First, the infodump. Hmm, one commenter likes the history and build-up and one doesn't. Which leaves me a bit confused as to what I should do with it all. I tried to space it out a little bit, with the conversation and the arrival of Nina's quote-unquote 'date' and Ryan taking a nap. They're a pair of old friends who are in the process of growing apart. Needless to say their communication problems are really hard to convey with dialogue. The history on her end is absolutely, positively vital. I'm trying to use that to explain her immaturity and hint at some psychological issues.
The one bit of history I feel really comfortable dumping is the frivolous bit about the idiot girl who carried her front teeth to the hospital in a glass of milk. Cause, hey, that was just personal indulgence.
Adverbs: I love them far too much. Don't worry; I'll go cut some out. Much as that might be painful for me.
Redundancy was a huge problem in this piece. I edited the crap out of it and that was the majority of what I found, so it's disappointing that even now there are still redundancy problems.
There are definitely motifs; if you're ever bored see if you can find them. Some of them shift at the end actually.
Would a scared teenage boy say "I'm in my closet," and just leave it at that? That's the only alteration I've made to that paragraph so far.
I mean, I understand the reason why you have there, but I feel like you don't need to have all it there. Cause it does feel a little too awkward. Personally, I'd cut out the prom section and move it down lower, or something, and just generally split it up more to make it feel less like an infodump. Cause otherwise, it sort of sits there and glares 'INFODUMP K'. Which is not what you want- try integrating it into the story more. Or if that doesn't work, redesign the story to integrate it.
Oh, like who doesn't love adverbs? They're so easy and there and you can paint vivid pic- which is not what you want. The reader can figure things out, or should be able to construct their own images.
A lot of small things, like the beers and drunkenly breathing and etc. Don't over-embellish. Not to say that it's bad, but it doesn't fit in the mood of the piece.
Will duly note to do once I get X things on Y lists done.
Maybe? Just the phrasing of it makes me think he's gay, and it sounds more like something a six year old would say, not a teenager.
I will also shamelessly direct you to a very useful thing. Don't think of it much of rules, as guidelines and advice.
First, the infodump. Hmm, one commenter likes the history and build-up and one doesn't. Which leaves me a bit confused as to what I should do with it all. I tried to space it out a little bit, with the conversation and the arrival of Nina's quote-unquote 'date' and Ryan taking a nap. They're a pair of old friends who are in the process of growing apart. Needless to say their communication problems are really hard to convey with dialogue. The history on her end is absolutely, positively vital. I'm trying to use that to explain her immaturity and hint at some psychological issues.
The one bit of history I feel really comfortable dumping is the frivolous bit about the idiot girl who carried her front teeth to the hospital in a glass of milk. Cause, hey, that was just personal indulgence.
Adverbs: I love them far too much. Don't worry; I'll go cut some out. Much as that might be painful for me.
Redundancy was a huge problem in this piece. I edited the crap out of it and that was the majority of what I found, so it's disappointing that even now there are still redundancy problems.
There are definitely motifs; if you're ever bored see if you can find them. Some of them shift at the end actually.
Would a scared teenage boy say "I'm in my closet," and just leave it at that? That's the only alteration I've made to that paragraph so far.
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Oh, like who doesn't love adverbs? They're so easy and there and you can paint vivid pic- which is not what you want. The reader can figure things out, or should be able to construct their own images.
A lot of small things, like the beers and drunkenly breathing and etc. Don't over-embellish. Not to say that it's bad, but it doesn't fit in the mood of the piece.
Will duly note to do once I get X things on Y lists done.
Maybe? Just the phrasing of it makes me think he's gay, and it sounds more like something a six year old would say, not a teenager.
I will also shamelessly direct you to a very useful thing. Don't think of it much of rules, as guidelines and advice.
Reply
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