There's no answer, huh?
Here it is, so few days away. I'm sick with anticipation, but mostly pre-severance issues. Last night was the last night I'll be spending at Ashley's house for some time, and it's the last I'll see of herself and her family until that time is over. It's odd how I couldn't forsee this becoming an issue... but I found out today just how attached I am. I came back to the house, and it was everything I could do to fight back tears, and it scared me. These were honest emotions, not just angst-ridden emo waste. I don't "feel" very often. I frequently think myself into feeling, but it's seldom a response for me to feel rather than think. I mean, I know no one cares or wants to hear any of this, but it's the best I can do to say, I'm being serious. It might just be a few weeks until I can visit as far as I know, and I know that. It's fact. There is no cause to be upset. Even if it were a longer period of time, what rational reason do I have to worry?
The plan was, none. No attachments, no worries. Free to go where I please, do what I want, whether it be absolutely alone or not. I had grown accustomed to it. No family, a couple friends, and no love. I could go to college, and nothing could affect me, after college I could go anywhere and it wouldn't matter. Surely, the occasional fleeting attachment would pop up, but as far as I was aware, all emotional involvement was doomed for failure, so hey, why bother? I came to New York and didn't expect all that much to change. Sure, some family re-discovered me, I could just be like "whatever" and not get involved with the dynamic. And it's not like I'd meet anyone here, because I wouldn't leave the house. But slowly, somehow, my family made themselves integral, offering support that at first I was reluctant to accept, but then found that I needed. I didn't have a choice. I still didn't feel much, though, they were family. By someone's standards, it was more or less expected of them. Not a big deal, ultimately. I was still independent, if need be, if I were cut off, it wouldn't really affect me. Still not going to meet anyone here, right?
Of co-workers and puppies came the surprise. Surely, it started as just that. One of my aunt's co-workers wanted to buy a puppy from a litter one of the dogs had. Just so happened that in every conversation regarding the dogs, mention of my work on the kennel's website would be brought up. Turns out this woman's daughter had an online presence of her own that she thought I might find interesting. Curiosity isn't bad, right? Nothing will come of idle web surfing, it couldn't hurt to at least find out what she was talking about. Who was this person? And so started the interest.
After the first visit, which was entirely dog-related, it was the finite art of computer repair that brought me to their house. I can't say entirely that after that visit, computer repair wasn't just a frontal excuse to see Ashley. She had a sword collection, and if you know anything about me, you know that something like that immediately merits interest. I found myself intrigued... what kind of person is this? So eccentric, so seemingly unscathed by the mainstream of society, apart from the badness that I had grown to know and hate in the world. And so I came back. The more I came back, the more I suppose I allowed myself to become attached and more interested. She had become the reason, the order, what made sense. She was something unique and irreplaceable in every single day, even the days we had no contact. Indeed, this was new, and at this point I would be lying through my teeth if I claimed I didn't like her. It's no secret. It would be a larger lie yet to claim I would be unaffected if anything happened that would damage what we have.
Still, while all that was happening, I was growing more reliant on my family, more attached to her and hers, and I suppose it was only this afternoon that I noticed how it cascaded. I realized that, despite my nature when I came here, I'm going to miss this place, and all these people. And again, it scares me, that once again I like someone, once again I rely on people, and once again, I'm going to miss people.
No, there's no doubt it's a good thing. Unexpected as it may be, I think that I'm starting to open back up, and this time it's actually getting better. And no matter how much it's going to hurt being without my family, Ashley, her family (by this point, it's accurate to dub them my family as well), it will be a constant reminder that they're all here, waiting. That I finally have something, something to come "back" to. Something I thought I'd lost.
Emo-rant aside, I'm leaving in just a few days, and my road test is Thursday. I've still got a lot of prep work to get done, so yeah. I'll be off to bed soon, just figured I'd get some stuff off my chest and, err, on to the internet?
The plan was, none. No attachments, no worries. Free to go where I please, do what I want, whether it be absolutely alone or not. I had grown accustomed to it. No family, a couple friends, and no love. I could go to college, and nothing could affect me, after college I could go anywhere and it wouldn't matter. Surely, the occasional fleeting attachment would pop up, but as far as I was aware, all emotional involvement was doomed for failure, so hey, why bother? I came to New York and didn't expect all that much to change. Sure, some family re-discovered me, I could just be like "whatever" and not get involved with the dynamic. And it's not like I'd meet anyone here, because I wouldn't leave the house. But slowly, somehow, my family made themselves integral, offering support that at first I was reluctant to accept, but then found that I needed. I didn't have a choice. I still didn't feel much, though, they were family. By someone's standards, it was more or less expected of them. Not a big deal, ultimately. I was still independent, if need be, if I were cut off, it wouldn't really affect me. Still not going to meet anyone here, right?
Of co-workers and puppies came the surprise. Surely, it started as just that. One of my aunt's co-workers wanted to buy a puppy from a litter one of the dogs had. Just so happened that in every conversation regarding the dogs, mention of my work on the kennel's website would be brought up. Turns out this woman's daughter had an online presence of her own that she thought I might find interesting. Curiosity isn't bad, right? Nothing will come of idle web surfing, it couldn't hurt to at least find out what she was talking about. Who was this person? And so started the interest.
After the first visit, which was entirely dog-related, it was the finite art of computer repair that brought me to their house. I can't say entirely that after that visit, computer repair wasn't just a frontal excuse to see Ashley. She had a sword collection, and if you know anything about me, you know that something like that immediately merits interest. I found myself intrigued... what kind of person is this? So eccentric, so seemingly unscathed by the mainstream of society, apart from the badness that I had grown to know and hate in the world. And so I came back. The more I came back, the more I suppose I allowed myself to become attached and more interested. She had become the reason, the order, what made sense. She was something unique and irreplaceable in every single day, even the days we had no contact. Indeed, this was new, and at this point I would be lying through my teeth if I claimed I didn't like her. It's no secret. It would be a larger lie yet to claim I would be unaffected if anything happened that would damage what we have.
Still, while all that was happening, I was growing more reliant on my family, more attached to her and hers, and I suppose it was only this afternoon that I noticed how it cascaded. I realized that, despite my nature when I came here, I'm going to miss this place, and all these people. And again, it scares me, that once again I like someone, once again I rely on people, and once again, I'm going to miss people.
No, there's no doubt it's a good thing. Unexpected as it may be, I think that I'm starting to open back up, and this time it's actually getting better. And no matter how much it's going to hurt being without my family, Ashley, her family (by this point, it's accurate to dub them my family as well), it will be a constant reminder that they're all here, waiting. That I finally have something, something to come "back" to. Something I thought I'd lost.
Emo-rant aside, I'm leaving in just a few days, and my road test is Thursday. I've still got a lot of prep work to get done, so yeah. I'll be off to bed soon, just figured I'd get some stuff off my chest and, err, on to the internet?