coffee-laced, intoxicated on her lips
niall knows two things; there are the kind of people who make love, and there are the kind of people who take it and run. funnily, zayn is both.
i haven't written anything in a while so i thought i'd just finish this. it was inspired from the whole zerrie anniversary a few days ago, so yeah, the date's set a little back. um, warnings for swearing, smut, possible d/s, violence and bleeding. for megan because i'm always promising her fics and never actually writing them. i hope you like this babe ily alot yayayaya (zayn/niall, zayn/perrie)
--
it's april 16th, 9:21am.
he wakes up and it's barely five seconds of consciousness before he's wishing that he'd just kept on dreaming.
zayn is asleep beside him, barely wearing anything at all, black hair crumpled in so many different ways that niall's eyes take a moment longer than usual to look away.
and then he just lays back down and buries his face into the juncture between zayn's collarbones and throat, breathing in the scent of baby powder and faded body wash, curling his arms around zayn's waist and trying to hold onto the other half of himself as tight as he can.
"i love you," he murmurs in zayn's ear, hot air against cool skin, and doesn't say i love you more than she does.
it's april 16th, 9:41am.
niall falls asleep, and when he wakes up again, zayn is gone.
--
zayn used to look niall in the eye and say that there's nothing going on between him and perrie, and niall was angry because he hates when zayn lies to him, he hates it so much.
see-- niall tried not to fall in love, that's one thing you've got to understand. he tried not to fall in love because this kind of shit does happen and he knows it, but zayn is so easy to love, too easy, in fact, to just let him fill the space of niall's entire world.
and zayn falls in love the same way that niall tries so hard not to; pouring himself into an empty space and hoping someone, anyone, will drink him up. niall fell into the puddle and nearly drowned in the ocean, and now he's five hundred feet deep in, too far away from the shallows to fight the saltwater inside his lungs.
--
it's 12:26pm.
niall sends a text to zayn, with three words that he's grown too fond of saying; i love you.
zayn doesn't reply for an hour. niall doesn't sit around and wait (even though he wants to, so badly), he makes the bed and has a coffee and does the dishes. it's only when he's about to sit down and start watching eastenders again when the phone buzzes, and he picks it up.
i know.
that's it. just "i know". there's no "i love you too" or "i love you more" or even just a fucking "i love you". just "i know".
niall wishes he were more surprised, but he's expected this. with barely a second glance at zayn's reply, he throws the phone against the wall and turns back to the tv, even though he's not really watching anything anymore.
--
niall knows two things; there are the kind of people who make love, and there are the kind of people who take it and run.
funnily, zayn is both.
the first time this happens, niall folds himself like a paper crane into the softly sailing boat of zayn's body. he feels forest fires spreading through every capillary inside him, setting ablaze a firework show, while zayn's razor hipbones cut into the sides of niall's waist.
he doesn't think it's possible to ever forget this feeling, the way it is to have every bone inside his body individually pulled apart, zayn's fingers clutching at the skin of his chest and tearing it off, releasing the myriad of galaxies hidden behind niall's rib cage. it's the first time he's ever felt flowers blooming inside himself, the first time he feels like simultaneously giving everything he has, and then taking everything he gets. zayn is, put simply, the best thing to ever happen to niall and he doesn't know what love is but he thinks that this might be it.
it's like. zayn always wakes up late, and his breath is a mix of cigarettes and coffee, and he doodles when he's bored, and his pulse is always faster than niall's. he tries to be an artist even if he can't paint, and he takes pictures of flowers and spends too much time editing them on photoshop. he's a sunset and a tsunami tide at the same time, beautiful beautiful beautiful, because zayn is so beautiful that niall wants to hate him, and he wants to hate him almost as much as he loves him.
--
at 4:17pm, niall dials zayn.
"niall, now is really not the time to call me, i--"
"when will you be home?"
