Kris had rigged the front door with a chain high above Jesse's head, after he got out the first night when they turned on the bath water. Now, there was nowhere to go. Their windows were locked, and with only his left hand free, he couldn't figure out how to undo it. So, he did the next best thing.
He hid in the laundry room, underneath the big pile of pee blankets. If he held really still, Katy probably wouldn't even know he was there. Or she would get bored looking for him.
Jesse held his breath until he couldn't anymore. Then, he made a tiny air hole, which also was good as a lookout spot. He heard Katy calling him.
"Jess," Katy called. She walked by him once, and then came back. Jesse closed his eyes.
When the blanket was pulled off him, Jesse came up fighting. "You can't make me do anything!" he exploded. "It was way better at my real mom's house than yours!"
"Listen to me," she said, in that voice that broke little pieces of him off the big wall he built to keep people out. "I know you're scared, and you don't have to get in the tub right now if you don't want to. I'm just going to get a washcloth and some soap and you can do it that way."
"I hate you," he said in a voice that was almost a growl. "As soon as I get better from my arm? I'm leaving. Then you won't ever see me again, and you won't get any money for me," he finished, tipping his chin at her, daring her with his eyes.
"We'll really miss you if you leave us," Katy told him, leading him carefully upstairs, careful not to touch him. "Did you know that Kaleb didn't stop looking for you the whole time you were gone? He missed you that much."
Jesse ducked his head. "He's a kid. He'd get over it."
He watched Katy really close while she got a washcloth and some soap with a little tub of water. She told him a story of how she used to give Kaleb baths in it when he was a tiny baby.
It was still big enough to put his face in, though. Big enough to be drowned in, if she changed her mind. He backed away slowly.
--
Sensing Jesse's unease, Katy carefully set the tub inside the sink and wrung out the cloth, approaching slowly. "I'm just gonna wash you off quick."
"Please..." Jesse whispered.
"I'm not gonna hurt you," Katy explained just as she had all the other days so far. She clenched her teeth against the surge of anger she felt toward his mother her boyfriend for terrorizing Jesse so badly that being approached with a washcloth would set him shaking.
"My real mom would never do this to me..." he choked fiercely, as Katy gently washed his face. "She loves me!"
Katy was silent, walking back and forth between the sink and the kitchen chair, peeking in on Kaleb every once in a while, who was chattering to the screen of the computer about shapes.
By the time Katy was done, there were tears rolling down Jesse's cheeks. She had no doubt that even the gentlest touch hurt now that he was so sore, but he had to be clean. She helped him into sweats and a jersey, carefully threading his right arm through the hole, because it was still healing.
"I'm so sorry you're hurt," she apologized, as she did every day, giving him a kiss on the head. After the third day, he had stopped flinching away from it, but still insisted his life was better before.
When she sat beside Jesse and fed him bites of egg and toast, he glared at her.
"I wish I never met you..." he sulked, between bites. "You're not even doing it right."
"Yes, dis da way!" Kaleb exclaimed happily. "See, Jesse?" he said, opening his mouth wide so Katy could give him a bite.
"Yep, watch Kaleb," Katy said easily, noticing how he relaxed little by little, if she alternated feeding both of them.
--
The days went on much like this. Sometimes, Kris or Katy wanted to throw in the towel. When Jesse was slamming doors, plotting elaborate escapes to live with his "real mom" and telling them how much better she treated him. How much more she loved him.
But when those things happened, Kris and Katy reminded each other that given what Jesse had been through, his behavior made sense.
Now, Kris carved out time every day between three and four o'clock to go to therapy with Jesse. He had his own counseling, but Jesse also needed it this way. So, while Katy was spending time with Kaleb, taking him on errands or to doctor's appointments, Kris would go to sessions with Jesse. Sometimes, he would just listen as Jesse talked, sometimes, he participated a little more.
After weeks of doing various things, like role-playing, painting and talking about different issues, Kris felt like he knew Jesse now better than he ever had before. He heard firsthand the kinds of things Jesse was forced to do. What was done to him. They were making real progress in managing his anxiety, his fears, and his anger and depression. Now, Kris could ask Jesse a direct question and get a direct answer.
