FIC FOR GREATFOUNTAIN (part 2)
For: greatfountain
From: sekky_chan
Title: I'll treat you like a stolen glance at myself
Pairings/Characters: Ueda, Koki. 6!KAT-TUN's member-whatever
Rating: PG
Warnings: Strange characters, strange logics, strange behaviors. Obnoxious teddy bears. Mentions of aliens. Tongue twister.
Summary: Here's the summary about Ueda: he doesn't believe in naivety, honest and trust. He has detached himself from his family. His so-called best friend is probably evil. His moral boundaries lie further than lying and manipulating. So he despites people like Koki. Especially people like Koki. The very person that is residing in his apartment, thanks to Nakamaru.
Notes:
- It's been great fun to write this for greatfountain, I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Thanks for my beta and others for being there when I was in distress. You guys are, as always, awesome.
- This fic is set during Junior era, some time between 2004-2005.
- Footnotes for the references can be found at the end of the fic.
part 1 || part 2
“Uebo~” Koki called him from inside the elevator. He has started using nicknames, Ueda thought, and it was nothing but a bad thing. He heard Nakamaru chuckle and turned around to give him a glare.
Nakamaru still smiled indifferently and looked straight ahead, as Koki jogged over to catch up with them. They slowed down to wait for him.
“Here,” Koki dropped an anklet into Ueda’s palm and beamed at him his afternoon defeating grin. “I found it tangled in the blankets this morning.”
“Oh. Thanks.”
“Wow, Ueda-kun.” Nakamaru sing-songed. Ueda just narrowed his eyes at him.
“Spit it out and I punch you in the mouth, Nakamaru.” Koki didn’t really help matter when he reached over to adjust Ueda’s scarf and collar. He batted the small hands away and caught pouting lips in the corner of his eyes.
Ueda sighed, for the two hundred and four thousand time since they started living together.
Next to them, Nakamaru was still snickering, obviously pleased with himself. Evil, Ueda thought. Just pure evil.
The day started out quite well, except for the fact that Nakamaru has been shooting him amusing looks here and there. During scheduled meeting, amusing looks. During warm up practices, amusing looks. Standing behind him in assemblence, amusing looks, and a few smirks so obvious Ueda could feel them on his nape.
Akanishi was trying, for the tenth time since break, that he did not mean to hang out with Taguchi the previous night… They just coincidentally went to the same restaurant, and Taguchi had spotted him and came over without invitation! He didn't even know Taguchi ate human food before that, to be honest.
Nobody said anything. It wasn’t like they really care. Nobody did, except for a grinning Taguchi.
“But Jin~ We had so much fun together! You even stood up and started singing Zard when I asked!”
Ueda wondered if half of this group was actually evil and just playing the fools for shits and giggles. Taguchi’s “innocence” would go nicely with Nakamaru, if anything.
“I hate you, Taguchi.” Jin announced unhappily.
“I love you too.”
Off to his left, Kamenashi was staring at his phone, pressing rapidly on buttons like he was having a texting battle with someone, but he could still twist around during gaps to shoot death glares interchangeably between Akanishi and Taguchi.
“I hate both of you. I was stuck at home doing my homework and you guys were out wrecking some bar.”
Akanishi gasped. “It was a motsunabe restaurant! Beside, you’re too up-tight for anything like partying anyway.”
“Oh, so it’s my fault now that you went out with Taguchi, of all people? Ueda has Koki at his feet now and Nakamaru has his soccer game machine down the streets, and I only have like forty pages of 'How I would invest my monthly allowance' to entertain myself! You’d think it’s a decency to at least call me to hit up at a restaurant on a Sunday night.”
Unfazed by Kamenashi’s offhand insult, Nakamaru wriggled around from the couch to throw a bemused look at Ueda (and Koki, who was sitting by Ueda’s feet, literally). “Yeah, Ueda-kun and Koki are so close now, I feel left out.” He said, couldn’t hide the smugness off his tone. “Koki even finds Ueda’s bracelets that get lost in the blankets for him.”
“Good grief what were you guys even doing?”
“Shut up, all of you.” Ueda snapped, and they all laughed. All except Koki.
His ringtone rang across their small circle, so he stood up and excused himself out of the room. Nobody caught the split-second telltales, but Ueda. Koki’s rigid shoulders, his big eyes widened as he peeked at the numbers, the way he scrambled up on his feet and his face turned slightly white.
Ueda’s eyes followed him until he has disappeared behind to sliding door. Everything in the background suddenly became dim, all the chattering, laughing away, and Nakamaru’s curious stare at him and then at the door and then back at him...
Ueda knew. He thought, again! and he suddenly wanted to stand up and run to the door, to find Koki, so that if he ended up crying again…
And then what? And then what, Ueda? He searched, and he didn’t find the answer.
So he forced himself to look away.
Koki was a guy. A spoiled brat with rather good sense of humor and twisted English skill, but still a guy. He could handle it himself. Whatever it was. Ueda was also a guy. And guys didn’t do emotional talk with each other. Not Ueda, at least.
Ueda’s little boastful moment that he was the only person to notice Koki’s glitch came irrelevant just as when Koki came back.
The instructors probably didn’t notice it, but the five of them did. They watched as Koki returned to his position- the choreography this time required him in front.
Ueda has been in front before. He was, after all, the leader. Or whatever closest to that word meant. They have all been in front before. The center position, above everyone else. You got the most spotlights, most camera shots. But it was also a horrible position to hold. He didn’t know about the others, but when it was Ueda in front, he felt terribly lonely.
Scared. Like if you were standing behind, if you forgot a move you could look up to the person in front of you. If you made a mistake, someone would cover it for you. But being in front? You were all alone. Your mistakes were yours to make. You had nobody to back you up.
