The Worlds A Rollercoaster And I am Not Strapped In
For the last 70 plus days I have activately attempted to change alot of habits and activities in my life. This included alot of my online activities as well. Like I didn't check e-mail (okay maybe once or twice), or Live Journal, or My Space or basically anything. When I did go online it was to look up something or for a specific purpose like finding an address or an answer.
The main purpose of this was to change several habits and force my mind to find other things to occupy it's self like..... I don't know....reading. Which was largely successful. My reading has excelled dramatically. Of course the longer I am sober the more my memorie gets better. Therefore reading becomes alot more entertaining when you can remember what the hell you read a couple of days ago.
Of course working in a book store makes this sorta important as well and presents more oppurtunities to read things you normally wouldn't.
Then again a few other things have changed as well.
Like waking up in the morning, an activity I use to sacrifice on the alter of the bitch goddess Hangover. Then there is meditation which has become a large part of my recovery. A ritual of sorts where I take at least an hour a day to spend meditating and reading about philosphy, addiction or whatever psychological issue I have recently found interesting while running the Self Help/Psychology section at work.
This has actually allowed me to study alot of Zen, Islam and American Indian beliefs that I doubt I would have ever picked up unless all of this had happened. Everything for a reason and all that stuff.
But back to the senseless rambling that I do so well.
My attitude and mental well being has managed to stay at a very high level. A level that people find a need to comment on that have been around me while I was a blazing alcoholic. The ones that saw the dark side of me on a daily basis.
It's kinda funny really. There are three little mantra's that run in a loop in the back of my mind now. Sorta survival technigues for me. No matter what is going on or what I am doing they are running like back ground music in my subconscious.
"I cannot control the future or change the past only what is happening right now concentrate on that."
"I am not responsible for other peoples actions or reactions, so take nothing personally at all"
"Say what you mean and mean what you say all the time"
and last but not least is
'Positive in gets positive out"
This list is slowly being ammended as I learn more, read more, and accept more of my own faults. But this is like the basic four. Kinda like a 4 Commandments if ya will. The stuff that is most important.
All really simple things to most people. Actually let me ammend that. I think those 4 points are easy for most people to pay lip service to and they sound really good. But to be put into actual everyday, every moment use? I doubt that is happening.
See for me that was always hard to do. I was only this angry negative person. I was worried about something coming up in 2 days or what if this happens, and something that I could have done better 3 years ago.
Now I am amazed at how much energy it takes to be negative. To worry about all that shit you cannot control or change. There is like thought and planning and research and shit that goes in to it. Very time consuming when you really think about it.
The level of positive energy I have is amazing to even me now. The stuff that use to piss me off or cause those little waves of irritation just aren't there anymore. Hell even the big stuff that use to send me flying off into these boarderline rage outbursts aren't even there anymore. I just don't let it bother me at all.
Yeah things suck. Or I wish that X hadn't happened. But then I think about it. Do I really have any control over X?
1. Yes? Well X did happen. Accept it. Deal with. Make sure X doesn't happen again. Then move on with the day.
2. No? Fuck it. Okay then moving on with the day.
On one level this is really cool. Then again on another level it is disturbing to me. It is right in your-face-look-at-me-motherfucker evidence of just how out of control I was. And that my friends is a nasty feeling at times. One that has to be over come but hard to ignore.
All in all though everything is going really well. My mind set is right. My view on the world, while strange and down right odd in comparison with most people, is right for me.
Now granted I am still on a "pink cloud" in the fact that nothing major has happened. A haven't been fired from my job. I haven't totalled my car. I haven't been robed. I haven't gone through a break up with a girlfriend. So nothing has really entered my world to dramatically change my attitude or mindset.
While I have had some rather bad things happen since I have been doing my recovery nothing earthshaking or horrible has happened. So with no ripples in the pond it is always going to be smooth sailing.
I guess I can only talk about how good I am doing after some horrible event. But doesn't that sound morbid? Like I am sitting around waiting for something horrible like a death in the family to happen?
Now don't get me wrong. There have been some really obvious world of suck things that have happened since I have gotten sober.
Like friends or even aquaintances. When someone asks what has been going on or where I have been. I usually tell them. I don't shrink from the question. I even told my boss when I returned from my leave that if anyone asked where I was for the last 14 days I was going to tell them. So usually it gets brought up. It's kinda like if you just got back from Paris, your going to tell people. Not that rehab and Paris are in the same ball park but you get the idea.
