not another touch
"you love her," niall spits out one night, when they're alone and it's past midnight and zayn smells like the disgusting expensive musk that perrie uses. "you love her more than you love me."
a fic that i've been wanting to write forever, i don't really know. (zayn/niall, zayn/perrie)
--
zayn smells like smoke and his unshaven cheek is rough on niall's skin and for the first time in a long time, niall remembers what it's like to be happy.
he's not a home-wrecker, he's not, but niall can't help the tug of guilt at how things turned out this way, and he wants to explode into a riot, but he can't.
"it was me first," he hisses at zayn.
"niall," zayn's voice trails off.
"not her," niall's words are pained. "it was me first, and don't you ever forget that."
"niall," zayn whispers as his fingers curl up inside the blond boy and pulls a trembling gasp out as he comes. "i could never forget."
--
niall doesn't like perrie, never really did.
it wasn't fair, that she could so easily wrap her arms around the boy that niall wanted to love, and claim him as her own in front of the whole world.
--
"and i thought, what a marvelous idea!" zayn laughs and the sound fills up the whole room, and it's so fucking beautiful, niall doesn't know why he's getting himself into this mess, he really should be stronger, he should have more self-control, but when he's with zayn it's like all the threads that are holding him together are torn loose and he's suddenly falling off the top of a cliff and his stomach squeezes tight but the thrill of it all is exhilarating.
"and so i guess, now we're official, now we're together for good," zayn continues. "she's the most beautiful thing that's ever happened to me."
niall's stomach twists into a knot, and he has to look away because he doesn't want to see the expression on zayn's face, he doesn't want to see the lovestruck eyes that are caught up with someone else.
the announcement of zayn's relationship with perrie goes viral, and soon everyone's talking about it, about the two beautiful celebrities who found each other and managed to love one another past the hectic schedules and it's all so very romantic and niall wants to throw himself out of the window.
sometimes he gets so upset that he doesn't even want to talk to zayn, refuses to acknowledge that they ever did anything. but zayn's got this stupid fucking way of twisting niall round his little finger.
"you love her," niall spits out one night, when they're alone and it's past midnight and zayn smells like the disgusting expensive musk that perrie uses. "you love her more than you love me."
"no, i don't," zayn whispers as pushes into niall and pulls out a dark wet sob.
"you're a liar," niall says softly, and he's shaking his head and trying to keep his voice steady because fuck it, he's going to have to find his dignity again. "nothing but a cheating liar."
zayn pushes in again and niall's breath catches as a tidal lump in his throat when he comes and there are stars burned into the back of his eyeballs and he's looking up at zayn and wondering why the fuck it's possible to love someone so much and still hate everything about them.
--
there should be a book written about things like this, to warn the world that it can happen. niall wants to burn the love stories into ashes, they're all full of pointless hopes that won't ever come true. love isn't always going to work out and niall wishes there were some way to fall out of it as easily as he fell in. there should be some sort of beforehand warning, a flashing sign that told him that he was going to get hurt, then maybe he wouldn't have fucking fell all the way in, so deep that he can't even find his way out.
it used to be easy, it used to be so simple back when they were both seventeen and daring enough to take each other's breath away. he remembers a time when he was so in love that it made him feel like a fucking girl, it would make his heart beat fast every time he looked at zayn and caught him smiling back. it would keep him up all night on the phone, and it would bring them both over the edge when they were alone on the bed.
now it's all just one big fucking complicated mess because every time niall looks at zayn it's like there are knives shoving into his gut and knocking the wind out of him. he's just not sure if it's a good or bad thing yet.
and the pictures are everywhere, every time niall's at home nursing a beer and watching the tv and a few new pictures of zayn and perrie are flashed on the news, it takes every morsel of strength in niall's body not to smash the bottle of beer right into the television screen.
it's like a spiderweb that zayn has spun around him and niall's so confused because he doesn't even know if he wants to stay or if he wants to go.
--
when niall was twelve, he went to the beach with his family and he sat there by the water with sand between his toes and the warmth of his brother beside him. the water came up to his feet and it was cold and refreshing and crystal clear and so beautiful, but it would always leave, always recline back into the ocean, back into the comfort of the vast sea. it was always there one second, and gone the next. it was so frustrating, to have something that was so nice, and know that it was going to have to go, and then watching it disappear.
--
zayn starts slipping away and even though niall saw it coming, he's got to be completely honest that he had hoped that it wouldn't be so quick, that he might be able to hold on.
it's so stupid, of course. he knew that this wasn't going to last, it's just that his heart is a clingy little thing and he starts believing that what he has with zayn is enough, that fucking him over the sofa so hard that zayn's fingers leave bruises on the side of niall's hips is enough, that falling asleep on the ripped sheets to the sound of zayn whispering you're fucking perfect is enough, that the heat of the kisses in the bathroom is just fucking enough to make zayn love niall the way that niall loves him.
and when it finally crashes down onto him that none of these things will ever actually be enough, it's like there's a twisting snake inside him that sinks its fangs into the brittle edges of his heart and sort of just lets the rest of it crumble into a fissure of pain.
and the worst part is that niall can't even bring himself to regret loving zayn because it's so fucking easy to fall in love with him, so easy to find comfort and warmth and so easy to let zayn fill the void of his whole entire world.
because without zayn, niall thinks that he just might die.
--
zayn stumbles into the bedroom and it's almost three in the morning and there's alcohol in his breath as he chokes out a wet sob.
