Unknown Until It's Too Late
Post-"Out of Gas" and dealing with the repercussions of all that happened in that episode. Length: 998 words. I really need to try writing shorter pieces. :)
***
The normal hubbub of noise during dinner, the warm blend of laughter and gentle voices, had been scared away from the table by the eerily silent threat of cold, helpless death in space, so far and so near beyond the ship's walls. Now the only sounds were the monotonous clattering of plates and utensils and the mechanical chewing and swallowing of food. Only River could hear the clamor of eight different minds, but she didn't share her knowledge.
"Please pass the bread, Zoe?" Book murmured. She did, with an expression of trying to say something but unable to.
Looking at the somber faces all around, Wash lost his patience. "What's wrong with everybody?" he demanded in a loud voice, startling the others into looking at him. "You're acting like somebody died."
The only sound was Mal's exasperated sigh; Kaylee said in a small voice, "We all almost did."
"The operative word being 'almost,'" Wash persisted. "We all survived to have this uncomfortable conversation." He tried a smile, but no one mirrored it, much less looked him in the eye.
Kaylee shook her head violently, her eyes squeezed shut. She didn't want to relive the hellish memory of feeling each precious breath slip away, unable to do anything but watch. Noticing her distress, Mal growled, "Really not helping matters, Wash."
"Look, I'm the one who nearly lost my wife." At Zoe's warning look, Wash rephrased his statement. "That unpleasant experience left as much of a lasting impression on me as it did all of you, but I'm trying to look optimistically ahead. Kaylee, you understand; you're always so bright and happy."
When she opened her mouth only a sob emerged. Embarrassed, Kaylee wiped her eyes with one grimy hand and swallowed thickly. "I try to," she finally said huskily, "but I just can't. I keep tellin' myself that we survived, but all I can think about is when we were stuck alone in space and losin' air. . . ." Another, louder sob swallowed the rest of her words. Her shoulders began to shake, and she leaned forward, covering her face with her hands.
Tears blurred her vision, but she heard the scrape of a chair against the floor, and then Inara's arms were around her. The Companion murmured in her ear, "It's okay, honey. It's all right. Shh, Kaylee, it was frightening, but everything is all right now."
"I was so scared," she babbled into Inara's shawl. "I tried to be brave like everybody, but I couldn't. I'm so sorry."
Sitting beside Kaylee, Simon felt useless. Inara glared over Kaylee's head at Mal; a moment later, the captain sighed and stood up from his chair. "Excuse me, Doctor," he said, and Simon had no choice but to give Mal his seat. Mal hesitantly placed his arms around Kaylee's shoulders and tried giving her the same reassurance. Pushed back two chairs, Simon reached out a hand, rather lamely, and awkwardly patted Kaylee's arm.
Eventually she stilled and grew quiet. Mal and Inara both let go of her, exchanging glances before returning to their seats. Simon withdrew his hand, regretting that all the time he had said nothing.
"Are you all right, Kaylee?" Book asked, watching her with furrowed brows.
She nodded, still trying to compose herself. "I'm sorry," she said again; "I didn't mean to lose it like that."
"It's all right," Mal told her, still concerned. "Nobody's askin' you to keep it all inside. It was a horrible thing, but Wash is right: we're all together, safe and sound. That's what we should focus on."
Kaylee managed a wobbling smile as she wiped away the last of her tears. Each person here made her feel safe and happy in some way; each had a place in her heart, as special as a family member. She'd just never realized it until they'd been stranded in space with the clock ticking away their last precious moments of life.
Everyone turned back to their food, and the uncomfortable silence descended upon them once again. After collecting her thoughts, Kaylee stood, and all eyes turned to her.
"You all mean a lot to me," she started, "but I never really understood that till we were about to die. Since we survived and are s'posed to be lookin' forward, I just wanna say this in case someday I don't get the chance." She took a deep breath. "I love you guys, each and every one of you. You're like parents, siblings, and friends." Her eyes traveled over each crewmember, excluding no one. "Even though we're all floatin' out here, never settlin', you make me feel at home."
Kaylee glanced down at the napkin she was twisting in her hands before she lifted her head again. "I just wanted to say so," she murmured shyly before dropping back into her seat.
The table went silent again, but this time it seemed to pulse with new life, not hover like a cold fog. After a few moments, Mal cleared his throat, and everyone looked at him.
"You know we love you too, Kaylee," he said. He was silent a little longer as his eyes passed over the other members of his crew. "You know, we got a pretty good crew here. We all get along - mostly." Someone laughed, and the fog cleared. Smiling, Mal returned to his food.
The feeling was infectious. A steady murmur started, and soon everyone was talking. Kaylee had broken the spell that had kept them all dwelling on their terrible shared experience.
Later, Wash grabbed Kaylee's arm as they were taking away the dishes; she gave him a questioning look. "Look," he said while dragging one hand through his hair, clearly uncomfortable, "I didn't mean to make you feel badly before, at dinner."