"i've got no clue, probably late tonight. you go ahead and order dinner, i'm eating outside. and don't wait for me to come home, it'll be a while."
"why?"
"niall," zayn sighs. "you know why."
niall's just about to reply when he hears a high giggle in zayn's background, followed by the tones of a female voice.
"coming, love," zayn calls back, "anyway, niall. i'll talk to you later, uh, i love you."
niall hangs up without replying.
after five minutes of trying to think about something else, he gives up and curls into a soft ball on the couch and pushes away images of zayn and perrie, probably out in broad daylight, flaunting their relationship, while niall stays home in the dark with the curtains drawn. he thinks of how zayn might be thinking of him too, thinks that maybe he's wishing he were here instead of there, thinks of all the things they could be doing instead of this right now.
he closes his eyes and tries to sleep but all he sees is zayn with her and he's trying not to feel alone because he's got other friends, yeah, but none of them are zayn and zayn has perrie but all niall has is him and--
fuck.
--
when zayn says i love you for the first time, niall is a wide-eyed seventeen year old, trusting and awed and breathless as he falls headfirst into the ocean waves that surround zayn.
zayn can't swim. neither can niall.
it's too easy, too soon, for them to drown inside each other.
--
niall remembers when zayn first went out with perrie, april 16th 2012, and came home a different person.
niall knew instantly that something had happened, from the way zayn's body was covered in her fingerprints, and no matter how hard he tried he could never really erase the evidence that another woman had touched him, touched his zayn.
zayn tried to make love that night but all niall could do was fuck him, fuck the hatred and jealousy and possessiveness out of himself, bruising zayn to the point of numbness, nearly ripping the muscles near the back of his thighs in the brute attempt of forcing perrie's memory out of him.
he never apologized for the pain, later on. zayn didn't, either.
--
it's 7:42pm.
niall calls harry over and they share the space on the couch, splitting a pizza and it's times like these when harry is a vessel and niall is a fountain and niall can't help but think that maybe if it wasn't zayn, it might have been harry, just maybe.
"it's their anniversary, though," harry points out. "give him a break. it's not the first time he's gone out with her."
niall swallows the pizza. "i know."
"so," harry shrugs. "you'll have him all to yourself tonight."
"i know."
harry nods. "you know, in the end, he always does come back to you. that means something, doesn't it?"
"yeah," niall sighs. "i guess it does, but."
"but?"
"but he comes home and he smells like her and i know he's still thinking of her and i don't know how it's possible to find it so difficult to love someone, and still do it just the same," niall shoves the final slice of pizza toward harry. "you know?"
"yeah," harry says gently. "yeah, niall, i know. s'alright, mate. don't worry too much."
niall leans forward and harry's arms catch him in a gentle hug, and niall wishes this were zayn instead, wishes he could feel stubble instead of smooth dimples cheeks, wishes for spiky black hair instead of delicate curls, wishes for something more that this.
--
niall tried not to fall in love. he really did.
but zayn is ultraviolet, made up of more magic than niall has ever seen in anyone else, and he has spellwork working on niall with every brush of skin, and it's--
it's like trying not to drown until you realize that the view from down under is so much better.
zayn is the ocean. niall is the tourist pulled toward the colors in his eyes, layer after layer of fascination under the foaming depths of zayn's body. he gasps for air and tries to swim away but zayn's dragging him back in, and niall gives up fighting and suffocates on each breath of saltwater in his lungs, but zayn carries him softly and gently and always keeps him warm.
niall doesn't think that this is how love is supposed to work. it's definitely not how he's ever thought about it. but he thinks that just maybe, he could learn to love this, at the same time he's loving zayn.
and he does.
