Visitation
Night came to Serenity when sleepy eyes closed. No sun to set, no moon to rise. Mal had been sleeping, rare enough in itself, when some instinct told him he was no longer alone. The Captain rolled carefully, reaching a hand out of the covers for the gun that hung in his holster on the bed post. Shock ripped through him as a warm hand closed calloused fingers gently but firmly round his. He sat bolt upright and found himself staring into Zoe's eyes. Startled by the identity of his night visitor. "Gorrammit Zoe, you near gave me a siezure! What the *diyu* you doin' here?"
"Had to see you, Mal."
His mind was a mite fuzzy, sleep fragmenting like the dust from a long road. "*Weishenme*?"
A hand moved to his chest, his eyes widened. This was not happening. Not with Zoe. "I tried not to want you. Wash guessed and I lied, I admit it."
"Why, Zoe? We ain't never been like that. It's not what we're about, you know that."
"I want you, always have, just knew you'd never let it happen. So I buried my feelings and played the good soldier but it's not enough."
His breath was stuttering. This was bad. Very bad. "Zoe, you can't, we can't. Wash. You're a married woman."
"Only because I couldn't have you."
Gently he took her hands in his and moved them away from his body. He did not want to hurt her. "Why now?" He asked gently. "Why didn't you tell me before?"
"Didn't need you to call me a fool to my face, sir."
"An' creepin' into my bunk when your *zhangfu's* asleep ain't foolish? Zoe, we can't be doin' this, not now not ever."
She took in a ragged breath. "It's always been duty with you, Mal. What's wrong with me?"
"Not nothin', Zoe." Said Mal gently. "Just don't think of you like that. You're closer to me than family, mean more to me than my own life."
She gave a harsh bitter laugh that cut him. "You put no value on your life, Mal, and you know it. Always risking yourself for others or to uphold some antiquated ideal of what's wrong or right."
He was silent a moment. "An' you ain't?"
"No, Mal." She whispered, her warm honeyed lips close to his. Leaning in to brush her lips against his. Her warm breath stirring in his mouth. The reluctant moan was so sweet but short lived gifts always were.
"*Duibuqi* Zoe, this is not gonna happen. Not that I don't love you, *bao bei*, 'cause I do. Just not that way." He paused and raised a hand to cradle the side of her face. The silent roll of tears breaking something deep inside that he hid. Now was not the time to rewrite the past. "I'm honoured and flattered, Zoe, don't think I'm not. No need for you to feel unwanted or rejected or worthless, it just ain't right an' what we do now won't affect just us and you know that don't you?"
She nodded. Unable to speak.
"Let this be our secret, *bao bei*. Now you go and love that husband of yours. Your captain needs his sleep, *dong ma*?"
Her eyes held his for a long sad moment. "I'm such a fool."
"No, not a fool exactly. Wouldn't say that. You wouldn't be human if you didn't have urges."
"What about you, Mal? What about your urges?"
He gave a soft pained laugh and tried to block out the eyes that haunted him, the lips that would never be his. Inara knew, she had to. He had seen the same fleeting passions in her eyes only as strong as he was, she was stronger. "I have a boat and the shiniest crew in the 'verse, what more could I possibly want than that?"
Zoe let him have his fantasy, both knowing it was a lie. The hatch shut behind her with a dull clang. Mal rubbed a hand over his face and lay back staring up at the ceiling of his bunk. There would be no more sleep for him this night. Just what he needed. One more gorram secret to keep.
* * * * *
CHINESE GLOSSARY: (Mandarin - Pinyin)
*diyu* = hell *weishenme* = why *zhangfu* = husband *bao bei* = precious/treasure
*duibuqi* = sorry *dong ma* = understand
"Had to see you, Mal."
His mind was a mite fuzzy, sleep fragmenting like the dust from a long road. "*Weishenme*?"
A hand moved to his chest, his eyes widened. This was not happening. Not with Zoe. "I tried not to want you. Wash guessed and I lied, I admit it."
"Why, Zoe? We ain't never been like that. It's not what we're about, you know that."
"I want you, always have, just knew you'd never let it happen. So I buried my feelings and played the good soldier but it's not enough."
His breath was stuttering. This was bad. Very bad. "Zoe, you can't, we can't. Wash. You're a married woman."
"Only because I couldn't have you."
Gently he took her hands in his and moved them away from his body. He did not want to hurt her. "Why now?" He asked gently. "Why didn't you tell me before?"
"Didn't need you to call me a fool to my face, sir."
"An' creepin' into my bunk when your *zhangfu's* asleep ain't foolish? Zoe, we can't be doin' this, not now not ever."
She took in a ragged breath. "It's always been duty with you, Mal. What's wrong with me?"
"Not nothin', Zoe." Said Mal gently. "Just don't think of you like that. You're closer to me than family, mean more to me than my own life."
She gave a harsh bitter laugh that cut him. "You put no value on your life, Mal, and you know it. Always risking yourself for others or to uphold some antiquated ideal of what's wrong or right."
He was silent a moment. "An' you ain't?"
"No, Mal." She whispered, her warm honeyed lips close to his. Leaning in to brush her lips against his. Her warm breath stirring in his mouth. The reluctant moan was so sweet but short lived gifts always were.
"*Duibuqi* Zoe, this is not gonna happen. Not that I don't love you, *bao bei*, 'cause I do. Just not that way." He paused and raised a hand to cradle the side of her face. The silent roll of tears breaking something deep inside that he hid. Now was not the time to rewrite the past. "I'm honoured and flattered, Zoe, don't think I'm not. No need for you to feel unwanted or rejected or worthless, it just ain't right an' what we do now won't affect just us and you know that don't you?"
She nodded. Unable to speak.
"Let this be our secret, *bao bei*. Now you go and love that husband of yours. Your captain needs his sleep, *dong ma*?"
Her eyes held his for a long sad moment. "I'm such a fool."
"No, not a fool exactly. Wouldn't say that. You wouldn't be human if you didn't have urges."
"What about you, Mal? What about your urges?"
He gave a soft pained laugh and tried to block out the eyes that haunted him, the lips that would never be his. Inara knew, she had to. He had seen the same fleeting passions in her eyes only as strong as he was, she was stronger. "I have a boat and the shiniest crew in the 'verse, what more could I possibly want than that?"
Zoe let him have his fantasy, both knowing it was a lie. The hatch shut behind her with a dull clang. Mal rubbed a hand over his face and lay back staring up at the ceiling of his bunk. There would be no more sleep for him this night. Just what he needed. One more gorram secret to keep.
* * * * *
CHINESE GLOSSARY: (Mandarin - Pinyin)
*diyu* = hell *weishenme* = why *zhangfu* = husband *bao bei* = precious/treasure
*duibuqi* = sorry *dong ma* = understand