And forget happiness, I'm fine
This night wasn't meant to end well. Hongbin didn't want to go out in the first place, but it was Hyuk's 21st birthday and he insisted that Hongbin had to be there. Honestly, that wouldn't have been enough to get him to crawl out of the hole he'd been living in, but Taekwoon came around his house that night and dragged him out to the bar against his wishes.
There were dishes left everywhere, plenty of empty beer bottles, and what used to be stacks of paper lay strewn out across the room, mounds of clothes laying here and there. The place was just south of a wreck and he forgot to pay his electric bill so it was dark. He wasn't too worried about that since he called and they said they'd have it back in within the week. He had nothing but time to kill.
Taekwoon looked around when he barged in the door, face looking surprisingly alarmed instead of his normal complacency. "What happened in here?" he asked softly instead of a greeting.
Hongbin looked up from his place on his couch, silent for a moment only because he was processing the fact that he would in fact have to leave the house now that Taekwoon had come for him. "I've been busy," he said finally.
"Hongbin..." Taekwoon started, but Hongbin lifted his hand to quiet him. That took a great effort since his whole body felt absolutely lifeless. He really didn't want to move.
"I'll clean it tomorrow if it'll make you happy," he said. Then, he rolled off the side of the couch, barely catching himself on his feet before he stood up as straight as he could manage for how he felt. "Anyway, should we go?"
Taekwoon blinked and then gave Hongbin a once over. "Not like that," he shook his head and put his hands on Hongbin's shoulders, leading him back to the bedroom.
After Taekwoon picked out Hongbin's outfit (only because Hongbin refused to admit there was anything wrong with his stained white t-shirt and ratty sweat pants he'd be lounging around in for days) they headed out for the bar. It wasn't a long drive, only a couple of songs on Taekwoon's ipod and they were there. When Taekwoon stopped the car, he locked the doors before Hongbin could get out so he could talk to him beforehand.
"If things get too out of hand..." Taekwoon started, but Hongbin interjected.
"They won't," he said, but he wasn't even sure he believed it himself. "I'll be fine."
Taekwoon still looked worried, "I'm just saying that we can leave whenever you want to."
"I want to leave right now," Hongbin said, and he knew he meant that.
Taekwoon pressed his lips together. The look was enough for Hongbin to understand 'that is not what i meant' from Taekwoon.
He sighed, "Fine, let's just go. I want a drink."
Taekwoon unlocked the doors of his car and they headed inside.
The bar was the same one they always partied at. The walls were a rustic green color with some wooden tables and chairs. The bar and barstools were also wood. Alcohol lined the shelves, almost the only decoration besides some odd paintings scattered on the walls. The only difference now was that it was actually legal for Sanghyuk to be here, not that anyone really cared. The owner who went by N had a thing for Hyuk ever since they'd all come here together for the very first time, so it made getting him in really easy.
"You came," Hyuk said, face lighting up at the sight of Hongbin. He gave him a hug, but Hongbin didn't have to ask what it was for. Hyuk pulled back, locking eyes with Taekwoon for a moment. Taekwoon simply sighed. Hyuk pressed his lips together, putting his arm around Hongbin's shoulder and leading him toward the table, "Well, Ravi is already here and of course N, so we should probably just get started on having a good night, huh?"
"You don't have to baby me, Sanghyuk," Hongbin said, following Hyuk to the table. "I'm fine. And happy birthday, by the way."
Hyuk grinned, shaking his shoulder, "You're such a punk. I know you wouldn't have come if I hadn't told Taekwoon to get you." They arrived at the table and Hyuk took his arm from around Hongbin's shoulder.
"Binnie!" Ravi raised his arms from the other side of the table. He came around and hugged Hongbin, "Yah, you haven't returned any of my phone calls."
Hongbin hugged back, sighing a little, "I've been busy is all."
"His electricity has been out," Taekwoon said, sitting down at the table.
Hyuk and Ravi exchanged a glance that Hongbin didn't miss, but before he could say anything, N was coming out with a big black trey of shots.
