the still point in the turning world
well despite my sadfest that was yesterday which included lots of internet pr0n, crappy tv from my childhood, chainsmoking, and 2 very depressing movies i'm actually in decent spirits.
i was just thinking about how my dad taught me how to play chess and part of me wishes i had had any energy or desire to go to christmas this year. Only so i could see my dad and play chess or maybe cribbage with my uncle. And play games with my sisters. That's what i really love about christmas, not fucking presents or even the food (blasphemy, i know) but just spending time with my family and doing fun things. I guess i only want to be there when im not obligated to be there; so even though i wanted desperately to come back home to ny this summer I really had a great time being back in NH. It was the longest amount of time i've spent there since i moved away to maine in 2006. I've probably let alot of my family down by not coming today, but i just spent a whirlwind month with brent and 3 strangers bee-bopping from place to place meeting tons of new people and promoting music i'm proud of. I think it's only a little natural to want to be alone for a little bit after being confined in a van for an hour or up to 12 hours a day with very awesome, but very strange people.
I came home to brooklyn and saw gilly and dorian and amanda and kellylyn. It was kind of nice at least to be around people i love since Ahmad went to atlantic city last night and was not back when i woke up. I still should have gone to see my family, but i have been sick and have had no energy to even leave the apartment till today, which i only did because i was upset and wanted to see gilly.
Being back is strange, everything feels overwhelming and my state of mind is not the best at the moment, but it will pass. I start work again tomorrow and cant wait to go back.
Brent invited me over today, but i was in such sorry spirits that i didn't want to go, especially because in this heightened state of sensitivity i don't want to overburden him with me, since we just spent a month together and he has done so much for me. He is truly my best friend and I am very thankful this christmas day to be able to know him and call him my friend. :)
Ahmad and I are doing great. We basically bunkered down in his apartment since i got back and though he's left a few times he's been right there with me helping me to adjust to being back and getting back to my normal routine. I really do love him, he's such a great person and he cares about me more than anyone has. He's a very selfless person and i am lucky to have him by my side. As much as i dont want to let him in to my nervous wreck he's very supportive and i can tell him anything. I love him :)
This year is starting off on a great foot and i guess it's taken me a few sad days to really figure it out. I hope everyone that is not having the best christmas this year can find a brighter perspective to view it from and do something about it. I'm going to do my best this year to help people who have helped me and strangers, because i know how hard it is to move here and be all alone and it's always easier and more comfortable to have a little help now and again. Goodbye lazy selfish Cat.
also: I wish that tony had never called me "the still point in the turning world" because i heard it when i was watching virgin suicides and it struck me so deeply that i wish i could use that phrase to describe the person i love that keeps me grounded, but cannot in good faith because the term has been given to me by someone else in my past. oh well! something else will come along.
Merry Christmas everyone.
i was just thinking about how my dad taught me how to play chess and part of me wishes i had had any energy or desire to go to christmas this year. Only so i could see my dad and play chess or maybe cribbage with my uncle. And play games with my sisters. That's what i really love about christmas, not fucking presents or even the food (blasphemy, i know) but just spending time with my family and doing fun things. I guess i only want to be there when im not obligated to be there; so even though i wanted desperately to come back home to ny this summer I really had a great time being back in NH. It was the longest amount of time i've spent there since i moved away to maine in 2006. I've probably let alot of my family down by not coming today, but i just spent a whirlwind month with brent and 3 strangers bee-bopping from place to place meeting tons of new people and promoting music i'm proud of. I think it's only a little natural to want to be alone for a little bit after being confined in a van for an hour or up to 12 hours a day with very awesome, but very strange people.
I came home to brooklyn and saw gilly and dorian and amanda and kellylyn. It was kind of nice at least to be around people i love since Ahmad went to atlantic city last night and was not back when i woke up. I still should have gone to see my family, but i have been sick and have had no energy to even leave the apartment till today, which i only did because i was upset and wanted to see gilly.
Being back is strange, everything feels overwhelming and my state of mind is not the best at the moment, but it will pass. I start work again tomorrow and cant wait to go back.
Brent invited me over today, but i was in such sorry spirits that i didn't want to go, especially because in this heightened state of sensitivity i don't want to overburden him with me, since we just spent a month together and he has done so much for me. He is truly my best friend and I am very thankful this christmas day to be able to know him and call him my friend. :)
Ahmad and I are doing great. We basically bunkered down in his apartment since i got back and though he's left a few times he's been right there with me helping me to adjust to being back and getting back to my normal routine. I really do love him, he's such a great person and he cares about me more than anyone has. He's a very selfless person and i am lucky to have him by my side. As much as i dont want to let him in to my nervous wreck he's very supportive and i can tell him anything. I love him :)
This year is starting off on a great foot and i guess it's taken me a few sad days to really figure it out. I hope everyone that is not having the best christmas this year can find a brighter perspective to view it from and do something about it. I'm going to do my best this year to help people who have helped me and strangers, because i know how hard it is to move here and be all alone and it's always easier and more comfortable to have a little help now and again. Goodbye lazy selfish Cat.
also: I wish that tony had never called me "the still point in the turning world" because i heard it when i was watching virgin suicides and it struck me so deeply that i wish i could use that phrase to describe the person i love that keeps me grounded, but cannot in good faith because the term has been given to me by someone else in my past. oh well! something else will come along.
Merry Christmas everyone.