Fuck me in the ass!
Some people are going to wanna smack me after this, but I cant help it.
I came home about 10min ago, hopped online and started checking away messages. Went through a couple, then came to this one. And I clicked the "x" the instant I read it. I felt sick to my stomach. I cant do it. I fucking cant. I still cant. Eh, its horrible. I mean, its only been just over a month. I dont know...well I do. I just dont want to say it all on here. This is tough as shit to do. And I know this is like beating a dead horse here, but no one is online to chat about it. So I need to write or tell someone. I figure this is the best thing. This might end up really long, or its gonna end very soon. Not sure yet. I listen to certain songs and turn them off. Then others I crank up. I am listening to DMB out of nowhere. Couldnt stand that music a month ago. Now I listen to it once a day. I wonder about alot. She called me Saturday night. I knew it was her, and she knows I just ignored the ringing. I feel really bad about it. I still care. If she ever needed me, truely needed me, I would be here. But I know I wont be the first person she calls. And that is why this is so hard. There is a new number one in her life. I know I fucked up some things, but I woulda never expected this ending. I want to be able to just forget about her, thats how much it hurts. But everytime I think I have, she pops into my head again. I try to just push her back out, but I cant always do it. I am really happy when I dont think about her, I have to be honest. But I feel so bad. I care too much. In fact, its way too much. I shouldnt care this much about someone who hurt me so much. But I do. It sounds crazy, but if she ever came to me...I would welcome her with open arms. I do want my Lindsey back. I do. I just keep telling myself, it cant happen. But deep down inside I want her. I have never clicked with someone like I did her. I love her, still do, and always will.
I am looking to leave in 4months. I will be back in April for 10days. Then I leave again and get stationed at a base. Not sure how long I will spend at the base, but I will spend 2yrs total in Iraq. I am thinking I am gonna get in my contract I wanna get stationed in San Diego. Never been past Chicago, maybe Cali will be nice. I have accepted the fact I am gonna loose touch with alot of people. I ask that everyone, if I loose touch, leave a trail. I want to be able to find everyone. Please. I will be away for minimum of 4yrs. Thats alot of time. All my friends will be done school, started jobs. Some might even start a family, who knows. I just know there are some people I really want to be able to find.
Pettit, you will get letters all the time.
Jordan needs to know what kinda distruction I am causing.
Taco, I am living your dream man. I want you to know what its like.
Bobby T, dont crash your car.
Brian, you gotta quit the smoking. You can do something with your life. Find what it is soon, for me.
Nir, when I get out you better be driving stick and changing your own oil.
Rob....dont blow ALL of your money. Save some of it.
Lindsey, better known as Mo Chroi. I am here. You can find me if you need me. Dont change. And I will always love you.
This is my ultimate toast, to everyone I hold close. If your not on the list, dont worry. Just know I am around somewhere.
I came home about 10min ago, hopped online and started checking away messages. Went through a couple, then came to this one. And I clicked the "x" the instant I read it. I felt sick to my stomach. I cant do it. I fucking cant. I still cant. Eh, its horrible. I mean, its only been just over a month. I dont know...well I do. I just dont want to say it all on here. This is tough as shit to do. And I know this is like beating a dead horse here, but no one is online to chat about it. So I need to write or tell someone. I figure this is the best thing. This might end up really long, or its gonna end very soon. Not sure yet. I listen to certain songs and turn them off. Then others I crank up. I am listening to DMB out of nowhere. Couldnt stand that music a month ago. Now I listen to it once a day. I wonder about alot. She called me Saturday night. I knew it was her, and she knows I just ignored the ringing. I feel really bad about it. I still care. If she ever needed me, truely needed me, I would be here. But I know I wont be the first person she calls. And that is why this is so hard. There is a new number one in her life. I know I fucked up some things, but I woulda never expected this ending. I want to be able to just forget about her, thats how much it hurts. But everytime I think I have, she pops into my head again. I try to just push her back out, but I cant always do it. I am really happy when I dont think about her, I have to be honest. But I feel so bad. I care too much. In fact, its way too much. I shouldnt care this much about someone who hurt me so much. But I do. It sounds crazy, but if she ever came to me...I would welcome her with open arms. I do want my Lindsey back. I do. I just keep telling myself, it cant happen. But deep down inside I want her. I have never clicked with someone like I did her. I love her, still do, and always will.
I am looking to leave in 4months. I will be back in April for 10days. Then I leave again and get stationed at a base. Not sure how long I will spend at the base, but I will spend 2yrs total in Iraq. I am thinking I am gonna get in my contract I wanna get stationed in San Diego. Never been past Chicago, maybe Cali will be nice. I have accepted the fact I am gonna loose touch with alot of people. I ask that everyone, if I loose touch, leave a trail. I want to be able to find everyone. Please. I will be away for minimum of 4yrs. Thats alot of time. All my friends will be done school, started jobs. Some might even start a family, who knows. I just know there are some people I really want to be able to find.
Pettit, you will get letters all the time.
Jordan needs to know what kinda distruction I am causing.
Taco, I am living your dream man. I want you to know what its like.
Bobby T, dont crash your car.
Brian, you gotta quit the smoking. You can do something with your life. Find what it is soon, for me.
Nir, when I get out you better be driving stick and changing your own oil.
Rob....dont blow ALL of your money. Save some of it.
Lindsey, better known as Mo Chroi. I am here. You can find me if you need me. Dont change. And I will always love you.
This is my ultimate toast, to everyone I hold close. If your not on the list, dont worry. Just know I am around somewhere.