"Alright," N said, setting the trey down on the table, "You're finally of age, so I don't feel so bad about this now." He grinned and messed up Hyuk's hair, much to the younger's dismay. "Should we sing first?"
They all agreed and sang happy birthday to Hyuk and then each took a shot. Hongbin let the alcohol slide down his throat, enjoying the burning sensation. He let it settle in for a moment as everyone else was chasing theirs with something. He didn't bother, instead letting the feeling overtake him. He already felt ten times better.
"When's Ken coming?" he asked, like he'd been wanting to ask since Hyuk had invited him to this stupid get together.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at him, a little alarm in each set of eyes. It wasn't anything Hongbin didn't already expect what with everyone tiptoeing around him the whole time.
"He'll be here..." Hyuk said, then paused before adding, "later."
Hongbin nodded, taking a deep breath.
"I wouldn't have invited him, but-"
Hongbin shook his head, "It’s fine, Sanghyuk. We're all friends." He pretended to be cool. Why shouldn't he be cool? After all, he and Ken had been friends before. He knew, though, that it was pretty damn obvious to everyone that he wasn't really cool with the way they'd been acting toward him. He didn't know why he still tried to pretend.
He decided to take another shot.
Around midnight, he still wasn't that drunk. Mostly, he was just tipsy. He watched from a bar stool as N and Hyuk seemed lost in each other and Ravi and Taekwoon were talking to some girls in a booth. He turned around and ordered two more shots for himself.
The bar tender sent them his way and he caught them just as he heard the booming voice shout, "Happy birthday, you little punk!"
He almost didn't turn around, but he found that he couldn't really stop himself. It was almost as if he was drawn to it, no matter how much he didn't want to be. There he stood, squeezing Hyuk in an almost uncomfortable way and trying to kiss his face while Hyuk tried to get away. He could only stare, taking immediate notice of the white button up shirt Ken was wearing, a shirt Hongbin knew he'd bought him himself.
Ken didn't look any different from when they were together. He still looked chipper and upbeat. He still looked exactly like Ken in all the ways Hongbin had known him. The only difference now was this invisible wall between them that only seemed to be effecting Hongbin. This was confirmed when Ken caught his eye after he finished greeting Hyuk and N and walked right over to him.
"Hey," he said, sliding into the chair next to Hongbin. "Long time, no see."
Hongbin only stared for a moment before nodding and saying, "Yeah, it's been awhile." Although, he found no matter how hard he tried to manage some sort of smile or anything besides a grimace, he couldn't force his face to move.
Ken laughed light-heartedly. He ordered a drink and then asked, "How have you been?"
Hongbin took a sip of the drink in front of him so he could conjure up some decent answer. "Fine, I guess," was all he came up with in the end.
Ken nodded, "That's good. That's really good." He took his drink from the bartender. He turned around in his bar stood to face open floor, but leaned back against the bar, a little bit closer to Hongbin. "Look, Hongbin," he started, "we're cool, right? I mean, you're really okay?"
Hongbin wanted to say no, but this night wasn't about him and what he wanted. He didn't want to ruin Hyuk's birthday by bringing up the old news that was him and Ken. He felt himself almost unable to swallow, his spit felt so thick. He used all of his power to just not clench his hand. "I'm fine," he repeated.
Ken gave him a pitying look that morphed into a half smile, "If you say so." He got up from the stool, "I'll see you around."
Then, he was off. That was the only direct interaction he'd probably have with Ken all night, so he rewarded himself with a couple more shots since he'd made it out without completely breaking down.
He downed both shots before turning to scan the room. He spotted the white shirt across the room with Ravi and those girls. He tried not to be jealous that Ken was paying attention to Ravi because it was Ravi, Hongbin's best friend, and Ravi would never do that not only because he was straight, but simply because he wouldn't do that to Hongbin. Still, he felt jealous and he couldn't deny it.
Taekwoon walked up to him while he watched the other two, nodding at him in greeting. Hongbin nodded back. Taekwoon sat next to him and followed his line of vision.
"What did you two talk about?" Taekwoon asked.
Hongbin turned to look at him, "You saw?"
