i'll prob'ly be happy
It's odd that I don't really think about being transgendered anymore. In fact, I used to think and talk and blog about it regularly, and it was on my mind a great deal. Lately, it's faded into the background, like the shoes I wear or the color of the walls.
In some other ways, perhaps not. Lately, I've come across various images of transitioned men (Buck Angel being one) that make me tingly with longing. Longing for a sculpted male torso, or for the confidence I see in him. For more power & prowess in my movements and ability.
In some ways, I've just forgotten, or gotten lazy. I let people think I'm female if it doesn't really matter, like teachers and employers. I even play it up a little to try and get jobs. I hate to say that. It's not that I've changed; it's that I've gotten next to nowhere with it many times, and I get tired of the embarrassment. I get quite embarrassed if someone calls me she on purpose after they've been informed that I'm a male. I sometimes feel like it all comes back to my body, and therefore, no change is made in the outer world, because my body stays girl.
It's hard to sort out the voices, when it comes to transition, too. There's a big voice of my mother's saying that I don't really want top surgery and I will regret it. Is that true or have I just internalized her message, which is no longer even her opinion? I want to get top surgery just to spite everyone who told me I wasn't genuine.
I, at least, know that I am transsexual. This word rings truer to me than almost any other. It's a gender all its own, and I'm redefining it that way. I am, in the most basic way, more transsexual than transgendered. I feel my sex, not my gender presentation, should be male or androgynous. I really don't "feel like a man" or even know what that means. I don't "feel like a woman," but how would I know? I do feel transsexual, deeply "other." It's my hometown.
I found a Goths for Obama logo yesterday and it cracked me up. Could someone good at graphic design please make a humorous Trannies for Obama logo? I'll try but my graphix skills are lacking.
In some other ways, perhaps not. Lately, I've come across various images of transitioned men (Buck Angel being one) that make me tingly with longing. Longing for a sculpted male torso, or for the confidence I see in him. For more power & prowess in my movements and ability.
In some ways, I've just forgotten, or gotten lazy. I let people think I'm female if it doesn't really matter, like teachers and employers. I even play it up a little to try and get jobs. I hate to say that. It's not that I've changed; it's that I've gotten next to nowhere with it many times, and I get tired of the embarrassment. I get quite embarrassed if someone calls me she on purpose after they've been informed that I'm a male. I sometimes feel like it all comes back to my body, and therefore, no change is made in the outer world, because my body stays girl.
It's hard to sort out the voices, when it comes to transition, too. There's a big voice of my mother's saying that I don't really want top surgery and I will regret it. Is that true or have I just internalized her message, which is no longer even her opinion? I want to get top surgery just to spite everyone who told me I wasn't genuine.
I, at least, know that I am transsexual. This word rings truer to me than almost any other. It's a gender all its own, and I'm redefining it that way. I am, in the most basic way, more transsexual than transgendered. I feel my sex, not my gender presentation, should be male or androgynous. I really don't "feel like a man" or even know what that means. I don't "feel like a woman," but how would I know? I do feel transsexual, deeply "other." It's my hometown.
I found a Goths for Obama logo yesterday and it cracked me up. Could someone good at graphic design please make a humorous Trannies for Obama logo? I'll try but my graphix skills are lacking.