Captain Rentboy and the Van of (not so) Free Love
Title: Captain Rentboy and the Van of (not so) Free Love
Fandom: Cabin Pressure
Characters: Douglas/Martin
Rating: PG-13/T
Word Count: 1173
Summary: Douglas hires Martin to help him move - but is all as it seems?
Captain Rentboy and the Van of (not so) Free Love
“So you don’t actually have anything for me to move.”
“No, no, Martin; I do have things to move, many of them; unfortunately, they’re otherwise occupied at the moment, being locked in the house.”
“To which you don’t have the key.”
“Quite.”
“Protected by an expensive, foolproof new alarm system.”
“Indeed.”
“Which Helena set up.”
“Exactly.”
“Right before she left on holiday to Tibet with her Tai Chi instructor.”
“Got it in one.”
“Without giving you the passcode.”
“Once more, Martin, I am astounded by your masterful grasp of the situation.”
Martin squinted; Martin frowned; Martin folded his arms across his chest and pursed his lips and jingled his keys conspicuously in his grasp. “Right. Well, in that case, I’d better be off; other customers and all that. Cheerio. The Hong Kong briefing’s Tuesday at 6:30; try not to be late.”
Had Martin not turned around to open the door at just that moment, he would have seen the gleam in Douglas’ eyes and would, like any rational person, have backed off and gotten safely away while he still had a chance.
Of course, being Martin, he did turn around, so he didn’t see the gleam in Douglas’ eyes, and therefore, when Douglas sprang his trap, Martin was still very much within hearing (and trapping) distance.
“Martin,” Douglas said, with a pleasant smile on his face. “Aren’t you forgetting something?”
Martin frowned and uncrossed his arms; Douglas could practically see his train of thought: van doors shut, check, keys, check, shoes tied, check, spare Captain’s hat stowed safely in glove compartment, check. All systems go: the Martinworld was all in its proper place.
“I don’t think so.”
“Hmm, no, of course you don’t. Well, Martin, I seem to remember paying you a rather generous sum of money for you to bring your van over here from two to four o’clock this afternoon.”
Martin made a face. “Oh - bother, Douglas, I’ll refund your money tomo-”
“But, Martin,” Douglas said- and this time Martin caught the gleam, but it was far, far too late for him to run- “I don’t want a refund; I want what I paid for.”
Martin, Douglas thought, really looked quite fetching when he was confused.
“Well, you paid for me to move all your worldly belongings from your house to your new flat, so unless you’ve figured out a way to either break in or teleport your belongings onto your front yard, it would seem you’re out of luck, but by all means, I will happily sit here and wait with you for the two hours you paid me for.”
“Good,” said Douglas.
“Good,” said Martin, and he slammed the door shut and slouched against the hood.
“Sure is hot,” said Martin a half hour later.
“Yes,” Douglas replied, wiping his sweaty hands on Martin’s t-shirt sleeve. “If only we had somewhere comfortable to sit - somewhere with soft, leather-covered seats and air-conditioning. What a shame.”
“I told you already, I’m not wasting petrol just so you can spite me in comfort. Besides, at least out here there’s things to look at.”
“Mmm.” Douglas leaned back against the bumper and shielded his eyes with his hand. “After all, I’m sure there’s absolutely nothing we could find to do in an empty cargo van on a deserted street. Nothing at all.”
Martin smiled. “Exactly!”
Douglas sighed. “Of course,” he said, “If, by chance, we did decide to adjourn to your van, I’m sure - eventually, of course - we could surely think of something to do.”
Martin looked at Douglas; he looked at the van; he looked back at Douglas again, and a dull flush crept up from his neck to his cheeks to the top of his forehead.
“No!”
“Martin-“
“No! Absolutely not! No!” Martin’s hands clutched together into fists reflexively and he bounced up from his seat on the bumper. “No!”
“Martin, don’t be ridiculous. You know perfectly well-”
“I am not having sex with you in my cargo van!”
“We just had sex yesterday in your bedroom, and you didn’t make a fuss like-”
“No! Douglas, that was - that was legitimate sex; I can’t have sex with you after you’ve paid me!” It just isn’t-” Martin took a breath, but his face only turned more purple. “It just isn’t on!”
Douglas, of course, had not been expecting immediate acquiescence; that would be too much to hope for, even for him. However, he had not come unprepared, and had in fact spent some time formulating several persuasive arguments appropriate to the occasion.