Taekwoon nodded, not bothering to tell Hongbin that everyone saw it.
Hongbin just shrugged, "He just asked me how I was." It was the same question everyone had asked him, but somehow it felt different when Ken had asked him.
"Did you tell him?" Taekwoon said. Taekwoon didn't have to clarify because Hongbin knew exactly what he meant.
"What do you think?" Hongbin said.
Taekwoon sighed, "Should we drink then?" He turned around to the bar and ordered them a few shots.
Hongbin turned around with him, but not until he scanned over Ken again, who seemed to be having the time of his life over with Ravi and those girls. He only needed to see him laugh and smile with people who weren't him for a second before he felt too jealous to look anymore.
After a few more shots with Taekwoon, Hongbin was finally drunk. It was a good thing, too, because the music wasn't loud enough to drown out Ken's laughter even though he was all the way across the room. Hongbin's head lay against the bar, eyes closed as he imagined something just for himself. He didn't usually do this kind of thing in public, but he was drunk and told himself if there was any night he got to cheat on his rules for keeping his dignity it was tonight.
The laughter reminded him of when they were in bed together, for some reason. Before or after they had sex, it didn't matter. Ken laughed a lot, so it was kind of a signature to his whole personality. Though, for some reason it reminded Hongbin of their most intimate moments.
Ken smiled at him differently after they had sex. He pulled him in and kissed him all over like a giant 'thank you'. Their bodies fit together almost perfectly as well. Ken liked to press his chin into Hongbin's shoulder when they slept and Hongbin could almost feel Ken's arms around him.
"Hongbin," Taekwoon said, suddenly ripping him from his day dream.
"Huh?" Hongbin sits up, Taekwoon coming into his foggy vision.
Taekwoon smiled slightly, "If you're tired we can go."
Ken's laughter boomed from across the room again.
Hongbin shook his head, "I don't want to go yet." He shook his head. He turned around, elbows against the bar stool. He decided to cheat again and take another glance at Ken, wearing the white shirt that Hongbin had bought him. Perhaps he had worn it on purpose and Ken would come to him by the end of the night.
He'd come to him and say, "This is a little ridiculous, huh? I still love you." At least, that was something Hongbin had dreamed about. He tried not to let himself think it was a real possibility, though.
Taekwoon sighed, "Alright, we'll stay for a little longer." He looked at the other side of the room at something, "I'm going to go over where Hyuk is, alright? Don't get into trouble."
Hongbin simply nodded, not taking his eyes off of Ken. He wasn't positive, but he swore Ken kept glancing over as well. However, he'd had enough to drink that he thought it could also be his imagination making things up.
After a minute or two, he knew it wasn't. He saw the small glances Ken kept giving him, very deliberate. He was dancing with one of the girls from earlier, but with every turn he'd see Ken's eyes meet his for even just a moment. It was enough to keep Hongbin from looking anywhere else. It was killing him, but it was also giving him some sick form of life.
They stopped dancing after a while and Ken leaned over to whisper in the girl's ear. Their eyes locked while he whispered to the girl for almost a full minute. Hongbin's heart was completely stopped.
When Ken pulled away, the girl giggled, but took his hand. Ken smiled at her and started taking her across the room toward Hyuk. Hongbin's eyes followed them the whole way. Ken said something to Hyuk, Hongbin couldn't tell what because they were too far away. Hongbin saw Ken look over his shoulder one more time, lip twitching upward just slightly as his eyes met Hongbin's one last time. Then, Ken left with the girl Hongbin didn't know.
Hongbin couldn't tear his eyes away from the door for a long time. He didn't want to believe what he'd just seen. Surely he'd made it all up. He felt the vile rising in his throat. He felt absolutely sick and it had nothing to do with alcohol.
He waited a moment, really trying to calm himself down before he bolted for the door. Ravi stood in his way, asking what happened, but Hongbin was in too much of a hurry to get out of there to make up any excuses this time, so he pushed passed him and made his way out the door.
