Love Speaks Through: Chapter 24
Adam found there was a lot he could get used to in three months’ time. He got used to wearing compressive dressing on his neck, but he was glad to have just gotten rid of that. Now, he just had the glove to wear. Today’s glove was black, because black went with everything. It was like a thick nylon sock that was supposed to reduce scarring. Adam had thought he could live with it, especially after the really bad pain of being burned, but the itching was driving him insane.
He was starting to peel and that was disgusting. Every time he took the glove off - which was only permissible if he had to shower, or clean the glove itself - dead skin would fall out, and that was just nasty. Adam wasn’t sleeping well and he found that simple things really irritated his hand. Like, someone shaking it too hard, or wearing jeans, because reaching into the pockets was way too rough. Using the heated dryers in public restrooms was like torture.
He got used to the weekly doctor appointments, and physical therapy more often than that. The therapy was painful and frustrating. Half the stuff they had him do related to grasping items with his right hand, and the glove made that near impossible. But Adam was motivated, and preferred the pain and frustration over doing nothing.
Adam got used to knowing what to avoid, and what he would just have to live with.
The thing he was having the most trouble with was the phone calls from Sam, his manager, telling him about the pressure producers were putting on him to make public appearances, and do a final interview for the Idol Gives Back special.
“You can’t just leave them with what they have,” Sam argued for the millionth time. “What kind of a feel-good ending is that?”
“They’re not using what they shot after the fire,” Adam said calmly. He had made sure of it, and Joan had stood by her word, doing what she could to effectively make sure that airing that footage would mean very unpleasant things for them.
“That’s not the point,” Sam sighed. “By now, everyone knows what happened to you, and they know where it happened. We need you to acknowledge it.”
Adam clenched his teeth. “I acknowledge it every day,” he said lowly. “I have to live with it.”
“Okay,” Sam said, his tone incongruously bright. “All we need from you is to fly back down and film a follow-up segment with the little boy you saved.”
“You are not exploiting him. And this isn’t about me. You tell them to use what they shot, with the exception of the footage from the fire, or they’re going to have legal problems. And that’s a promise,” Adam ground out.
--
It was Kaleb’s due date when Katy fell apart.
Kris was cradling his baby boy, rocking him in the rocking chair and giving him a bottle. It was supposed to be a good day. Kris had thought it was a good day. It certainly was better than when they tried to take him home last month, and got him there, only to have his airway close.
Kaleb made it through that crisis just like he had all the others, but it was wearing Kris down, and he knew it was affecting Katy, too. Some days, Kris wondered which of them would end up breaking first, but deep down, he always thought it would be him. He never expected his wife to suddenly turn and leave the NICU with her eyes full of tears.
Feeling torn, Kris eventually passed Kaleb to his favorite nurse, Nancy, to have her finish the feeding. Kris supposed this is what being a husband and a father was all about. Finding a balance and making choices about who needed him more at any given moment.
He didn’t expect to have to chase after Katy, but she had gotten a head start and was in the hospital parking lot when he caught up to her and pulled her to him.
Katy didn’t speak, only wept against his shoulder.
“Hey. What is it? He’s doing good. It’s okay…” Kris soothed, unaware of what could have upset her this much.
But hearing this only upset her more and she fought to push Kris back. “It’s not okay, Kris! It’s never going to be okay! I never wanted Kaleb to be an only child. I wanted him to have brothers and sisters to play with, Kris. I didn’t want him to be alone.”
“Oh,” Kris breathed, the realization hitting him more suddenly than he expected.
They had talked about the big family they would have, but not since Katy was pregnant. He had forgotten the way they had tossed around names like Kiersten and Kyle, and Kieran and Kelly, imagining Kaleb running around with a house full of brothers and sisters.
Though words of comfort came to mind easily, Kris found that his own emotions were stronger. He had wanted that, too. There was no point, right now, in talking about options for more kids in the future. Of adoption. This was a loss for both of them, so Kris held on to Katy, and instead of offering empty words, he cried with her.
He hoped that by grieving the loss of their imagined big family, they would be able to let God heal their hearts and deliver them through this, just as he had delivered them through so much already.
--
Allison arrived at her parents’ house wishing that she didn’t have to wait seven months until the show actually aired to tell them about so many aspects of their trip to Costa Rica. Somehow, in the three months since they had been home, she hadn’t seen either one of her parents. They had talked on the phone, but their paths hadn’t actually crossed, and Allison was determined to do something about it.