And Ueda thought how badly Koki needed to be surrounded by people right now, not standing up there alone.
Koki’s whole frame was stiff, shoulders trying to keep from shrinking. He was as white as a sheet and as Nakamaru has noted as they stood together in the back line, Koki was trembling.
“He looks like he’s about to burst.” Taguchi whispered urgently as they side-stepped across each other.
Kamenashi and Akanishi side-stepped as well, lanky arms swinging to either sides. “What’s wrong with him?”
“I wonder.”
They did the routine three more times, each time halfway through because Koki of all people screwed up a move. As one of the instructors called him over to slash it in his face, the five of them stood in the back, watching Koki, head down, wiping sweat off his face. He looked like his mind wasn’t even on the planet anymore.
Nakamaru exhaled heavily next to Ueda.
“Maybe… I don’t know. He doesn’t get like that unless he gets dumped or something.”
“Does anyone know if he was seeing any girl? You know, since the last one?”
Taguchi made an unrelated ballet-like twirl on his toes as he spoke. “Not one I could think of.” Akanishi threw him a weird look.
“Stop doing that, you’re freaking me out!”
“Anyway. Ueda, don’t you have any idea?”
He ran his hand over his face in what he hoped to be an indulgent gesture. The look he shot at Nakamaru was not so much. “Dude, you’re his best friend. Stop asking me questions about him, I have no idea.”
Nakamaru shrugged. “You guys seem to have gotten along well. Beside, he’s staying with you.”
“I play catch with him! Do you know what that means? I might as well buy a collar and leash and have a nametag just for him.”
“Wow, kinky.”
“Shut up, Akanishi Jin, or I'll pound you in the face.”
“Personally, Uepi,” Taguchi butted in, still dancing on his own. “I think you need to look angrier so the threat will work better. Kazuya always looks like he’s about to tear us a new one when he’s mad.”
“Can’t you ask your fairies to spy on him or something?”
They all turned to look at Akanishi, and he looked back at each of them in turn, big black eyes wide open, confused. But then his eyes drifted off of them, and he uttered a single “Ah.”
They swirled around following his pointing finger just as Koki exploded. Ueda couldn’t quite catch what he was screaming back at the instructor, but then he turned and ran away, slamming the sliding door as he left.
Ueda sighed. Some day they might need to teach Koki about proper manners. You couldn’t just run away from the problems. He noted the irony of it, about his situation, and his mother, and his father, and Hara…
Well, at least he didn’t bail whenever he felt 'rebellious'.
The practice was canceled that afternoon, but Koki never came back. It was running pass six. Taguchi was clutching at his (new) controller, staring mournfully at the bag Koki has left behind, lips jutting out in a way that made people want to throw a shoe at him. Kamenashi paced back and forth, texting furiously. Akanishi called his bunch of friends, incidentally were all Koki’s classmates (Ueda wondered if Akanishi knew of any of his classmates, and shuddered at the thought), but they, too, had no idea where he might be.
Nakamaru flipped his phone shut in frustration.
“Nobody at his house picks up.”
“Odd.”
“It is. They didn’t call or anything ever since he came to Ueda’s place either. Knowing his mom and brothers they would be making huge fuzz if he ever walked out of their sight.”
“Big baby,” Ueda muttered under his breath, feeling frustrated for no reasons.
He remembered the way Koki letting him petting his hair and nuzzled up his leg and stared at him with big eyes under his fringe and he felt even more frustrated. Some inexplicable itch, like insects crawling their ways up his middle. He didn’t know why. Koki has always been the troublesome one. He has disappeared before, and then he always came back. It was no big deal. It shouldn’t be.
And yet. And yet.
He sighed, leaning back against the mirror running along the wall, watching the others pacing, worrying disguised as irritation. They were not supposed to be worried about each other, no. They were merely kids who got thrown together and kept because people liked seeing them at each other’s throat. Somehow. They weren’t even sure if they would stay together until the end. Until… something.
He felt frustrated because he was feeling frustrated.
What has Koki said? Hop three times, and all your distress goes away.
Hop three times.
And then.
Oh.
A familiar ringtone echoed between them. They all looked around and finally at Koki’s bag. Taguchi looked a little put out, before hesitantly picked it up. Four pairs of eyes followed his movements.
“Yes, this is Koki’s phone. He’s not here tho--”
“Oh.”
“Hospital? Where…”
Taguchi fell silent as he listened on. Ueda felt his stomach wrenching, the fatigue hitting again. Hospital? What? What was going on? Has Koki run out and got in an accident or something.
Something.
Nakamaru has come to stand next to Taguchi, brows furrowing, lips compressing. He gripped at his own phone. Taguchi was talking on the phone, but he stared up at Nakamaru and they shared a look.
“Oh okay. We’ll find him and send him there. Okay.” As he flipped the phone shut, Taguchi turned around to look at each of them.
“Uhm. I think we need to find Koki. It’s about his mom.”
Ueda buckled up as Nakamaru settled in the passenger seat, dumping both their bags in the back. The car made a screeching sound as he whirled it around, heading out to the street.
“Ugh, I’ll make his life miserable once I found him.” Nakamaru mumbled.
Ueda shrugged.
“I might know where he is.”
“Really?”
“Has he ever taken you to that place… the dock?”
He saw Nakamaru shook his head from the corner of his eyes. The car made a rumbling sound as Ueda sped up.
“He has never told me about no dock.”
“Well, he might be there. I don’t know. I’ll take us there and maybe you would find him and make his life miserable.”
“After we took him to the hospital.”
“Yeah.”
The dock looked the same as Ueda has seen it the last time, and there he was, Koki, sitting with his back against the railing, his head in his hands. At least he hoped it was Koki.