Once outside, he went into the alley besides the bar, puking to his heart’s content there. Ken had stared him down and left with a girl. He made sure Hongbin saw him leave with that girl. Hongbin dry heaved after puking for a minute before calming down enough to simply sit and try to breathe.
Before he could get himself under control, someone came and kicked at his foot. He looked up through bleery eyes, knowing Taekwoon from anywhere.
"Get up," Taekwoon said. "Let's go."
Hongbin leaned forward, "I have to say goodbye to Sanghyuk." He tried to get up, but he really didn't have the strength now.
Taekwoon held out his hands and helped Hongbin up, "No, I already did. He understands. No one needs to see you like this." He put one of Hongbin's arms around him to steady him and helped him toward the car.
"Fuck," Hongbin cursed, covering his face with the back of his hand as he sat in the passenger’s seat, Taekwoon in the driver seat. "Just fuck," he repeated.
"It's my fault," Taekwoon said, starting the car. "I shouldn't have left you alone. I'm sorry."
Hongbin felt like he wanted to punch something. All Hongbin had been able to do was watch. "He left with a-" he couldn't even finish. He was shaking.
"I know," Taekwoon said.
The anger changed quickly, though. He actually tried to hold onto that because he didn't want to feel what was coming next. "I mean, it might've been different if it wasn't-"
"Would it have?" Taekwoon interjected again. He too seemed solemn.
Hongbin's whole jaw shook. He didn't know, but he did know that Ken had looked at him. He deliberately made sure Hongbin watched him leave. "He saw me staring," Hongbin said.
"He what?" Taekwoon said, eyes darting to look at Hongbin then back at the road.
Hongbin almost sobbed, his head falling into his hands. "He saw me staring," he repeated.
The car was completely silent. Hongbin thought he might be sick again. The minute the car stopped, Hongbin threw the door open and puked on his driveway. Taekwoon waited until he was done, then helped him out of the car.
Though Hongbin seemed like he was ready to give up and lay on his couch until he forgot he was alive, Taekwoon made sure to clean him up, put him in clean clothes and everything and then take him to bed. Hongbin wanted to thank him, but he couldn't find the words. It took everything he had not to completely fall apart. Taekwoon brushed his fingers through Hongbin's hair as he lay in his lap, sobbing until he fell asleep.
There were dishes left everywhere, plenty of empty beer bottles, and what used to be stacks of paper lay strewn out across the room, mounds of clothes laying here and there. The place was just south of a wreck and he forgot to pay his electric bill so it was dark. He wasn't too worried about that since he called and they said they'd have it back in within the week. He had nothing but time to kill.
Taekwoon looked around when he barged in the door, face looking surprisingly alarmed instead of his normal complacency. "What happened in here?" he asked softly instead of a greeting.
Hongbin looked up from his place on his couch, silent for a moment only because he was processing the fact that he would in fact have to leave the house now that Taekwoon had come for him. "I've been busy," he said finally.
"Hongbin..." Taekwoon started, but Hongbin lifted his hand to quiet him. That took a great effort since his whole body felt absolutely lifeless. He really didn't want to move.
"I'll clean it tomorrow if it'll make you happy," he said. Then, he rolled off the side of the couch, barely catching himself on his feet before he stood up as straight as he could manage for how he felt. "Anyway, should we go?"
Taekwoon blinked and then gave Hongbin a once over. "Not like that," he shook his head and put his hands on Hongbin's shoulders, leading him back to the bedroom.
After Taekwoon picked out Hongbin's outfit (only because Hongbin refused to admit there was anything wrong with his stained white t-shirt and ratty sweat pants he'd be lounging around in for days) they headed out for the bar. It wasn't a long drive, only a couple of songs on Taekwoon's ipod and they were there. When Taekwoon stopped the car, he locked the doors before Hongbin could get out so he could talk to him beforehand.
"If things get too out of hand..." Taekwoon started, but Hongbin interjected.
"They won't," he said, but he wasn't even sure he believed it himself. "I'll be fine."
Taekwoon still looked worried, "I'm just saying that we can leave whenever you want to."
"I want to leave right now," Hongbin said, and he knew he meant that.
