Thinged
Things. Thoughts. Twirling about my mind; an effervescent flow popping with new sight. I don't know what I feel, or if I feel anymore. Numb?
Numb.
I could be numb. I feel no ignominy, though I should. I have neglected everything I ever was and aspired to be. That should bother me. I can no longer discern between myself and who I want to be. I could be numb. I don't cry for myself anymore. But, as obtuse as it may be, I cry for others. I embrace their emotion as if it were my own...and it usually hurts.
So, I'm numb to my personal vendetta, but, in turn, osmose the pain (and occasionally joy) of others. Has this brought me to such a state in which I've forgotten my humanity? I have always known I was an empath, but this avoirdupois, this extra emotional weight consuming me is costing me my soul. Here I am again though, blaming others.
A pendulum.
Every day is the same. I've become comfortable in the routine. I never go out anymore, I rarely answer my phone and never call anyone. I'm not crestfallen by any means, I would use the phrase "content with discontent."
In the last few days, my eyes have started to open. Everything has been brighter, and for no reason at all. Things are still just as they were every day for the last week. Lord knows.
I meditated last night for hours. I fell asleep without coming out and was nearly late for work. Ugh, but, I did my damndest to help a friend. For you nay-sayers, bite my ass. I know what I know, and what I know is right. Mr. T knows too, and he pities the fool that questions the shite.
Today was slow. Guy that usually leaves at 4 left at 2. I thought it was 4 at 2. You can imagine my disdain when I saw a clock. I drove two crazy people to the dealership today. I usually spark up conversations, but these two strangers did it for me.
toothless-old-jolly-fat-man: sex isn't a problem for me. i have to take so many pills i dont even have to worry about it. make sure you're not sick when you get old.. you won't get laid. you won't want to get laid.
weird lady from the hospital: men my age don't want a woman my age. i was born fat and ugly and will always be fat and ugly. men want barbie dolls. these barbies won't take care of them when they're sick or be there for them, they are like shoulder bling.
tojfm: i like how you say barbies! i'm nine years older than my wife and she takes care of me. are you one of those crazy swedes? you aren't talking.
me: uhm. i've gathered you don't like barbies and can't have sex. i'd imagine that's the way ken feels after all these years. I also must say you are the two craziest people I've been in this van with.
laughter
otherwise the day was slow. i am eagerly awaiting my promotion, it will be sweet. I am in the process of house hunting soon, i need somewhere to live that isn't here so i'll stop being such a fucker. not sure if i'll need a roommate or not yet, we have to see which way the piss flies.
I want to stop writing now.
Numb.
I could be numb. I feel no ignominy, though I should. I have neglected everything I ever was and aspired to be. That should bother me. I can no longer discern between myself and who I want to be. I could be numb. I don't cry for myself anymore. But, as obtuse as it may be, I cry for others. I embrace their emotion as if it were my own...and it usually hurts.
So, I'm numb to my personal vendetta, but, in turn, osmose the pain (and occasionally joy) of others. Has this brought me to such a state in which I've forgotten my humanity? I have always known I was an empath, but this avoirdupois, this extra emotional weight consuming me is costing me my soul. Here I am again though, blaming others.
A pendulum.
Every day is the same. I've become comfortable in the routine. I never go out anymore, I rarely answer my phone and never call anyone. I'm not crestfallen by any means, I would use the phrase "content with discontent."
In the last few days, my eyes have started to open. Everything has been brighter, and for no reason at all. Things are still just as they were every day for the last week. Lord knows.
I meditated last night for hours. I fell asleep without coming out and was nearly late for work. Ugh, but, I did my damndest to help a friend. For you nay-sayers, bite my ass. I know what I know, and what I know is right. Mr. T knows too, and he pities the fool that questions the shite.
Today was slow. Guy that usually leaves at 4 left at 2. I thought it was 4 at 2. You can imagine my disdain when I saw a clock. I drove two crazy people to the dealership today. I usually spark up conversations, but these two strangers did it for me.
toothless-old-jolly-fat-man: sex isn't a problem for me. i have to take so many pills i dont even have to worry about it. make sure you're not sick when you get old.. you won't get laid. you won't want to get laid.
weird lady from the hospital: men my age don't want a woman my age. i was born fat and ugly and will always be fat and ugly. men want barbie dolls. these barbies won't take care of them when they're sick or be there for them, they are like shoulder bling.
tojfm: i like how you say barbies! i'm nine years older than my wife and she takes care of me. are you one of those crazy swedes? you aren't talking.
me: uhm. i've gathered you don't like barbies and can't have sex. i'd imagine that's the way ken feels after all these years. I also must say you are the two craziest people I've been in this van with.
laughter
otherwise the day was slow. i am eagerly awaiting my promotion, it will be sweet. I am in the process of house hunting soon, i need somewhere to live that isn't here so i'll stop being such a fucker. not sure if i'll need a roommate or not yet, we have to see which way the piss flies.
I want to stop writing now.