Demons
Kris stood in the sanctuary as the pastors called people forward to get prayer. He hadn't expected Adam to come along with him and Danny, but he had agreed after a lot of pestering by Danny. Kris was pretty sure it was only because he was there, too.
While Danny had gone right up and introduced himself to the pastors and worship leaders, Kris hung back with Adam. The two made fun of the twenty-year-old pamphlets that claimed rock music was of the devil, and that Catholics don’t think about God very much.
“Oh, my God. Are these real?” Adam whispered.
Kris flipped one over. “Looks real to me. Copyright, 1985.”
He wasn’t really crazy about these charismatic type churches and all their fervor. The thing was, Danny loved it. And they had switched off picking churches. Usually, Lil, Michael and a few others came too. Today, Lil and Michael’s families had come, and they had chosen to go as a family, someplace else. Adam wasn’t usually one of the regulars.
Kris could already see people whispering behind their hands and pointing. Not at him, but at Adam. It wasn’t in a flattering way, either. He knew, as well as Adam did that they recognized Adam only as a gay man and a sinner in their midst.
So after the three of them had sat and listened respectfully, even through the ridiculous sock-puppet play portraying Heart and Mind, when the pastors called forward those people who wanted to “get right with God.”
He was shocked at the number of people who willingly came forward - and that Danny was one of the throng to move to the front, where the wailing was strongest.
There was no way Kris was comfortable with this, and he could see Adam wasn’t either. His body posture was totally closed. So Kris had stood to retrieve Danny because they needed to leave.
But it wasn’t long before he heard a commotion from the pew he had just come out of.
“God wants to free you from the bondage of your sinful lifestyle!”
“…Cast out the demon of homosexuality!”
“Do you want to spend eternity in hell?”
By the time Kris turned, it was too late. Though Adam tried to rise, there were too many hands on him, and people around him for him to be able to escape.
Their voices rose to angry shouts and Kris gaped as Danny made his way over to the group, probably claiming Adam as a friend, and praying for him personally. He certainly wasn’t stopping it.
Kris stopped short.
He wasn’t stopping it either.
Well, that was about to change.
Not caring about etiquette or politeness, Kris vaulted over the pews, and shoved his way through the crowd, to reach Adam. Crushed forward by the group of people, Kris found himself face to face with his friend. Adam’s quick glance was enough to let Kris know he was terrified, and with good reason.
No one seemed to care that he was shaking and sweating, as they yelled at some demon they believed inhabited Adam like an unwanted guest. They pressed hands against his head, arms, shoulders and back. Kris wasn’t even claustrophobic and he could feel his breath getting shallow.
“Come on,” Kris urged quietly, grasping Adam’s hand.
“Satan! You must leave!” someone shouted, making Adam jump.
Kris saw him try to stand, but all the hands just pressed down harder. Fingers dug into his shoulders.
“Okay, that’s it,” Kris muttered, he grabbed Adam by the sleeve and dragged him out of the circle of insanity.
Once they were outside, Adam made his way to Danny’s car, sinking down beside it, so he couldn’t be seen. He vomited on the asphalt beside him and Kris held his hand.
He felt sick, too.
“I’m sorry,” Kris apologized.
Adam wiped his mouth, and shook his head. “Don’t be. I know you’re not like them.”
Kris leaned back against the car, blinking back tears. How could they think that Adam, one of the greatest people Kris had ever known, had something evil living inside him?
As Danny and the rest filtered out of the church, Kris wondered if these people knew where demons really lived, and why they felt so driven to cast them out of others, instead of first exorcising their own.
"Hey guys," Danny greeted, seeing Kris and Adam sitting against his car. He took in the mess in the lot beside Adam. "Dude, are you okay?" He hoped none of them were getting sick, but Adam looked kind of pale.
"Fine," Adam said. He got to his feet. Forcing a smile, he got in the car.
--
On the bus again, they were on their way to the next city. Adam had no idea where that was, and he didn't really care. He curled up in his bunk, earbuds for his I-Pod crammed uncomfortably in his ears. His stomach churned and his head throbbed. The bunk felt too small, and Adam hated that they were moving. All he wanted was to be still, so he could feel like he was safe.
--
"Dude, what's up with Adam today?" Matt wondered, sprawled out in the lounge area, a soda in his hand. "He always wants to play Rock Band."
Kris stayed quiet, not wanting to reveal what the problem was to the rest of the guys who weren't there.
"I think he might be sick," Danny offered, looking concerned. "I'll go see if he wants something to settle his stomach." Danny had no interest in video games anyway, so he went by the fridge and snagged a 7-Up.
A little further back, he found Adam's bunk and pulled the curtain. Adam was curled up there, his back facing out, his I-Pod on. Danny touched his shoulder lightly.
The sudden touch Adam felt made him gasp. He ripped the music away from his ears and turned, threatening eyes on the intruder. "What?" he spat.
"Just thought this might help your stomach," Danny said setting the can in the tiny space, and backing off right away.
Adam nodded shortly. He forced himself to calm down. "Thanks. I just really need to be alone right now," he managed.
Nodding, Danny pulled the curtain again and walked back up the aisle. He was used to taking care of people who were sick. It was second nature to him. He could tell, too, that there seemed to be something deeper going on with Adam. He found the rest of the guys, and encouraged them to keep their voices down.
--
Kris was watching Napoleon Dynamite for the five-hundreth time on the tour bus, and the millionth time in his life. If he cared to, he could probably recite the whole movie, verbatim. But his mind was on that morning, and he was still vaguely sickened by what had taken place. He wondered if Adam was okay.