Taekwoon pressed his lips together. The look was enough for Hongbin to understand 'that is not what i meant' from Taekwoon.
He sighed, "Fine, let's just go. I want a drink."
Taekwoon unlocked the doors of his car and they headed inside.
The bar was the same one they always partied at. The walls were a rustic green color with some wooden tables and chairs. The bar and barstools were also wood. Alcohol lined the shelves, almost the only decoration besides some odd paintings scattered on the walls. The only difference now was that it was actually legal for Sanghyuk to be here, not that anyone really cared. The owner who went by N had a thing for Hyuk ever since they'd all come here together for the very first time, so it made getting him in really easy.
"You came," Hyuk said, face lighting up at the sight of Hongbin. He gave him a hug, but Hongbin didn't have to ask what it was for. Hyuk pulled back, locking eyes with Taekwoon for a moment. Taekwoon simply sighed. Hyuk pressed his lips together, putting his arm around Hongbin's shoulder and leading him toward the table, "Well, Ravi is already here and of course N, so we should probably just get started on having a good night, huh?"
"You don't have to baby me, Sanghyuk," Hongbin said, following Hyuk to the table. "I'm fine. And happy birthday, by the way."
Hyuk grinned, shaking his shoulder, "You're such a punk. I know you wouldn't have come if I hadn't told Taekwoon to get you." They arrived at the table and Hyuk took his arm from around Hongbin's shoulder.
"Binnie!" Ravi raised his arms from the other side of the table. He came around and hugged Hongbin, "Yah, you haven't returned any of my phone calls."
Hongbin hugged back, sighing a little, "I've been busy is all."
"His electricity has been out," Taekwoon said, sitting down at the table.
Hyuk and Ravi exchanged a glance that Hongbin didn't miss, but before he could say anything, N was coming out with a big black trey of shots.
"Alright," N said, setting the trey down on the table, "You're finally of age, so I don't feel so bad about this now." He grinned and messed up Hyuk's hair, much to the younger's dismay. "Should we sing first?"
They all agreed and sang happy birthday to Hyuk and then each took a shot. Hongbin let the alcohol slide down his throat, enjoying the burning sensation. He let it settle in for a moment as everyone else was chasing theirs with something. He didn't bother, instead letting the feeling overtake him. He already felt ten times better.
"When's Ken coming?" he asked, like he'd been wanting to ask since Hyuk had invited him to this stupid get together.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at him, a little alarm in each set of eyes. It wasn't anything Hongbin didn't already expect what with everyone tiptoeing around him the whole time.
"He'll be here..." Hyuk said, then paused before adding, "later."
Hongbin nodded, taking a deep breath.
"I wouldn't have invited him, but-"
Hongbin shook his head, "It’s fine, Sanghyuk. We're all friends." He pretended to be cool. Why shouldn't he be cool? After all, he and Ken had been friends before. He knew, though, that it was pretty damn obvious to everyone that he wasn't really cool with the way they'd been acting toward him. He didn't know why he still tried to pretend.
He decided to take another shot.
Around midnight, he still wasn't that drunk. Mostly, he was just tipsy. He watched from a bar stool as N and Hyuk seemed lost in each other and Ravi and Taekwoon were talking to some girls in a booth. He turned around and ordered two more shots for himself.
The bar tender sent them his way and he caught them just as he heard the booming voice shout, "Happy birthday, you little punk!"
He almost didn't turn around, but he found that he couldn't really stop himself. It was almost as if he was drawn to it, no matter how much he didn't want to be. There he stood, squeezing Hyuk in an almost uncomfortable way and trying to kiss his face while Hyuk tried to get away. He could only stare, taking immediate notice of the white button up shirt Ken was wearing, a shirt Hongbin knew he'd bought him himself.
Ken didn't look any different from when they were together. He still looked chipper and upbeat. He still looked exactly like Ken in all the ways Hongbin had known him. The only difference now was this invisible wall between them that only seemed to be effecting Hongbin. This was confirmed when Ken caught his eye after he finished greeting Hyuk and N and walked right over to him.