It didn't seem like much, really, but Kris was well aware that these things were all valuable.
That they were all blessings.
--
Jesse hated settling in. It meant that everything in him went crazy for a long time and then afterward, it stopped and he was okay. Only now, he almost didn't remember what okay felt like.
He was doing a lot of hard work on himself. Physical therapy for his elbow was over, but mental therapy for his brain was still going on. He would probably need that forever. There was still times when he got really angry or really scared, but he was learning to deal with them the right ways.
One night, though, it was just too hard. Because now he had school to do, too, and everyone knew Jesse was too dumb to know how to do that. That's why his real mom never made him go.
Jesse slumped in his chair. All those math numbers were swimming in his brain.
"17?" he guessed, rubbing a hand over his cornrows.
Well, at least he got a haircut. And got to wear his hair how he wanted.
"Look at the numbers," Kris encouraged.
"One-two-free-four!" Kaleb counted from the living room.
"That's good, Kaleb, but it's Jesse's turn now," Kris called, sending a smile toward him and Katy, who were hanging out in the living room, doing stretches and watching Word World with the volume low/
"Forty-three minus twenty-two," Kris prompted.
"I'm too dumb!" Jesse exploded. "I can't do this! I already told you! You should just let me stay home like my biological mom! Don't you know that by now?" he exclaimed, tears shining in his eyes. "I wanna go home..."
--
"Sit," Kris said calmly eyeing the chair that Jesse had jumped up from. He waited until Jesse complied and then put his hands on Jesse's knees. This was their nonverbal cue for taking deep breaths. For a calm and serious conversation on the horizon.
Once Jesse seemed to have gotten himself together, Kris asked Jesse to look at him.
Slowly - painfully - Jesse complied.
"What is a home?" Kris asked, because this was a part of what he and Katy did with Jesse. Worked on reframing his unhealthy ideas about home and family into healthy ones.
"It's where you live," Jesse answered automatically. They had this conversation all the time.
"A house is where you live," Kris clarified gently. "What's a home?"
Jesse thought. He thought for a long time, but Kris let him.
"A home is where you feel safe," he said finally. "Where you're loved, and it doesn't hurt. Where you don't have to hurt other people to get what you need to survive. Home is where you're protected and there's always enough to eat..." Jesse was silent again, thinking. "Where your family always waits for you. Where they take you in even when you're not theirs to start with."
"Right," Kris said, smiling. "So, where do you want to go?" he quizzed.
"I don't," Jesse admitted.
"'Cause where's home?" Kris asked.
"This is home," Jesse said quietly, and he stared at Kris's hands on his own knees.
Kris wondered if he was the only one who heard the sigh of relief Jesse breathed with the words. Or how he said them again, like he was reminding himself - so softly, Kris could only read his lips:
"This is home."
Prompt: Stockholm Syndrome.
Medium: Fic
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the real people mentioned. Situations are either totally fabricated or a fictionalized version of real events. Not written for profit.
Author(s): ficdirectory
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Abuse. Language.
Notes: Set in the Love Speaks Through Universe, sometime after Feel Your Light.
Kris woke early, ripped out of sleep by the sound of Jesse's screams.
He had been home a week, and every night now, Jesse would wake up screaming. Sometimes he would walk around. Sometimes he would talk in his sleep.
But the nightmares were the worst, because there was nothing that Kris could do to help. If he came in and tried to wake Jesse up, it was worse, and Jesse would stay up the whole rest of the night, terrified that he would be hurt again.
Kris made a point never to go in Jesse's room while he was there, if Kris could help it. This made any kind of comfort almost impossible. Kris talked to Jesse from the doorway, reassuring him. Katy talked to him. He just screamed louder.
Only one thing seemed to soothe him.
"Oh, who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Spongebob Squarepants. Absorbent and yellow and porous is he. Spongebob Squarepants. If nautical nonsense be somethin' you wish. Spongebob Squarepants. Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish! Spongebob Squarepants." Kris sang softly, chanting Spongebob Squarepants four times, like the theme song suggested, and then starting again.
If he stopped, or if he tried to sing any other song, Jesse would be worse off. So, he stood in the doorway, singing the silly lyrics over and over until Jesse slept.
