Speak, and my heart starts aching / Reach, and the numbness dims
I feel like I'm preparing for a battle.
Most of you know that I found my faith nearly three whole years ago, and I guess all of those at least know I've been planning on going on a mission because what I want to do is let others have the chance to find the same amazing sources of inner strength and happiness as I have. I honestly have never been happier for this long, as even the hard times have been eased down with a sense of belonging, and I can't come up with anything that would turn me back from the decisions I've made - and, as you should know if you know me at all, the fact that I ever made the decision to join a church and trust God to help me find my way through life and eternity means I knew enough to take the huge step from non-believer to a full-time christian girl with prayers, church and all that jazz. Even on my moments of crisis I doubt my ability to practise what I preach instead of doubting the faith I've found. I find peace and comfort from the scriptures and through prayer, from the knowledge and understanding I gain more or less steadily and I would never even dream of apologizing for these things. You might or might not know all this.
There are days, though, when even normal discussions feel like battles I never wanted to get into.
I'm starting to get more than fed up with people to whom christianity equals brainwashing, guilt trips, closed-mindedness and, personally the worst of all, idiocy or something to be looked down upon. I get where that comes from, I do, but hey - I kinda wish the generalization wouldn't make me seem like a mindless puppet with no thoughts of her own.
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy discussions that start with the loud "you gotta be kidding me, you were supposed to be intelligent!", I really do. I believe it's what a few years younger version of myself would say to me if I ever was foolish enough to time-travel along my own timeline (which I would totally not do, 'cause that would be just plain stupid). Those kind of lines, while possibly overly negative to people less sure of themselves, open a way for me to explain myself and that's cool - I've found out I actually enjoy explaining myself when I have a good grasp of what I'm talking about. Of course, no one enjoys hitting their head against a wall for too long, but on most days I handle overly stubborn people by filing them somewhere along "idiots who I don't need to concern myself with".
I don't expect people to nod along and pretend they get my faith, quite the opposite - if you don't agree, especially if you don't believe in the same things I do, please do let me know if and when they become an important aspect of our discussion. I still live to understand how and what and why people believe in, and nothing gets you thrown into discard box of potential friendship than pretending to agree and thinking I'm stupid enough or fanatic enough or conceited enough to not notice.
I just kinda wish people would treat religious people as people, and let me friggin' talk about my weekly activities without putting needless emphasis on the church thingies in-between everything else. I get that religion is a touchy subjct for reason, but me mentioning church-related things is kinda similar to me mentioning larp-related things: Not trying to convert you to my faith or force you to understand why being someone else makes you a better person. Just, you know, telling you about my daily life.
Phew, this is probably only a one third of the rant I went through inside my mind while going through all the thirty-something notifications (!, been away from Internet only thirty-something hours...) after having my wolf's hour ponderings. Honestly, I get that no one wants anyone to show their genitals around but I'm pretty fed up (but not enough to start a pointless battle with someone I barely know by face and name) with people who in all seriousness use the afore-mentioned genitals as a metaphor for religion. Or think people with faith are proud of their religion - how do you even begin to be proud of something you had no part in creating? Try happy or greatful. Try the friggin' tolerance everyone talks about these days; I don't need to be tolerated but it's a much better start than implying I should take my religion and faith into a friggin' closet and keep it there so no one will be offended by whatever they assume religion to be about.
I get now why some converts to whatever church have not been in touch with people they used to hang out with. I admit I've been judgmental and thought those people either not sure enough of their new-found faith or becoming fanatics and forgetting non-members are good people, too. Apparently there are plenty of reasons, one of them quite likely getting fed up with all the so-called friends belittling them for what they have found for themselves.
...thankfully I've never had any so-called friends. I love the fact that I've met and stayed in contact with amazing people who know me and who I can trust to tell me when they think I've gone crazy - and then listen to me explain myself and either understand or accept the fact that I've gone crazy for good.
Oh, and in other news - Christmas has been good, as it usually is, living with Mom has been easy for now (and I don't expect that to change any time soon): Cats are cute and not-that-cuddly, as usual, we started watching all the Harry Potter movies and will most likely move onto Babylon 5 in a day or two. I expect the last-minute stress of New Year's Dance decoration responsibilities to start right on time on Friday, with more excitement I believed I could have towards a responsibility. But my partner-in-crime has a good sense of making choices where I don't know how to, and we agree on the most important things - like the Doctor and Sherlock, even as neither one of them has anything to do with actual decorating process.