They walked up the stairs, Nakamaru and him, and when they were close enough, Ueda cleared his throat.
“Koki?”
The moment Koki looked up, Ueda burst into helpless giggles. Nakamaru kicked his ankle.
“Sorry! But look at him; he looks so ugly when he cries.”
Koki dropped his head down again, quietly sobbing. Ueda fought the urge to come over the ruffle that hair. He still laughed though.
“Dude, let’s go. We’re taking you to the hospital.”
“…You knew?” His voice came out muffled and raw. Ueda chuckled.
“Yeah, Koki, we knew.” Nakamaru answered, approaching close and carefully crouched down at him. “Your big brother called you half an hour ago.”
More sniffles and Koki attempted to shake his head. “I don’t wanna go.” He hugged his knees closer, shrinking further away from Nakamaru and Ueda.
Ueda would run and get the Pooh bear for him. Buy him ice cream. He mentally cursed instead, scratching the back of his neck as he watched Nakamaru putting a hand on Koki’s shoulder.
“Koki, your mom is okay. The surgery was a success. She woke up and has been asking for you.”
His head snapped up in a millisecond; big, swollen eyes widened. “Really??”
“Yeah, so let’s go see her, okay?”
“R-really?” His voice cracked as Nakamaru helped him up on his feet.
Ueda rolled his eyes. “Yes, really. Now go before I have to look at your ugly crying face any longer.”
He turned on the engine after Nakamaru has settled in the back seat and buckled up. The subtle hum of machine mingled with Koki’s gross, happy sobbing.
He has never felt so relieved when watching someone cry before.
They started moving and for a while the three of them didn’t speak. Nakamaru called Akanishi and said they have found Koki, and that they were heading to the hospital. He lashed out at some dumb joke but it blurred away in a half-hearted laugh.
“Kame told me to tell you to come back soon and take the raps.” Nakamaru said, after hanging up, to Koki. Ueda heard a moment of weak chuckling in between now fading sobs.
Nakamaru chuckled then, reaching out from the back seat to ruffle Koki’s hair, and somehow that made Ueda huffed in an attempt to hold back his own laugh. Relief, was what it was. As much as Koki had wanted to keep it in himself, and that they were probably not the closest group of kids around…
As much as they were not going to come out and say they were friends, not really. But everything was going to be better now. Even with Koki still sobbing in the background.
“You know,” Ueda finally offered as they hit a red light. “Someone has said before, that even when the world is sad and scary. Especially when the world is sad and scary. That’s when you need to laugh. It’s better to laugh than cry, no?”
“Who said that?” Koki queried in between his sniffing and occasional hiccups. He had mostly gone quieter, face still buried in his sleeves, his voice all raw and muffled.
Ueda chuckled, feeling the bumping of the road as they drove forward.
“Taguchi.”
That made Koki laugh, then, in that kind of ugly laughing with his eyes swollen and his nose all red, tears and snot all over his flushed face that he was trying to wipe them off. He looked so small and vulnerable like this, no more energy on his shoulders as he hunched over Ueda’s passenger seat, unconsciously biting his nails.
But in the corner of his eyes, Ueda could see a smile blooming behind those too big sleeves, and it burnt away the edge of his mind, leaving warm, scattering thoughts.
Koki burst into tears again when he reached his mother’s room. The five of them left him to drown under the circle of his brothers as they gathered around her bed -his family, opened their arms for him as he wrapped himself around his mother, her frail hand patting his head.
She suffered from a heart condition and as it got worse, they needed to operate to get rid of the problem once for all. It was not supposed to be a risky surgery, but Koki --who has always been attached to her (and a bit irrationally paranoid as well, if Ueda was having a saying in it)-was too terrified to face it. So he ran away, unable to come back to their house.
They could hear Koki’s broken apology and laughter following as they walked further away from the room, into the darker corner of the hallway.
“Thanks God she’s okay,” Taguchi breathed out, long arms stretching. “And he was being so depressed too, made me feared the worst.”
Kamenashi flipped his phone shut. “Turned out his big brother has been looking for him, but his mom said to let him be. That’s why they haven’t been contacting: they thought he was better off calming down on his own.”
But she did contact Koki, though. Ueda thought of the late night calls and Koki’s whisperings, so full of fear and shaking hope, a kind of choked up relief that his mother was still there and yet so far away. His own fears had driven him away from being around to fully support her.
What a weirdo.
“Well, now that this is done, I should get back and get some sleep.” Kamenashi yawned then, before shooting Akanishi a dirty glare. “Because I’m too lame to have motsunabe nights with certain people anyway.”
“I told you! I didn’t know he was there!!”
Taguchi swung an arm around Akanishi’s shoulders then. “There, there, Akanishi-kun. I know you can’t wait for our next all guys night. I’m thinking of tonkotsu next time, don’t you think, Nakamaru-kun?”
Both Nakamaru and Akanishi shot him a “No!” and they lingered to shoot a few more banters back and forth (mostly off-handed insults toward a still smiling Taguchi) before scattered, Kamenashi and Taguchi to the manager’s car, Akanishi to his.
Only Ueda and Nakamaru remained at the entrance of the hospital, now suddenly so quiet.
“So,” Nakamaru began, hands digging in his pockets.
“…So.”
“This is it. Koki will probably move back tomorrow. You finally have your apartment to yourself again.”
“Oh.” He has almost forgotten that. “Yeah. Right.”
Koki was moving out tomorrow. Koki was leaving.
Finally, no more big eyes that followed him, no more obnoxious giant yellow teddy bear. No more breakfast cooked properly, or laundry dutifully done, no more accessories getting lost somewhere in the apartment where Koki would find them.
Or late night beers, blue poisonous cheese in his fridge, or Koki’s notes about getting grocery scattered around the place.
