Harry Potter::Fuck Like An Egyptian
Harry Potter :: Fuck Like An Egyptian
Review by: Golden Crotch
PLOT: 1/5
CHARACTERIZATION: 1/5
WRITING: 4/5
NOSTRIL ABUSE: 5/5
NOTES FROM LEATHER DADDY:
And another guest review, this time from Golden Crotch! I have a few housekeeping issues to address before we get on to the review itself.
1) Emailing us: We answer. Really. But please be patient. I apologize for the delays! The email-answering duty has been unfairly delegated to a few, and I'm trying to remember to do my part in answering email.
2) Guest Reviews: Send them in, but please be willing to accept feedback on them - they may or may not be posted.
3) Is Leather Daddy some kind of sick masochist who gets pleasure out of reading really terrible fics? I heard that! And yes, yes I am. Considering what I do in the real world, it's almost pleasant to come home and gouge my eyes out after reading a Harry Potter hermaphrodite mpreg fic. And no, that wasn't a hypothetical example; the father is Snape, and the, uh, mother was Harry himself.
And now, on with the review!
Before reading this review there are two things you need to know about me: 1) I prefer het to yaoi and 2) Harry Potter fandom scares me.
Now it’s time for the review.
Our story so far (3 paragraphs): Hermione is sitting in the library waiting for Draco to finish using the book she needs for her homework.
Annoyed, Hermione felt a tickle in her nose, and reached up with the end of her pencil to scratch the outside of her nostril. A moment later, she jumped as Malfoy dropped the huge tome on the table in front of him. The pencil slipped, and she cringed as the eraser slipped into her nose. She dropped the pencil and tensed, awaiting the barrage of verbal abuse, the taunts she was sure were about to follow.
Tome? Tome? Obscure vocabulary alert!
But he didn’t say a word. He just smiled, and leaned forward, and licked his bottom lip suggestively. "You know, Granger, there are better things to stick in that particular orifice."
Orifice? Obscure vocabulary alert #2. Does anyone even talk that way? Anyone? No, didn’t think so.
You shall see the orifice he’s talking about shortly.
Draco pointed his wand at her nose and Hermione heard him whisper, slowly and sensuously, an engorgement charm.
She felt her nose begin to grow.
Then, before she could cry out, Draco had eased her gently back onto the library table, deftly unzipping his fly and kissing her once before pulling his - well, what Lavender and Pavarti always spoke of as a "love truncheon" - but really, it did seem a bit of a silly way to put it.
Truncheon: obscure vocabulary alert #3! Would Lavender or Parvati even know what that word means?
He pulled his "love truncheon" -- where? Out? wn? Out from under the table? This is also a run-on sentence. If you can’t read it out-loud without taking a breath (or in my case, having fits of laughter) then it’s probably too long.
Try this for a rewrite: "Then, before she could cry out, Draco had eased her gently back onto the library table, deftly unzipping his fly. He pulled out his - well, what Lavender and Parvati always spoke of as a "love truncheon" - but really, what a silly thing to call it."
Oh dear. I can’t believe I actually rewrote something like that.
"Do I make you horny, baby? Do I make you randy? Do you want it, baby?" he asked breathlessly.
Draco Malfoy has obviously been channeling Austin Powers.
She opened her mouth as he lifted himself toward her face, feeling a surge of joy - how long had she dreamed of this happening? Then, as she arched her neck to take the throbbing organ into her mouth (she wondered, briefly, how she would fit the long, hard shaft past her lips), he plunged it deep, deep down…into her nostril.
He put it where? My brain is breaking.
She screamed with pleasure as Draco grabbed her ears, thrusting his thumbs deep into the warm, moist cavities of her inner ear. She heard him moan, and echoed it with her own soft cry of unexpected pleasure. She began to nod her head slowly, in time to the rhythms of Draco’s grinding hips, and she knew she was going white-knuckled from gripping the edges of the table so securely. She felt the pressure building in his cock, and her own nasal passage was threatening to burst.
He thrust his thumbs into her inner ears? I see! Draco’s evil plan is to make Hermione deaf.
And then it did, and Hermione felt the barrage of Draco’s hot love juices flowing into her sinuses. As he pulled out, leaning once more down to kiss her, she tasted the sweet, tangy flavor of the creamy product of their passion as it surged up into her mouth and passed through his tender lips, open and accepting of all she had to give him. Hermione herself came in floods from the sheer joy of having his tongue dueling acrobatically with hers.
