- Metamorphosis - For Asunder
Title: Metamorphosis
For: Asunder
Medium: Fic
Request(s): FFVII: any timeline: Zax/Cloud, anything except Zax's death scene.
Fandom(s): FFVII
Characters/Pairings: Zack/Cloud, with a little bit of Sephiroth on the side.
Rating/Warnings: M, maybe a little higer, it's pretty dark.
Feedback: Yes please!
Spoilers: None, it's set before the game.
Word Count: 4696
Summary: Cloud thinks he knows what he wants, but he's young and he doesn't understand the world, or the people in it.
Notes: I think I failed here. This is the first time i've written some of the characters, and when I started it I was in control, but then this fic grew a mind of it's own and ran away on me. It's ended up sort of being all three of your fic requests, with my belief that these people are not right in the head thrown in for good measure. This is the first time I've tried writing from prompts alone, and for that reason I don't think I'll be entering the next round unless i get a lot more experience with prompts first. I had fun writing it, and I hope you enjoy it anyway.
The first time Cloud lets anyone touch him he’s thinking of Sephiroth. He’s thinking of black and silver and chrome, and the way it looks so sleek all moving together.
Had he not spent the morning watching the swordsmanship display Sephiroth and a few of the other high level soldiers put on for the new cadets, he might not have let anyone touch him at all.
He vaguely knows the boy who is on his knees before him, Cloud has seen this boy watching him. He has seen many of the other boys watching him, but he has never wanted their attention until now.
As a warm mouth moves around his flesh for the first time his head rolls back to lean on the wall behind him and he’s imagining the hair tangled around his fingers is silver, and that if he looks down, the eyes staring up at him will be green and catlike.
He doesn’t last long, and he feels different after the act. He feels more confident, like he could do anything he wanted. Like he could have anything he wanted. His stride is longer, and he walks with his head held high.
He tells himself this confidence, this feeling of power, this is how Sephiroth must feel.
------
He doesn’t tell Zack what happened. Cloud knows that if Zack finds out, as happy as the older soldier will be for him, there will be no end to the teasing and the jokes, all at his expense. The annoying little things that he has come to expect from Zack.
Cloud does start to notice the way Zack watches him though, and he wonders if that look in Zack’s eye has always been there.
------
Sometimes Cloud is glad Zack is so loud and attention seeking, it allows Cloud to get into places that he normally couldn’t. If everyone’s attention is on Zack, they don’t bother to pay much attention to him, and they don’t bother check his ID.
Cloud looks up at the noise from the group of Shin-Ra troops gathered around a table in the corner, an unlikely mixture of cadets, grunts and soldiers, then focuses his attention back towards the balls on the green table in front of him.
He likes pool, it’s simple geometry really, and it’s something he can do well, better than most people. It’s a good way to get other people to buy him drinks, which means he doesn’t have to go to the bar and risk being asked to show ID.
He thinks Zack’s intense scrutiny is aimed at the table, but after his turn is over and Zack hasn’t moved, he realizes it’s aimed at him.
Cloud’s expression is one of confusion as he tries to figure out why he’s being watched.
“What?”
“I’ve missed something, haven’t I?” Zack asks
“Yeah, all your shots.”
Zack’s eyes follow him as he perches on a stool, and takes a sip of his drink.
“I’m not talking about the game.”
Cloud shrugs one shoulder and swirls the beer around inside the bottle, watching the foam coat the inside, not meeting Zack’s eyes.
“Yeah, I thought so.”
Cloud is grateful that Zack doesn’t push the issue.
------
They’re laying on top of an abandoned carriage in the train graveyard. Zack likes it here, he says if you stand still you can feel electrical currents moving through the place.
Of course, Zack also believes that bio-electricity and ghosts are the same thing, and he tells Cloud that he’ll understand one day, when he makes it into soldier and gets pumped full of mako.
Zack tries not to laugh at Cloud as he attempts to jam a stolen cigarette lighter under the lid of their last beer bottle to pop it open. Cloud knows a trick to open them using the side of the train seats, that ones that you can turn to face the other direction like those in the car below them, but that would involve having to climb down, and then get back up again.
When the bottle lid pops off Cloud stops Zack’s laughter by throwing the lighter at him.
“Huh. I guess you won’t always need me around to look after you.” The humour in his voice is shadowed by an undercurrent of something else.
“I don’t need you to look after me now.”
“Hmmm. Maybe you’re right.”
Zack stares up at the sky, and Cloud watches him out of the corner of his eye. He realizes he was right about Zack. The older soldier has been watching him. Cloud shifts onto his side to face Zack, and takes a sip of his drink. He feels Zack’s eyes skim over his body, he knows his tank top has risen slightly and now sits just above his hip bones letting the bottom of his stomach show, and he knows that the arc of his neck is exposed and inviting as he swallows.
He knows that Zack wants him, and he knows how to shift his body in innocent ways that makes the other man think not so innocent thoughts.
“Doesn’t mean I don’t need you around. Just means I’m old enough to look after myself.”
Zack just nods, not sure what to say in response.
------
Zack isn’t sure about the change in Cloud. He’s not sure he likes it, and he’s not sure what brought it on. He does like that the other boy is more confident now, and he does like that he can have Cloud and Sephiroth in the same room now without Cloud being unable to talk and turning bright red, looking like he might explode if attention is focused on him.
“He’s taller than he used to be.”
Zack still finds it strange that Sephiroth seems to pick up on the most obscure things while obvious changes seem to pass the man by. Or maybe he just doesn’t voice his opinions of them.
Zack still finds Sephiroth strange.
“Yeah, I guess he is.”
-----
“You and Sephiroth have slept together, right?”
The question throws him off guard, and the weight of his sword almost pulls Zack over and he spins around half way through his manoeuvre to look at Cloud, who’s perched on the edge of a crate against the building watching him.