He finally had his messy, empty apartment again. So, so empty.
He should be happy about it. And he was. But it was being piled upon by thousands of other emotions that he couldn’t explain. He knew it from the start, that Koki was nothing but trouble. Pure, plain troublesome that Ueda shouldn’t have gotten involved with.
He waited for a very long time, in the darkened hallway, not sure what he was waiting for. He fetched out his phone, pondered, and sent a message to his sister.
Just a How are you. Let’s meet up, this weekend.
Just a I miss you.
Koki emerged from the elevator looking no less ugly than he was when Ueda last saw him, but he was decidedly happier. Much, much happier. He was practically beaming on their way back. Plain old simple Koki. Transparent Koki. His big eyes were swollen and red and looked kind of gross, but they were as bright as Ueda could ever know.
When they stopped at the red lights, Ueda turned to watch Koki on the passenger seat, dozing off, probably in his most sated, pleasant state in the last two weeks. The street lights passed them by, casting white bright stripes in Ueda’s hazed vision.
That, or Koki was glowing.
Koki fell gratefully onto the mattress and his eyes fully shut as he curled into himself, already sounding asleep. Ueda kicked the shoes aside and dragged himself over the bed, stopped and just stood there watching over Koki, feeling a smile unconsciously creeping across his face.
Oh, awkward.
He moved closer to pull the sheet from under Koki’s dead weight and covered him with it, watching as he sank and melted into striped blue and white. An unknown urge forced him to reach out and brush Koki’s fringe aside, fingertips feeling the awfully dyed hair and then. And then.
He sat down on the edge of the mattress, cursing out loud.
It wasn’t like Koki was going to disappear forever. They would still meet at work, in the training room; maybe someday even in their own dressing room, on stage together. Together. They would still take photos together and he and Nakamaru would ask Koki out for karaoke nights from now on, and he could still see Koki. Could still talk to him, watching him beam at compliments and maybe tease him about his girly nail polish and watch him blush and then laugh at him. It wouldn’t change anything. Nothing at all.
Except that it has already changed. Things have already changed so much in such a short amount of time, and now Ueda was going to learn to go back to when Koki was not.
But he was still there. He was still. And.
He didn’t realize a hand has reached out from under a blanket to clutch his own until he tried to stand up. And promptly being pulled back so he fell onto the mattress in a heap.
An arm immediately crept across his stomach and held him tight as Koki shifted closer until he was everywhere in Ueda’s personal place and there was his warmth everywhere, his scent and his awful, offending t-shirt and his baggy jeans scraping over Ueda’s knee.
It shouldn’t be okay, not at all, maybe not ever. But Ueda still let himself being held and clung on by bony arms and small shoulders and just, bones everywhere, sticking in awkward places. He would mind that, but maybe later.
Not now. Not when Koki murmured into his side, “Don’t leave me,” and Ueda found himself lying down, scooting closer until they were sharing the pillow and the blanket and he could feel Koki’s hot breath tickling his neck.
He hasn’t been hugged for a while.
They laid there for a long time, in the dark of Ueda’s apartment, in the unblinking gaze of Koki’s bear, and Ueda drank in the sounds of Koki breathing very slightly next to him, arm still coming around his stomach and clutching him like holding onto a shore, a barrier. Like Ueda was protecting him from the world.
“I like you a lot,” came Koki’s muffled voice, so scratchy and small Ueda would have missed it by a second.
Silence, for a while, Koki’s breaths became even and quiet again. Sleep talking? Could be. But then again.
He said out loud. “…Okay. That was awkward.” Maybe he should reconsider it. Maybe he shouldn’t tell anybody about this, even if it would embarrass Koki to no end. He wasn’t sure if he would feel so smug now if-
“I like Uepomu a lot. Because he’s such an honest, loveable idiot.”
“Would you just-“ He struggled a bit to turn and look at Koki, eyes still closed and looking just as far gone as he would have expected. He sighed.
“Don’t pretend you’re sleeping to hug me and say gross things! I’ll punch you in the face. And is that my new nickname now?”
And Koki opened his eyes then, kept them half closed so Ueda could see the gentle brown underneath the long, trembling lashes. He smiled, sleepily so, and Ueda thought he would never forget that look he gave him in that moment, mingled with sleep, but it was an earnest and deep, endless affection that not even lovers should be allowed to gift each other with.
He would probably never forget those following words, either. And Koki’s arm tightened around him, pulling him in a sleep induced embrace.
“Because Ueda lies better than any of us, so the guilt you feel is also so much greater than any of us.”
He reached out a hand to touch Koki’s hair, lacing his fingers in uneven fringe. His heart sank along with each word and yet, why was he smiling?
“A wonderful Ueda like that, I like him a lot.”
And Koki kept whispering in that raw, scratchy voice, words pouring out from his bleeding heart and Ueda was listening but he wasn’t thinking about them. He would keep them; lock these words away so only he could have them, all of it for himself, later. So right now he only listened and remembering, and thinking of one thing.
Nakamaru was a very, very evil person.
And he liked him a lot, because of it.
His phone rang.
One.
Two.
Three times.
I miss you too, Tatsuya. Let’s meet up.
And all your distress goes away.
Footnotes:
- Iidabashi (飯田橋): A quiet neighborhood in Chiyoda, Tokyo
- Umeboshi (梅干し): Dried plum
- Namamugi namagome namatamaga (なまむぎなまごめなまたまご): Raw wheat, raw rice, and raw eggs.