Today was her mom’s birthday, and it would have been really great to have given her something Costa Rican. She had even sent all of the gifts she bought home with Adam and Kris. So she felt sort of bad not bringing anything home for them.
So, instead, she let herself in early and went to work, cleaning and baking her mom’s favorite cake. Nobody knew she was planning to make a day out of it - Allison hadn’t really planned it either, but it seemed like the perfect idea. Plus, her mom would be shocked. Allison normally didn’t clean anything unless she needed it, or it was getting moldy.
When her mom and dad came home from their romantic day out together, Allison was waiting. Actually, she came thundering down the stairs to meet them, but that was a small detail.
And when Allison threw her arms around her mom, and felt tears close her throat, she couldn’t tell who was more shocked.
“I missed you,” Allison managed, overwhelmed and embarrassed at the sudden tears. “I’m sorry I didn’t bring you a present, but I cleaned and I baked you a cake,” she rambled.
“Mija. You are a gift. Every day,” her mom told her, pressing a kiss to her cheek. “Now, let’s go inside.”
And even though Allison had been Stateside for months, it was only now, that she truly felt at home, and whole.
--
On most days, Emilio was like a ghost. Adam did his best to ignore what they had been through together, but the memory was always a little too close. Simple things triggered it. A kid having a tantrum, or reaching under a bed to find where he kicked his shoes.
But seeing smoke in the air from wildfires triggered nightmares so vivid Adam often woke up gasping, sure that his skin was burning.
Tonight it was different. Usually, he would lie awake for hours trying to sleep, trying not to go crazy from the itching, or the pain or the memories. But he fell asleep instantly, and found himself falling headlong into the guest house.
--
He could feel the pen in his hand and the journal on the lumpy mattress. He was writing about his experience helping out, and everything the cameras, and the people watching couldn’t see. They would capture these kids smiling and happy and playful, they would catch them upset, maybe. But they wouldn’t be able to put across the whole picture.
Nobody in the States would know that when they got there, Emilio had only been there a few hours. He was new and lost and confused. They wouldn’t know that as common as the thunder was, that it made Emilio cry. No one would know that as hurt as these kids had been, they learned to be there for each other, and they learned to be happy with whatever they had.
The hot Costa Rican afternoon, and the rain falling outside was so soothing that Adam let the pen fall from his grip and fell asleep with his cheek against the journal where he had tried to put his thoughts into words.
Then it was the dream and the crying child, and Adam came awake, realizing it wasn’t a dream at all. The house was full of thick black smoke, and the curtains and the top bunk of a nearby bunk bed were all burning. He knew without being able to see it.
Adam’s eyes burned and watered from the smoke. He coughed and gagged trying to get enough air, collapsing to the floor before he realized that’s where he should be anyway. He landed on his back and somehow, could see his yellow towel hanging in the rafters, but the smoke was too thick and it was choking him. He knew he was supposed to get the towel and rescue Emilio but he couldn’t move. He was suffocating, and the fire was raging closer.
A scream rang out raising the hair on Adam’s neck and he managed to turn his head enough to see Emilio curled under the bed against the far wall, screaming like he was being tortured, and looking at Adam with huge, terrified eyes. But instead of moving, Adam could only fight for breath, and knew he was losing. He looked on helplessly as the fire pushed closer, eating away at the bottom bunk where Emilio was hiding.
The heat was immense, and Adam couldn’t fight anymore, so instead he closed his eyes and wished for it to take him quickly…
--
Adam woke up terrified in darkness so complete that he was sure it was happening again. His heart raced in his chest and his hand and neck felt as raw as they had when he had first been burned.
It took several minutes for his heartbeat to slow and for him to realize where he was. But Adam still couldn’t shake the horrible sense of failure he had whenever he thought of Emilio.
He would never admit it out loud, but Adam was glad to be between guys right now. Because there was no one he wanted to saddle with all his crap and all the issues that had grown out of what he had been through. No one knew he couldn't look at his burns without feeling disgusted. No one knew that he had slowly pulled away from everyone in his life, and was even ignoring Joan, who called every week, wanting to know how he was doing.