“What?”
“Well, you have, right?”
“Where did that come from?”
Cloud shrugs one shoulder, an instinctual gesture that Zack is coming to associate with him.
“I guess I’ve just been noticing a lot of things recently. Things I never paid much attention to before.”
Zack nods and doesn’t push for a better answer, it’s probably the best explanation he is likely to get.
Scuffing his toe in the gravel under his boots, he’s not sure he’s comfortable talking about this with Cloud.
“Yes. We have slept together.”
“Many times? Or just the once?”
Cloud doesn’t seem to sense Zack’s discomfort, and he only answers because the inquisitive expression on Cloud’s face makes him seem so innocent.
“A few times.”
His answers are terse, and as much as he wants to change the subject, he knows he will tell Cloud anything he wants to know.
“Are you still sleeping with him?”
He doesn’t expect that question, and he wonders why exactly Cloud wants to know that. He doesn’t want to look Cloud in the eye.
“It hasn’t happened in a while.
“Ok.”
He glances up at the boy, who seems satisfied by his answer. Walking over, he sits his sword on top of another crate, busying himself with small chips in the blade.
“Do you want to sleep with me?”
Zack is shocked by the question. He realizes that he shouldn’t be, but he is all the same and he feels his face redden.
“I… Yes.”
“Ok.”
Cloud seems satisfied by that answer too.
------
Zack doesn’t want to do much with Cloud until he finds out exactly what the boys motivations are, but Cloud keeps pushing the issue, and with the young blond kissing him and squirming against him while straddling his lap, there is only so much he can take.
“Please Zack.”
This is the second, or maybe the third time they’ve had this pleading argument, and even though every time it leads to sexual frustration for both of them, Zack tries desperately to stick to his decision.
“No, not yet.”
Clouds response is to pout and bite softly on Zack’s neck.
“So if you won’t do that, there must be something you will do?”
Soft words and warm breath over his ear driving him on. Movement in his lap encouraging him.
“Maybe.”
Zack pulls Cloud so he is kneeling up, and kisses the smooth skin of the boys stomach that is so near to his face, a faint line of hair leading downwards tickling his nose.
“Maybe I can think of something I could do.”
Cloud’s thick belt falls to the floor behind him and he smiles. This he knows, this he can do.
-------
Cloud is more interested in the physical sensation than he is in Zack. He wants experience, he wants another body pressed against him to experiment with, to learn from, and Zack is familiar, Zack is comfortable. He can’t think of anyone better, he trusts the man, and he wants Zack to be his first. Zack’s been there to teach him all he knows about weapons, about his soldier training, about life in Midgar and how the world works. He wants Zack to guide him in this too. Cloud wants to be taught what to do, and he wants to know exactly what it is all the boys who watch him what to do with his body.
Zack has slept with Sephiroth, and he wants to know what to do for the general if, when, he tells himself, when he finds a way to get in bed with Sephiroth.
-------
Cloud is laying on his stomach on Zack’s lounge and he enjoys watching Zack’s animated cooking. The older man rummages through one cupboard before bounding into the next with the same enthusiasm he throws into everything he does, dinner being no exception.
“So what’s Sephiroth like in bed?”
Zack shouldn’t be as shocked by the question as he is, but it still takes him by surprise.
“Cloud… “
Zack doesn’t like Clouds obsession with Sephiroth. He’s not sure if he’s jealous, or just concerned. Cloud doesn’t seem so innocent anymore, he’s aware of his body now, and he knows what he can do, and what he can get with it. Zack’s seen him teasing the others, and he’s worried about him.
Zack knows the things that can happen, the things that do happen in the showers, in the change rooms and the barracks at night. He’s seen it happen, and it’s not pretty. Zack has seen boys broken and bruised all because they attracted the wrong kind of attention.
He doesn’t want to see that happen to Cloud. Not forcefully by his squad, and not accidentally by their general.
“Cloud, Sephiroth will hurt you. “
“I know it will hurt a little at first. You keep telling me that. I’ll never know if I never try it.”
Zack looks away, not meeting Clouds eye.
“I don’t mean your body. Sephiroth…”
Zack trails off. He doesn’t want to explain it to Cloud. He doesn’t want to tell the boy how Sephiroth is cold and distant, and doesn’t understand people. He doesn’t want to explain to Cloud things about Sephiroth that he himself shouldn’t rightly know.
He shakes the thoughts out of his head, and goes over to sit next to Cloud, wrapping his arms around him.
“I don’t want you to get hurt Cloud. If you get too close to Sephiroth, you‘ll just get hurt.”
Cloud looks at him, he’s considering Zack’s words.
“Do you not want me to sleep with Sephiroth, or do you just not want me to sleep with anyone that isn’t you?”
Zack is confused as he leans in to kiss Cloud on the forehead, and decides that it’s probably better that he doesn’t dwell too much on Cloud’s question.
------
It’s cold and the ground underneath Cloud’s feet is covered with snow as he tries to smash through the frozen lake with a large stone. His attempts prove to be futile, and he rocks back on his heels to consider his options.
There are barracks somewhere west of here that were built during the war. Even Shin-Ra has almost forgotten about them, a relic from a time in their history best left as forgotten and neglected as the buildings themselves. His unit is supposed to be there by now, but no one had counted on the snow slowing them down, and their hike being made even harder by frozen terrain.
He assumes they’re still about two days out from Wutai, and he damns whoever’s decision it was to stop and make camp here. It was probably Sephiroth‘s, and that thought makes him uneasy, but he can‘t put his finger on why exactly.
Giving up on getting water he stands and walks back to camp.
“It’s no use, the lake is frozen over.”
