My soul is tainted.

[ficbitches]

WELCOME TO HELL :: The Greyarchive requests page

By Gunstar Heroine

SCORE
PLOT: -5/5 (When horny hopeless fanboys attack)
CHARACTERIZATION: 0/5 (As long as it SAYS so-and-so is screwing whoever, who cares?)
WRITING: 0/5 (They're almost as bad as the people who write the stuff)
LOSS OF FAITH IN HUMANITY: 15/5 (I feel dirty.)

SOOPER DOOPER UPDATE SPECTACULAR! We've been noticed! (copy and paste URL.) I feel so... special, maybe. While not as amusing as the Wild Lamb response, it's still an ironically funny read. The Bin Ladens of fanfiction hit again! (NOTE: That's US.)

My favorite part has to be when he asks people to "touch their bottons". I first I read that as "touch their bottoms," like they were requesting the authors to go all Schwarzenegger on us. XD

I also wonder why they never get as pissy when they get trashed on places like Something Awful and/or Portal of Evil. Oh well, you can't figure out the minds of these people.

Hellos. GH here to provide you with pain amusement whilst Leather Daddy is following up on the RPS stuff. We honestly didn't expect such a big turnout, so she's got her work really cut out for her. Remember, LD, you have nobody to blame but yourself. ^_-

Today's entry will also be different from the standard review. Instead, we'll be looking at part of a fic archive. Not just ANY fic archive, mind you...

If fanfiction.net is the Pit of Voles, then the best metaphor for the Greyarchive would be "The Evil Bottomless Swamp of Despair." For those of you who have (thankfully) never been there, the Greyarchive is a host for "erotic" fanfiction of many different persuasions, 99% of which is either mind-numbingly horrifying in content or contains a quality of writing that looks like the author was trying to type it all out as quickly as possible one-handed. Usually both.

The stuff on here ranges from the diamond-in-the-rough fic, which is actually readable and erotic, to the overwhelming majority of hideous crap. Where else on the web would you be able to find:

* Sailor Moon dickgirl epics ("Slutty Serenity")
* sadistic necrophiliac torture yarns featuring FFX's Lulu ("The Dam Breaks")
* Golden Axe ESL rapefic ("The Kidnapping of Tyris Flare")
* FF7 yuri fics that require a Rosetta Stone to read properly ("Tifa And Yuffie's 5 Nights of Passion" on the "older video game fics" page)
* Chrono Trigger orgies ("Tidings of Comfort and Joy" chapter 4, also on the older game fic page)
* The Little Mermaid sex slavery ("The Little Mermaid" found on the anime page), and
* La Blue Girl and Power Rangers Ninja Storm crossovers ("La Blue Storm")

Among many, many other things!

In fact, there's so much shit here it's almost impossible to pick out one single thing that would be scary enough for a review. So, we're not going to look at an actual completed fic today. Instead, we're going to be taking an extra special peek at one of the must stupifying portions of the whole mess - the Requests Page.

Prepare yourselves, folks, from here on, there's NO TURNING BACK.

Yes, this site has an anonymous request page, for those of you who have this great urge to see smut get written but feel like you don't actually have the talent to do it yourself. Of course, you don't need anything even resembling talent, creativity, or writing skill to get on the GA, but that's besides the point. While most of these requests aren't really "plot ideas" as much as "A fucks B in such-and-such manner" suggestions, some of them are gems of fucked-up fic concepts in and of themselves. (EDIT: My wonderful beta reader has informed me that there is an older requests page as well, with even MORE disasters waiting to happen. Aieee.)

Let's start out small:

"how about a FF7 story involving yuffie and vincent. yuffie goes to vincent asking him to help her increase the power of wutai's materia. but vincent doesn't want money or materia, he wants sex. yuffie desperate for help agrees. it would involve all of vincent's monster forms. maybe a little bdsm for his hellmasker form tho. "

Of course Vincent craves sex, but only because he's Cid's personal boytoy.

"Hey, this is a weird request, but i have been looking for erotica involving famous horror figures,especially jason voorhees and/or freddy kruger.
Anybody interested?"

