Some personal mumblings
I know there's like literally only three people looking at my blog at all but eh. May be for the best in this case, ahaha. Let me ramble for a bit.
I feel sorry for everyone for not being as active lately - as in, I will reply if spoken to in chat/skype but I have a hard time replying to PMs and comments, let alone other's work and posts... I STILL LOVE YOU ALL AND LOOK AT ALL THE THINGS AND TOUCH ALL THE THINGS. I just don't feel up to much of anything lately. Heck, I even skipped a dentist's appointment today and am now procrastinating on making a phonecall to get myself a new appointment. There's a lot of things I technically wanna do too, like drawing (especially mission and event submission for the RP group I'm modding over on dA), finishing my Cosplay, making something for the Tea Party I'll be attending in June.... But there's just no motivation. More like, a mental barricade that keeps me from doing things.
That's just the tip of things though. The point is, I need to get myself to get professional help, and I've known this for a year if not two. I'm stuck neck-deep in depression and even if it's not the actively self-harming or even suicidal type, I am suffering and it keeps me from getting my life in order. I most likely need someone to grab my hand and drag me along to do things to make up for my own disability of taking those steps on my own... In that regard my living situation is a little unfortunate, I guess, haha. The friend I would prefer to have at my side for these things lives a 6-hour train ride from here and while my sister is in reachable range, I know she has her own troubles to deal with so I wouldn't want to push my things on her.
And then there's the topic of talking to my parents about it. I talked with friends, my sister & her fiancé and even the chaplain lady at my old university about it, but I'm still scared of talking to my parents. I don't want to be more of a disappointment than I already feel I am, and I'm also afraid they might reject me, like "You're not depressed, you're just lazy!" or something. It's scary. However, while I spent New Year's and a few days after at my sister's place and felt the time was fun overall, I cried like what, 4 times already this year? Maybe 5? I burst into tears 3-4 times during my talk with the job counselor I had in december alone. So yeah, something's definitely not right, and I don't feel up to job training right now. Even if an apprenticeship itself would only start in september, I'd have to deal with applications and interviews now, and I certainly don't feel like I can bear it.
I know, ranting about things on the internet won't change a thing, but I just wanted to talk about it, ugh. Explain myself maybe. Why I'm being quiet. I'm still here, I still love my things, I still love my people, I don't exactly love myself, ahaha.
I feel sorry for everyone for not being as active lately - as in, I will reply if spoken to in chat/skype but I have a hard time replying to PMs and comments, let alone other's work and posts... I STILL LOVE YOU ALL AND LOOK AT ALL THE THINGS AND TOUCH ALL THE THINGS. I just don't feel up to much of anything lately. Heck, I even skipped a dentist's appointment today and am now procrastinating on making a phonecall to get myself a new appointment. There's a lot of things I technically wanna do too, like drawing (especially mission and event submission for the RP group I'm modding over on dA), finishing my Cosplay, making something for the Tea Party I'll be attending in June.... But there's just no motivation. More like, a mental barricade that keeps me from doing things.
That's just the tip of things though. The point is, I need to get myself to get professional help, and I've known this for a year if not two. I'm stuck neck-deep in depression and even if it's not the actively self-harming or even suicidal type, I am suffering and it keeps me from getting my life in order. I most likely need someone to grab my hand and drag me along to do things to make up for my own disability of taking those steps on my own... In that regard my living situation is a little unfortunate, I guess, haha. The friend I would prefer to have at my side for these things lives a 6-hour train ride from here and while my sister is in reachable range, I know she has her own troubles to deal with so I wouldn't want to push my things on her.
And then there's the topic of talking to my parents about it. I talked with friends, my sister & her fiancé and even the chaplain lady at my old university about it, but I'm still scared of talking to my parents. I don't want to be more of a disappointment than I already feel I am, and I'm also afraid they might reject me, like "You're not depressed, you're just lazy!" or something. It's scary. However, while I spent New Year's and a few days after at my sister's place and felt the time was fun overall, I cried like what, 4 times already this year? Maybe 5? I burst into tears 3-4 times during my talk with the job counselor I had in december alone. So yeah, something's definitely not right, and I don't feel up to job training right now. Even if an apprenticeship itself would only start in september, I'd have to deal with applications and interviews now, and I certainly don't feel like I can bear it.
I know, ranting about things on the internet won't change a thing, but I just wanted to talk about it, ugh. Explain myself maybe. Why I'm being quiet. I'm still here, I still love my things, I still love my people, I don't exactly love myself, ahaha.