- Motsunabe (もつ鍋): a type of hot pot with beef or pork offal, originated from Fukuoka
- Zard: A Japanese pop-rock band, but the name often referred to late vocalist Sakai Izumi
- Tonkotsu (豚骨): pork-bone ramen
<- part 1
From: sekky_chan
Title: I'll treat you like a stolen glance at myself
Pairings/Characters: Ueda, Koki. 6!KAT-TUN's member-whatever
Rating: PG
Warnings: Strange characters, strange logics, strange behaviors. Obnoxious teddy bears. Mentions of aliens. Tongue twister.
Summary: Here's the summary about Ueda: he doesn't believe in naivety, honest and trust. He has detached himself from his family. His so-called best friend is probably evil. His moral boundaries lie further than lying and manipulating. So he despites people like Koki. Especially people like Koki. The very person that is residing in his apartment, thanks to Nakamaru.
Notes:
- It's been great fun to write this for greatfountain, I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Thanks for my beta and others for being there when I was in distress. You guys are, as always, awesome.
- This fic is set during Junior era, some time between 2004-2005.
- Footnotes for the references can be found at the end of the fic.
part 1 || part 2
“Uebo~” Koki called him from inside the elevator. He has started using nicknames, Ueda thought, and it was nothing but a bad thing. He heard Nakamaru chuckle and turned around to give him a glare.
Nakamaru still smiled indifferently and looked straight ahead, as Koki jogged over to catch up with them. They slowed down to wait for him.
“Here,” Koki dropped an anklet into Ueda’s palm and beamed at him his afternoon defeating grin. “I found it tangled in the blankets this morning.”
“Oh. Thanks.”
“Wow, Ueda-kun.” Nakamaru sing-songed. Ueda just narrowed his eyes at him.
“Spit it out and I punch you in the mouth, Nakamaru.” Koki didn’t really help matter when he reached over to adjust Ueda’s scarf and collar. He batted the small hands away and caught pouting lips in the corner of his eyes.
Ueda sighed, for the two hundred and four thousand time since they started living together.
Next to them, Nakamaru was still snickering, obviously pleased with himself. Evil, Ueda thought. Just pure evil.
The day started out quite well, except for the fact that Nakamaru has been shooting him amusing looks here and there. During scheduled meeting, amusing looks. During warm up practices, amusing looks. Standing behind him in assemblence, amusing looks, and a few smirks so obvious Ueda could feel them on his nape.
Akanishi was trying, for the tenth time since break, that he did not mean to hang out with Taguchi the previous night… They just coincidentally went to the same restaurant, and Taguchi had spotted him and came over without invitation! He didn't even know Taguchi ate human food before that, to be honest.
Nobody said anything. It wasn’t like they really care. Nobody did, except for a grinning Taguchi.
“But Jin~ We had so much fun together! You even stood up and started singing Zard when I asked!”
Ueda wondered if half of this group was actually evil and just playing the fools for shits and giggles. Taguchi’s “innocence” would go nicely with Nakamaru, if anything.
“I hate you, Taguchi.” Jin announced unhappily.
“I love you too.”
Off to his left, Kamenashi was staring at his phone, pressing rapidly on buttons like he was having a texting battle with someone, but he could still twist around during gaps to shoot death glares interchangeably between Akanishi and Taguchi.
“I hate both of you. I was stuck at home doing my homework and you guys were out wrecking some bar.”
Akanishi gasped. “It was a motsunabe restaurant! Beside, you’re too up-tight for anything like partying anyway.”
“Oh, so it’s my fault now that you went out with Taguchi, of all people? Ueda has Koki at his feet now and Nakamaru has his soccer game machine down the streets, and I only have like forty pages of 'How I would invest my monthly allowance' to entertain myself! You’d think it’s a decency to at least call me to hit up at a restaurant on a Sunday night.”
Unfazed by Kamenashi’s offhand insult, Nakamaru wriggled around from the couch to throw a bemused look at Ueda (and Koki, who was sitting by Ueda’s feet, literally). “Yeah, Ueda-kun and Koki are so close now, I feel left out.” He said, couldn’t hide the smugness off his tone. “Koki even finds Ueda’s bracelets that get lost in the blankets for him.”
“Good grief what were you guys even doing?”
“Shut up, all of you.” Ueda snapped, and they all laughed. All except Koki.
His ringtone rang across their small circle, so he stood up and excused himself out of the room. Nobody caught the split-second telltales, but Ueda. Koki’s rigid shoulders, his big eyes widened as he peeked at the numbers, the way he scrambled up on his feet and his face turned slightly white.
Ueda’s eyes followed him until he has disappeared behind to sliding door. Everything in the background suddenly became dim, all the chattering, laughing away, and Nakamaru’s curious stare at him and then at the door and then back at him...
Ueda knew. He thought, again! and he suddenly wanted to stand up and run to the door, to find Koki, so that if he ended up crying again…
And then what? And then what, Ueda? He searched, and he didn’t find the answer.
So he forced himself to look away.
Koki was a guy. A spoiled brat with rather good sense of humor and twisted English skill, but still a guy. He could handle it himself. Whatever it was. Ueda was also a guy. And guys didn’t do emotional talk with each other. Not Ueda, at least.
Ueda’s little boastful moment that he was the only person to notice Koki’s glitch came irrelevant just as when Koki came back.
The instructors probably didn’t notice it, but the five of them did. They watched as Koki returned to his position- the choreography this time required him in front.
Ueda has been in front before. He was, after all, the leader. Or whatever closest to that word meant. They have all been in front before. The center position, above everyone else. You got the most spotlights, most camera shots. But it was also a horrible position to hold. He didn’t know about the others, but when it was Ueda in front, he felt terribly lonely.
Scared. Like if you were standing behind, if you forgot a move you could look up to the person in front of you. If you made a mistake, someone would cover it for you. But being in front? You were all alone. Your mistakes were yours to make. You had nobody to back you up.