Of course I'm interested in imagining what Jason's decomposing schlong looks like. Eew.

"How about a story based off the movie Lake Placid, the woman who was sent to study the giant crocodile become intimate with the male crocodile and has some fun with him? Also what about some stories based off the Jurassic Park movies, human/ dinosaur relationships? "

When I think of that awful movie, I think of the only redeeming factor - Betty White cussing like a sailor. Thus, when I read this, I get the image of her character and OH GOD LET'S STOP THERE

"Hey, calling all Bestiality writers there, how about:

FF7: the summon monsters get back at the FF7 girls
FF8: what the twin igiuons did to Rinoa
any n/c fic involving any FF8 girl and Cereberus"

I am not sure what the FF7 girls did to the summon monsters that would make them WANT to get revenge. Did they say Bahamut Zero couldn't get it up?

"me and my freinds want some simpsons storys i mean withall them charecters
im suprised no one done it all ready also we want more harry potter and if
you can the tekken seies ps if you can try some blue gender stories yugi and
marlene would be great."

I don't need to comment on this one, really.

Now we get into even more disturbing stuff:

I'd like to see a story with April O'Neil (from the classic TMNT
animated series, 'cause she looks a lot sexier than the designs for the
new series) where she gets kidnapped (again) and put through a nice long
series of brutal rapes and tortures (preferably with rack scenes), and
maybe even gets snuffed.

Of course, it is DEATHLY IMPORTANT that the writers include your kinks of choice. Otherwise how will you EVER be able to jerk to it properly?

"I would like to see a story with Miku and a ghost from the game Fatal Frame.
Non-consentual expected but not necessary."

Well, at least this guy gives some leeway.

"How about a story based of the cartoon "Dragon Tales"? The characters though are all adults. Emmy and her best friend Cassie have fun with each other, and so do Zak & Wheezie with themselves. Info on this show can be found at http://www.pbskids.org look for Dragon Tales. "

How sad it is that you want porn based on a PBS preschooler cartoon? Really, people...

"I also think that there aren't enough sorcerer hunters fics out there. I mean Tira and Chocolate are hot and sexy, yet there are hardly any fics about them. I would like to see them in a fic where they are raped by demons, monsters and the like, who made a contract with Carrot saying they can have Tira and Chocolate for as long as they want, so Carrot can go out and try and score without Tira and Chocolate's interference. of course if you want to get technical about where are Marron and Gateau? they would be in a separate chapter. in a sex scene and all, namely for the yaoi fans out there. the fic wouldn't have Carrot's exploits though, (namely because he probably wouldn't get a date) it would stick to Tira and Chocolate."

And this guy's equal opportunity! Though I'm sure there would be a few yaoi gurlz wanting to see Marron and Gateau get hot demon lovin' too. Ack.

"I am suprised no one has written a fic based on the persona series of games by Atlus for the ps1 :) lots of options for stories expecially demon/girl sex etc"

This one's for the other bitches! XD

"Dear writers,
Do you know The videogame "Nintendo Starfox Adventure"?
Very sensuous vixen called Krystal appears in the game.
I want to read the lemon with which she is raped/trained by the enemy "General Scales."
If you use your wonderful literary talent and the lemon is written, I will think that I am very glad.
Please consider if you please. "

I get a feeling this one was Babelfished. Scary fanboys are truly a worldwide phenomenon.

"I like many stories you have here. I would like to know? Are there any stories in here about Superheriones. Fighting Evil in the Nude. Do you have stories about Superheriones who are always sexy erotic total naked at all times? If you don't. I would like someone to have someone right a story about a woman who was a former Environmentalist that get's a Toxic chemical spill in her body. Turning her into a total naked Plant woman. Never able to wear any clothing ever again. She fights other Naked Villians and along the weight finds alleys. You can create charcters like Water Woman and Iron woman and Lava lady From Hawaii. Hey I'm making this up. I'm not a good writer. I just like to be Entertained. Nudity is what I want to read with erotic sex and explicit violence. Thank you. "

I like Capital letters in Random places.
So she runs around naked fighting other naked people and finds alleys, probably for screwing the monster-of-the-day in. Right. I also find READING nudity an oxymoron - isn't nudity really something that's more meant to be seen?

