Sample for Wesley (S5)
I've often wondered. What if.
What if I'd not joined Wolfram and Hart? Would I have gotten together with Fred? Would Fred have died? Would I still have my mind, my sanity? What if I had given up on Fred, would she still be alive? Would she have gotten with Knox and his love for her kept her alive instead of killing her? If Angel hadn't erased my memory, *our* memories, would Fred have fallen in love with me? The real me. The one who betrayed them all. The one who tried to save them all. The one who failed them all.
"You are my sunshine, my daily sunshine..."
If hadn't taken Connor, would I have noticed something was wrong with Cordelia? Would she still be alive? If we'd not joined Wolfram and Hart, would we have known she died sooner? Would she have gotten the chance to come back that one day to say goodbye. Not that we said much of a goodbye, but in a way we did. Did she forgive us for joining the firm, trying to get to it from the inside?
"You still have the best Mojo in town"
If I'd not been so angry and bitter that summer, would Lilah have gotten so close to get under my skin? If my head would’ve allowed it as well as my heart, would I've been able to save her? It was only when it was to late that I knew just how much I cared for her, missed her. One doesn't go dashing off into a building under siege for nothing. But we were never meant to be, we never stood a chance. If only she would've told the truth in the file room when I tried to save her.
"It means something that you tried."
And failed.
Just like I failed Fred. Just like I failed Cordelia. Just like I will fail Gunn, Angel, Spike, and Illyria. Which is why I'm staying in this office. There has to be something in the books. There has to be something in here to help them all. I heard through the grapevines, as they so nicely called it, that Eve got fired. Good, the little twit got on my last nerves. Trying to be Lilah and not even worthy of looking at her shoes. No one can even come close to Lilah when it comes to working here. Would she have warned me? Us? About Fred, about Illyria?
I've not seen anyone in days. The employees are making a wide berth when it comes to my office. Just because I shot someone...alright, several someone’s. They deserved it though. Even my friends weren't coming around. Though, Lorne does try on a daily basis. We have tea and chat about old movies it's nice. Until the books call me again. Because I've quite a lot of work to do. There are prophecies to unfold, mysteries to solve, nursery rhymes to be sun.
I'm quite a busy man these days. I'm...quite a lonely man these days. I never though it was possible to feel worse then that summer they all turned their back on me.
I was wrong.
Again.
Sighing, I check my watch, wondering of Lorne was going to be late for our tea. It was already ten minutes passed. Holding a book to my chest, I paced around the office nervously. Perhaps I should call him. Or-or go see him, but that would mean putting on my shoes. That would mean going out of the office. Facing the outside world. I don't think so. I'm staying with my books, because they would never lie to me. Not like everyone else.
"It's lie-lah, get it?"