Silent Goodbye
After everything that's happened, Sam can't take it anymore. He leaves a note: I’m to blame for everything. For Mom’s death. For Dad’s death. For your lack of a childhood. For your lack of a loving home. For your lack of a normal life. For Jess’ death. For Madison’s death. For every single fucking thing that’s ever gone wrong in our lives, I’m the one to blame.
2,000 words, NC-17, angst, hurt!Sam, past non-con, possible character death
I hate myself. I hate the blood seeping through my veins. I hate the looks you give me. I even hate my stupid, floppy hair that you used to tease me so much about. When I stare into the mirror, my whole body shakes with how much I hate myself.
I’m to blame for everything. For Mom’s death. For Dad’s death. For your lack of a childhood. For your lack of a loving home. For your lack of a normal life. For Jess’ death. For Madison’s death. For every single fucking thing that’s ever gone wrong in our lives, I’m the one to blame.
I saw the blame in Dad’s eyes. I see the fear in your eyes now.
They say I’m going to be the one responsible for the upcoming apocalypse. They say I’m the antichrist. They say I’m going to turn evil and start a rampage that will result in hell on earth literally.
I’ve got demon blood in me and I have no idea what to do.
I’m terrified. I’m supposed to become a monster and I don’t know how to stop. I can feel the power bubbling beneath my skin, waiting to be set loose. The pain behind my temples gets so bad, I’m scared I’ll explode.
I’m so scared of my future; my destiny. And you’re no longer there for me. You don’t want to talk about it. ‘Just don’t use them, Sammy,’ that was all the advice you gave. How the hell am I supposed to follow through with that when I can feel it building up inside of me? I don’t know what’s happening to me. I don’t know how the hell I’m supposed to suddenly turn evil, and it’s terrifying me.
When Ruby showed up, I was so relieved just to have someone who would listen to me and not look at me like I’m some sort of freak. I feel a part of myself die every single time you look at me like that, with fear in your eyes. It makes me feel worthless and wrong and tainted and everything that you’re not. You’re perfect. You’re the angel’s one. I’m the demon’s one.
I know that if I wasn’t related to you, I would’ve been shot, salted and burned by now. The thought that I’m now something we used to hunt leaves a foul taste in the back of my throat. And there’s nothing I can do about it.
You went to hell and I was alone. That’s the only word for it. I was alone.
Ruby never made me feel wrong. Her eyes were soft when they looked at me. Her touch wasn’t harsh or cruel. She didn’t judge me. Her training helped ease the pain. She helped me learn to control my power, instead of leaving me open to be controlled by it. When you came back and found out, you didn’t listen to me. You didn’t care at all that I needed her. You didn’t care.
And now she’s dead. And I’m even more alone.
You and the angels. And God. And everything right. You’re all on one side. And I used to be at your side. You and me forever, right? Now I have no idea where I am.
Does God really hate me that much? What have I done to deserve this? I was a baby when the blood was dripped into my mouth. I was just a baby. I’ve always tried to be good. I did my best at school, but Dad always hated that. He wanted me to train more, hunt more. Like you: the perfect child. No matter what I did, I was always wrong. Dad blamed me for Mom’s death. I think you did too, once you were old enough to understand.
Do you know how that made me feel?
I don’t know what to do. I’ve never known what to do to be good enough. Will I ever be good enough? For you? For God?
It’s ironic really. I worshipped God. I prayed to him every night, asking him to keep you safe, to keep Dad safe, to help me to be good enough. I worshipped God and now he’s turning his back on me? And what about you? I worshipped you, hell, I still do. You’re perfect, Dean. You’re everything I’m not. Everything I’ve ever wished and prayed that I could be. Dad loved you. God loves you.
I love you so much it fucking hurts, but you don’t want to know that, do you? Why would you want some demon child’s love?
Oh, I know you love me back. Some weird, twisted, ‘protect-Sammy’ thing, isn’t it? An obligation as an older brother. Nice job with that, by the way. Yeah, I’m fine, I’m alive, and I’m going to cause the apocalypse. Great job.