Sephiroth looks up at him from where he’s perched on the edge of a rock, and Cloud tries not to laugh at him. He knows it’s disrespectful and he will probably get ordered sentry duty for the entire night, so he manages to swallow his laughter and keep his face calm.
The general has an elastic band between his teeth, and a small plastic comb in his fingers, and is trying to free strands of silver hair that have managed to tangle themselves around the scabbard attached to his back and one of the straps holding it on.
Sephiroth’s eyes narrow as he looks up at Cloud. All the other troops have busied themselves with setting up tents, and Cloud feels like he has interrupted something, but when he looks back to the general the look that was there is gone.
Sephiroth’s free hand reaches further up, away from the scabbard and onto the hilt of the masamune, unclipping a small ball and holding it out to Cloud.
“Here.”
He takes the smooth round ball, and it’s warm in his hand, the fire materia taking the chill out of his fingers. His instinct is to press it to the back of his neck, the warmth flows down his spine and he feels better, warmer, like he hasn’t just hiked for five hours through the freezing snow. He realizes Sephiroth is still watching him, and he moves his hand away from his neck, only slightly embarrassed by his actions.
“Thanks.”
Cloud takes his leave and returns to the lake, the magic melts the ice quickly, leaving the water at the edge of the lake warm. He washes his face before filling the canteens and drinking, half emptying one before re filling it and closing the lid.
Returning to camp he sits on the rock next to Sephiroth. The masamune leans on the rock beside him, his hair is untangled and in a single braid running down his back.
Cloud hands him the materia and one of the canteens of water, and the general looks at him, puzzled.
“You’re not scared of me.”
Sephiroth is not sure if he is correct about the conclusion he’s come to.
“No.”
“Hmmm.” he nods his head and takes a sip of water. “Is that because of Zack?”
Cloud isn’t exactly sure why or when that changed.
He shrugs one shoulder.
“I guess so.”
------
“Can I share with you?”
The question catches Sephiroth off guard, and he looks up from the map he’s been studying.
He isn’t used to people approaching him so easily, and it slightly unnerves him, enough that his only response is to wait for the boy to continue talking.
“There are twenty of us total. Three to a tent, and everyone already figured out sleeping arrangements while I was doing water and rations. I either share with you or I’m on my own.”
It’s a lie, and Cloud holds his breath until Sephiroth nods.
“Sure.”
Cloud is relieved it’s a lie Sephiroth didn’t see through.
------
When Cloud leans in and kisses him, he’s not sure what to do. He knows he should push the younger boy away, but for a moment, he doesn’t. He lets Cloud kiss him, his lips are warm and soft, a stark contrast to the cold night, and he considers letting Cloud have his way, he considers letting the cold night be forgotten. But he doesn’t, and when Cloud pulls away slightly Sephiroth pulls his whole body back, sitting up.
The look on Sephiroth‘s face is unreadable as he shakes his head.
“No. I can’t.”
“It’s ok.” Cloud pushes. “You can. I want you to.”
Sephiroth doesn’t want to explain. Doesn’t want to tell this boy why it’s so dangerous.
“No. Cloud…” he pauses, trying to think of the right thing to say. “Sometimes, things happen… it’s not me. Sometimes I don’t control the things that I do.”
“It’s alright. I’m not scared of you.”
The boy’s eyes are big and soft, and so blue that Sephiroth has a hard time looking into them.
“You should be. I am.”
------
Dawn hasn’t quite broken yet, soft bird noise is coming from the trees, otherwise all is still, but the slight movement wakes Sephiroth just enough to check his surroundings.
Cloud only leaves the tent for a few moments, long enough to comply to his body’s demands before climbing back in and diving into his sleeping bag. The boy is shivering from the cold, and he feels the other body move closer to his and press against his back. As much as he wants to push him back, Sephiroth is grateful for the warmth and allows him stay there.
It is too early to be up yet, and Sephiroth lets himself drift back into the blissful limbo between sleep and the waking world. He can still feel the movement of the other body behind him, and his subconscious mind incorporates it into his semi-lucid dream state.
He’s aware of someone talking to him, talking at him, but he’s still not awake enough to deal with Cloud, to answer his questions, or to tell him why he shouldn’t be pressing against his back like he is, to tell him that his arm shouldn’t slip around Sephiroth, letting his fingers slide over the skin of his chest. That Cloud’s warm breath shouldn’t be ghosting across his ear from lips that are far too close to his neck. He’s not awake enough to remind Cloud that he is his commanding officer and to explain why it’s wrong. But the sound of the voice is soothing, and even if he can’t make out the words the intent is clear.
When he wakes up, Sephiroth will have to sit down with Cloud and make sure that he knows that he will not sleep with him, no matter how much he begs or pleads. Or touches. Or squirms against him, rocking his hips up against his, trying to shift or change his weight to make him move, move, move….
Wait… what?
Sephiroth shakes an arm to see if it responds, needing to know if he is awake or not yet, he needs to know if his body has been moving, or if he is just dreaming it. He's pretty sure he was dreaming, and he tells his body to open his eyes, but something’s wrong. He tries to clear his mind, and shakes his head.
Cloud is looking up from underneath him, and this realization makes Sephiroth feel sick to his stomach.
How did he end up here? How did he end up pinning the boy to the ground, one leg pressed down hard between Clouds thighs rubbing against his groin, a hand up his shirt touching the warm smooth skin on his chest?
It’s daylight outside the tent, and there is movement in the camp.
“Cloud? What…?” His voice is a hoarse whisper, and he sits back on his heels, eyes focusing on Cloud. The boy looks physically fine, other than a darkening bruise on his wrist, he looks cold and very pale, his lips kiss bruised a dark pink. He looks confused. He looks afraid.
“Are you alright?”
Cloud nods as a response and moving backwards he sits up, putting some distance between them.
