We were friends once...
Remember after I quit the SILC? We didn't speak for 5 years. What the hell happened? Thought we were better friends than that, and yet you just disappeared from my life. Of course until you needed me for the Centre. *Shrugs* It matters, not. At least that is the lie I tell myself.
It's all right I suppose. I know we really are only friends because of work, and I won't let it bother me none. There's nothing I can do about it anyways. "People should accept what cannot be changed, and not whinge about it!" At least that is what I believe.
Besides I'm used to not having friends. When I moved down here I left all my friends in Alaska. Seems to be the way of it, at least.
Sounded a bit maudlin there didn't I?
You and I only see each other for work. It's not like we'd ever hang out on the weekends or go to the cinema. We're just not that type of friends, I guess. And there seems to be no change to this reality.
Since Tuesday night I've done nothing, but think and I realized: If I had to make a choice between a person I'd want to be closer to as a friend, and my future wife --- I'd choose her. Mostly because what I said is true. It just doesn't seem like you and I would ever be the type of friends who saw each other outside of business. And since that is the case, I do not want to antagonize my wife for not.
Surely you understand?
Damn it all! Thought I could write all that without getting upset, but in all honesty this bothers more than you'll ever realize.
When everybody was saying all sorts of things about how odd it was for you to come over to my house for work, I kept on saying, "We're friends. He knows I do not like the heat, and I often feel like shite."
The more I said we are friends the more I doubted it. Truly what right do I have to lay a claim to a friendship that I'm unsure about? Seems like planting a flag in a country and claiming it without regard.
It is not like I do not wish we really were friends. I just doubt that will ever come to be. Sometimes it makes me so sad I want to cry. But what would be the point of such tears?
Some days I miss the way it used to be when at least we saw each other once every three months, and would go to dinner and a film. God! Do you remember the night you went to that club with your friends from Portland. I was so angry that you didn't ask me. It would have been so damn fun.
Odd to think of that now. Your "friend" that you do not like to speak of. I'm certain I know the reason: She always did have a thing for you. Hopefully you did not do anything stupid! Sometimes I fear that you did, because I recall that look on your wife's face: Dead eyes as though all life had been snapped out of her. She was like a ghost. A sleepwalker.
Loyalty. That I believe in! It's not just an arcane concept to me. It's for that reason alone, I do not think you'd ever betray your wife. The only way I'd ever accept it would be if you told me yourself. Even then I would be most shocked. Despite my suspicions, somehow I cannot believe them to be true.
You are SO much better than that! For you to act wrongly in any given situation is just something I could never accept. I think so highly of you. Surely it'd be an impossibility: You in the wrong?
It's all right I suppose. I know we really are only friends because of work, and I won't let it bother me none. There's nothing I can do about it anyways. "People should accept what cannot be changed, and not whinge about it!" At least that is what I believe.
Besides I'm used to not having friends. When I moved down here I left all my friends in Alaska. Seems to be the way of it, at least.
Sounded a bit maudlin there didn't I?
You and I only see each other for work. It's not like we'd ever hang out on the weekends or go to the cinema. We're just not that type of friends, I guess. And there seems to be no change to this reality.
Since Tuesday night I've done nothing, but think and I realized: If I had to make a choice between a person I'd want to be closer to as a friend, and my future wife --- I'd choose her. Mostly because what I said is true. It just doesn't seem like you and I would ever be the type of friends who saw each other outside of business. And since that is the case, I do not want to antagonize my wife for not.
Surely you understand?
Damn it all! Thought I could write all that without getting upset, but in all honesty this bothers more than you'll ever realize.
When everybody was saying all sorts of things about how odd it was for you to come over to my house for work, I kept on saying, "We're friends. He knows I do not like the heat, and I often feel like shite."
The more I said we are friends the more I doubted it. Truly what right do I have to lay a claim to a friendship that I'm unsure about? Seems like planting a flag in a country and claiming it without regard.
It is not like I do not wish we really were friends. I just doubt that will ever come to be. Sometimes it makes me so sad I want to cry. But what would be the point of such tears?
Some days I miss the way it used to be when at least we saw each other once every three months, and would go to dinner and a film. God! Do you remember the night you went to that club with your friends from Portland. I was so angry that you didn't ask me. It would have been so damn fun.
Odd to think of that now. Your "friend" that you do not like to speak of. I'm certain I know the reason: She always did have a thing for you. Hopefully you did not do anything stupid! Sometimes I fear that you did, because I recall that look on your wife's face: Dead eyes as though all life had been snapped out of her. She was like a ghost. A sleepwalker.
Loyalty. That I believe in! It's not just an arcane concept to me. It's for that reason alone, I do not think you'd ever betray your wife. The only way I'd ever accept it would be if you told me yourself. Even then I would be most shocked. Despite my suspicions, somehow I cannot believe them to be true.
You are SO much better than that! For you to act wrongly in any given situation is just something I could never accept. I think so highly of you. Surely it'd be an impossibility: You in the wrong?