"i need you."
niall doesn't move as zayn sinks into bed with him, kissing frantically across his neck and his face and mumbling "i love you so fucking much" over and over while he rips the fabric of niall's shirt with the strength of his grip.
niall's skin reacts to every touch like he's been doing this his whole life and he starts panting and zayn's breath is heavy in his ear and the kisses are damp with tears and soaked in lust that fills the air of the room like a heat wave. their mouths clash together and zayn's hands stroke over niall so hard and it's so fucking good that niall's head is spinning and he feels drunk over zayn and the two of them end up lost in a senseless mess of body heat and touch.
that night when zayn's phone vibrates with i'm sorry texts from perrie, he doesn't bother to reply.
--
zayn plans a huge dinner after a few weeks, he invites all of them and niall doesn't want to go because perrie will be there but zayn begs him and sometimes niall really hates how weakly he succumbs to zayn's pleas.
--
it's been getting worse. zayn spends more time with perrie than he does with anyone else, and niall's in such a fucking bitchy mood all the time, he's so irritated that perrie's allowed to love zayn just because she's a fucking girl.
it becomes a habit to go drinking every night, and niall doesn't care about how much shit he's putting in his body because it's all a riot anyway and it's just not worth it.
they fight alot, zayn and perrie. she's been noticing how he goes out late at night and comes back with his clothes in a mess and she thinks that he's off to sleep with some cheap dirty slut.
and maybe niall's not a cheap dirty slut but he's definitely a fucking idiot because he still can't bring himself to get over zayn.
--
he ends up going for the dinner anyway.
--
it's torture, basically. niall sits on one side of zayn, and perrie sits on the other. she's all over him, and he laughs and niall's stomach is flipping over because zayn's hand finds his thigh under the table.
niall uses a fork to cut the grilled fish on his plate, but his fingers are shaking and the metal rattles against the ceramic so he puts it down.
"so, baby," perrie smiles so widely, and niall can smell the musk that she sometimes rubs off on zayn. "tell them why we're here."
zayn clears his throat. he looks around at the table, and coughs slightly so that everyone stops eating and looks up to give him their attention. his hand curls tightly over niall's thigh and his fingernails are digging into the fabric.
"i, um, have an announcement to make," zayn says.
perrie lets out a little excited giggle.
"as you all know, i've been with this beautiful girl for over two years," zayn's hand tightens over niall's leg.
niall feels a lump rise in his throat.
"and i'm the luckiest man alive right now, to be able to call perrie edwards my girlfriend," zayn says. "she's amazing and beautiful and just about everything that i've ever wanted. you all know that."
niall forces his shaking hand to reach for the fork, and he viciously stabs it into the grilled fish.
"well, tonight," zayn says. "i would like to claim perrie as my wife."
niall's breath stops in his throat.
he's actually the first to react, and it's a loud gasp that reverberates across the entire restaurant so much that everyone turns to stare at him.
zayn's hand lifts off his thigh.
"are you fucking kidding me," niall says, softly before his voice flares up loud enough so the whole table can hear. "are you fucking kidding me!"
perrie shifts uncomfortably.
zayn turns to niall. "niall-"
"you fucking lying piece of shit, you absolute fucking prick," niall yells, hurling the plate of food to the floor and watching it crash loudly. "i hate you! i fucking hate you!"
zayn's hands grab niall and he's trying to calm him down but niall is not fucking having any of this, he refuses to fucking go through with it, he's so fucking pissed and taken off guard, he keeps smashing plates to the ground and everyone is staring at the animal that he's turning into.
at one point the anger turns into crippling pain, and the tears come out faster than he can stop them. he can't believe it, he's ruining the whole atmosphere and zayn's obviously very disappointed and all these people here and what would perrie even be thinking, but he doesn't fucking care.
there's a sort of pain that takes over everything that you do and it's so significant that you can feel it passing through your veins and pounding in your muscles and vibrating between the tissues of your skin, filling up every nerve with white-hot rage and soaking into the pores of your entire existence.
that's the kind of pain that takes over niall and he's shaking all over as he finally sinks back onto the seat. perrie's almost in tears, and zayn's so angry, but niall doesn't care. he just keeps sobbing and his breath is coming out in short rapid gasps and he can't even think straight. this can't be happening. no, no, no, just fucking no, no.
everyone just sits there in shocked silence, not daring to breathe.
perrie reaches for zayn, but he pulls away from her.
"niall," he says quietly. "look at
me."
niall doesn't want to fucking look, but he has to, he does it anyway because he's such a mess. he turns to look at zayn's face which is blurred by the tears in niall's eyes.
"stop crying," zayn says softly, using his thumb to wipe across the wetness on niall's face. "just take deep breaths."
niall obeys him, in and out, in and out, in and out. it takes a moment, but he finally manages to catch his breath and he keeps staring at zayn so hard that the rest of the restaurant melts away.
"keep breathing," zayn whispers so quietly, so that his voice is just a brush of air against the ringing in niall's ears.
in and out. in and out. in and out.
on the third exhale, zayn leans in to kiss him softly.
niall hears the shocked gasps from everyone at the table, and the stunned new silence. he hears perrie's squeal of horror. and he knows that he should pull away, he knows that he should get up and walk away and let the happy couple be, he should just leave and not cause any more damage than he already has.
but he doesn't. he just reaches one hand over the back of zayn's neck and pulls him in close and kisses him back, even harder.
--