And Ueda thought how badly Koki needed to be surrounded by people right now, not standing up there alone.
Koki’s whole frame was stiff, shoulders trying to keep from shrinking. He was as white as a sheet and as Nakamaru has noted as they stood together in the back line, Koki was trembling.
“He looks like he’s about to burst.” Taguchi whispered urgently as they side-stepped across each other.
Kamenashi and Akanishi side-stepped as well, lanky arms swinging to either sides. “What’s wrong with him?”
“I wonder.”
They did the routine three more times, each time halfway through because Koki of all people screwed up a move. As one of the instructors called him over to slash it in his face, the five of them stood in the back, watching Koki, head down, wiping sweat off his face. He looked like his mind wasn’t even on the planet anymore.
Nakamaru exhaled heavily next to Ueda.
“Maybe… I don’t know. He doesn’t get like that unless he gets dumped or something.”
“Does anyone know if he was seeing any girl? You know, since the last one?”
Taguchi made an unrelated ballet-like twirl on his toes as he spoke. “Not one I could think of.” Akanishi threw him a weird look.
“Stop doing that, you’re freaking me out!”
“Anyway. Ueda, don’t you have any idea?”
He ran his hand over his face in what he hoped to be an indulgent gesture. The look he shot at Nakamaru was not so much. “Dude, you’re his best friend. Stop asking me questions about him, I have no idea.”
Nakamaru shrugged. “You guys seem to have gotten along well. Beside, he’s staying with you.”
“I play catch with him! Do you know what that means? I might as well buy a collar and leash and have a nametag just for him.”
“Wow, kinky.”
“Shut up, Akanishi Jin, or I'll pound you in the face.”
“Personally, Uepi,” Taguchi butted in, still dancing on his own. “I think you need to look angrier so the threat will work better. Kazuya always looks like he’s about to tear us a new one when he’s mad.”
“Can’t you ask your fairies to spy on him or something?”
They all turned to look at Akanishi, and he looked back at each of them in turn, big black eyes wide open, confused. But then his eyes drifted off of them, and he uttered a single “Ah.”
They swirled around following his pointing finger just as Koki exploded. Ueda couldn’t quite catch what he was screaming back at the instructor, but then he turned and ran away, slamming the sliding door as he left.
Ueda sighed. Some day they might need to teach Koki about proper manners. You couldn’t just run away from the problems. He noted the irony of it, about his situation, and his mother, and his father, and Hara…
Well, at least he didn’t bail whenever he felt 'rebellious'.
The practice was canceled that afternoon, but Koki never came back. It was running pass six. Taguchi was clutching at his (new) controller, staring mournfully at the bag Koki has left behind, lips jutting out in a way that made people want to throw a shoe at him. Kamenashi paced back and forth, texting furiously. Akanishi called his bunch of friends, incidentally were all Koki’s classmates (Ueda wondered if Akanishi knew of any of his classmates, and shuddered at the thought), but they, too, had no idea where he might be.
Nakamaru flipped his phone shut in frustration.
“Nobody at his house picks up.”
“Odd.”
“It is. They didn’t call or anything ever since he came to Ueda’s place either. Knowing his mom and brothers they would be making huge fuzz if he ever walked out of their sight.”
“Big baby,” Ueda muttered under his breath, feeling frustrated for no reasons.
He remembered the way Koki letting him petting his hair and nuzzled up his leg and stared at him with big eyes under his fringe and he felt even more frustrated. Some inexplicable itch, like insects crawling their ways up his middle. He didn’t know why. Koki has always been the troublesome one. He has disappeared before, and then he always came back. It was no big deal. It shouldn’t be.
And yet. And yet.
He sighed, leaning back against the mirror running along the wall, watching the others pacing, worrying disguised as irritation. They were not supposed to be worried about each other, no. They were merely kids who got thrown together and kept because people liked seeing them at each other’s throat. Somehow. They weren’t even sure if they would stay together until the end. Until… something.
He felt frustrated because he was feeling frustrated.
What has Koki said? Hop three times, and all your distress goes away.
Hop three times.
And then.
Oh.
A familiar ringtone echoed between them. They all looked around and finally at Koki’s bag. Taguchi looked a little put out, before hesitantly picked it up. Four pairs of eyes followed his movements.
“Yes, this is Koki’s phone. He’s not here tho--”
“Oh.”
“Hospital? Where…”
Taguchi fell silent as he listened on. Ueda felt his stomach wrenching, the fatigue hitting again. Hospital? What? What was going on? Has Koki run out and got in an accident or something.
Something.
Nakamaru has come to stand next to Taguchi, brows furrowing, lips compressing. He gripped at his own phone. Taguchi was talking on the phone, but he stared up at Nakamaru and they shared a look.
“Oh okay. We’ll find him and send him there. Okay.” As he flipped the phone shut, Taguchi turned around to look at each of them.
“Uhm. I think we need to find Koki. It’s about his mom.”
Ueda buckled up as Nakamaru settled in the passenger seat, dumping both their bags in the back. The car made a screeching sound as he whirled it around, heading out to the street.
“Ugh, I’ll make his life miserable once I found him.” Nakamaru mumbled.
Ueda shrugged.
“I might know where he is.”
“Really?”
“Has he ever taken you to that place… the dock?”
He saw Nakamaru shook his head from the corner of his eyes. The car made a rumbling sound as Ueda sped up.
“He has never told me about no dock.”
“Well, he might be there. I don’t know. I’ll take us there and maybe you would find him and make his life miserable.”
“After we took him to the hospital.”
“Yeah.”
The dock looked the same as Ueda has seen it the last time, and there he was, Koki, sitting with his back against the railing, his head in his hands. At least he hoped it was Koki.