Sephiroth stands and leaves the tent, he is dry heaving, his body is betraying him again. He makes it as far as the lake before emptying the contents of his stomach onto the frozen ground.
------
Sephiroth passes Zack in the hall on the way to his quarters. He’s glad to be back home, where he can close his door and shut away the rest of the world, shower until the water turns cold, and sleep in a soft, warm bed.
“Hey, how was your week?”
He realizes he has missed Zack’s voice during the week he was away, missed his smile, and the infectious laughter that Sephiroth has come to accept as being a part of his day to day life. And even if he doesn’t necessarily miss them, he acknowledges the absence of the jokes and taunts he usually finds himself to be the basis of.
Sephiroth realizes just how much he has missed Zack.
He’s not sure what to tell him. Sephiroth knows how he looks, exhausted, muddy and tired. He knows his hair is plastered down to his scalp from the rain and there are bags under his eyes. He knows that his appearance tells Zack exactly how much of a toll this past week has taken.
But that’s not what he’s asking, that’s not what Zack wants to know.
Sephiroth looks up into lavender eyes, not holding his gaze for long before leaving to continue down the hall.
“Zack… I’m sorry.”
Zack is confused, then angry. His instinct is telling him to lash out at Sephiroth, to hurt him, but he doesn’t. He knows it’s pointless and that whatever has happened, Sephiroth is punishing himself enough over it.
Zack knows violence, and when it flares up in him he pushes it back down as best he can. He knows from experience that Sephiroth will do nothing if Zack listens to the fire in his mind and attacks him. He knows that when Sephiroth is like this he will stand there and take blow after blow, not trying to defend himself, not trying to strike back.
Directing his anger towards Sephiroth is pointless.
Zack sighs and leans his head on the frame of the door that he is still telling himself he was not pointlessly standing around in waiting for one of them to come by. Waiting for one of them to come home. He’s still not sure exactly which of his friends he was waiting for.
He’s worried now, and damn it, he told Cloud. Zack warned him but he didn’t listen, he didn‘t want to listen. Zack is almost certain that this time Cloud is to blame for whatever happened to Sephiroth, almost certain his friend’s current mental state is due to Cloud pushing him, pushing the line and trying to get on the other side of Sephiroth‘s invisible boundaries.
He‘s not sure if he’s angry at Cloud for not listening to him, and putting himself in real danger, or if he’s angry because the state Sephiroth is in now is Cloud’s fault, and he feels like he should have done more to prevent this from happening.
-------
It’s late when Zack hears the knock on his door that he had given up waiting for a few hours ago.
Zack’s theory was that Cloud had stumbled into his dorm in far worse condition than their mako enhanced leader had been, and sleep had probably claimed him then and there, unshowered, with his boots still on. Which meant Zack wouldn’t be seeing the boy tonight.
He’s glad to be proven wrong, and greets Cloud with the smile that he has become known for. Zack sweeps the boy into a hug and drags him into the room, pushing aside his worry and fear, because that’s not important right now.
It means a lot to him that Cloud is here now and has come to him for comfort. He had been expecting the worst, to find Cloud broken and withdrawn, doubting not only himself, but the man he has been idolizing.
Zack had been bothered with the idea that Cloud might cut himself off from the real world and retreat inside one of his own creation. It’s a trait he knows Cloud has, a mannerism he sees in him sometimes, and he intends to stick around and keep an eye on Cloud, to keep it in check, and make sure the boy stays grounded.
Zack is still confused and wants to know what happened, but he settles for asking the mundane, about the mission, about his health after a week in the cold, and if Cloud missed him as much as he did Cloud.
Zack waits for Cloud to kiss him first, and when he does it that one small gesture seems to make him relax. It’s not until Cloud sees this that he realizes just how worried and concerned the older man has been this past week, and he feels bad for being the cause of it all. He doesn’t want to do that to Zack.
“Zack,”
Cloud moves back just enough that the other man can see his expression, tracing fingers through a lock of hair and down Zack’s cheek to turn his face towards Cloud. Cloud wants to make sure Zack is looking at him, he wants Zack to have the same confidence in him that he places in Zack.
“I’m fine.”
He says it with complete sincerity, and although Cloud’s not completely sure he is fine right now, he knows he will be.
------
Cloud has grown up so much in the past month. Too much, to quickly, and Zack’s not sure he likes these newest changes in Cloud. But he does seem older now, and Zack doesn’t feel as guilty about having him in his bed.
Laying still and silent afterwards he tries to catch his breath, and his body aches, but it’s in a good way that Cloud decides he likes. He is covered in sweat and other fluids that aren’t all his own but he doesn’t mind too much.
He props himself up on one arm to look over at Zack, and Cloud thinks to himself he is lucky to have him. Zack is everything he aspires to be like one day, when he’s older, when he makes it into soldier.
“Hey Zack?”
“Yeah?”
His response is mumbled and half asleep, and he opens the one eye that isn’t flat against the pillow to watch Cloud.
“I lied, you know? I do need you around to look after me.”
Zack lets out a low chuckle and wraps his arm around Cloud to pull him closer. He thinks that it’s all very strange how they came to be here now, and he‘s still a little unsure about everything.
It will take some time for him to adjust to this new, more grown up person Cloud is becoming. Zack can already tell the day is coming where Cloud will prove to be the mature one out of the two. Zack wonders how rough the next few weeks, maybe months, are going to be and he hopes that Cloud isn’t the type to take the hard path every time.
But for right now Cloud seems content enough curled up in his arms, and Zack knows he should be happy too, and he will be, but not yet. Maybe when his head clears, when the rational side of his mind isn’t at war with itself and he doesn’t feel like tearing his best friend apart because he is to protective of someone who attracts trouble. But that’s alright. They have all the time in the world, and Zack knows they will be happy, he’ll make sure of it.