--
Katy was exhasted but so relieved to have Jesse home. But it was no secret that he was a very different boy now than he had been before he'd gone back to live with his biological mother. He was sullen and negative. He seemed to have developed new fears in his absence, and now couldn't tolerate the ringing of the telephone, loud noises, or any amount of contained, standing water.
That last one made bathing a chore, since his elbow was still immobilized and in a sling. Showering wasn't an option, because it would make his cast wet. But getting him into the tub was impossible.
His first night home, in fact, Katy had run Kaleb a bath, and just the sound of the water had sent Jesse running. Kris had taken off after him, and gotten a hold of him three houses down.
This might not have been a huge deal, except for the fact that Jesse had yet to stay dry a single night. Kris and Katy never made it an issue, but did insist that he not walk around in wet clothes. Unfortunately, that suited Jesse just fine.
"Jesse, honey, you've got to get cleaned up and change," Katy sighed.
She had at least parts of this down to a science. She set Kaleb up at the computer with a set of headphones and his Reader Rabbit Toddler game, to block out the commotion Jesse was bound to make.
--
There was no way in hell Jesse was gonna get in the tub. He knew what happened there, and it wasn't anything regular like a bath. That's where he went when he lost Fight Club. Where he went when he was already beaten, and then got his head held under the freezing water.
He would have been able to run, but Kris had rigged the front door with a chain high above Jesse's head, after he got out the first night when they turned on the bath water. Now, there was nowhere to go. Their windows were locked, and with only his left hand free, he couldn't figure out how to undo it. So, he did the next best thing.
He hid in the laundry room, underneath the big pile of pee blankets. If he held really still, Katy probably wouldn't even know he was there. Or she would get bored looking for him.
Jesse held his breath until he couldn't anymore. Then, he made a tiny air hole, which also was good as a lookout spot. He heard Katy calling him.
"Jess," Katy called. She walked by him once, and then came back. Jesse closed his eyes.
When the blanket was pulled off him, Jesse came up fighting. "You can't make me do anything!" he exploded. "It was way better at my real mom's house than yours!"
"Listen to me," she said, in that voice that broke little pieces of him off the big wall he built to keep people out. "I know you're scared, and you don't have to get in the tub right now if you don't want to. I'm just going to get a washcloth and some soap and you can do it that way."
"I hate you," he said in a voice that was almost a growl. "As soon as I get better from my arm? I'm leaving. Then you won't ever see me again, and you won't get any money for me," he finished, tipping his chin at her, daring her with his eyes.
"We'll really miss you if you leave us," Katy told him, leading him carefully upstairs, careful not to touch him. "Did you know that Kaleb didn't stop looking for you the whole time you were gone? He missed you that much."
Jesse ducked his head. "He's a kid. He'd get over it."
He watched Katy really close while she got a washcloth and some soap with a little tub of water. She told him a story of how she used to give Kaleb baths in it when he was a tiny baby.
It was still big enough to put his face in, though. Big enough to be drowned in, if she changed her mind. He backed away slowly.
--
Sensing Jesse's unease, Katy carefully set the tub inside the sink and wrung out the cloth, approaching slowly. "I'm just gonna wash you off quick."
"Please..." Jesse whispered.
"I'm not gonna hurt you," Katy explained just as she had all the other days so far. She clenched her teeth against the surge of anger she felt toward his mother her boyfriend for terrorizing Jesse so badly that being approached with a washcloth would set him shaking.
"My real mom would never do this to me..." he choked fiercely, as Katy gently washed his face. "She loves me!"
Katy was silent, walking back and forth between the sink and the kitchen chair, peeking in on Kaleb every once in a while, who was chattering to the screen of the computer about shapes.
By the time Katy was done, there were tears rolling down Jesse's cheeks. She had no doubt that even the gentlest touch hurt now that he was so sore, but he had to be clean. She helped him into sweats and a jersey, carefully threading his right arm through the hole, because it was still healing.
"I'm so sorry you're hurt," she apologized, as she did every day, giving him a kiss on the head. After the third day, he had stopped flinching away from it, but still insisted his life was better before.