"Hey," he said, sliding into the chair next to Hongbin. "Long time, no see."
Hongbin only stared for a moment before nodding and saying, "Yeah, it's been awhile." Although, he found no matter how hard he tried to manage some sort of smile or anything besides a grimace, he couldn't force his face to move.
Ken laughed light-heartedly. He ordered a drink and then asked, "How have you been?"
Hongbin took a sip of the drink in front of him so he could conjure up some decent answer. "Fine, I guess," was all he came up with in the end.
Ken nodded, "That's good. That's really good." He took his drink from the bartender. He turned around in his bar stood to face open floor, but leaned back against the bar, a little bit closer to Hongbin. "Look, Hongbin," he started, "we're cool, right? I mean, you're really okay?"
Hongbin wanted to say no, but this night wasn't about him and what he wanted. He didn't want to ruin Hyuk's birthday by bringing up the old news that was him and Ken. He felt himself almost unable to swallow, his spit felt so thick. He used all of his power to just not clench his hand. "I'm fine," he repeated.
Ken gave him a pitying look that morphed into a half smile, "If you say so." He got up from the stool, "I'll see you around."
Then, he was off. That was the only direct interaction he'd probably have with Ken all night, so he rewarded himself with a couple more shots since he'd made it out without completely breaking down.
He downed both shots before turning to scan the room. He spotted the white shirt across the room with Ravi and those girls. He tried not to be jealous that Ken was paying attention to Ravi because it was Ravi, Hongbin's best friend, and Ravi would never do that not only because he was straight, but simply because he wouldn't do that to Hongbin. Still, he felt jealous and he couldn't deny it.
Taekwoon walked up to him while he watched the other two, nodding at him in greeting. Hongbin nodded back. Taekwoon sat next to him and followed his line of vision.
"What did you two talk about?" Taekwoon asked.
Hongbin turned to look at him, "You saw?"
Taekwoon nodded, not bothering to tell Hongbin that everyone saw it.
Hongbin just shrugged, "He just asked me how I was." It was the same question everyone had asked him, but somehow it felt different when Ken had asked him.
"Did you tell him?" Taekwoon said. Taekwoon didn't have to clarify because Hongbin knew exactly what he meant.
"What do you think?" Hongbin said.
Taekwoon sighed, "Should we drink then?" He turned around to the bar and ordered them a few shots.
Hongbin turned around with him, but not until he scanned over Ken again, who seemed to be having the time of his life over with Ravi and those girls. He only needed to see him laugh and smile with people who weren't him for a second before he felt too jealous to look anymore.
After a few more shots with Taekwoon, Hongbin was finally drunk. It was a good thing, too, because the music wasn't loud enough to drown out Ken's laughter even though he was all the way across the room. Hongbin's head lay against the bar, eyes closed as he imagined something just for himself. He didn't usually do this kind of thing in public, but he was drunk and told himself if there was any night he got to cheat on his rules for keeping his dignity it was tonight.
The laughter reminded him of when they were in bed together, for some reason. Before or after they had sex, it didn't matter. Ken laughed a lot, so it was kind of a signature to his whole personality. Though, for some reason it reminded Hongbin of their most intimate moments.
Ken smiled at him differently after they had sex. He pulled him in and kissed him all over like a giant 'thank you'. Their bodies fit together almost perfectly as well. Ken liked to press his chin into Hongbin's shoulder when they slept and Hongbin could almost feel Ken's arms around him.
"Hongbin," Taekwoon said, suddenly ripping him from his day dream.
"Huh?" Hongbin sits up, Taekwoon coming into his foggy vision.
Taekwoon smiled slightly, "If you're tired we can go."
Ken's laughter boomed from across the room again.
Hongbin shook his head, "I don't want to go yet." He shook his head. He turned around, elbows against the bar stool. He decided to cheat again and take another glance at Ken, wearing the white shirt that Hongbin had bought him. Perhaps he had worn it on purpose and Ken would come to him by the end of the night.
He'd come to him and say, "This is a little ridiculous, huh? I still love you." At least, that was something Hongbin had dreamed about. He tried not to let himself think it was a real possibility, though.
