The Fandom High Times, Volume 7, 3rd Edition
FROM THE EDITOR'S DESK
Welcome back from a wonderful Spring Break, Fandom High! This year's trip to Rio de Janeiro was a clear success, but now it's time to get back to the business of school.
That said, with this being the first day back after break, this week's edition of the Fandom High Times is going to be a little shorter than usual. But don't worry. We have some reflections on the recent past and - more importantly - a look into the future.
by Sam Puckett
Fish (February 19-March 20): You might totally think it's your season right now. After all, it's the end of February, and I hear the moon is coming over to your house. But that really just means that the moon's about to crash into the Earth right on top of you. So, you know, that's going to hurt. A lot.
Rams (March 21-April 20): How awesome are you? I don't think the words even exist. Have an extra plate or two of ribs, this week. You'll thank yourself for it, later.
Cows (April 21-May 20): It sucks to be you guys, and that's not going to change any time soon. My recommendation is that you find a Ram and tell them how awesome they are. I hear that kind of thing is good for karma or whatever.
Twins (May 21-June 21): I got nothing. You all must be super boring.
Crabs (June 22-July 22): You know how sometimes you're going along and everything seems totally fine but then you find out that everyone's actually been talking about you behind your back and they all secretly hate you, they were just all too nice to say anything? Oh, don't worry, I'm sure nothing like that is secretly going on around you.
Lions (July 23-August 22): What the hell is up with your hair? It's called a brush, people. Better invest in one before the gremlins start to think your head might make a good nesting place.
Virgins (August 23-September 22): You're going to get eaten by a rabid bear.
Balancey things (September 23-October 22): You should probably do that thing you were thinking of doing this week. Not because you're running out of time or anything. That rabid bear's only going after the virgins. Yes, I meant that thing you were thinking of doing.
Scorpions (October 23-November 21): You really don't need to worry. That monster has way better things to do than wait until you fall asleep to come creeping out from under your bed. And besides, I'm sure it's only there to rearrange your furniture.
Horse-people (November 22-December 21): Watch out for the rabid-bear-traps. That bait is not meant for you.
Goats (December 22-January 19): Put the aardvark down.
Water carriers (January 20-February 18): You all should really reconsider your mascot. Seriously. Unless you wanna be the one everyone makes buy them drinks all the time. Also, buy me drinks.
FANDOM STRANGENESS UPDATE
by FHT Staff
• Two weeks ago, people apparently had all kinds of intimate interactions as predicted by certain Bingo cards. Remember to get yourself checked at the clinic, folks.
• Last week was Spring Break in Rio, where it was uncommonly nice. That's not necessarily anything to do with Fandom, but it was still special.
THE FINAL WORD
by Dave Nelson
We'll be back at full strength this time next week, Fandom. In the meantime, remember: if you made it this far, that's great practice for getting back to studying. Now go hit the books.
Coffee Pin-Up
credits:
editor: Dave Nelson
words: Dave Nelson, Sam Puckett
pictures: So many people from Fandom High Times past
adviser: Jaye Tyler
Questions? Concerns? Got a hot tip? Send a letter to the editor: letters.fhightimes@fandomhigh.edu!
Want to promote your business and support the newspaper? Contact our ad department!