One day at a time right?
I went to CAPS today, saw someone. It really helped a lot. To talk to
someone who was impartial to the situation and someone I could talk to
and know that they won't judge me or say things that friends would say
to make me feel better. I'm emotionally not ok. She said that I'm
dwelling on him so much because of the fact that though I may or may
not have done something wrong to him and though the story I told her
may be true. He was told something else, he was lead to belive somthing
else by others that have a greater influence on him and people he has
known longer, the obvious choice there was to take their side. That
there was no doubt that he did care for me, but maybe in his past
relationships fidelity was an issue and when it came up again, instead
of facing it, the easy way out was to drop the whole
relationship. Also the reason it bothered me so much was also the
fact that such a long time spent with someone I would expect more of a
chance to repair the relationship and try to figure out the
insecurities we both had and to try and talk it though and be there for
one another which didn't happen. and the fact that the trust was never
broken before that day so why in one day did it change so drastically.
She said that though I may want our relationship back, the healthier
and smarter thing to do would be to take a long break and sometime find
someone who is more willing to try and work through issues, like
fidelity. We also talked about classes and school and work and how all
of everything is overwhelming me. I go to class and I sit there taking
notes but the information just just not there. I'm there physically,
but mentally i'm gone. I don't sleep in class, I try and pay
attention....ugh We talked about a lot. I really helped. My unstable
ass needs to get stable. I might chnge my major, I might take a
quarter off, I might do so many thins but right now I need to just
think about what needs to happpen. I need full closer on that
relationship because it's still not there. I want to know why that
trust wasn't there and why our relationship was thrown away, with no
second glances, no my side of the story. I need to know why I wasn't a
need and not a want. but I guess I won't get those answers so I'll just
have to focus my energies on friends and other people. Maybe start
going on dates? I dunno.