When she sat beside Jesse and fed him bites of egg and toast, he glared at her.
"I wish I never met you..." he sulked, between bites. "You're not even doing it right."
"Yes, dis da way!" Kaleb exclaimed happily. "See, Jesse?" he said, opening his mouth wide so Katy could give him a bite.
"Yep, watch Kaleb," Katy said easily, noticing how he relaxed little by little, if she alternated feeding both of them.
--
The days went on much like this. Sometimes, Kris or Katy wanted to throw in the towel. When Jesse was slamming doors, plotting elaborate escapes to live with his "real mom" and telling them how much better she treated him. How much more she loved him.
But when those things happened, Kris and Katy reminded each other that given what Jesse had been through, his behavior made sense.
Now, Kris carved out time every day between three and four o'clock to go to therapy with Jesse. He had his own counseling, but Jesse also needed it this way. So, while Katy was spending time with Kaleb, taking him on errands or to doctor's appointments, Kris would go to sessions with Jesse. Sometimes, he would just listen as Jesse talked, sometimes, he participated a little more.
After weeks of doing various things, like role-playing, painting and talking about different issues, Kris felt like he knew Jesse now better than he ever had before. He heard firsthand the kinds of things Jesse was forced to do. What was done to him. They were making real progress in managing his anxiety, his fears, and his anger and depression. Now, Kris could ask Jesse a direct question and get a direct answer.
It didn't seem like much, really, but Kris was well aware that these things were all valuable.
That they were all blessings.
--
Jesse hated settling in. It meant that everything in him went crazy for a long time and then afterward, it stopped and he was okay. Only now, he almost didn't remember what okay felt like.
He was doing a lot of hard work on himself. Physical therapy for his elbow was over, but mental therapy for his brain was still going on. He would probably need that forever. There was still times when he got really angry or really scared, but he was learning to deal with them the right ways.
One night, though, it was just too hard. Because now he had school to do, too, and everyone knew Jesse was too dumb to know how to do that. That's why his real mom never made him go.
Jesse slumped in his chair. All those math numbers were swimming in his brain.
"17?" he guessed, rubbing a hand over his cornrows.
Well, at least he got a haircut. And got to wear his hair how he wanted.
"Look at the numbers," Kris encouraged.
"One-two-free-four!" Kaleb counted from the living room.
"That's good, Kaleb, but it's Jesse's turn now," Kris called, sending a smile toward him and Katy, who were hanging out in the living room, doing stretches and watching Word World with the volume low/
"Forty-three minus twenty-two," Kris prompted.
"I'm too dumb!" Jesse exploded. "I can't do this! I already told you! You should just let me stay home like my biological mom! Don't you know that by now?" he exclaimed, tears shining in his eyes. "I wanna go home..."
--
"Sit," Kris said calmly eyeing the chair that Jesse had jumped up from. He waited until Jesse complied and then put his hands on Jesse's knees. This was their nonverbal cue for taking deep breaths. For a calm and serious conversation on the horizon.
Once Jesse seemed to have gotten himself together, Kris asked Jesse to look at him.
Slowly - painfully - Jesse complied.
"What is a home?" Kris asked, because this was a part of what he and Katy did with Jesse. Worked on reframing his unhealthy ideas about home and family into healthy ones.
"It's where you live," Jesse answered automatically. They had this conversation all the time.
"A house is where you live," Kris clarified gently. "What's a home?"
Jesse thought. He thought for a long time, but Kris let him.
"A home is where you feel safe," he said finally. "Where you're loved, and it doesn't hurt. Where you don't have to hurt other people to get what you need to survive. Home is where you're protected and there's always enough to eat..." Jesse was silent again, thinking. "Where your family always waits for you. Where they take you in even when you're not theirs to start with."
"Right," Kris said, smiling. "So, where do you want to go?" he quizzed.
"I don't," Jesse admitted.
"'Cause where's home?" Kris asked.
"This is home," Jesse said quietly, and he stared at Kris's hands on his own knees.
Kris wondered if he was the only one who heard the sigh of relief Jesse breathed with the words. Or how he said them again, like he was reminding himself - so softly, Kris could only read his lips:
"This is home."