So I got up this morning and I said to myself...
...I said, "You lazy bum, get out of bed and do something with yourself." So--because I like to take my own advice--I got out of bed and went to my computer. "Nothing strange about that," you might say, but just wait! I opened my computer--obviously I have a laptop--at least I think it's a laptop--and I went to my Yahoo, because that's my home page of choice. While I was at my Yahoo I read my horoscope, which said for today, "There's some serious smack-talk going on in your mind at the moment, and you should listen carefully. There's someone who needs to be knocked off their pedestal." Now I'm not one to go against the cosmos, and at any rate I wanted to at least put myself in the right position to fulfill my daily prophecy, so I set out to find someone "on a pedestal," as it were, who needed to be knocked off. Well, I didn't quite set out immediately. Naturally I showered and shaved and ate a Zone bar and watched 7 minutes of Morning Call on MSNBC because it's apparently the only channel in my house.
From there it was off to work. I'll spare you the work details. Suffice it to say that I work outside, and I'm glad that sunscreen exists. Besides, there were no pedestals at work today. So I got home and proceeded--once again--to my laptop. "Why back to the laptop? Didn't you already read your horoscope? Had you forgotten your mission that quickly?" All valid questions, I must say, but no to all. I tried CitySearch this time, but they didn't have any listings for pedestals. Just as I was about to look it up on Wikipedia, a thought occured to me: "why not check the rest of the horoscopes for someone supposed to be knocked off his/her pedestal?" "Why not, indeed?" I answered myself, and was back to my Yahoo in a flash. There was nothing really interesting. Aries was supposed to have a groovy day, and Sagittarius was supposed to get out and find his groove, and Capricorn was just supposed to "hunker down" and get in the work groove. Nobody was supposed to be knocked off a pedestal. I couldn't understand it. "How can I knock someone off a pedestal when nobody is supposed to be knocked off?" I asked myself; and I thought, and I thought, and I thought, and then I answered myself: "I should just push nobody off his pedestal!" I should have thought of that hours before, but of course I didn't until then, and by then it was already 2PM. I couldn't remember where nobody was at 2PM, so I went to the local coffee shop.
Coffee Plantation was almost deserted at 2PM, so I went inside and got a small iced tea. I went to get a lid and realized something crazy: the small lids are the same size as the large lids, but the medium lids are a completely different size. Naturally I got a large lid, and just as naturally I got a red straw--you have to get the red straws, because they're made of thicker plastic which doesn't break as easily as the clear straws. I sat and waited for nobody, but nobody never shows up to Coffee Plantation at 2PM, so I sat there until 4PM. By 4PM I had exhausted my small supply of iced tea, so I went to my car and decided to go looking for nobody at the mall. "Surely," I said to myself, "the mall will have pedestals. And just as surely," I continued, "nobody will be standing on one of the pedestals." So off I drove to Fashion Square, because I know for a fact that nobody prefers Fashion Square over PV Mall.
I got to Fashion Square and bypassed valet--because nobody doesn't park valet, so there was a chance I would see nobody's car in the regular garage. However, I did not see nobody's car in the regular garage, so I turned around and left the Fashion Square. "Surely," I said to myself, "nobody will be at Pop the Soda Shop, because it closes in half an hour."(obviously by this time it was 4:30PM) "Then off to the Pop Shop it is," I said to myself, "before it closes and nobody leaves."
When I got to the Pop Shop I knew nobody was there. I saw his silver Honda Element--which is eerily similar to my own silver Honda Element--parked outside. As I walked closer to the shop I saw nobody talking to Jeff--one of the Soda Shop employees--and motioning upward into the air. Suddenly nobody grabbed a chair and leapt onto it, standing tall--on a pedestal, as it were--and apparently preaching vehemently about his new favorite soda: Leninade. You could imagine my joy as I opened the door, jumped inside, and pushed nobody right off this "pedestal." Having fulfilled my daily prophecy I kindly helped nobody to his feet, bought two Bawls, a strawberry Crush, and a Jones blue bubblegum soda, and went home.
From there it was off to work. I'll spare you the work details. Suffice it to say that I work outside, and I'm glad that sunscreen exists. Besides, there were no pedestals at work today. So I got home and proceeded--once again--to my laptop. "Why back to the laptop? Didn't you already read your horoscope? Had you forgotten your mission that quickly?" All valid questions, I must say, but no to all. I tried CitySearch this time, but they didn't have any listings for pedestals. Just as I was about to look it up on Wikipedia, a thought occured to me: "why not check the rest of the horoscopes for someone supposed to be knocked off his/her pedestal?" "Why not, indeed?" I answered myself, and was back to my Yahoo in a flash. There was nothing really interesting. Aries was supposed to have a groovy day, and Sagittarius was supposed to get out and find his groove, and Capricorn was just supposed to "hunker down" and get in the work groove. Nobody was supposed to be knocked off a pedestal. I couldn't understand it. "How can I knock someone off a pedestal when nobody is supposed to be knocked off?" I asked myself; and I thought, and I thought, and I thought, and then I answered myself: "I should just push nobody off his pedestal!" I should have thought of that hours before, but of course I didn't until then, and by then it was already 2PM. I couldn't remember where nobody was at 2PM, so I went to the local coffee shop.
Coffee Plantation was almost deserted at 2PM, so I went inside and got a small iced tea. I went to get a lid and realized something crazy: the small lids are the same size as the large lids, but the medium lids are a completely different size. Naturally I got a large lid, and just as naturally I got a red straw--you have to get the red straws, because they're made of thicker plastic which doesn't break as easily as the clear straws. I sat and waited for nobody, but nobody never shows up to Coffee Plantation at 2PM, so I sat there until 4PM. By 4PM I had exhausted my small supply of iced tea, so I went to my car and decided to go looking for nobody at the mall. "Surely," I said to myself, "the mall will have pedestals. And just as surely," I continued, "nobody will be standing on one of the pedestals." So off I drove to Fashion Square, because I know for a fact that nobody prefers Fashion Square over PV Mall.
I got to Fashion Square and bypassed valet--because nobody doesn't park valet, so there was a chance I would see nobody's car in the regular garage. However, I did not see nobody's car in the regular garage, so I turned around and left the Fashion Square. "Surely," I said to myself, "nobody will be at Pop the Soda Shop, because it closes in half an hour."(obviously by this time it was 4:30PM) "Then off to the Pop Shop it is," I said to myself, "before it closes and nobody leaves."
When I got to the Pop Shop I knew nobody was there. I saw his silver Honda Element--which is eerily similar to my own silver Honda Element--parked outside. As I walked closer to the shop I saw nobody talking to Jeff--one of the Soda Shop employees--and motioning upward into the air. Suddenly nobody grabbed a chair and leapt onto it, standing tall--on a pedestal, as it were--and apparently preaching vehemently about his new favorite soda: Leninade. You could imagine my joy as I opened the door, jumped inside, and pushed nobody right off this "pedestal." Having fulfilled my daily prophecy I kindly helped nobody to his feet, bought two Bawls, a strawberry Crush, and a Jones blue bubblegum soda, and went home.