--
it's 11:30pm, and niall wants to fall asleep but he can't because zayn isn't home and he isn't picking up the phone and that can only mean that he's sleeping with perrie and niall's afraid that he might not come home at all tonight.
he uses the laptop and keeps the phone nearby, waiting for any sort of message, or sign, or anything at all, really, from zayn saying that he hasn't forgotten niall, not yet.
he doesn't know why he's so worked up over one date. sure, it's their yearly anniversary, but it's not the first time they've gone out and it definitely won't be the last. it's just that usually zayn's home as soon as he can be, but today he's barely making an effort to communicate with niall at all and it's almost like this time he's chosen her over him.
it's so fucking unfair, because niall loved him first, niall was everything to him before she came in and now she's the one in his phone background and she's the one who gets to go out with him in public, and she's the one who gets to show him off, when niall was here first, niall deserves everything about zayn that she doesn't, he knows zayn better and he loves him more and he's not even allowed to fucking show it because he's a guy.
he hates being this way, hates whining about stupid things and acting like a child, but he can't help but feel like zayn should belong to anyone but him, and perrie is slowly taking him away and niall is too pathetic and in love to risk losing the most real thing he's ever known.
--
niall has never asked if zayn loves perrie more than him, because he's afraid of the answer, afraid that maybe once he figures this out, he might never even want to be with zayn again.
--
it's 2:11pm when niall hears the key turn in the lock, and zayn's footsteps shuffle down the hall.
niall is lying in bed, huddled under the blanket, while zayn enters the room. "niall? you awake?"
niall shuts his eyes and doesn't reply.
there's a shifting on the bed beside him, and a soft sigh being breathed into his ear. "i'm taking a shower, yeah. goodnight."
niall wants to say that he doesn't like the way zayn's lips press gently against his cheek, before pulling away and heading into the bathroom, but he does.
zayn doesn't lock the bathroom door.
"you fucking--" niall bolts up suddenly, his face going livid. he throws the covers off himself and strides to the door, throwing it open. "you absolute fucking piece of shit, you fucking son of a bitch, fucking sodden arse."
zayn takes his shirt off, tosses it aside calmly. "i thought you were asleep."
niall breathes out through his nose. his insides are writhing with uncomfortable anger. "don't tell me i can fucking sleep when you're out there with that bitch."
"she's my girlfriend," zayn states loosely.
niall steps toward him. "yeah? and what am i?"
"i don't know," zayn says coolly. "why don't you tell me, niall?"
niall charges forward at zayn, shoving him against the wall and head-butting him like a mad bull. he tries to hit zayn, but zayn fends the weak attack off easily.
"are you gonna show me, niall?" zayn is breathing heavily, but his eyes are bright. "wanna show me who i really belong to?"
"this- isnt- a- joke," niall slams zayn's head back against the hard green bathroom tiles with each word, forcing angry kisses one after the other onto his lips, until zayn is gasping for air and trying to push niall off.
niall's fingers scrabble at zayn's belt buckle, gnawing harshly into the skin of his neck, causing a low whine to issue from zayn's mouth. with feverish fingers he yanks down the jeans, fingernails raking down zayn's thighs and leaving raw red lines in their place.
"did you have sex with her?" niall's speaking furiously, words coming out faster than usual as he grabs zayn by the hair, holding fistfuls of it between his fingers and forcing him down.
"yes," zayn drops to his knees obediently. "i had sex with her, and i liked it. so what?"
there's something about seeing zayn naked on his knees in front of niall, half contemptuous and half cocky. niall's stomach tightens into a knot of arousal, dropping into the pits of his abdomen and rolling around like a ball, sending up shivers every time it hits the sides of his body.
"you didn't pick up the phone," niall accuses, tightening his hold on zayn's hair, pulling harder than he knows zayn can tolerate.
zayn growls in pain, trying to shake his head free, but niall yanks on it again, letting him know that he's the one in control right now.
zayn easily pulls niall's pajama pants down, palms the semi-hard bulge in his boxers. "we went to victoria's secret, chose a couple new sets of lingerie. i watched her put them on."
niall backs himself against the wall, pulling up on zayn's hair so that they're facing each other. niall wants zayn to stop talking, but he also wants him to keep going, his cocky voice is fueling the anger inside him, and he knows zayn likes it.