Zack knows bliss is not instantaneous.
For: Asunder
Medium: Fic
Request(s): FFVII: any timeline: Zax/Cloud, anything except Zax's death scene.
Fandom(s): FFVII
Characters/Pairings: Zack/Cloud, with a little bit of Sephiroth on the side.
Rating/Warnings: M, maybe a little higer, it's pretty dark.
Feedback: Yes please!
Spoilers: None, it's set before the game.
Word Count: 4696
Summary: Cloud thinks he knows what he wants, but he's young and he doesn't understand the world, or the people in it.
Notes: I think I failed here. This is the first time i've written some of the characters, and when I started it I was in control, but then this fic grew a mind of it's own and ran away on me. It's ended up sort of being all three of your fic requests, with my belief that these people are not right in the head thrown in for good measure. This is the first time I've tried writing from prompts alone, and for that reason I don't think I'll be entering the next round unless i get a lot more experience with prompts first. I had fun writing it, and I hope you enjoy it anyway.
The first time Cloud lets anyone touch him he’s thinking of Sephiroth. He’s thinking of black and silver and chrome, and the way it looks so sleek all moving together.
Had he not spent the morning watching the swordsmanship display Sephiroth and a few of the other high level soldiers put on for the new cadets, he might not have let anyone touch him at all.
He vaguely knows the boy who is on his knees before him, Cloud has seen this boy watching him. He has seen many of the other boys watching him, but he has never wanted their attention until now.
As a warm mouth moves around his flesh for the first time his head rolls back to lean on the wall behind him and he’s imagining the hair tangled around his fingers is silver, and that if he looks down, the eyes staring up at him will be green and catlike.
He doesn’t last long, and he feels different after the act. He feels more confident, like he could do anything he wanted. Like he could have anything he wanted. His stride is longer, and he walks with his head held high.
He tells himself this confidence, this feeling of power, this is how Sephiroth must feel.
------
He doesn’t tell Zack what happened. Cloud knows that if Zack finds out, as happy as the older soldier will be for him, there will be no end to the teasing and the jokes, all at his expense. The annoying little things that he has come to expect from Zack.
Cloud does start to notice the way Zack watches him though, and he wonders if that look in Zack’s eye has always been there.
------
Sometimes Cloud is glad Zack is so loud and attention seeking, it allows Cloud to get into places that he normally couldn’t. If everyone’s attention is on Zack, they don’t bother to pay much attention to him, and they don’t bother check his ID.
Cloud looks up at the noise from the group of Shin-Ra troops gathered around a table in the corner, an unlikely mixture of cadets, grunts and soldiers, then focuses his attention back towards the balls on the green table in front of him.
He likes pool, it’s simple geometry really, and it’s something he can do well, better than most people. It’s a good way to get other people to buy him drinks, which means he doesn’t have to go to the bar and risk being asked to show ID.
He thinks Zack’s intense scrutiny is aimed at the table, but after his turn is over and Zack hasn’t moved, he realizes it’s aimed at him.
Cloud’s expression is one of confusion as he tries to figure out why he’s being watched.
“What?”
“I’ve missed something, haven’t I?” Zack asks
“Yeah, all your shots.”
Zack’s eyes follow him as he perches on a stool, and takes a sip of his drink.
“I’m not talking about the game.”
Cloud shrugs one shoulder and swirls the beer around inside the bottle, watching the foam coat the inside, not meeting Zack’s eyes.
“Yeah, I thought so.”
Cloud is grateful that Zack doesn’t push the issue.
------
They’re laying on top of an abandoned carriage in the train graveyard. Zack likes it here, he says if you stand still you can feel electrical currents moving through the place.
Of course, Zack also believes that bio-electricity and ghosts are the same thing, and he tells Cloud that he’ll understand one day, when he makes it into soldier and gets pumped full of mako.
Zack tries not to laugh at Cloud as he attempts to jam a stolen cigarette lighter under the lid of their last beer bottle to pop it open. Cloud knows a trick to open them using the side of the train seats, that ones that you can turn to face the other direction like those in the car below them, but that would involve having to climb down, and then get back up again.
When the bottle lid pops off Cloud stops Zack’s laughter by throwing the lighter at him.
“Huh. I guess you won’t always need me around to look after you.” The humour in his voice is shadowed by an undercurrent of something else.
“I don’t need you to look after me now.”
“Hmmm. Maybe you’re right.”
Zack stares up at the sky, and Cloud watches him out of the corner of his eye. He realizes he was right about Zack. The older soldier has been watching him. Cloud shifts onto his side to face Zack, and takes a sip of his drink. He feels Zack’s eyes skim over his body, he knows his tank top has risen slightly and now sits just above his hip bones letting the bottom of his stomach show, and he knows that the arc of his neck is exposed and inviting as he swallows.
He knows that Zack wants him, and he knows how to shift his body in innocent ways that makes the other man think not so innocent thoughts.
“Doesn’t mean I don’t need you around. Just means I’m old enough to look after myself.”
Zack just nods, not sure what to say in response.
------
Zack isn’t sure about the change in Cloud. He’s not sure he likes it, and he’s not sure what brought it on. He does like that the other boy is more confident now, and he does like that he can have Cloud and Sephiroth in the same room now without Cloud being unable to talk and turning bright red, looking like he might explode if attention is focused on him.
“He’s taller than he used to be.”
Zack still finds it strange that Sephiroth seems to pick up on the most obscure things while obvious changes seem to pass the man by. Or maybe he just doesn’t voice his opinions of them.
Zack still finds Sephiroth strange.
“Yeah, I guess he is.”
-----
“You and Sephiroth have slept together, right?”
The question throws him off guard, and the weight of his sword almost pulls Zack over and he spins around half way through his manoeuvre to look at Cloud, who’s perched on the edge of a crate against the building watching him.
