looking back
it's been two years.
------------------------------------------------------
jaded.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
it is easy for you to feign ignorance because it obviously hasn't touched you as greatly as it did me.
the wounds fester openly now. i wish i could find an explanation for all these things that're going on in my life, in my mind right now. i wish someone could tell me why these seemingly-beautiful things can go so wrong within such a short span of time. we all know this kinda pain doesn't just go away like that, any fool can tell you that. they linger and come back every now and then to gnaw and feed on your soul. you can't be completely cured. the only hope you can have is for the scab to form as soon as possible without an infection taking place. even so, you just get reminded everytime you see the scars.
still, it can be as simple as that. no words need be exchanged. i could have been very happy. but i chose not to. i'm not a conformist; i'm a rebel. i don't work within the confines of what is acceptable.
i hate them so much, it hurts to think of them. and yet i love them so dearly at the same time when i recall the shared memories and time spent together.
i implore you now, to take some time to understand and digest what i'm going to say next.
something in the outer world is touched, perhaps the pen i was holding a minute ago, but it is a meaningless gesture. then as the object is touched, the mind recoils, moving away from the physical contact with the present into the past, wandering in a reverie that is as formless and far-reaching as the night outside. the reverie ends, the ballooning thought returns to the space where life is. something else is touched, say my face or hair; reverie begins again, in a movement that is like a man's swimming, sinking and touching bottom in order to rise up again into the currents of the water. in such situations, time as an adjunct of reality has stopped, which explains why my sleeping hours(6.30pm-8pm, 3am-6am) are crazy now; forward motion has ended. the slow turning of memory is the only action in my life.
and life, becomes a dream of pain you can't seem to wake up from. there're just one too many ironic and oxymoronic situations and dumb realities and truths you have to face in this life; there is no vision of beautitude for me.
do you hear the howl of a soul lost in hell?
feebs
4:27pm
-------------------------------------
it starts with 'H'
Sunday, July 24, 2005
you know sometimes, how people have to literally FORCE you to give up on something before you'd budge? i suddenly remembered the times when i was younger, when i refuse to stop sucking from my milkbottle or when she threw my dear beanbag that i carry to sleep every night. my mom had to sneakily throw them away while i was at school. i made such a big scene at home when i found out, staring at the dark hole of the rubbish chute and screaming for them to come back up before i finally got exhausted. and some letters i'd kept so dearly for so long and one day i find them missing because my mom cleared my room and a lot of other stuff that i'd cherished go missing as well. or when you carefully save some msges on your phone and one day, you suddenly delete them accidentally. that kinda heartache is painful beyond words. but because the change is irreversible and you know deep down in your heart that they're never ever going to come back again, you just grief a little for your loss and then get on with life and eventually, find some other stuff to replace them.
right now, i wish someone would just employ coercion on me. come on, cold turkey.
feebs
5:31am
--------------------------------------------------
to you, i was just a joke all this while
Saturday, September 24, 2005
what if this friendship becomes a burden?
i feel like i'm dragging my ass across a bed of nails. why did i have to make it a point to play your stupid game?
i've given up trying to explain myself. you said you were always there to listen but i don't think you've ever tried to understand.
you got it all wrong.
the way you put it, you induce the impression that i was trying to fish for sympathy when i was only seeking understanding. i don't wanna say anything anymore because it'd only make our differences more apparent.
right now, we can still say hello, but in my heart, you're as good as dead to me.
eff the guilt trips. i haven't let you down in any way; you did.
this world, is a filthy place.
feebs
4:27am
------------------------------------------------------
jaded.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
it is easy for you to feign ignorance because it obviously hasn't touched you as greatly as it did me.
the wounds fester openly now. i wish i could find an explanation for all these things that're going on in my life, in my mind right now. i wish someone could tell me why these seemingly-beautiful things can go so wrong within such a short span of time. we all know this kinda pain doesn't just go away like that, any fool can tell you that. they linger and come back every now and then to gnaw and feed on your soul. you can't be completely cured. the only hope you can have is for the scab to form as soon as possible without an infection taking place. even so, you just get reminded everytime you see the scars.
still, it can be as simple as that. no words need be exchanged. i could have been very happy. but i chose not to. i'm not a conformist; i'm a rebel. i don't work within the confines of what is acceptable.
i hate them so much, it hurts to think of them. and yet i love them so dearly at the same time when i recall the shared memories and time spent together.
i implore you now, to take some time to understand and digest what i'm going to say next.
something in the outer world is touched, perhaps the pen i was holding a minute ago, but it is a meaningless gesture. then as the object is touched, the mind recoils, moving away from the physical contact with the present into the past, wandering in a reverie that is as formless and far-reaching as the night outside. the reverie ends, the ballooning thought returns to the space where life is. something else is touched, say my face or hair; reverie begins again, in a movement that is like a man's swimming, sinking and touching bottom in order to rise up again into the currents of the water. in such situations, time as an adjunct of reality has stopped, which explains why my sleeping hours(6.30pm-8pm, 3am-6am) are crazy now; forward motion has ended. the slow turning of memory is the only action in my life.
and life, becomes a dream of pain you can't seem to wake up from. there're just one too many ironic and oxymoronic situations and dumb realities and truths you have to face in this life; there is no vision of beautitude for me.
do you hear the howl of a soul lost in hell?
feebs
4:27pm
-------------------------------------
it starts with 'H'
Sunday, July 24, 2005
you know sometimes, how people have to literally FORCE you to give up on something before you'd budge? i suddenly remembered the times when i was younger, when i refuse to stop sucking from my milkbottle or when she threw my dear beanbag that i carry to sleep every night. my mom had to sneakily throw them away while i was at school. i made such a big scene at home when i found out, staring at the dark hole of the rubbish chute and screaming for them to come back up before i finally got exhausted. and some letters i'd kept so dearly for so long and one day i find them missing because my mom cleared my room and a lot of other stuff that i'd cherished go missing as well. or when you carefully save some msges on your phone and one day, you suddenly delete them accidentally. that kinda heartache is painful beyond words. but because the change is irreversible and you know deep down in your heart that they're never ever going to come back again, you just grief a little for your loss and then get on with life and eventually, find some other stuff to replace them.
right now, i wish someone would just employ coercion on me. come on, cold turkey.
feebs
5:31am
--------------------------------------------------
to you, i was just a joke all this while
Saturday, September 24, 2005
what if this friendship becomes a burden?
i feel like i'm dragging my ass across a bed of nails. why did i have to make it a point to play your stupid game?
i've given up trying to explain myself. you said you were always there to listen but i don't think you've ever tried to understand.
you got it all wrong.
the way you put it, you induce the impression that i was trying to fish for sympathy when i was only seeking understanding. i don't wanna say anything anymore because it'd only make our differences more apparent.
right now, we can still say hello, but in my heart, you're as good as dead to me.
eff the guilt trips. i haven't let you down in any way; you did.
this world, is a filthy place.
feebs
4:27am