The Internet, Five Seconds To Midnight, Friday Fandomtime
Portalocity had put out a lot of press releases in their time. About outages, about deals, about splendiferous feats done by members of Portalocity staff to get into the Guinness Book of Multiversal Records.
None of them had been anything like this.
To anyone who is still capable of reading this,
We're sorry to inform you that as of seven PM Portalocity Standard Time tomorrow evening (that means 7 PM across the board!), December 3rd/Haring 3rd/3 Ringarë/the third of the last month in whatever calendar you may be using, we will be ceasing all portal operations within a range of everywhere, everytime.
This is not a DDoS attack. It is not technical failure on our part, at least not in the ordinary sense of the word. No one has hacked us, no one has fallen asleep on the job, and since our PR department vanished early this morning, no one is here to feed you any lines of bull - pardon our Aklo. What this is, is the end of the multiverse itself, and the entire portal infrastructure is failing.
It has been an honor and a privilege to serve you all these millennia. Yes, even the times we had angry Jedi knocking on our doors wielding protosabers. We, the Survivors of Portalocity, have striven to bring universes together, to nurture understanding between wildly different species, and to bring you the best service we could possibly offer, even if you were stranded in a Hell dimension. (Yes, those Mai Tais were complimentary!)
But our time together has come to an end. Today, we will make our last stand.
We intend to keep this thing at bay until the previously designated time, but we can't guarantee it. If you order a portal prior to seven PM on the designated date and it does not show, we direct you to any local Portalocity branch offices that might still be in existence. They'll file your complaints.
Good luck and godspeed to all of you. We'll see you in the afterlife of your choosing.
Kind regards,
The Portalocity Support Team
P.S. an artifact was bequeathed upon us by the last member of the PR department shortly before she died. She was very insistent that it be shared with our clientele. "For your convenience, we have converted the first 100,000 frequent traveler kilometers of all of our valued customers into drink vouchers.*
* vouchers only good for alcoholic beverages at Milliways Bar; Pan-Galactic Gargleblasters not included."
Make of this what you wish. We won't.
Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be, the future's not ours to see--some exceptions may apply to psychics, seers, Jedi, and people wearing tinfoil hats. Void in Pittsburgh, the Dark Ages, and Nickelback concerts.
Please add deals@portalocity.com to your address book or safe sender list so our emails (should there be any others) get to your inbox. This message was sent by Portalocity ™, Mushroom By The Glade, None of Your Business, Sometime.
Please follow us at Portalocity on Twitter and on Facebook!
You are receiving this email because you have an existing relationship with Portalocity. If you no longer wish to receive marketing communications, you can unsubscribe.
The Portalocity representative who had been elected to do PR in the wake of the disappearance of the entire PR staff... sighed, and clicked send. Then he reached into his pocket and produced his camera phone, which he put up on a ledge.
He made a picture.
He pressed a few buttons, andsent it off to twitpic.
And then ran screaming into the breach.
None of them had been anything like this.
To anyone who is still capable of reading this,
We're sorry to inform you that as of seven PM Portalocity Standard Time tomorrow evening (that means 7 PM across the board!), December 3rd/Haring 3rd/3 Ringarë/the third of the last month in whatever calendar you may be using, we will be ceasing all portal operations within a range of everywhere, everytime.
This is not a DDoS attack. It is not technical failure on our part, at least not in the ordinary sense of the word. No one has hacked us, no one has fallen asleep on the job, and since our PR department vanished early this morning, no one is here to feed you any lines of bull - pardon our Aklo. What this is, is the end of the multiverse itself, and the entire portal infrastructure is failing.
It has been an honor and a privilege to serve you all these millennia. Yes, even the times we had angry Jedi knocking on our doors wielding protosabers. We, the Survivors of Portalocity, have striven to bring universes together, to nurture understanding between wildly different species, and to bring you the best service we could possibly offer, even if you were stranded in a Hell dimension. (Yes, those Mai Tais were complimentary!)
But our time together has come to an end. Today, we will make our last stand.
We intend to keep this thing at bay until the previously designated time, but we can't guarantee it. If you order a portal prior to seven PM on the designated date and it does not show, we direct you to any local Portalocity branch offices that might still be in existence. They'll file your complaints.
Good luck and godspeed to all of you. We'll see you in the afterlife of your choosing.
Kind regards,
The Portalocity Support Team
P.S. an artifact was bequeathed upon us by the last member of the PR department shortly before she died. She was very insistent that it be shared with our clientele. "For your convenience, we have converted the first 100,000 frequent traveler kilometers of all of our valued customers into drink vouchers.*
* vouchers only good for alcoholic beverages at Milliways Bar; Pan-Galactic Gargleblasters not included."
Make of this what you wish. We won't.
Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be, the future's not ours to see--some exceptions may apply to psychics, seers, Jedi, and people wearing tinfoil hats. Void in Pittsburgh, the Dark Ages, and Nickelback concerts.
Please add deals@portalocity.com to your address book or safe sender list so our emails (should there be any others) get to your inbox. This message was sent by Portalocity ™, Mushroom By The Glade, None of Your Business, Sometime.
Please follow us at Portalocity on Twitter and on Facebook!
You are receiving this email because you have an existing relationship with Portalocity. If you no longer wish to receive marketing communications, you can unsubscribe.
The Portalocity representative who had been elected to do PR in the wake of the disappearance of the entire PR staff... sighed, and clicked send. Then he reached into his pocket and produced his camera phone, which he put up on a ledge.
He made a picture.
He pressed a few buttons, andsent it off to twitpic.
And then ran screaming into the breach.