“What?”
“Well, you have, right?”
“Where did that come from?”
Cloud shrugs one shoulder, an instinctual gesture that Zack is coming to associate with him.
“I guess I’ve just been noticing a lot of things recently. Things I never paid much attention to before.”
Zack nods and doesn’t push for a better answer, it’s probably the best explanation he is likely to get.
Scuffing his toe in the gravel under his boots, he’s not sure he’s comfortable talking about this with Cloud.
“Yes. We have slept together.”
“Many times? Or just the once?”
Cloud doesn’t seem to sense Zack’s discomfort, and he only answers because the inquisitive expression on Cloud’s face makes him seem so innocent.
“A few times.”
His answers are terse, and as much as he wants to change the subject, he knows he will tell Cloud anything he wants to know.
“Are you still sleeping with him?”
He doesn’t expect that question, and he wonders why exactly Cloud wants to know that. He doesn’t want to look Cloud in the eye.
“It hasn’t happened in a while.
“Ok.”
He glances up at the boy, who seems satisfied by his answer. Walking over, he sits his sword on top of another crate, busying himself with small chips in the blade.
“Do you want to sleep with me?”
Zack is shocked by the question. He realizes that he shouldn’t be, but he is all the same and he feels his face redden.
“I… Yes.”
“Ok.”
Cloud seems satisfied by that answer too.
------
Zack doesn’t want to do much with Cloud until he finds out exactly what the boys motivations are, but Cloud keeps pushing the issue, and with the young blond kissing him and squirming against him while straddling his lap, there is only so much he can take.
“Please Zack.”
This is the second, or maybe the third time they’ve had this pleading argument, and even though every time it leads to sexual frustration for both of them, Zack tries desperately to stick to his decision.
“No, not yet.”
Clouds response is to pout and bite softly on Zack’s neck.
“So if you won’t do that, there must be something you will do?”
Soft words and warm breath over his ear driving him on. Movement in his lap encouraging him.
“Maybe.”
Zack pulls Cloud so he is kneeling up, and kisses the smooth skin of the boys stomach that is so near to his face, a faint line of hair leading downwards tickling his nose.
“Maybe I can think of something I could do.”
Cloud’s thick belt falls to the floor behind him and he smiles. This he knows, this he can do.
-------
Cloud is more interested in the physical sensation than he is in Zack. He wants experience, he wants another body pressed against him to experiment with, to learn from, and Zack is familiar, Zack is comfortable. He can’t think of anyone better, he trusts the man, and he wants Zack to be his first. Zack’s been there to teach him all he knows about weapons, about his soldier training, about life in Midgar and how the world works. He wants Zack to guide him in this too. Cloud wants to be taught what to do, and he wants to know exactly what it is all the boys who watch him what to do with his body.
Zack has slept with Sephiroth, and he wants to know what to do for the general if, when, he tells himself, when he finds a way to get in bed with Sephiroth.
-------
Cloud is laying on his stomach on Zack’s lounge and he enjoys watching Zack’s animated cooking. The older man rummages through one cupboard before bounding into the next with the same enthusiasm he throws into everything he does, dinner being no exception.
“So what’s Sephiroth like in bed?”
Zack shouldn’t be as shocked by the question as he is, but it still takes him by surprise.
“Cloud… “
Zack doesn’t like Clouds obsession with Sephiroth. He’s not sure if he’s jealous, or just concerned. Cloud doesn’t seem so innocent anymore, he’s aware of his body now, and he knows what he can do, and what he can get with it. Zack’s seen him teasing the others, and he’s worried about him.
Zack knows the things that can happen, the things that do happen in the showers, in the change rooms and the barracks at night. He’s seen it happen, and it’s not pretty. Zack has seen boys broken and bruised all because they attracted the wrong kind of attention.
He doesn’t want to see that happen to Cloud. Not forcefully by his squad, and not accidentally by their general.
“Cloud, Sephiroth will hurt you. “
“I know it will hurt a little at first. You keep telling me that. I’ll never know if I never try it.”
Zack looks away, not meeting Clouds eye.
“I don’t mean your body. Sephiroth…”
Zack trails off. He doesn’t want to explain it to Cloud. He doesn’t want to tell the boy how Sephiroth is cold and distant, and doesn’t understand people. He doesn’t want to explain to Cloud things about Sephiroth that he himself shouldn’t rightly know.
He shakes the thoughts out of his head, and goes over to sit next to Cloud, wrapping his arms around him.
“I don’t want you to get hurt Cloud. If you get too close to Sephiroth, you‘ll just get hurt.”
Cloud looks at him, he’s considering Zack’s words.
“Do you not want me to sleep with Sephiroth, or do you just not want me to sleep with anyone that isn’t you?”
Zack is confused as he leans in to kiss Cloud on the forehead, and decides that it’s probably better that he doesn’t dwell too much on Cloud’s question.
------
It’s cold and the ground underneath Cloud’s feet is covered with snow as he tries to smash through the frozen lake with a large stone. His attempts prove to be futile, and he rocks back on his heels to consider his options.
There are barracks somewhere west of here that were built during the war. Even Shin-Ra has almost forgotten about them, a relic from a time in their history best left as forgotten and neglected as the buildings themselves. His unit is supposed to be there by now, but no one had counted on the snow slowing them down, and their hike being made even harder by frozen terrain.
He assumes they’re still about two days out from Wutai, and he damns whoever’s decision it was to stop and make camp here. It was probably Sephiroth‘s, and that thought makes him uneasy, but he can‘t put his finger on why exactly.
Giving up on getting water he stands and walks back to camp.
“It’s no use, the lake is frozen over.”
Sephiroth looks up at him from where he’s perched on the edge of a rock, and Cloud tries not to laugh at him. He knows it’s disrespectful and he will probably get ordered sentry duty for the entire night, so he manages to swallow his laughter and keep his face calm.