They walked up the stairs, Nakamaru and him, and when they were close enough, Ueda cleared his throat.
“Koki?”
The moment Koki looked up, Ueda burst into helpless giggles. Nakamaru kicked his ankle.
“Sorry! But look at him; he looks so ugly when he cries.”
Koki dropped his head down again, quietly sobbing. Ueda fought the urge to come over the ruffle that hair. He still laughed though.
“Dude, let’s go. We’re taking you to the hospital.”
“…You knew?” His voice came out muffled and raw. Ueda chuckled.
“Yeah, Koki, we knew.” Nakamaru answered, approaching close and carefully crouched down at him. “Your big brother called you half an hour ago.”
More sniffles and Koki attempted to shake his head. “I don’t wanna go.” He hugged his knees closer, shrinking further away from Nakamaru and Ueda.
Ueda would run and get the Pooh bear for him. Buy him ice cream. He mentally cursed instead, scratching the back of his neck as he watched Nakamaru putting a hand on Koki’s shoulder.
“Koki, your mom is okay. The surgery was a success. She woke up and has been asking for you.”
His head snapped up in a millisecond; big, swollen eyes widened. “Really??”
“Yeah, so let’s go see her, okay?”
“R-really?” His voice cracked as Nakamaru helped him up on his feet.
Ueda rolled his eyes. “Yes, really. Now go before I have to look at your ugly crying face any longer.”
He turned on the engine after Nakamaru has settled in the back seat and buckled up. The subtle hum of machine mingled with Koki’s gross, happy sobbing.
He has never felt so relieved when watching someone cry before.
They started moving and for a while the three of them didn’t speak. Nakamaru called Akanishi and said they have found Koki, and that they were heading to the hospital. He lashed out at some dumb joke but it blurred away in a half-hearted laugh.
“Kame told me to tell you to come back soon and take the raps.” Nakamaru said, after hanging up, to Koki. Ueda heard a moment of weak chuckling in between now fading sobs.
Nakamaru chuckled then, reaching out from the back seat to ruffle Koki’s hair, and somehow that made Ueda huffed in an attempt to hold back his own laugh. Relief, was what it was. As much as Koki had wanted to keep it in himself, and that they were probably not the closest group of kids around…
As much as they were not going to come out and say they were friends, not really. But everything was going to be better now. Even with Koki still sobbing in the background.
“You know,” Ueda finally offered as they hit a red light. “Someone has said before, that even when the world is sad and scary. Especially when the world is sad and scary. That’s when you need to laugh. It’s better to laugh than cry, no?”
“Who said that?” Koki queried in between his sniffing and occasional hiccups. He had mostly gone quieter, face still buried in his sleeves, his voice all raw and muffled.
Ueda chuckled, feeling the bumping of the road as they drove forward.
“Taguchi.”
That made Koki laugh, then, in that kind of ugly laughing with his eyes swollen and his nose all red, tears and snot all over his flushed face that he was trying to wipe them off. He looked so small and vulnerable like this, no more energy on his shoulders as he hunched over Ueda’s passenger seat, unconsciously biting his nails.
But in the corner of his eyes, Ueda could see a smile blooming behind those too big sleeves, and it burnt away the edge of his mind, leaving warm, scattering thoughts.
Koki burst into tears again when he reached his mother’s room. The five of them left him to drown under the circle of his brothers as they gathered around her bed -his family, opened their arms for him as he wrapped himself around his mother, her frail hand patting his head.
She suffered from a heart condition and as it got worse, they needed to operate to get rid of the problem once for all. It was not supposed to be a risky surgery, but Koki --who has always been attached to her (and a bit irrationally paranoid as well, if Ueda was having a saying in it)-was too terrified to face it. So he ran away, unable to come back to their house.
They could hear Koki’s broken apology and laughter following as they walked further away from the room, into the darker corner of the hallway.
“Thanks God she’s okay,” Taguchi breathed out, long arms stretching. “And he was being so depressed too, made me feared the worst.”
Kamenashi flipped his phone shut. “Turned out his big brother has been looking for him, but his mom said to let him be. That’s why they haven’t been contacting: they thought he was better off calming down on his own.”
But she did contact Koki, though. Ueda thought of the late night calls and Koki’s whisperings, so full of fear and shaking hope, a kind of choked up relief that his mother was still there and yet so far away. His own fears had driven him away from being around to fully support her.
What a weirdo.
“Well, now that this is done, I should get back and get some sleep.” Kamenashi yawned then, before shooting Akanishi a dirty glare. “Because I’m too lame to have motsunabe nights with certain people anyway.”
“I told you! I didn’t know he was there!!”
Taguchi swung an arm around Akanishi’s shoulders then. “There, there, Akanishi-kun. I know you can’t wait for our next all guys night. I’m thinking of tonkotsu next time, don’t you think, Nakamaru-kun?”
Both Nakamaru and Akanishi shot him a “No!” and they lingered to shoot a few more banters back and forth (mostly off-handed insults toward a still smiling Taguchi) before scattered, Kamenashi and Taguchi to the manager’s car, Akanishi to his.
Only Ueda and Nakamaru remained at the entrance of the hospital, now suddenly so quiet.
“So,” Nakamaru began, hands digging in his pockets.
“…So.”
“This is it. Koki will probably move back tomorrow. You finally have your apartment to yourself again.”
“Oh.” He has almost forgotten that. “Yeah. Right.”
Koki was moving out tomorrow. Koki was leaving.
Finally, no more big eyes that followed him, no more obnoxious giant yellow teddy bear. No more breakfast cooked properly, or laundry dutifully done, no more accessories getting lost somewhere in the apartment where Koki would find them.
Or late night beers, blue poisonous cheese in his fridge, or Koki’s notes about getting grocery scattered around the place.