I have no words.
Draco pointed at her still-stretched and aching nostril. "Shall I see to that?" he asked.
"I think you already have," Hermione replied with a coy smile.
"No, but should I put it to rights, I mean?"
She shook her head. "I’d rather keep it. So I know this," she gestured between them, "wasn’t just a wonderful dream."
Ah yes. Nothing is more wonderful than having semen in your nostril.
Of course, then I read this:
"i'd like to dedicate this fic to all the hermione/draco 'shippers out there, and point out that the only thing twisted about this relationship is that it's bloody het. draco is such an effeminate , racist little pansy that he'd not be caught dead putting any of his anatomy into any of herm's. she's a mudblood. hell, parents in wizarding families of good repute probably tell their sons that sticking 'it' in a mudblood will make it fall off. he really may as well sleep with crookshanks; that would be a more believable relationship."
So, this fic is supposed to make us cringe? Okay, I can (sort of) deal with that since works very, very well. However, I have other issues.
Leaving aside the distracting lack of capital letters, which point is the author complaining about? Is she complaining because Draco/Hermione is a het relationship or is she complaining because she thinks that this relationship would be out of character? Now, if she’s complaining about #2, perhaps she has a point.
I agree that Draco showing interest in Hermione is unlikely (although the popular Snape/Hermione is more unlikely). However, fanfiction is just that - fiction created by fans. All fanfic is unlikely. There are less than six canon pairings that I can think of: James/Lily, Arthur/Molly, Harry/Cho, Cedric/Cho and Lucius/Narcissa. Anything else, even Ron/Hermione, is not canon (yet).
Het pairings are just as likely (actually, more likely) than the slash pairings. The author wrote a Lucius/Harry fic, which is more unlikely than Draco/Hermione in my opinion. Hermione is a Muggle and so is Lily. Therefore, the argument should be the same for Lucius/Harry. Apparently slash pairings can break the rules that het pairings can’t. Since I do prefer het to yaoi, this double standard drives me crazy.
As for Draco/Crookshanks - well, there is a Siruis/Buckbeak fic out there somewhere. I just can’t remember where.
Review by: Golden Crotch
PLOT: 1/5
CHARACTERIZATION: 1/5
WRITING: 4/5
NOSTRIL ABUSE: 5/5
NOTES FROM LEATHER DADDY:
And another guest review, this time from Golden Crotch! I have a few housekeeping issues to address before we get on to the review itself.
1) Emailing us: We answer. Really. But please be patient. I apologize for the delays! The email-answering duty has been unfairly delegated to a few, and I'm trying to remember to do my part in answering email.
2) Guest Reviews: Send them in, but please be willing to accept feedback on them - they may or may not be posted.
3) Is Leather Daddy some kind of sick masochist who gets pleasure out of reading really terrible fics? I heard that! And yes, yes I am. Considering what I do in the real world, it's almost pleasant to come home and gouge my eyes out after reading a Harry Potter hermaphrodite mpreg fic. And no, that wasn't a hypothetical example; the father is Snape, and the, uh, mother was Harry himself.
And now, on with the review!
Before reading this review there are two things you need to know about me: 1) I prefer het to yaoi and 2) Harry Potter fandom scares me.
Now it’s time for the review.
Our story so far (3 paragraphs): Hermione is sitting in the library waiting for Draco to finish using the book she needs for her homework.
Annoyed, Hermione felt a tickle in her nose, and reached up with the end of her pencil to scratch the outside of her nostril. A moment later, she jumped as Malfoy dropped the huge tome on the table in front of him. The pencil slipped, and she cringed as the eraser slipped into her nose. She dropped the pencil and tensed, awaiting the barrage of verbal abuse, the taunts she was sure were about to follow.
Tome? Tome? Obscure vocabulary alert!
But he didn’t say a word. He just smiled, and leaned forward, and licked his bottom lip suggestively. "You know, Granger, there are better things to stick in that particular orifice."
Orifice? Obscure vocabulary alert #2. Does anyone even talk that way? Anyone? No, didn’t think so.
You shall see the orifice he’s talking about shortly.
Draco pointed his wand at her nose and Hermione heard him whisper, slowly and sensuously, an engorgement charm.
She felt her nose begin to grow.
