Sudden realization:
It occurs to me that, should she ever poke around and find this journal and my entries, I want to make sure that I leave nothing unsaid or unclear.
Until I'm told to move on and forget, my feelings for her will remain and they're as strong as ever. I made her a promise never to leave, including not allowing her to run away if she became scared. I have every intention and desire to keep that promise until she specifically releases me from it. I love her with all of my heart and I always will.
That being said, I am sad and hurting. I am such because I am pessimistic. I don't know exactly what's going through her mind, and so I seem to make things up in my own head as I go. I've done this for a very long time and it's a personality flaw. It doesn't matter what I do, I can't stop myself from boarding a train of thought and progressively assuming the worst. It gets more and more pessimistic as time progresses and eventually, I've created all manner of fantastic and improbable scenarios in my own head and they haunt me.
She has done absolutely nothing to warrant or justify this pessimism. She has never betrayed me, lied to me, or misled me. She's been honest, true, and open regarding any concern I've ever had. When I've allowed myself to over-think and worry myself sick, she's been as good as gold to alleviate my fears.
I'm so sad and so hurt because of the intensity of our relationship these past few years. I've risen to new levels of caring and affection that I've never know. I've never felt so loved, so wanted, so needed and so appreciated. I've never been so good at making someone so happy. I felt like I had found my place. I knew her likes and dislikes by heart. I could easily gauge something that she might enjoy vs something that may bother or upset her. I loved knowing someone that well. I loved the time we spent together. I loved the time that we shared as a couple, but in different locations. I never felt abandoned by her...but I began to worry about why she had become so distant. She's reassured me over and over that her feelings for me are the same. I believe her. I just don't understand what happened and how we got here. Perhaps I never will. Maybe I was the right person at the right time for the person that she has been up until now. Perhaps something has changed...and perhaps that change cannot be compensated for within this relationship. I don't know and it's not my call to make. I can only respond to her feelings and her desires. If I'm no longer central among those for her as she is for me, then closure will be inevitable.
I still had a few issues of my own, of course. The ghosts of my past heartaches caused a few problems in various ways. Those were overcome through time and discussion. Then there was my remarkable ability to appear angry or mad when I wasn't. This concerned her and probably put distance between us on more than one occasion. It wasn't just her - since initially making me aware of it, several friends expressed concern about my state of mind. They would notice some expression on my face or tone in my voice and express concern about whether or not I was okay. In all cases (prior to this week) I was just fine. Usually, I was quite happy and content, but I seemed to appear or come off as grumpy, or angry, or upset, etc.
She's been wonderful. Even at the most difficult and upsetting times, she's been more than I could have ever possibly asked for. There is quite a lot to be said for honesty and loyalty. She was both honest and loyal - I never had to question a single thing that she said.
And now, I fear that I do. It's not her fault. It's mine. I'm filled with doubt, because from my position, I can't fathom how feelings, promises, and expressions of love like the ones that we exchanged can change or go away.
My feelings for her never changed...I hope beyond hope that hers haven't either.
We're supposed to catch up Saturday - a touching point to access this strictly maintained isolation. For her benefit, it's so I don't call her or text her every 5 minutes in an attempt to change her mind or plead for her to stay. For my benefit, it has been to adjust or accept the possibility that we could be through. I don't know if I've done more harm than good, but we'll see.
If you love something, set it free. If it returns, it was meant to be.
I just don't know what to do or think if it doesn't return...
Until I'm told to move on and forget, my feelings for her will remain and they're as strong as ever. I made her a promise never to leave, including not allowing her to run away if she became scared. I have every intention and desire to keep that promise until she specifically releases me from it. I love her with all of my heart and I always will.
That being said, I am sad and hurting. I am such because I am pessimistic. I don't know exactly what's going through her mind, and so I seem to make things up in my own head as I go. I've done this for a very long time and it's a personality flaw. It doesn't matter what I do, I can't stop myself from boarding a train of thought and progressively assuming the worst. It gets more and more pessimistic as time progresses and eventually, I've created all manner of fantastic and improbable scenarios in my own head and they haunt me.
She has done absolutely nothing to warrant or justify this pessimism. She has never betrayed me, lied to me, or misled me. She's been honest, true, and open regarding any concern I've ever had. When I've allowed myself to over-think and worry myself sick, she's been as good as gold to alleviate my fears.
I'm so sad and so hurt because of the intensity of our relationship these past few years. I've risen to new levels of caring and affection that I've never know. I've never felt so loved, so wanted, so needed and so appreciated. I've never been so good at making someone so happy. I felt like I had found my place. I knew her likes and dislikes by heart. I could easily gauge something that she might enjoy vs something that may bother or upset her. I loved knowing someone that well. I loved the time we spent together. I loved the time that we shared as a couple, but in different locations. I never felt abandoned by her...but I began to worry about why she had become so distant. She's reassured me over and over that her feelings for me are the same. I believe her. I just don't understand what happened and how we got here. Perhaps I never will. Maybe I was the right person at the right time for the person that she has been up until now. Perhaps something has changed...and perhaps that change cannot be compensated for within this relationship. I don't know and it's not my call to make. I can only respond to her feelings and her desires. If I'm no longer central among those for her as she is for me, then closure will be inevitable.
I still had a few issues of my own, of course. The ghosts of my past heartaches caused a few problems in various ways. Those were overcome through time and discussion. Then there was my remarkable ability to appear angry or mad when I wasn't. This concerned her and probably put distance between us on more than one occasion. It wasn't just her - since initially making me aware of it, several friends expressed concern about my state of mind. They would notice some expression on my face or tone in my voice and express concern about whether or not I was okay. In all cases (prior to this week) I was just fine. Usually, I was quite happy and content, but I seemed to appear or come off as grumpy, or angry, or upset, etc.
She's been wonderful. Even at the most difficult and upsetting times, she's been more than I could have ever possibly asked for. There is quite a lot to be said for honesty and loyalty. She was both honest and loyal - I never had to question a single thing that she said.
And now, I fear that I do. It's not her fault. It's mine. I'm filled with doubt, because from my position, I can't fathom how feelings, promises, and expressions of love like the ones that we exchanged can change or go away.
My feelings for her never changed...I hope beyond hope that hers haven't either.
We're supposed to catch up Saturday - a touching point to access this strictly maintained isolation. For her benefit, it's so I don't call her or text her every 5 minutes in an attempt to change her mind or plead for her to stay. For my benefit, it has been to adjust or accept the possibility that we could be through. I don't know if I've done more harm than good, but we'll see.
If you love something, set it free. If it returns, it was meant to be.
I just don't know what to do or think if it doesn't return...