"she gave me a lap dance, nice and slow, grinding over me like--"
niall forces the tip of his swollen cock against zayn's lips, shutting him up. "did she suck you?" he asks heavily, his words slow and quiet.
zayn nods after a moment, parting his lips and giving way to easy entry for niall. his mouth is plush and hot, damp with lust as he starts bobbing his head near the bottom.
"show me," niall hisses. "show me how she did it."
zayn slowly flicks his tongue down the hardened skin, tickling and teasing, his wide golden eyes staring up at niall the whole time.
"show me!" niall yells, pulling zayn's hair like a dog on a collar, shoving his cock down zayn's throat brutally with each word. "show me how she fucked you!"
zayn gags on niall's length, tears springing into his eyes. he's still smirking, but he obediently accepts the full hardness into his mouth, fingertips catching onto niall's hipbones to steady his balance, his eyes widening as niall continues fucking his mouth.
"you can do better," niall gets out through gritted teeth, suddenly hypersensitive to every stroke of zayn's tongue. it's like all five senses have expanded, taking in more and more of him. "you can do better than she did."
zayn moves his mouth over the throbbing dick, pulsing with energy and arousal. he pulls his lips away after a few seconds and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, panting.
"there," he says. "are you satisfied?"
niall pulls him up from his knees, kisses him with every ounce of frustration and jealousy building up inside him all day, and both of them stumble back against the cold marble sink. his lips try to reach every inch of zayn's skin, trying to leave marks everywhere so that he knows who he really belongs to, so that he'll never ever forget.
"fuck, that hurts," zayn gets out after a moment, shifting so that his back is pressed into the sharp edges of the icy basin.
niall breaks away, chest heaving with some unidentifiable emotion, and he prints his fingers over zayn's chest, tries to ignore the fact that perrie's hands probably touched him in this exact same position.
"do you love her?" he asks quietly.
zayn bends himself over the sink, turning his head to look up at niall. "why does it matter?"
"it does matter, goddamnit!" niall screams, his hand involuntarily spanking down on zayn with every word. "it does matter because i love you and i don't even know how you feel about me!"
zayn bites his lower lip, staring up through heavy lashes. "fuck me," he whispers. "please."
niall forces zayn's head down, until his nose is pressed against the inner sink. he reaches for the bar of soap, spreading it over his fingers, and then drops it back down.
the first finger slides in, and zayn's muscles tense up.
"i sat here all day," niall growls, frigging the finger until it moves in and out of zayn smoothly. "waiting for a call, or a text, or anything."
zayn groans, lowers his head like a submissive puppy, while niall adds a second finger. his face goes white and he exhales slowly, breath fogging up the glass of the mirror.
"say you're sorry," niall says loudly, thrusting two fingers violently into zayn's puckered entrance. "say you're fucking sorry!"
zayn purses his lips, occasionally moaning into the cold marble, face still pressed against the sink.
"say you're sorry!" niall yells, shoving a third finger in so suddenly that zayn's eyes go dull for a few seconds. his punctures every syllable with a forceful thrust. "say-- you're-- sorry!"
"i'm sorry!" zayn gasps, grunting lowly, panting against the basin. his eyes are blurry and glazed as he stared up at niall. "fuck, i'm sorry!"
niall pulls his fingers out and harshly slaps them down onto zayn's skin. zayn whimpers, choking.
"more," he breathes. "fuck me, niall, i want more, more, more."
niall slams zayn's head down onto the cold sink, and a purple bruise blossoms at the skin along his cheek.
"fuck me," he begs. "niall, please."
niall positions his buzzing cock against zayn's entrance. his fingers curl painfully over zayn's shoulders, digging into the soft flesh.
"i loved you first," he says roughly. "i loved you before she did."
zayn keeps his face pressed against the sink, doesn't say anything.
