Me... or, You haven't got a prayer.
As everyone prone to do at some point in there adult lives, I want to take a moment to talk about... ME. EGOTISTICAL eh?
In high school I never liked my looks, never thought of myself as attractive. In fact, I thought I was quite ugly. But I always had my mind. My mind was beautiful, strong, helpful, and fast. And while my mind never rested the way I wanted it to I was happy with the way it worked.
I grew (physically if not emotionally) and both my mind and body changed in ways that an adolescent could never have fathomed. I grew taller... (Yea)... and a grew a bit rounder... (ok... not really that bitty). I have also become cynical to a point I never felt I could be, while at the same time being buoyed by some inane hope and insane lack of the ability to realize when I am fighting a losing battle.
It 's like that song by They Might Be Giants, Whistling in the dark. To me this song goes beyond talking about people that whistle when they are scared to gain courage by pretending they aren't scared. Or talking about people who just don't get it when something is obvious to everyone else. The best way I can put it is like this... "You haven't got a clue that you haven't got a prayer." That's me most of the time only it's more like I DO have a clue but can't seem to wrap my heart around the idea of giving up.
In the years since I first became aware of my appearance and status in a social or communal way I have seen people that I felt were less attractive then me in a physical or mental or emotional way so my attitude has softened slightly since then on that subject but I have lost almost all comfort that my mind brought. My mind refuses to forget, let go, move on, or surrender, even when it knows it hasn't got a prayer. I now hate it as much as anything else about me. I now hate myself completely.
While I am still not overly fond of myself I have begun healing, begun walking a new path. One where every step I take hurts like hell. It must be a penance for past sins... Then again... I have always been harder on myself then anyone else.
So I am searching... searching for the ME that I can be happy with. The me that feels good about the way he looks, talks, and acts. The me that is comfortable being alone with himself so that some day he can be comfortable with someone whom he can share his soul with.
I am searching for... Me.
P.S.
I want to take this oppertunity to appologize to those I have hurt, wounded, or scared by this writeing or at any other time in my life. I truly wish I could take it back.
I love you all deeply.
In high school I never liked my looks, never thought of myself as attractive. In fact, I thought I was quite ugly. But I always had my mind. My mind was beautiful, strong, helpful, and fast. And while my mind never rested the way I wanted it to I was happy with the way it worked.
I grew (physically if not emotionally) and both my mind and body changed in ways that an adolescent could never have fathomed. I grew taller... (Yea)... and a grew a bit rounder... (ok... not really that bitty). I have also become cynical to a point I never felt I could be, while at the same time being buoyed by some inane hope and insane lack of the ability to realize when I am fighting a losing battle.
It 's like that song by They Might Be Giants, Whistling in the dark. To me this song goes beyond talking about people that whistle when they are scared to gain courage by pretending they aren't scared. Or talking about people who just don't get it when something is obvious to everyone else. The best way I can put it is like this... "You haven't got a clue that you haven't got a prayer." That's me most of the time only it's more like I DO have a clue but can't seem to wrap my heart around the idea of giving up.
In the years since I first became aware of my appearance and status in a social or communal way I have seen people that I felt were less attractive then me in a physical or mental or emotional way so my attitude has softened slightly since then on that subject but I have lost almost all comfort that my mind brought. My mind refuses to forget, let go, move on, or surrender, even when it knows it hasn't got a prayer. I now hate it as much as anything else about me. I now hate myself completely.
While I am still not overly fond of myself I have begun healing, begun walking a new path. One where every step I take hurts like hell. It must be a penance for past sins... Then again... I have always been harder on myself then anyone else.
So I am searching... searching for the ME that I can be happy with. The me that feels good about the way he looks, talks, and acts. The me that is comfortable being alone with himself so that some day he can be comfortable with someone whom he can share his soul with.
I am searching for... Me.
P.S.
I want to take this oppertunity to appologize to those I have hurt, wounded, or scared by this writeing or at any other time in my life. I truly wish I could take it back.
I love you all deeply.