I'd love to see a story in which Troi and other Star
Trek women, including Beverly Crusher, are stranded on
a planet several weeks away from help. The women start
to feel ill and Crusher discovers there is a fungus on
the planet that will kill the women, the only ones
affected, before help can arrive. There is no cure on
the planet. The only treatment available is the
proteins in male semen, and to survive they will each
need to ingest as much as possible, from as many
sources as possible. And to keep the men from becoming
impotent in their concern, they have to conceal the
reason for the activities. Perhaps Crusher *can*
create an aphrodisiac for the men and slip in into
their rations. So for weeks they have to make
themselves orally available to every available man, as
often as they can manage to get them interested. Data
would not be of any use in the story... he's not
likely to generate proteins! But poor Barclay can
finally have the real Troi instead of the holodeck
version...

I dunno what it is with lemon fic writers and their idea that semen is the magic cure-all for all these made-up afflictions. We all know that it's not the semen as much as... well, you know.

And now for some real kickers:

"I would like to see this oddball Harry Potter idea in story form: As they
enter adolescence and begin to discover their sexuality, Ron and Harry begin
to develop, shall we say, unusual tastes after being forced by Draco and his
gang to watch Hermione and Cho Chang have sex (willing or otherwise) with
them. As much as it shames and angers them, Ron and Harry find themselves
becoming addicted to it, mistakingly linking their constant, youthful
horniness to the sight of their crushes being ravished by their nemeses. It
eventually drives them to seek solace in each other's hands. Further, Harry
decides to use the Mirror of Erised to aid in visualizing his fantasies of
cuckoldry. The Mirror draws deeply from his psyche and produces an illusion
of Lily Potter being enslaved sexually by Lord Voldemort and his Death
Eaters, which horrifies Harry at first but spellbinds him soon after. Harry
then introduces Ron to the Mirror, seducing him with visions of his mother
Molly Weasley, as well as his sister Ginny, subjected to the same sordid
treatments. Will the two now seek to become Voldemort's servants in order
to realize their fantasies, or will they manage to keep their demons at bay?
If anyone is interested in fleshing out this idea with me, feel free to
e-mail me at xxxxxxxx@msn.com -- thank you."

All the Snape-slash crap Leather Daddy and the others have forced upon me has disgusted and jaded me towards HP fic, but, uh... dear Lord. Harry and Ron becoming teenage voyeurs of their family members. I really feel sorry for Ms. Rowling and the shit her creations are subjected to sometimes.

"I'd really like a Final Fantasy X story that pairs Lulu and Rikku, and them
only (no one else joins in or watches, it's a private moment).

In the story, Rikku challenged Lulu to a private Oil Wrestling match (it
could be an Al Behd tradition or something). Lulu accepts, and they go to an
indoor arena. After oiling each other up and wearing tiny bikkinis (you
could have Rikku fight in her FFX-2 outfit, but I don't want Lulu pregnant).
They start oil wrestling each other for a long period, eventually stripping
each other's outfits. After a while, they start to get aroused, and engage
in a love making session right on the mat. They roll around in the oil, and
go into a 69 (comment on how sticky the oil is, and how it's hard to stay on
a 69 with the slippery oil).

After a while, they go to a nearby indoor pool to wash off the oil. It's
here where Rikku decides to see if she can make Lulu orgasm by only sucking
and fondling her large breasts. After succeeding, Lulu tries the same on
Rikku's breasts, and then they engage on a 69 breast sucking to make the
other cum.

Finally, they share a bed together, and have one more love session. Here,
they use a double sided dildo, and try to see who can make the other cum
first.

I really like this paring, and love oil wrestling. This story could combine
sex with competition, which I think could be really fun to read. And later
you could do a sequel staring Tifa and Yuffie."