"i loved you first!" niall shouts, tears breaking out onto his cheeks. "it was always me first, but you're running off to her now!"
zayn rotates his hips backward, pushing himself onto niall's dick.
"i love you," niall finishes the sentence with an aggressive shove, forcing his length into zayn without warning.
zayn lets out a high-pitched wine, his expression scattering as he tries to adjust his body to the fullness of niall inside him.
"you belong to me," niall fucks zayn like an animal, growling and biting at every patch of skin he can reach.
zayn groans, breathing out in pants, starting to tremble.
"say it," niall says furiously. "say that you belong to me!"
"i--" zayn takes a great heaving breath and niall shoves into him. his cheeks are burning with mottled heat. "i belong to you."
"say it again!" niall is desperate to hear zayn say this, over and over and over. "say you belong to me!"
"i fucking belong to you, niall, and nobody else!" zayn moans, like he's in pain, more pain that he put niall through.
"do you love her?" niall asks, keeping zayn's face pressed into the frosty sink. "more than me?"
zayn lets out a soft mumble, shutting his eyes against the cold splash of tears. "it hurts," he whimpers.
"do you love her?" niall repeats, louder this time, continuously rocking his hips into zayn's, fucking him harder than he ever remembers doing before. all the anger is shifting out of him, expensed through the vigorous thrusting, almost tearing zayn's muscles up. "do you love her?"
"no!" zayn yells, groaning against the marble, tears streaking down his cheeks. "no, niall, no, no, no! are you fucking happy?"
"say that you love me!" niall shouts at him, slamming zayn's head down again and again onto the sink, until a wide gash cuts open on his cheek, his body shoving into zayn's violently. "say it! say it! say you love me!"
"niall, i-" zayn pauses to grab the sides of the sink, blinking away the blood.
"SAY IT!" niall screams at him. "TELL ME THAT I MEAN SOMETHING TO YOU, TELL ME THAT YOU FUCKING LOVE ME!"
"i love you, i love you!" zayn's face is covered in a mess of blood, sweat and tears, and niall can barely make out the expression on his features. "i love you niall, just fucking stop!"
"say you love me," niall chokes, breaking down, his thrusts going harder into zayn. "tell me you love me, zayn, tell me, tell me, tell me."
"i love you," zayn whispers, his body shuddering as he comes with a loud sob. "i love you so fucking much."
niall forces the last three thrusts into zayn, and then he pulls himself out a moment before the orgasm, letting zayn stroke it out of him, almost as a form of repentance. he comes with a gasp, and then crumples on top of zayn, apologizing over and over for a mistake that he can't help.
--
it's april 17th, 3:37am.
"it's okay," zayn whispers, cradling niall on his chest like a baby. they're lying on the bed, and zayn isn't bleeding or crying anymore, but niall's still shaking and wracked with horror. "it's okay, niall, it's not your fault."
"i didn't mean to hurt you," niall mumbles into zayn's collarbones. he smells like fresh green apples, the new scented body wash they shared together. "i'm sorry, sorry, sorry."
"it's okay," zayn subconsciously touches the gauze on his cheek, where niall slammed him into the sink.
"i love you," niall breathes. "i love you and i'm so tired of never knowing what i mean to you, and- and you're always all over her and i'm scared you'll forget me, and i know it's stupid but--"
zayn cuts him off with a gentle kiss. he doesn't say anything when he pulls away, but niall doesn't need words to understand. zayn forgives him for this, just like he forgives zayn for perrie.
"i love you, niall," zayn says softly after a moment. "never doubt that again. ever."
--
it's april 17th, 3:40am.
niall wakes up beside zayn, and he knows that he can't change the fact that zayn is dating perrie, and that he won't be able to love zayn in public, for a long time at least.
but he buries his face into the soft warmth of zayn's chest and doesn't complain because this time, he thinks that this might be enough for now.
and it is.
--
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