Then, before she could cry out, Draco had eased her gently back onto the library table, deftly unzipping his fly and kissing her once before pulling his - well, what Lavender and Pavarti always spoke of as a "love truncheon" - but really, it did seem a bit of a silly way to put it.
Truncheon: obscure vocabulary alert #3! Would Lavender or Parvati even know what that word means?
He pulled his "love truncheon" -- where? Out? wn? Out from under the table? This is also a run-on sentence. If you can’t read it out-loud without taking a breath (or in my case, having fits of laughter) then it’s probably too long.
Try this for a rewrite: "Then, before she could cry out, Draco had eased her gently back onto the library table, deftly unzipping his fly. He pulled out his - well, what Lavender and Parvati always spoke of as a "love truncheon" - but really, what a silly thing to call it."
Oh dear. I can’t believe I actually rewrote something like that.
"Do I make you horny, baby? Do I make you randy? Do you want it, baby?" he asked breathlessly.
Draco Malfoy has obviously been channeling Austin Powers.
She opened her mouth as he lifted himself toward her face, feeling a surge of joy - how long had she dreamed of this happening? Then, as she arched her neck to take the throbbing organ into her mouth (she wondered, briefly, how she would fit the long, hard shaft past her lips), he plunged it deep, deep down…into her nostril.
He put it where? My brain is breaking.
She screamed with pleasure as Draco grabbed her ears, thrusting his thumbs deep into the warm, moist cavities of her inner ear. She heard him moan, and echoed it with her own soft cry of unexpected pleasure. She began to nod her head slowly, in time to the rhythms of Draco’s grinding hips, and she knew she was going white-knuckled from gripping the edges of the table so securely. She felt the pressure building in his cock, and her own nasal passage was threatening to burst.
He thrust his thumbs into her inner ears? I see! Draco’s evil plan is to make Hermione deaf.
And then it did, and Hermione felt the barrage of Draco’s hot love juices flowing into her sinuses. As he pulled out, leaning once more down to kiss her, she tasted the sweet, tangy flavor of the creamy product of their passion as it surged up into her mouth and passed through his tender lips, open and accepting of all she had to give him. Hermione herself came in floods from the sheer joy of having his tongue dueling acrobatically with hers.
I have no words.
Draco pointed at her still-stretched and aching nostril. "Shall I see to that?" he asked.
"I think you already have," Hermione replied with a coy smile.
"No, but should I put it to rights, I mean?"
She shook her head. "I’d rather keep it. So I know this," she gestured between them, "wasn’t just a wonderful dream."
Ah yes. Nothing is more wonderful than having semen in your nostril.
Of course, then I read this:
"i'd like to dedicate this fic to all the hermione/draco 'shippers out there, and point out that the only thing twisted about this relationship is that it's bloody het. draco is such an effeminate , racist little pansy that he'd not be caught dead putting any of his anatomy into any of herm's. she's a mudblood. hell, parents in wizarding families of good repute probably tell their sons that sticking 'it' in a mudblood will make it fall off. he really may as well sleep with crookshanks; that would be a more believable relationship."
So, this fic is supposed to make us cringe? Okay, I can (sort of) deal with that since works very, very well. However, I have other issues.
Leaving aside the distracting lack of capital letters, which point is the author complaining about? Is she complaining because Draco/Hermione is a het relationship or is she complaining because she thinks that this relationship would be out of character? Now, if she’s complaining about #2, perhaps she has a point.
I agree that Draco showing interest in Hermione is unlikely (although the popular Snape/Hermione is more unlikely). However, fanfiction is just that - fiction created by fans. All fanfic is unlikely. There are less than six canon pairings that I can think of: James/Lily, Arthur/Molly, Harry/Cho, Cedric/Cho and Lucius/Narcissa. Anything else, even Ron/Hermione, is not canon (yet).
Het pairings are just as likely (actually, more likely) than the slash pairings. The author wrote a Lucius/Harry fic, which is more unlikely than Draco/Hermione in my opinion. Hermione is a Muggle and so is Lily. Therefore, the argument should be the same for Lucius/Harry. Apparently slash pairings can break the rules that het pairings can’t. Since I do prefer het to yaoi, this double standard drives me crazy.
As for Draco/Crookshanks - well, there is a Siruis/Buckbeak fic out there somewhere. I just can’t remember where.