Because every time I think of Final Fantasy, I immediately think "LESBIAN OIL WRESTLING!" I have to wonder why this guy isn't cranking it out himself, considering the amount of detail and specifics he's put into the request. Then again, this not being written is good thing.

And finally:

"I would like to formally request a rugrats lemon. including the entire group in a massuve orgy. please make it well written with a plot.by the way this is a challenge so lets see if anyone has the skill to step up to the bat.
Archive owners note: I never ever thought i'd see the day someone wanted a hardcore lemon based on rugrats, i mean wow, I mean ugh, oh well if someone writes it I will post it whatever my personal feelings are, someone has a very sick mind :/"

When the owner of this hellhole thinks your idea is awful, I'd say it's a pretty good indication that you are one fucked-up human being.

EDIT: These were too good to leave out.

"I think a good request would be a story about a woman who transforms
into a motorcycle every time she has her "cycle" and becuase of this she and
her boyfriend become superheros durring this time and he rides his special
motorcycle to battle justice."

It's like a very, very wrong version of Turbo Teen. I certainly find the concept of menstruation-based superpowers to be... um, interesting?

"Shit. Hey, bad guy, can you come back in about nine months? I sort of knocked my bike up." (Random friend person, I love you.)

"How about a story where Kimberly Hart(Mighty Morphin Power Rangers) and
Trini Kwan(Mighty Morphin Power Rangers) and Delphine(Mighty Morphin
Alien Rangers(Formerly Mighty Morphin Power Rangers)) and Katherine
Hillard(Mighty Morphin Power Rangers/Power Rangers Zeo/Power Rangers
Turbo) and Ashley Hammond(Power Rangers Turbo/Power Rangers In Space)
and Cassie Chan(Power Rangers Turbo/Power Rangers In Space) and Kendrix
Morgan(Power Ranger Lost Galaxy) and Karone(Formerly Astronema(Power
Rangers In Space/Power Rangers Lost Galaxy) and Maya(Power Rangers Lost
Galaxy) and Angela FairWeather(Power Rangers LightSpeed Rescue) and
Kelsey WinSlow(Power Rangers LightSpeed Rescue) and Dana Mitchell(Power
Rangers LightSpeed Rescue) has to do Santa Clause separtley and
together! "

uh...what?

"I want a Outlaw/Tenchi Muyo crossover where Tenchi and Ayeka get struck with Jim Hawkings, Gene Starwind, Melfina, Suzuka, Aisha Clanclan and a mysterious brown-haired, ponytailed terran woman named Lieutenant Soldangel Korvzan. They has a adventure where they are struck on a planet called Dvorak and the only way off is to ovewrthrow the corrupt goverment."

"I can't even write MY OWN Mary Sue!"

And this is only a handful of what is to be found. If you feel adventurous, by all means check the requests page for yourself and see what true horrors lurk deep within the hearts of mankind. Just be warned: You won't be the same afterwards.

One last thing: The Greyarchive also has a forum. As brave of souls as we are, dear readers, there are some things and some places that are too fargone for even us to handle.

*** ADDENDUM ***

Hey, Rebel Toy here. Administrative blather following this important announcement:

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

I'm playing bitchmommy today, and all of you need a fucking spanking. I'm not annoyed because we were spammed by dozens of anonymous posters, or because someone dared to disagree with our mighty opinions, or because we were laughed at in the GA forums. (Oh no! Our bitchy siteful of deviants was mocked by an even larger and more fucked up siteful of deviants!) No, chillens, I'm irritated because of the ridiculous amount of misunderstandings, misapprehensions, oversensitive whining, and personal accusations/insults I saw in the comments. Do you LIKE flamewars? So I'm going to clarify some things in an effort to restore the peace.

** Due to a few (anonymous) complaints from, one assumes, the sensitive and chaste denizens of the Grey Archive, we have added "warning" text to this site, both in the sidebar and in our profile. Some ass monkey in the comments was scandalized by its lack of prominence, and apparently this poor individual also had to scroll down to see it. Too bad. This site does not NEED a warning. There are people on LJ who post pr0n of themselves daily. There are communities like pee_erotic (DO NOT CLICK). Our site is not even comparable. We decided to add the warning, as requested, because it's easily done and hell, there might be some people out there dumb enough to go to a site with the word "bitch" in the URL and then be shocked by vulgar content. Since this warning is not something we need, nor something we care much about, I guess people with inexplicably tiny resolutions are just going to have to scroll.