Taekwoon sighed, "Alright, we'll stay for a little longer." He looked at the other side of the room at something, "I'm going to go over where Hyuk is, alright? Don't get into trouble."
Hongbin simply nodded, not taking his eyes off of Ken. He wasn't positive, but he swore Ken kept glancing over as well. However, he'd had enough to drink that he thought it could also be his imagination making things up.
After a minute or two, he knew it wasn't. He saw the small glances Ken kept giving him, very deliberate. He was dancing with one of the girls from earlier, but with every turn he'd see Ken's eyes meet his for even just a moment. It was enough to keep Hongbin from looking anywhere else. It was killing him, but it was also giving him some sick form of life.
They stopped dancing after a while and Ken leaned over to whisper in the girl's ear. Their eyes locked while he whispered to the girl for almost a full minute. Hongbin's heart was completely stopped.
When Ken pulled away, the girl giggled, but took his hand. Ken smiled at her and started taking her across the room toward Hyuk. Hongbin's eyes followed them the whole way. Ken said something to Hyuk, Hongbin couldn't tell what because they were too far away. Hongbin saw Ken look over his shoulder one more time, lip twitching upward just slightly as his eyes met Hongbin's one last time. Then, Ken left with the girl Hongbin didn't know.
Hongbin couldn't tear his eyes away from the door for a long time. He didn't want to believe what he'd just seen. Surely he'd made it all up. He felt the vile rising in his throat. He felt absolutely sick and it had nothing to do with alcohol.
He waited a moment, really trying to calm himself down before he bolted for the door. Ravi stood in his way, asking what happened, but Hongbin was in too much of a hurry to get out of there to make up any excuses this time, so he pushed passed him and made his way out the door.
Once outside, he went into the alley besides the bar, puking to his heart’s content there. Ken had stared him down and left with a girl. He made sure Hongbin saw him leave with that girl. Hongbin dry heaved after puking for a minute before calming down enough to simply sit and try to breathe.
Before he could get himself under control, someone came and kicked at his foot. He looked up through bleery eyes, knowing Taekwoon from anywhere.
"Get up," Taekwoon said. "Let's go."
Hongbin leaned forward, "I have to say goodbye to Sanghyuk." He tried to get up, but he really didn't have the strength now.
Taekwoon held out his hands and helped Hongbin up, "No, I already did. He understands. No one needs to see you like this." He put one of Hongbin's arms around him to steady him and helped him toward the car.
"Fuck," Hongbin cursed, covering his face with the back of his hand as he sat in the passenger’s seat, Taekwoon in the driver seat. "Just fuck," he repeated.
"It's my fault," Taekwoon said, starting the car. "I shouldn't have left you alone. I'm sorry."
Hongbin felt like he wanted to punch something. All Hongbin had been able to do was watch. "He left with a-" he couldn't even finish. He was shaking.
"I know," Taekwoon said.
The anger changed quickly, though. He actually tried to hold onto that because he didn't want to feel what was coming next. "I mean, it might've been different if it wasn't-"
"Would it have?" Taekwoon interjected again. He too seemed solemn.
Hongbin's whole jaw shook. He didn't know, but he did know that Ken had looked at him. He deliberately made sure Hongbin watched him leave. "He saw me staring," Hongbin said.
"He what?" Taekwoon said, eyes darting to look at Hongbin then back at the road.
Hongbin almost sobbed, his head falling into his hands. "He saw me staring," he repeated.
The car was completely silent. Hongbin thought he might be sick again. The minute the car stopped, Hongbin threw the door open and puked on his driveway. Taekwoon waited until he was done, then helped him out of the car.
Though Hongbin seemed like he was ready to give up and lay on his couch until he forgot he was alive, Taekwoon made sure to clean him up, put him in clean clothes and everything and then take him to bed. Hongbin wanted to thank him, but he couldn't find the words. It took everything he had not to completely fall apart. Taekwoon brushed his fingers through Hongbin's hair as he lay in his lap, sobbing until he fell asleep.