The reactions I get are priceless, however a lot less entertaining as time goes by. Most (and by most I mean 95%) of the people I know and or tell or find out about me recovering or stint in Rehab all act like I am contagious. It's like ..."Oh Really" taking a step back. "And how is that working for you?" Now keep in mind the other person most of the time doesn't care how it is working out for you, they just don't know what else to say so it pops out. Kinda like asking someone if they are alright after obviously injuring themselves. It just rolls out. In this case it gives them time to plan their escape.
Then again everyone seems to think that for some reason I have become this like born again Christian and I'm going to be marching the streets to ban alcohol. Or everytime the open a beer say something like
"Ahhhhhh shhhhha...yeah. Do you really need to have a beer. can't you just have fun with out the booze?"
or
"Have you accepted AA as your personal saviour?"
First off, I have never been that cat. I don't like forcing anything on anyone else and don't think that anyone should for anything of anyone, anytime, anywhere. (I think you are getting the picture.) Do as though wilt and all that crap. And that has even been more reinforced with my sobriety. Everyone has got to find their own way.
Secondly, I had some great times tipping back a few, or tasting wines when I was in the industry. But as time went on something in my genetic make up made booze bad. Crushing depression. Bad tempers (to say the least) and self destructive behaviour on a truely epic scale. Now that is just me. For some reason that is what alcohol does to me.
Not to you.
To me.
For me to have a hate on for booze or to think that everyone else is an alcoholic is as logical as being allergic to strawberries and calling for a world wide ban on strawberries.
It just doesn't make any sense to me. But then again what works for me might not work for you.
And people are just the way they are.
At first I found it a little insulting. The majority of people just made an asumption and kept with that assumption. Then I had a friend put it in perspective in two ways.
"When you were drinking, not even in your final years but in the good years, would you have wanted to be around someone that was a recovering alcoholic?" To which I answered no.
"And who really cares if they make those assumptions?"
Ah...that's it. I had to set my own assumptions to the side and move on with my day. With those people or without them.
Not everyday is a picnic but it is a new day.
I think I just rambled for the better part of a half hour about just stuff I think I did say something. Hell I must have had a reason just to babble about stuff. What it is I really don't know. Hmmmmm...Well...anyway...
The reason I started this before I got completely off subject was that while I have been absent online I am back now.
So if your only way of getting a hold of me is via the internet please feel free to contact me. Sorry for just falling out of touch like that.
The main purpose of this was to change several habits and force my mind to find other things to occupy it's self like..... I don't know....reading. Which was largely successful. My reading has excelled dramatically. Of course the longer I am sober the more my memorie gets better. Therefore reading becomes alot more entertaining when you can remember what the hell you read a couple of days ago.
Of course working in a book store makes this sorta important as well and presents more oppurtunities to read things you normally wouldn't.
Then again a few other things have changed as well.
Like waking up in the morning, an activity I use to sacrifice on the alter of the bitch goddess Hangover. Then there is meditation which has become a large part of my recovery. A ritual of sorts where I take at least an hour a day to spend meditating and reading about philosphy, addiction or whatever psychological issue I have recently found interesting while running the Self Help/Psychology section at work.
This has actually allowed me to study alot of Zen, Islam and American Indian beliefs that I doubt I would have ever picked up unless all of this had happened. Everything for a reason and all that stuff.
But back to the senseless rambling that I do so well.
My attitude and mental well being has managed to stay at a very high level. A level that people find a need to comment on that have been around me while I was a blazing alcoholic. The ones that saw the dark side of me on a daily basis.
It's kinda funny really. There are three little mantra's that run in a loop in the back of my mind now. Sorta survival technigues for me. No matter what is going on or what I am doing they are running like back ground music in my subconscious.
"I cannot control the future or change the past only what is happening right now concentrate on that."
"I am not responsible for other peoples actions or reactions, so take nothing personally at all"
"Say what you mean and mean what you say all the time"
and last but not least is
'Positive in gets positive out"
This list is slowly being ammended as I learn more, read more, and accept more of my own faults. But this is like the basic four. Kinda like a 4 Commandments if ya will. The stuff that is most important.
All really simple things to most people. Actually let me ammend that. I think those 4 points are easy for most people to pay lip service to and they sound really good. But to be put into actual everyday, every moment use? I doubt that is happening.
See for me that was always hard to do. I was only this angry negative person. I was worried about something coming up in 2 days or what if this happens, and something that I could have done better 3 years ago.
