humdrum minutae and a few WTFs
Many events and realizations have occurred recently which have shaken me and truly made me think about myself, which is an activity I have neglected for months. I have no idea what any of this will sound like to anyone because this is the first time I am writing in depth about some of these subjects, period. I'll just discuss a few of the things that have recently bubbled up from my deep subconscious upwellings.
1) I have no more trepidation when in the presence of Tamara's parents. This generalizes to: almost all adults* I know, with the exception of my two immediate bosses at work. I am fairly comfortable in "adult" presences now. I have always been awkward, ill at ease, and had outright paranoid relationships with authority. But now, I have joined them. It's been over a year in the workplace, and it was gradual, but it's real now. And it is really throwing me for a loop.
My relationship with the world is completely changed, and only in retrospect do I see the difference. Hairdressers, cashiers, waitresses, salespeople, my parents, my family, my co-workers, strangers. Stance of power, stance of confidence. The voice of Experience, small but growing. I suppose one major difference is I finally have money. MONEY. Whereas before I had none. NONE. Ah, to be an American consumer. It is staggering.
2a) Oh yes, money. I had a lean childhood, nothing bad, really, but it made me hungry for what I did not have. So I set my initial goals: technology, a computer and the beautiful shimmering internet. Quality food, food that doesn't run out. Toys and adventures. A personal library of literature, references, and media, so I don't have to rely entirely on friends, secondhand internet, and the public library. Freedom from arbitrary cultural and familial constraints. Freedom to make my own life. Freedom to not scrape for cents and dollars, freedom from bare scarcity. And travel, well, it was very difficult to even determine what was practical or possible. I wasn't even sure if I'd ever leave El Paso, though I knew of an entire
world out there, IN THEORY. ON PAPER. (Then there was love...everyone wants love (insert Moulin Rouge script here))
2b) "Be careful what you wish for." My childhood dreams were hazy and limited, but here they are, many fulfilled. Oh my god, it feels like I am blinded. It is TIME TO RE-EVALUATE MY POSITION ON LIFE. Here I am in this San Diego paradise, and I am thunderstruck. I have the technology I so craved. It wasn't a lot to begin with, really. Do I have a limited imagination because I still do not require a cell phone and car to function? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? Food, delicious food. Eating at McDonald's used to be the epitome of luxury and quality. Now I can eat out at will, in nice restaurants, though I deliberately moderate this impulse to choose the cost-effective, healthy, and sensible alternative of cooking my own food. Since when have I been anywhere near "sensible"? Shit. Paying bills, paying significant taxes, minimizing debt, maximizing my credit score, sharing expenses with Tamara, looking at retirement, looking at investing, HELPING MY FAMILY FINANCIALLY. I've turned the tables, and I've been so busy I haven't realized it. At least I haven't run out of adventures!! I guess that is the direction I have to aim my next Goals. As well as towards this fresh, rosy-cheeked, vulnerable infant I call a "career".
Goddammit, I've only been 22 for a few months and already I'm feeling Old. Everyone older than me on the list, please feel free to laugh in my face and mock me. I am so confused.
Oh my. I've just realized that what I know the least about right now is people that are roughly my own age. I really need to read LiveJournal more often. Who are you people?! I know, I know, you're already telling me, every day, every week. All I have to do is wake up and pay attention.
* "Adults"?! What do I mean by that? "People senior to me, nominally at least 5 years older than me, but more often closer to at least twice my age."
1) I have no more trepidation when in the presence of Tamara's parents. This generalizes to: almost all adults* I know, with the exception of my two immediate bosses at work. I am fairly comfortable in "adult" presences now. I have always been awkward, ill at ease, and had outright paranoid relationships with authority. But now, I have joined them. It's been over a year in the workplace, and it was gradual, but it's real now. And it is really throwing me for a loop.
My relationship with the world is completely changed, and only in retrospect do I see the difference. Hairdressers, cashiers, waitresses, salespeople, my parents, my family, my co-workers, strangers. Stance of power, stance of confidence. The voice of Experience, small but growing. I suppose one major difference is I finally have money. MONEY. Whereas before I had none. NONE. Ah, to be an American consumer. It is staggering.
2a) Oh yes, money. I had a lean childhood, nothing bad, really, but it made me hungry for what I did not have. So I set my initial goals: technology, a computer and the beautiful shimmering internet. Quality food, food that doesn't run out. Toys and adventures. A personal library of literature, references, and media, so I don't have to rely entirely on friends, secondhand internet, and the public library. Freedom from arbitrary cultural and familial constraints. Freedom to make my own life. Freedom to not scrape for cents and dollars, freedom from bare scarcity. And travel, well, it was very difficult to even determine what was practical or possible. I wasn't even sure if I'd ever leave El Paso, though I knew of an entire
world out there, IN THEORY. ON PAPER. (Then there was love...everyone wants love (insert Moulin Rouge script here))
2b) "Be careful what you wish for." My childhood dreams were hazy and limited, but here they are, many fulfilled. Oh my god, it feels like I am blinded. It is TIME TO RE-EVALUATE MY POSITION ON LIFE. Here I am in this San Diego paradise, and I am thunderstruck. I have the technology I so craved. It wasn't a lot to begin with, really. Do I have a limited imagination because I still do not require a cell phone and car to function? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? Food, delicious food. Eating at McDonald's used to be the epitome of luxury and quality. Now I can eat out at will, in nice restaurants, though I deliberately moderate this impulse to choose the cost-effective, healthy, and sensible alternative of cooking my own food. Since when have I been anywhere near "sensible"? Shit. Paying bills, paying significant taxes, minimizing debt, maximizing my credit score, sharing expenses with Tamara, looking at retirement, looking at investing, HELPING MY FAMILY FINANCIALLY. I've turned the tables, and I've been so busy I haven't realized it. At least I haven't run out of adventures!! I guess that is the direction I have to aim my next Goals. As well as towards this fresh, rosy-cheeked, vulnerable infant I call a "career".
Goddammit, I've only been 22 for a few months and already I'm feeling Old. Everyone older than me on the list, please feel free to laugh in my face and mock me. I am so confused.
Oh my. I've just realized that what I know the least about right now is people that are roughly my own age. I really need to read LiveJournal more often. Who are you people?! I know, I know, you're already telling me, every day, every week. All I have to do is wake up and pay attention.
* "Adults"?! What do I mean by that? "People senior to me, nominally at least 5 years older than me, but more often closer to at least twice my age."