Her face broke into that glowing smile everyone on the ship knew and cherished. "It's okay," she answered, giving him a brief hug. "I understand that you gotta make life funny; that's what I love about you."
***
The normal hubbub of noise during dinner, the warm blend of laughter and gentle voices, had been scared away from the table by the eerily silent threat of cold, helpless death in space, so far and so near beyond the ship's walls. Now the only sounds were the monotonous clattering of plates and utensils and the mechanical chewing and swallowing of food. Only River could hear the clamor of eight different minds, but she didn't share her knowledge.
"Please pass the bread, Zoe?" Book murmured. She did, with an expression of trying to say something but unable to.
Looking at the somber faces all around, Wash lost his patience. "What's wrong with everybody?" he demanded in a loud voice, startling the others into looking at him. "You're acting like somebody died."
The only sound was Mal's exasperated sigh; Kaylee said in a small voice, "We all almost did."
"The operative word being 'almost,'" Wash persisted. "We all survived to have this uncomfortable conversation." He tried a smile, but no one mirrored it, much less looked him in the eye.
Kaylee shook her head violently, her eyes squeezed shut. She didn't want to relive the hellish memory of feeling each precious breath slip away, unable to do anything but watch. Noticing her distress, Mal growled, "Really not helping matters, Wash."
"Look, I'm the one who nearly lost my wife." At Zoe's warning look, Wash rephrased his statement. "That unpleasant experience left as much of a lasting impression on me as it did all of you, but I'm trying to look optimistically ahead. Kaylee, you understand; you're always so bright and happy."
When she opened her mouth only a sob emerged. Embarrassed, Kaylee wiped her eyes with one grimy hand and swallowed thickly. "I try to," she finally said huskily, "but I just can't. I keep tellin' myself that we survived, but all I can think about is when we were stuck alone in space and losin' air. . . ." Another, louder sob swallowed the rest of her words. Her shoulders began to shake, and she leaned forward, covering her face with her hands.
Tears blurred her vision, but she heard the scrape of a chair against the floor, and then Inara's arms were around her. The Companion murmured in her ear, "It's okay, honey. It's all right. Shh, Kaylee, it was frightening, but everything is all right now."
"I was so scared," she babbled into Inara's shawl. "I tried to be brave like everybody, but I couldn't. I'm so sorry."
Sitting beside Kaylee, Simon felt useless. Inara glared over Kaylee's head at Mal; a moment later, the captain sighed and stood up from his chair. "Excuse me, Doctor," he said, and Simon had no choice but to give Mal his seat. Mal hesitantly placed his arms around Kaylee's shoulders and tried giving her the same reassurance. Pushed back two chairs, Simon reached out a hand, rather lamely, and awkwardly patted Kaylee's arm.
Eventually she stilled and grew quiet. Mal and Inara both let go of her, exchanging glances before returning to their seats. Simon withdrew his hand, regretting that all the time he had said nothing.
"Are you all right, Kaylee?" Book asked, watching her with furrowed brows.
She nodded, still trying to compose herself. "I'm sorry," she said again; "I didn't mean to lose it like that."
"It's all right," Mal told her, still concerned. "Nobody's askin' you to keep it all inside. It was a horrible thing, but Wash is right: we're all together, safe and sound. That's what we should focus on."
Kaylee managed a wobbling smile as she wiped away the last of her tears. Each person here made her feel safe and happy in some way; each had a place in her heart, as special as a family member. She'd just never realized it until they'd been stranded in space with the clock ticking away their last precious moments of life.
Everyone turned back to their food, and the uncomfortable silence descended upon them once again. After collecting her thoughts, Kaylee stood, and all eyes turned to her.
"You all mean a lot to me," she started, "but I never really understood that till we were about to die. Since we survived and are s'posed to be lookin' forward, I just wanna say this in case someday I don't get the chance." She took a deep breath. "I love you guys, each and every one of you. You're like parents, siblings, and friends." Her eyes traveled over each crewmember, excluding no one. "Even though we're all floatin' out here, never settlin', you make me feel at home."
Kaylee glanced down at the napkin she was twisting in her hands before she lifted her head again. "I just wanted to say so," she murmured shyly before dropping back into her seat.
The table went silent again, but this time it seemed to pulse with new life, not hover like a cold fog. After a few moments, Mal cleared his throat, and everyone looked at him.
"You know we love you too, Kaylee," he said. He was silent a little longer as his eyes passed over the other members of his crew. "You know, we got a pretty good crew here. We all get along - mostly." Someone laughed, and the fog cleared. Smiling, Mal returned to his food.
The feeling was infectious. A steady murmur started, and soon everyone was talking. Kaylee had broken the spell that had kept them all dwelling on their terrible shared experience.
Later, Wash grabbed Kaylee's arm as they were taking away the dishes; she gave him a questioning look. "Look," he said while dragging one hand through his hair, clearly uncomfortable, "I didn't mean to make you feel badly before, at dinner."
Her face broke into that glowing smile everyone on the ship knew and cherished. "It's okay," she answered, giving him a brief hug. "I understand that you gotta make life funny; that's what I love about you."