The general has an elastic band between his teeth, and a small plastic comb in his fingers, and is trying to free strands of silver hair that have managed to tangle themselves around the scabbard attached to his back and one of the straps holding it on.
Sephiroth’s eyes narrow as he looks up at Cloud. All the other troops have busied themselves with setting up tents, and Cloud feels like he has interrupted something, but when he looks back to the general the look that was there is gone.
Sephiroth’s free hand reaches further up, away from the scabbard and onto the hilt of the masamune, unclipping a small ball and holding it out to Cloud.
“Here.”
He takes the smooth round ball, and it’s warm in his hand, the fire materia taking the chill out of his fingers. His instinct is to press it to the back of his neck, the warmth flows down his spine and he feels better, warmer, like he hasn’t just hiked for five hours through the freezing snow. He realizes Sephiroth is still watching him, and he moves his hand away from his neck, only slightly embarrassed by his actions.
“Thanks.”
Cloud takes his leave and returns to the lake, the magic melts the ice quickly, leaving the water at the edge of the lake warm. He washes his face before filling the canteens and drinking, half emptying one before re filling it and closing the lid.
Returning to camp he sits on the rock next to Sephiroth. The masamune leans on the rock beside him, his hair is untangled and in a single braid running down his back.
Cloud hands him the materia and one of the canteens of water, and the general looks at him, puzzled.
“You’re not scared of me.”
Sephiroth is not sure if he is correct about the conclusion he’s come to.
“No.”
“Hmmm.” he nods his head and takes a sip of water. “Is that because of Zack?”
Cloud isn’t exactly sure why or when that changed.
He shrugs one shoulder.
“I guess so.”
------
“Can I share with you?”
The question catches Sephiroth off guard, and he looks up from the map he’s been studying.
He isn’t used to people approaching him so easily, and it slightly unnerves him, enough that his only response is to wait for the boy to continue talking.
“There are twenty of us total. Three to a tent, and everyone already figured out sleeping arrangements while I was doing water and rations. I either share with you or I’m on my own.”
It’s a lie, and Cloud holds his breath until Sephiroth nods.
“Sure.”
Cloud is relieved it’s a lie Sephiroth didn’t see through.
------
When Cloud leans in and kisses him, he’s not sure what to do. He knows he should push the younger boy away, but for a moment, he doesn’t. He lets Cloud kiss him, his lips are warm and soft, a stark contrast to the cold night, and he considers letting Cloud have his way, he considers letting the cold night be forgotten. But he doesn’t, and when Cloud pulls away slightly Sephiroth pulls his whole body back, sitting up.
The look on Sephiroth‘s face is unreadable as he shakes his head.
“No. I can’t.”
“It’s ok.” Cloud pushes. “You can. I want you to.”
Sephiroth doesn’t want to explain. Doesn’t want to tell this boy why it’s so dangerous.
“No. Cloud…” he pauses, trying to think of the right thing to say. “Sometimes, things happen… it’s not me. Sometimes I don’t control the things that I do.”
“It’s alright. I’m not scared of you.”
The boy’s eyes are big and soft, and so blue that Sephiroth has a hard time looking into them.
“You should be. I am.”
------
Dawn hasn’t quite broken yet, soft bird noise is coming from the trees, otherwise all is still, but the slight movement wakes Sephiroth just enough to check his surroundings.
Cloud only leaves the tent for a few moments, long enough to comply to his body’s demands before climbing back in and diving into his sleeping bag. The boy is shivering from the cold, and he feels the other body move closer to his and press against his back. As much as he wants to push him back, Sephiroth is grateful for the warmth and allows him stay there.
It is too early to be up yet, and Sephiroth lets himself drift back into the blissful limbo between sleep and the waking world. He can still feel the movement of the other body behind him, and his subconscious mind incorporates it into his semi-lucid dream state.
He’s aware of someone talking to him, talking at him, but he’s still not awake enough to deal with Cloud, to answer his questions, or to tell him why he shouldn’t be pressing against his back like he is, to tell him that his arm shouldn’t slip around Sephiroth, letting his fingers slide over the skin of his chest. That Cloud’s warm breath shouldn’t be ghosting across his ear from lips that are far too close to his neck. He’s not awake enough to remind Cloud that he is his commanding officer and to explain why it’s wrong. But the sound of the voice is soothing, and even if he can’t make out the words the intent is clear.
When he wakes up, Sephiroth will have to sit down with Cloud and make sure that he knows that he will not sleep with him, no matter how much he begs or pleads. Or touches. Or squirms against him, rocking his hips up against his, trying to shift or change his weight to make him move, move, move….
Wait… what?
Sephiroth shakes an arm to see if it responds, needing to know if he is awake or not yet, he needs to know if his body has been moving, or if he is just dreaming it. He's pretty sure he was dreaming, and he tells his body to open his eyes, but something’s wrong. He tries to clear his mind, and shakes his head.
Cloud is looking up from underneath him, and this realization makes Sephiroth feel sick to his stomach.
How did he end up here? How did he end up pinning the boy to the ground, one leg pressed down hard between Clouds thighs rubbing against his groin, a hand up his shirt touching the warm smooth skin on his chest?
It’s daylight outside the tent, and there is movement in the camp.
“Cloud? What…?” His voice is a hoarse whisper, and he sits back on his heels, eyes focusing on Cloud. The boy looks physically fine, other than a darkening bruise on his wrist, he looks cold and very pale, his lips kiss bruised a dark pink. He looks confused. He looks afraid.
“Are you alright?”
Cloud nods as a response and moving backwards he sits up, putting some distance between them.