“Martin, you’re being ridiculous. It’s-”
“I am not a rentboy!”
Two houses down, one of the neighbors cracked open a window noisily. Martin glanced around in horror and jammed his hands inside his pockets.
“That’s it,” he hissed, his eyebrows furrowing forebodingly. “I’m - I’m leaving. No, no, I’m leaving, it’s no use trying to convince me; I’ll refund your money, but I will not have illicit sex with you in my van, and that’s final.”
Douglas stepped back and regarded him for a moment; then, with a shrug, he walked back two steps and nodded. “Very well,” he said. “Sir.”
Martin’s left eyebrow twitched. The corner of his mouth jerked up momentarily. “Well. Good.”
Douglas nodded. “After all, you are the captain, sir; far be it from me to question a command decision.”
It was, in fact, quite difficult to keep the sarcasm out of his voice, but Douglas managed it.
He had spent a good hour practicing beforehand, after all.
Martin’s blush receded faster than Douglas would have thought possible; his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down as he gulped, and his breathing grew the tiniest bit erratic.
“Oh Captain,” Douglas murmured, “My Captain.”
Martin gasped.
Victory.
“Well,” said Martin, glancing up and down the deserted street to make sure no one was in hearing distance, “It is rather hot today.”
“Indeed it is, sir.”
“And it would be unfair of me to leave a client…unsatisfied.”
“Positively churlish, Captain Crieff.”
Martin cleared his throat and took his keys out of his pocket. “I,” he said, “Am going to go inside the van and - take off my shirt. Because it’s hot. You’re welcome to join me, First Officer Richardson.”
Douglas grinned and followed Martin inside - making sure to snag the spare Captain’s hat from the glove compartment on his way.
You never knew when those would come in handy.
“Well,” said Douglas half an hour later. “The Crieff Delivery Service does not disappoint.”
They’d have to get dressed soon, he knew - one of the neighbors would get curious about the van sooner or later. And there was still the question of moving his things out of the house before Helena got home from work in an hour and a half; he’d have to convince Martin to help with that.
Douglas turned and regarded his captain; the man was sprawled, clad only in his socks, on the floor, a vacant, satisfied grin still on his face, his spare hat clutched in his hand.
Convincing Martin, Douglas knew, would not be difficult.
Fandom: Cabin Pressure
Characters: Douglas/Martin
Rating: PG-13/T
Word Count: 1173
Summary: Douglas hires Martin to help him move - but is all as it seems?
Captain Rentboy and the Van of (not so) Free Love
“So you don’t actually have anything for me to move.”
“No, no, Martin; I do have things to move, many of them; unfortunately, they’re otherwise occupied at the moment, being locked in the house.”
“To which you don’t have the key.”
“Quite.”
“Protected by an expensive, foolproof new alarm system.”
“Indeed.”
“Which Helena set up.”
“Exactly.”
“Right before she left on holiday to Tibet with her Tai Chi instructor.”
“Got it in one.”
“Without giving you the passcode.”
“Once more, Martin, I am astounded by your masterful grasp of the situation.”
Martin squinted; Martin frowned; Martin folded his arms across his chest and pursed his lips and jingled his keys conspicuously in his grasp. “Right. Well, in that case, I’d better be off; other customers and all that. Cheerio. The Hong Kong briefing’s Tuesday at 6:30; try not to be late.”
Had Martin not turned around to open the door at just that moment, he would have seen the gleam in Douglas’ eyes and would, like any rational person, have backed off and gotten safely away while he still had a chance.
Of course, being Martin, he did turn around, so he didn’t see the gleam in Douglas’ eyes, and therefore, when Douglas sprang his trap, Martin was still very much within hearing (and trapping) distance.
“Martin,” Douglas said, with a pleasant smile on his face. “Aren’t you forgetting something?”
Martin frowned and uncrossed his arms; Douglas could practically see his train of thought: van doors shut, check, keys, check, shoes tied, check, spare Captain’s hat stowed safely in glove compartment, check. All systems go: the Martinworld was all in its proper place.
“I don’t think so.”
“Hmm, no, of course you don’t. Well, Martin, I seem to remember paying you a rather generous sum of money for you to bring your van over here from two to four o’clock this afternoon.”
Martin made a face. “Oh - bother, Douglas, I’ll refund your money tomo-”
“But, Martin,” Douglas said- and this time Martin caught the gleam, but it was far, far too late for him to run- “I don’t want a refund; I want what I paid for.”