He finally had his messy, empty apartment again. So, so empty.
He should be happy about it. And he was. But it was being piled upon by thousands of other emotions that he couldn’t explain. He knew it from the start, that Koki was nothing but trouble. Pure, plain troublesome that Ueda shouldn’t have gotten involved with.
He waited for a very long time, in the darkened hallway, not sure what he was waiting for. He fetched out his phone, pondered, and sent a message to his sister.
Just a How are you. Let’s meet up, this weekend.
Just a I miss you.
Koki emerged from the elevator looking no less ugly than he was when Ueda last saw him, but he was decidedly happier. Much, much happier. He was practically beaming on their way back. Plain old simple Koki. Transparent Koki. His big eyes were swollen and red and looked kind of gross, but they were as bright as Ueda could ever know.
When they stopped at the red lights, Ueda turned to watch Koki on the passenger seat, dozing off, probably in his most sated, pleasant state in the last two weeks. The street lights passed them by, casting white bright stripes in Ueda’s hazed vision.
That, or Koki was glowing.
Koki fell gratefully onto the mattress and his eyes fully shut as he curled into himself, already sounding asleep. Ueda kicked the shoes aside and dragged himself over the bed, stopped and just stood there watching over Koki, feeling a smile unconsciously creeping across his face.
Oh, awkward.
He moved closer to pull the sheet from under Koki’s dead weight and covered him with it, watching as he sank and melted into striped blue and white. An unknown urge forced him to reach out and brush Koki’s fringe aside, fingertips feeling the awfully dyed hair and then. And then.
He sat down on the edge of the mattress, cursing out loud.
It wasn’t like Koki was going to disappear forever. They would still meet at work, in the training room; maybe someday even in their own dressing room, on stage together. Together. They would still take photos together and he and Nakamaru would ask Koki out for karaoke nights from now on, and he could still see Koki. Could still talk to him, watching him beam at compliments and maybe tease him about his girly nail polish and watch him blush and then laugh at him. It wouldn’t change anything. Nothing at all.
Except that it has already changed. Things have already changed so much in such a short amount of time, and now Ueda was going to learn to go back to when Koki was not.
But he was still there. He was still. And.
He didn’t realize a hand has reached out from under a blanket to clutch his own until he tried to stand up. And promptly being pulled back so he fell onto the mattress in a heap.
An arm immediately crept across his stomach and held him tight as Koki shifted closer until he was everywhere in Ueda’s personal place and there was his warmth everywhere, his scent and his awful, offending t-shirt and his baggy jeans scraping over Ueda’s knee.
It shouldn’t be okay, not at all, maybe not ever. But Ueda still let himself being held and clung on by bony arms and small shoulders and just, bones everywhere, sticking in awkward places. He would mind that, but maybe later.
Not now. Not when Koki murmured into his side, “Don’t leave me,” and Ueda found himself lying down, scooting closer until they were sharing the pillow and the blanket and he could feel Koki’s hot breath tickling his neck.
He hasn’t been hugged for a while.
They laid there for a long time, in the dark of Ueda’s apartment, in the unblinking gaze of Koki’s bear, and Ueda drank in the sounds of Koki breathing very slightly next to him, arm still coming around his stomach and clutching him like holding onto a shore, a barrier. Like Ueda was protecting him from the world.
“I like you a lot,” came Koki’s muffled voice, so scratchy and small Ueda would have missed it by a second.
Silence, for a while, Koki’s breaths became even and quiet again. Sleep talking? Could be. But then again.
He said out loud. “…Okay. That was awkward.” Maybe he should reconsider it. Maybe he shouldn’t tell anybody about this, even if it would embarrass Koki to no end. He wasn’t sure if he would feel so smug now if-
“I like Uepomu a lot. Because he’s such an honest, loveable idiot.”
“Would you just-“ He struggled a bit to turn and look at Koki, eyes still closed and looking just as far gone as he would have expected. He sighed.
“Don’t pretend you’re sleeping to hug me and say gross things! I’ll punch you in the face. And is that my new nickname now?”
And Koki opened his eyes then, kept them half closed so Ueda could see the gentle brown underneath the long, trembling lashes. He smiled, sleepily so, and Ueda thought he would never forget that look he gave him in that moment, mingled with sleep, but it was an earnest and deep, endless affection that not even lovers should be allowed to gift each other with.
He would probably never forget those following words, either. And Koki’s arm tightened around him, pulling him in a sleep induced embrace.
“Because Ueda lies better than any of us, so the guilt you feel is also so much greater than any of us.”
He reached out a hand to touch Koki’s hair, lacing his fingers in uneven fringe. His heart sank along with each word and yet, why was he smiling?
“A wonderful Ueda like that, I like him a lot.”
And Koki kept whispering in that raw, scratchy voice, words pouring out from his bleeding heart and Ueda was listening but he wasn’t thinking about them. He would keep them; lock these words away so only he could have them, all of it for himself, later. So right now he only listened and remembering, and thinking of one thing.
Nakamaru was a very, very evil person.
And he liked him a lot, because of it.
His phone rang.
One.
Two.
Three times.
I miss you too, Tatsuya. Let’s meet up.
And all your distress goes away.
Footnotes:
- Iidabashi (飯田橋): A quiet neighborhood in Chiyoda, Tokyo
- Umeboshi (梅干し): Dried plum
- Namamugi namagome namatamaga (なまむぎなまごめなまたまご): Raw wheat, raw rice, and raw eggs.
- Motsunabe (もつ鍋): a type of hot pot with beef or pork offal, originated from Fukuoka
- Zard: A Japanese pop-rock band, but the name often referred to late vocalist Sakai Izumi
- Tonkotsu (豚骨): pork-bone ramen
<- part 1