Now I am amazed at how much energy it takes to be negative. To worry about all that shit you cannot control or change. There is like thought and planning and research and shit that goes in to it. Very time consuming when you really think about it.
The level of positive energy I have is amazing to even me now. The stuff that use to piss me off or cause those little waves of irritation just aren't there anymore. Hell even the big stuff that use to send me flying off into these boarderline rage outbursts aren't even there anymore. I just don't let it bother me at all.
Yeah things suck. Or I wish that X hadn't happened. But then I think about it. Do I really have any control over X?
1. Yes? Well X did happen. Accept it. Deal with. Make sure X doesn't happen again. Then move on with the day.
2. No? Fuck it. Okay then moving on with the day.
On one level this is really cool. Then again on another level it is disturbing to me. It is right in your-face-look-at-me-motherfucker evidence of just how out of control I was. And that my friends is a nasty feeling at times. One that has to be over come but hard to ignore.
All in all though everything is going really well. My mind set is right. My view on the world, while strange and down right odd in comparison with most people, is right for me.
Now granted I am still on a "pink cloud" in the fact that nothing major has happened. A haven't been fired from my job. I haven't totalled my car. I haven't been robed. I haven't gone through a break up with a girlfriend. So nothing has really entered my world to dramatically change my attitude or mindset.
While I have had some rather bad things happen since I have been doing my recovery nothing earthshaking or horrible has happened. So with no ripples in the pond it is always going to be smooth sailing.
I guess I can only talk about how good I am doing after some horrible event. But doesn't that sound morbid? Like I am sitting around waiting for something horrible like a death in the family to happen?
Now don't get me wrong. There have been some really obvious world of suck things that have happened since I have gotten sober.
Like friends or even aquaintances. When someone asks what has been going on or where I have been. I usually tell them. I don't shrink from the question. I even told my boss when I returned from my leave that if anyone asked where I was for the last 14 days I was going to tell them. So usually it gets brought up. It's kinda like if you just got back from Paris, your going to tell people. Not that rehab and Paris are in the same ball park but you get the idea.
The reactions I get are priceless, however a lot less entertaining as time goes by. Most (and by most I mean 95%) of the people I know and or tell or find out about me recovering or stint in Rehab all act like I am contagious. It's like ..."Oh Really" taking a step back. "And how is that working for you?" Now keep in mind the other person most of the time doesn't care how it is working out for you, they just don't know what else to say so it pops out. Kinda like asking someone if they are alright after obviously injuring themselves. It just rolls out. In this case it gives them time to plan their escape.
Then again everyone seems to think that for some reason I have become this like born again Christian and I'm going to be marching the streets to ban alcohol. Or everytime the open a beer say something like
"Ahhhhhh shhhhha...yeah. Do you really need to have a beer. can't you just have fun with out the booze?"
or
"Have you accepted AA as your personal saviour?"
First off, I have never been that cat. I don't like forcing anything on anyone else and don't think that anyone should for anything of anyone, anytime, anywhere. (I think you are getting the picture.) Do as though wilt and all that crap. And that has even been more reinforced with my sobriety. Everyone has got to find their own way.
Secondly, I had some great times tipping back a few, or tasting wines when I was in the industry. But as time went on something in my genetic make up made booze bad. Crushing depression. Bad tempers (to say the least) and self destructive behaviour on a truely epic scale. Now that is just me. For some reason that is what alcohol does to me.
Not to you.
To me.
For me to have a hate on for booze or to think that everyone else is an alcoholic is as logical as being allergic to strawberries and calling for a world wide ban on strawberries.
It just doesn't make any sense to me. But then again what works for me might not work for you.
And people are just the way they are.
At first I found it a little insulting. The majority of people just made an asumption and kept with that assumption. Then I had a friend put it in perspective in two ways.
"When you were drinking, not even in your final years but in the good years, would you have wanted to be around someone that was a recovering alcoholic?" To which I answered no.
"And who really cares if they make those assumptions?"
Ah...that's it. I had to set my own assumptions to the side and move on with my day. With those people or without them.
Not everyday is a picnic but it is a new day.
I think I just rambled for the better part of a half hour about just stuff I think I did say something. Hell I must have had a reason just to babble about stuff. What it is I really don't know. Hmmmmm...Well...anyway...
The reason I started this before I got completely off subject was that while I have been absent online I am back now.
So if your only way of getting a hold of me is via the internet please feel free to contact me. Sorry for just falling out of touch like that.