Sephiroth stands and leaves the tent, he is dry heaving, his body is betraying him again. He makes it as far as the lake before emptying the contents of his stomach onto the frozen ground.
------
Sephiroth passes Zack in the hall on the way to his quarters. He’s glad to be back home, where he can close his door and shut away the rest of the world, shower until the water turns cold, and sleep in a soft, warm bed.
“Hey, how was your week?”
He realizes he has missed Zack’s voice during the week he was away, missed his smile, and the infectious laughter that Sephiroth has come to accept as being a part of his day to day life. And even if he doesn’t necessarily miss them, he acknowledges the absence of the jokes and taunts he usually finds himself to be the basis of.
Sephiroth realizes just how much he has missed Zack.
He’s not sure what to tell him. Sephiroth knows how he looks, exhausted, muddy and tired. He knows his hair is plastered down to his scalp from the rain and there are bags under his eyes. He knows that his appearance tells Zack exactly how much of a toll this past week has taken.
But that’s not what he’s asking, that’s not what Zack wants to know.
Sephiroth looks up into lavender eyes, not holding his gaze for long before leaving to continue down the hall.
“Zack… I’m sorry.”
Zack is confused, then angry. His instinct is telling him to lash out at Sephiroth, to hurt him, but he doesn’t. He knows it’s pointless and that whatever has happened, Sephiroth is punishing himself enough over it.
Zack knows violence, and when it flares up in him he pushes it back down as best he can. He knows from experience that Sephiroth will do nothing if Zack listens to the fire in his mind and attacks him. He knows that when Sephiroth is like this he will stand there and take blow after blow, not trying to defend himself, not trying to strike back.
Directing his anger towards Sephiroth is pointless.
Zack sighs and leans his head on the frame of the door that he is still telling himself he was not pointlessly standing around in waiting for one of them to come by. Waiting for one of them to come home. He’s still not sure exactly which of his friends he was waiting for.
He’s worried now, and damn it, he told Cloud. Zack warned him but he didn’t listen, he didn‘t want to listen. Zack is almost certain that this time Cloud is to blame for whatever happened to Sephiroth, almost certain his friend’s current mental state is due to Cloud pushing him, pushing the line and trying to get on the other side of Sephiroth‘s invisible boundaries.
He‘s not sure if he’s angry at Cloud for not listening to him, and putting himself in real danger, or if he’s angry because the state Sephiroth is in now is Cloud’s fault, and he feels like he should have done more to prevent this from happening.
-------
It’s late when Zack hears the knock on his door that he had given up waiting for a few hours ago.
Zack’s theory was that Cloud had stumbled into his dorm in far worse condition than their mako enhanced leader had been, and sleep had probably claimed him then and there, unshowered, with his boots still on. Which meant Zack wouldn’t be seeing the boy tonight.
He’s glad to be proven wrong, and greets Cloud with the smile that he has become known for. Zack sweeps the boy into a hug and drags him into the room, pushing aside his worry and fear, because that’s not important right now.
It means a lot to him that Cloud is here now and has come to him for comfort. He had been expecting the worst, to find Cloud broken and withdrawn, doubting not only himself, but the man he has been idolizing.
Zack had been bothered with the idea that Cloud might cut himself off from the real world and retreat inside one of his own creation. It’s a trait he knows Cloud has, a mannerism he sees in him sometimes, and he intends to stick around and keep an eye on Cloud, to keep it in check, and make sure the boy stays grounded.
Zack is still confused and wants to know what happened, but he settles for asking the mundane, about the mission, about his health after a week in the cold, and if Cloud missed him as much as he did Cloud.
Zack waits for Cloud to kiss him first, and when he does it that one small gesture seems to make him relax. It’s not until Cloud sees this that he realizes just how worried and concerned the older man has been this past week, and he feels bad for being the cause of it all. He doesn’t want to do that to Zack.
“Zack,”
Cloud moves back just enough that the other man can see his expression, tracing fingers through a lock of hair and down Zack’s cheek to turn his face towards Cloud. Cloud wants to make sure Zack is looking at him, he wants Zack to have the same confidence in him that he places in Zack.
“I’m fine.”
He says it with complete sincerity, and although Cloud’s not completely sure he is fine right now, he knows he will be.
------
Cloud has grown up so much in the past month. Too much, to quickly, and Zack’s not sure he likes these newest changes in Cloud. But he does seem older now, and Zack doesn’t feel as guilty about having him in his bed.
Laying still and silent afterwards he tries to catch his breath, and his body aches, but it’s in a good way that Cloud decides he likes. He is covered in sweat and other fluids that aren’t all his own but he doesn’t mind too much.
He props himself up on one arm to look over at Zack, and Cloud thinks to himself he is lucky to have him. Zack is everything he aspires to be like one day, when he’s older, when he makes it into soldier.
“Hey Zack?”
“Yeah?”
His response is mumbled and half asleep, and he opens the one eye that isn’t flat against the pillow to watch Cloud.
“I lied, you know? I do need you around to look after me.”
Zack lets out a low chuckle and wraps his arm around Cloud to pull him closer. He thinks that it’s all very strange how they came to be here now, and he‘s still a little unsure about everything.
It will take some time for him to adjust to this new, more grown up person Cloud is becoming. Zack can already tell the day is coming where Cloud will prove to be the mature one out of the two. Zack wonders how rough the next few weeks, maybe months, are going to be and he hopes that Cloud isn’t the type to take the hard path every time.
But for right now Cloud seems content enough curled up in his arms, and Zack knows he should be happy too, and he will be, but not yet. Maybe when his head clears, when the rational side of his mind isn’t at war with itself and he doesn’t feel like tearing his best friend apart because he is to protective of someone who attracts trouble. But that’s alright. They have all the time in the world, and Zack knows they will be happy, he’ll make sure of it.
Zack knows bliss is not instantaneous.