I know it’s not your fault. None of this is. You deserve so much more. You deserve to be loved and cared for by someone worthy of your love. You deserve the normal life you always pretended you didn’t long for. You deserve all that and more. Instead you got an evil brother.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. That sounds pathetic, doesn’t it? I’ve ruined your life and here I am apologising.
I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared. I’m alone. I scare myself. What I can do, scares me. What I would do for you, scares me even more. I don’t think I’d blink before destroying the world if it meant saving you. I never told you how it was when you left. How empty I was. I didn’t care anymore. Nothing mattered. You were gone and I was alone.
Ruby pulled me away from the edge. And now she’s dead.
I’ve got no one, Dean. Who am I supposed to turn to? You keep watching me as if I’m about to sprout horns and turn red. I can’t talk to you. The angels hate me. I spent all my life praying to their god and they hate me.
What did I do wrong? What am I supposed to have done in my past life for me to deserve this? I don’t understand why I’m being punished. I’m alone, Dean. Alone.
I’m so tired of being scared. I’m so tired of being watched. I’m so tired of how you flinch at my touch, like I’m some tainted creature.
I love you with all I am. Maybe that’s why I’m being punished. For loving you too much. As more than a brother. There, now you know just how screwed up I am. You’ll probably hate me now. Honestly, that’ll be a relief. So much better than your torn half-love, half-disgust that you’ve got going.
I’m crying now. Pathetic, isn’t it? I bet when you pick this up and spot the teardrops, you’ll burst out laughing at your stupid, demonic brother.
Maybe when you find me, you and Castiel and Uriel and Anna, all your God-given buddies can go out to celebrate.
It’ll be nice if it manages to draw a smile from you. I hope it does. I want you to be happy, Dean. That’s why I’m doing this. Not for God, not for the angels, not for the world. For you, Dean. Only you.
I hate lying to you. I’ve tried my whole life to be honest with you about everything. There was one thing I lied about that I want you to know. Maybe it will explain some things. Do you remember when we stayed at Saltriver Views for half a year, longest we ever stayed in one spot? I was about 8, you must have been around 13 or so. You were the cool kid at school, making new friends, having a ball. You remember that day when I walked up to you while you were chatting to some of your new buddies? You snapped at me, told me to go find my own friends and stop bugging you. Then you shoved me away and stomped off with the other guys, all of you laughing at me. I just want you to know that I did make my own friend. Renny Ravis saw me sitting outside the library, you remember Renny? Huge kid. Anyway, he chatted to me and convinced me to go play in the woods with him. When we were far enough for no one to possibly hear us, Renny raped me. He was laughing while he bashed my head against a rock, he was laughing as he thrust into me without preparation, he was laughing as I screamed and begged him to stop. And that night, after I managed to limp home, you arrived in time to catch me crying under my covers.
You called me a baby and told me to shut the fuck up and quit acting like a wimp. I spent that whole night in pain, wondering whether you’d hit me if I let a sob slip out.
I’m not telling you so you can feel bad. No, not at all. It was my fault anyway. My fault for being the fucked up kid. I’m telling you so that you can know why my teenage years were darker than yours, why I had to get out, why I left for Stanford, why I’m scared of casual sex. Why I’m not as outgoing as you. Well, that was true even before I was raped, but anyway.
So there you have it, my sob story. Too bad there’s no one left to weep for me. They’re all dead, aren’t they? All except you. Will you weep for me? I doubt it. Not more than required to maintain your brotherly status.
I would ask you to think kindly of me, but perhaps that is wishful thinking. All I can ask is that you don’t hate me.
When I’m down there in hell, it would be nice to think of you somewhere safe, with someone you love who’s just as perfect and as untainted as you. God will give that to you, I have no doubt of that.
Goodbye, Dean. Take care of yourself. Know that I love you more than you’d care to know.
I hope you can forgive me for being born.
Sam.
SEQUEL:Losing Myself