** This site is not against the LJ ToS. We're not harassing authors, nor do we encourage harassment. We have never tried to get a site shut down or a fic removed from the net; we don't say negative things about authors outside of the context of their fanfiction, purposely try to injure anyone's feelings, or otherwise attempt to harm anyone. All we do is publicly voice our opinions. I don't see the Thought Police out there forcing you to agree with us. Nobody's stopping you from making your own webpage where you worship the fics we hate, or insult us, or whatever. Stop being such fucking whiny little tards.

** This may or may not surprise our readers, but we, the ficbitches, like fanfiction. I would go so far as to say some of us love fanfiction. All of us read way too much of it, and most of us at least attempt to write it. When I read a good fic that made me all squishy inside, I'm a happy ball of sparkly fluff for hours. I've read fic that made me cry, fic that was superior to canon, and fic that made me get up and hop around my living room squeaking when I finished it because it was that fucking good. It's disappointing when you read something and it was only enjoyable for complaining about. We don't run this site because we like to hurt people's feelings, because we hate fanfic, or because we enjoy smacking down college freshmen who can't spell (okay, well, we do enjoy that; wtf is wrong with you people?! how did you graduate high school?!). We run this site because we enjoy reading fanfic that we consider "good" and we hope to promote more of what we personally like.

** To the Grey Archive people who accused us of prematurely judging their domain -- my dear perverts, we've been reading the GA for years. We go there all the time when we're bored. Sometimes we're surprised by quality. Sometimes we laugh. Sometimes we feel ill or frightened. Sometimes we just end up confused. However, be assured that we are very familiar with the site and its content, and we did not judge it "based on one page." We note that some of you made a snap judgement of us, though... We found it very amusing when we were accused of having some kind of GRRL POWER feminist stance against porn... since we all read porn. We collect porn. We write and draw porn. Het, slash, femslash, whatever. Please be assured that if we are amused or horrified by your GA fic, it is not because it had sex in it.

** We are human and have squicks, and some of the stuff on the Grey Archive really squicks us. (That Lulu fic probably gave me the most distubing mental image I've had in months.) It squicks a LOT of people. I don't know how else to put this: y'all are fucked up. Porn is normal. Lesbian porn is normal. Lesbian sodomy torture snuff lemons -- not so normal. Please do not get on your high horses about how we have no right to say you can't think cannibalism rape porn is highly erotic. We're not saying you don't have a right to beat off to it. Go ahead. What we ARE saying it that it's fucked up, and if you fantasize about violent rape and people being sodomized to death, we'd really rather stay far away from you. We're not accusing you of being about to run out and commit a crime; we assume you can separate fantasy from reality. You're just very creepy.

** Also in regard to the Grey Archive: we have no problem with the site or its content existing in general. Despite our personal reactions to some of the fics, they have a right to be posted. As Leather Daddy said earlier, we are strongly against censorship of any kind; fics that make us ill have a right to exist. And we have a right to point and go "eww." It's like when you're a kid and you find a squished, rotting dead cat out in the street: you just GOTTA show your friends! But as for the GA itself... everyone needs community, including deviants. We are touched by the webmaster's dedication to serving and attempting to protect his community, which is why I have removed the direct links that he was upset about; I personally still don't feel that the issue WAS an issue, but Jason, if that floats your boat, then whatever. We did appreciate your offer to be interviewed, but we don't see any need: our purpose is to review and discuss fanfic and writing. We're not a hard-hitting fandom news team. But thanks.

These replies have become far too long and you probably stopped reading several pages ago, so I'll end my rant by making this point: we don't care if people don't like us, or we get fandom_wanked, or whatever, so long as we were properly understood. Misunderstandings and lj_drama in our comments are very frustrating.

--rebel toy