on life

[fetal_tyranny]

"...You have emotions that seem to tear you apart.
I urge you in those times of such stress,
ask yourselves who it is that is experiencing this.
And the 'who' that is aware of the experiencing,
not lost in it, but aware of it,
WILL be the bearer of the light."

- emmanuel's book

not much light as of yet....but there is a shadow, and in order for a shadow to be cast behind me... ......there must be light ahead.

although today i had an hour long phone conversation with a friend of mine from colorado
and she helped me be more ok with everything that is going on in my life right now. its really
fucking comforting to have somebody understand u. she is the same in many ways as i am. that comfort
is invaluable.

i wish to share my love with the world...yet at this point i am incapable

i must repair my damage and rebalance myself...
for i have built a counter weight

and now that there is nothing weighing me down on the opposite side...
that counter weight is unnecessary
and furthermore it is a burden to carry

just like the occipital bun of a neandertal lol (thanks intro to biological anthropology)

so now that i have the burden of the counter weight slowly lifting...my muscles are recooperating
and i am able to stand a little taller

soon enough i will get used to the absence of the extra counter balance and the original reason for its necessity

then my life will be back on track

till then i remain hopeful for a sign as to which direction to proceed