The Odds are Against Me
The time is near. I can feel it in my bones that I'm due for another catastrophe. Roughly once per quarter I'm beset by some great trial. It's been about three months since my van got stolen. Roughly three months prior to that my old band's singer had a drug induced meltdown and broke into my house, nullifying a great rock and roll group and my bathroom window. If we turn the calendar back another three pages we find a time when Bill was looking desperately to find a job.
I have a feeling that this one will be especially bad, however. As I sit comfortably amidst the sacred soils of my homeland for a belated Christmas with my family, I know that Sunday will spell not just the end of holiday fun, but also some sort of biblical scourge upon my return to Jacksonville. Consider: the problem is made much worse whenever I get on an airplane. Both the break in and the van theft occurred within one week of returning from a trip. Apparently I must repay whatever out-of-town fun I have threefold.
It gets worse. Guitar-related transactions have sinister repercussions, as well. I bought a new guitar in July on eBay. Before it got to my house, the break-in occurred. A couple years ago I bought a new guitar, after which my band's drummer quit (I assured my guitar that it shouldn't take it personally). A few days ago I put my stratocaster online in order to subsidize another foolish guitar purchase. Stupid stupid stupid! I knew I'd be getting on an airplane! I knew that the time for quarterly chaos was nigh! I have subconsciously surrendered to the inevitable, and thusly helped the cosmos along in its attempts to destroy me. The stars are aligning just so to spell my doom.
But I am ready this time. I will not curse fate. I will not cry. I will not punch holes in the walls. I will, however, take wagers on the nature of this calamity. After careful consideration, I have compiled the odds for the most likely hardships to occur.
Bill "The Greek" Ferris' odds of affliction:
Van engine goes out - 5:2
Another break in - 7:1
Cat urine fries guitar amp - 8:1
Drive-by - 10:1
House burns down - 12:1
The Black Plague - 18:1
Roommate suicide - 25:1
My plane crashes - 50:1
A plane crashes onto my house - 75:1
I've inherited a large fortune, but to claim it I must spend the night in a haunted house - 100:1
Bets will be taken until the disaster occurs. Winners will get half of the prize money for their wager, with the other half going to me to replace/repair the damage done. All bets are final. No tampering, please; i.e., no showing up at my house with a maniacal grin and a lighter after putting a grand on the place burning to the ground--I'm talking to you, Chris.
I have a feeling that this one will be especially bad, however. As I sit comfortably amidst the sacred soils of my homeland for a belated Christmas with my family, I know that Sunday will spell not just the end of holiday fun, but also some sort of biblical scourge upon my return to Jacksonville. Consider: the problem is made much worse whenever I get on an airplane. Both the break in and the van theft occurred within one week of returning from a trip. Apparently I must repay whatever out-of-town fun I have threefold.
It gets worse. Guitar-related transactions have sinister repercussions, as well. I bought a new guitar in July on eBay. Before it got to my house, the break-in occurred. A couple years ago I bought a new guitar, after which my band's drummer quit (I assured my guitar that it shouldn't take it personally). A few days ago I put my stratocaster online in order to subsidize another foolish guitar purchase. Stupid stupid stupid! I knew I'd be getting on an airplane! I knew that the time for quarterly chaos was nigh! I have subconsciously surrendered to the inevitable, and thusly helped the cosmos along in its attempts to destroy me. The stars are aligning just so to spell my doom.
But I am ready this time. I will not curse fate. I will not cry. I will not punch holes in the walls. I will, however, take wagers on the nature of this calamity. After careful consideration, I have compiled the odds for the most likely hardships to occur.
Bill "The Greek" Ferris' odds of affliction:
Van engine goes out - 5:2
Another break in - 7:1
Cat urine fries guitar amp - 8:1
Drive-by - 10:1
House burns down - 12:1
The Black Plague - 18:1
Roommate suicide - 25:1
My plane crashes - 50:1
A plane crashes onto my house - 75:1
I've inherited a large fortune, but to claim it I must spend the night in a haunted house - 100:1
Bets will be taken until the disaster occurs. Winners will get half of the prize money for their wager, with the other half going to me to replace/repair the damage done. All bets are final. No tampering, please; i.e., no showing up at my house with a maniacal grin and a lighter after putting a grand on the place burning to the ground--I'm talking to you, Chris.