Adam wracked his brain, blinking back tears from his stinging eyes. He tried to think of anyone who wouldn’t mind talking to him in this horrible wrecked state he was in right now. And that’s when Adam knew. There was only one person who had lived through most of the experience right with him.
Kris had seen him at his worst right after he had come out of that house with Emilio.
With a shaking hand, Adam picked up his phone and scrolled to find Kris’ number.
--
Kris woke with a start as his phone vibrated on the nightstand. He disentangled himself from Katy and reached over to pick it up, squinting at the display window and making out Adam’s name. And that it was 3:42 AM.
“Hey. What’s up?” Kris asked, getting out of bed. He covered Katy up and then walked into the tiny bathroom.
“Shit, I don’t know…” Adam managed, his voice thick with emotion. He dragged in a breath and set the phone down to push a hand through his hair. “I can’t do this anymore.”
“What can’t you do?” Kris asked calmly, pushing the little window open, and letting in the fall air. He loved how it smelled this time of year.
Adam sniffed, and hoped like hell Kris couldn’t tell he was crying. “Live like this. I feel so damn guilty all the time that Emilio is so hurt. I hate that everybody can look at me and see what happened. I hate all of it, Kris, I wish it hadn’t happened.”
Kris was silent, listening, until he was sure Adam wasn’t going to say more. Then he spoke slowly, deliberately, to make sure that Adam understood. “I know you’re not keeping up with his recovery and everything, but Emilio is getting better every day.”
“Oh, come on, Kris. Don’t try to placate me about this, okay? That kid is going to have to live with those scars for the rest of his life. Everyone he comes in contact with will know…”
“What?” Kris challenged, angry that Adam still blamed himself when he was the only one who had acted to save a life. “What will they know?”
“How I didn’t do enough! Do you know I have nightmares every single night? If I can sleep at all? And they’re always that I don’t get to him in time…” Adam managed, wiping his eyes roughly with a hand.
“If he’s lucky, Emilio will grow up knowing that someone risked his life to make sure he had a chance to grow up. To make sure he wasn’t hurt worse. This will affect him, but those house mothers are going to make sure that he grows up knowing he is special and loved.”
“I hate that people can see it on me…” Adam ventured, still taking in what Kris had said and trying to make sense of it. “I hate that they can look at me and see how I was marked by this.”
“Yeah, it’s a mark,” Kris sighed. “And it’s always gonna be there, and that does suck. But it’s up to you to decide what it means to you. Does it mean failure or survival? Loser or hero? Victim or someone who refuses to let himself be defined by what happens to him? You’ve got to let go of that guilt. Seriously. No one is feeling badly about what you did except you.”
“But how do you do that?” Adam pressed. He was so tired of fighting. He didn’t think he could do it if he had to keep fighting it off.
“Just lay it down,” Kris said simply, taking in the beauty of the millions of stars in the pitch black night, knowing that it wasn’t so different from the Costa Rican sky he’d stared at. “You wrote to Allison how not to give certain things a power over her that they don’t have. Don’t let this have you.” Kris insisted.
Adam was silent, and stayed that way for so long that Kris wondered if he had fallen asleep.
“Okay”
“Okay, what?” Kris asked, confused.
“Okay, it’s done. I laid it down. …So how are you guys? I should come out and see you sometime, huh?”
“You’re damn right you should,” Kris laughed lightly. “We’re doing okay. Just been kind of dealing with the reality that we won’t be able to have more kids after Kaleb…” Kris admitted, growing introspective.
“Ooh. I’m sorry. That’s really rough. How’s Katy taking it?” Adam wondered.
“Same as I am. One day at a time, with faith that we’ll get through it.”
“Hmm. Good.” Adam answered finally. “I should come visit when he’s out of the hospital for good. Not like the fake time when he totally wasn’t ready…” Adam remembered, shivering at the thought of a tiny little baby like that with no way to breathe.
“Yeah, come on out. We’d love to have you. …If you’re not living like a hermit by then,” Kris chided.
“I’m over it. I told you. I laid it down. It’s done,” Adam answered, determined.
“Good,” Kris nodded. “It’ll be good to see you. We miss you, you know?”
“Miss you, too. Keep me up to date. And trust me, if you’re supposed to have more kids, you guys will have more kids. It just might not be in the way you expect.” Adam told him gently.
“I know. Thanks, Adam,” Kris answered. “We’ll see you soon.”