Martin, Douglas thought, really looked quite fetching when he was confused.
“Well, you paid for me to move all your worldly belongings from your house to your new flat, so unless you’ve figured out a way to either break in or teleport your belongings onto your front yard, it would seem you’re out of luck, but by all means, I will happily sit here and wait with you for the two hours you paid me for.”
“Good,” said Douglas.
“Good,” said Martin, and he slammed the door shut and slouched against the hood.
“Sure is hot,” said Martin a half hour later.
“Yes,” Douglas replied, wiping his sweaty hands on Martin’s t-shirt sleeve. “If only we had somewhere comfortable to sit - somewhere with soft, leather-covered seats and air-conditioning. What a shame.”
“I told you already, I’m not wasting petrol just so you can spite me in comfort. Besides, at least out here there’s things to look at.”
“Mmm.” Douglas leaned back against the bumper and shielded his eyes with his hand. “After all, I’m sure there’s absolutely nothing we could find to do in an empty cargo van on a deserted street. Nothing at all.”
Martin smiled. “Exactly!”
Douglas sighed. “Of course,” he said, “If, by chance, we did decide to adjourn to your van, I’m sure - eventually, of course - we could surely think of something to do.”
Martin looked at Douglas; he looked at the van; he looked back at Douglas again, and a dull flush crept up from his neck to his cheeks to the top of his forehead.
“No!”
“Martin-“
“No! Absolutely not! No!” Martin’s hands clutched together into fists reflexively and he bounced up from his seat on the bumper. “No!”
“Martin, don’t be ridiculous. You know perfectly well-”
“I am not having sex with you in my cargo van!”
“We just had sex yesterday in your bedroom, and you didn’t make a fuss like-”
“No! Douglas, that was - that was legitimate sex; I can’t have sex with you after you’ve paid me!” It just isn’t-” Martin took a breath, but his face only turned more purple. “It just isn’t on!”
Douglas, of course, had not been expecting immediate acquiescence; that would be too much to hope for, even for him. However, he had not come unprepared, and had in fact spent some time formulating several persuasive arguments appropriate to the occasion.
“Martin, you’re being ridiculous. It’s-”
“I am not a rentboy!”
Two houses down, one of the neighbors cracked open a window noisily. Martin glanced around in horror and jammed his hands inside his pockets.
“That’s it,” he hissed, his eyebrows furrowing forebodingly. “I’m - I’m leaving. No, no, I’m leaving, it’s no use trying to convince me; I’ll refund your money, but I will not have illicit sex with you in my van, and that’s final.”
Douglas stepped back and regarded him for a moment; then, with a shrug, he walked back two steps and nodded. “Very well,” he said. “Sir.”
Martin’s left eyebrow twitched. The corner of his mouth jerked up momentarily. “Well. Good.”
Douglas nodded. “After all, you are the captain, sir; far be it from me to question a command decision.”
It was, in fact, quite difficult to keep the sarcasm out of his voice, but Douglas managed it.
He had spent a good hour practicing beforehand, after all.
Martin’s blush receded faster than Douglas would have thought possible; his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down as he gulped, and his breathing grew the tiniest bit erratic.
“Oh Captain,” Douglas murmured, “My Captain.”
Martin gasped.
Victory.
“Well,” said Martin, glancing up and down the deserted street to make sure no one was in hearing distance, “It is rather hot today.”
“Indeed it is, sir.”
“And it would be unfair of me to leave a client…unsatisfied.”
“Positively churlish, Captain Crieff.”
Martin cleared his throat and took his keys out of his pocket. “I,” he said, “Am going to go inside the van and - take off my shirt. Because it’s hot. You’re welcome to join me, First Officer Richardson.”
Douglas grinned and followed Martin inside - making sure to snag the spare Captain’s hat from the glove compartment on his way.
You never knew when those would come in handy.
“Well,” said Douglas half an hour later. “The Crieff Delivery Service does not disappoint.”
They’d have to get dressed soon, he knew - one of the neighbors would get curious about the van sooner or later. And there was still the question of moving his things out of the house before Helena got home from work in an hour and a half; he’d have to convince Martin to help with that.
Douglas turned and regarded his captain; the man was sprawled, clad only in his socks, on the floor, a vacant, satisfied grin still on his face, his spare hat clutched in his hand.
Convincing Martin, Douglas knew, would not be difficult.