"Gimmie some of your tots!" Scott said with the movie, and at the same time, Adam screamed.
--
Adam dreamed of hands on him, choking him and holding him down until there was nothing left of him. The hands took everything from him. His manhood, his pride, his spirit, and still they were shouting. In his dream, they wanted him to surrender everything. So, Adam screamed, as much in terror, as to remind himself that he still had a voice.
--
As Kris made his way to the bunks, he overheard Danny say "ever since church," and Michael returning something about church "having that effect on Adam."
Pushing the curtain aside, Kris peered inside. Now he was close enough to hear Adam whispering, "No," and "Get your damn hands off me," under his breath.
"You're okay," Kris told him calmly, the sound of his voice startling Adam awake.
Kris' breath caught at the sight of Adam's eyes. Vivid, blue and terrified. "You're okay," he repeated, gentler.
But Adam stayed quiet, turning away from Kris. His heart was pounding in his chest, and tears burned his eyes at the realization that he was still here. That he hadn't been forced to surrender himself. It was just a dream, he told himself, disgusted at his weakness. The tears made him feel ridiculous.
Even though Kris wanted to offer comfort, to pat Adam on the back, touch his arm or hold his hand, he didn't. Instinct had him holding back. Still, he felt he ought to say something.
He finally settled on, "Bad dream?" and then felt stupid. Who woke up screaming for another reason?
Adam ran a hand through his hair, nodding.
"Mmm," Kris hummed sympathetically. And because the look in Adam's eyes - the one that bordered on hopelessness - was completely unfamiliar, Kris continued, honestly. "There's nothing wrong with you."
"I know that!" Adam shouted so suddenly he freaked himself out and jumped a little.
Kris only blinked, and motioned for Adam to scoot over. When Adam shifted toward the wall, Kris crawled in and pulled the curtain.
There was nothing but friendship between them. Kris was happily married and Adam was happily dating, but there was a love between them, like they each had for their own brothers.
Adam flipped on his reading light, so they weren't completely in the dark. It lit up Kris' face, and Adam wished something could light himself from the inside like Kris' faith did for him. Not always. Just sometimes, when it got so dark that he wondered things he shouldn't wonder about.
"I know that," Adam repeated more quietly. "But it doesn't matter. And that's what kills me."
Kris cocked his head a little, listening.
"That no matter where I go, there's going to be people who view the way I am - the way I was born - as something to fix." He looked away. "If enough people tell you there's something wrong about you, eventually you do start to wonder, you know?" Adam asked, meeting Kris' eyes again.
Unashamed, Kris shook his head. "I can't imagine." He paused, before nudging Adam with his shoulder. "You wanna know what I know for sure, though?"
"What?" Adam asked, his voice shaking a little.
"Everything happens for a reason,"
Kris saw doubt darkening Adam's eyes, intensifying the blue in them.
"Crazy church," Kris began, smirking a little, reading Adam's thoughts, "Happened to let me know that if you ever decided to be as unselfish as you were today, and give up a Sunday morning to witness something close to my heart, that I'll return that, and make sure what happened this morning doesn't happen again. I'm sorry it took that to make me realize I should watch your back."
"And if I said I didn't want to go back? Ever?" Adam challenged, hurt still too-evident on his face.
"I'd say, I don't blame you." Kris said honestly, "And I won't push you. Hey, you can even drag me to synagogue, if you want, and I'll just chill out and listen to you speak Hebrew and wear one of those little hats," Kris chuckled good-naturedly.
Adam laughed, too, for the first time all day. "The Rabbi at our synagogue always knew I wouldn't wear a yamulke unless it had glitter and rhinestones. They're so plain otherwise."
"Okay, it's getting hot in here," Kris complained.
Smirking, Adam couldn't resist. "So, take off all your clothes," he sang, remembering the old Nelly song Neil used to play non-stop.
Kris threw his head back and laughed, opening the curtain and sliding out of the bunk.
--
"Knock, knock," Danny said, knocking lightly on the side of the bunk. Adam still hadn't joined any of them in doing anything, and the more Danny thought about it, the more it bothered him.
"Who's there?" a strange British voice said back.
"Adam?" Danny asked, peering inside.
"Yeah. What's up?" he asked closing the magazine he was reading.
Danny shrugged a little, feeling awkward. "I just wanted to be sure you were feeling okay...after earlier, I mean."
Adam exhaled. "Yeah, I feel better. Thanks."
"It was church, wasn't it?"
Silently, Adam nodded.
Danny tucked his hands in his pockets. "Listen, I wanted to apologize for my part in this morning. I shouldn't have joined those people to pray over you like that. It wasn't right. Prayer isn't effective if it's based off of judgement. And it's not our place as Christians to judge other people. I just wanted to help. I'd never seen prayer effect a person in a negative way before. I'm just sorry."
"Thank you," Adam told him sincerely. "That means a lot."
"You don't have to at all, but um... Do you forgive me?" Danny asked uncomfortably. "Not just for this...but for everything? The comments I've made. Stuff I've done to hurt you."
"Yeah, of course. Of course I forgive you," Adam told him, reaching up to give Danny a hug. To his credit, Danny didn't pull away or stiffen.
"We could learn a lot from you," Danny told him quietly.
Because Adam didn't know what to say, he got Danny in a headlock and dragged him up the aisle and then gave him a push in Michael's direction, laughing.
Finally, Adam made himself comfortable, sprawling on the couch, his head resting against Kris' leg. Kris barely missed a beat in his conversation with Scott. He rested a hand on Adam's shoulder and squeezed.
Adam took a deep breath, knowing, for the first time all day, that he was okay.
That he wasn't broken.
That he was enough.