Ambivalence
So, I finally learned how to do an lj-cut, so here goes...
Earlier this week, I had a long talk with a dear friend, and she told me how she's working on some of her personal issues. Two issues we have in common are the tendency to talk ourselves down, and low self-esteem from emotionally abusive/neglectful parents. She told me that everyday, she tries to write down three good things that she did or that have happened to her. She recommended that I do the same so that I don't fall ever-further into self-castigation. We also decided to "parent" ourselves by writing about the things we like about ourselves or about things that are accomplishments or milestones in our lives.
Definitely, my mom has always been very negative towards and about me. She'll occasionally state how I'll be the first in our family to obtain a PhD, then next go on about how useless my degree is. The negative always, ALWAYS exceeds the positive things that she'll say.
Today, I got a notice from a place I interviewed at for a part-time job teaching ESL classes to adults. I thought I did well during the interview, but I did lack some formal work experience with ESL teaching. I explained that I've worked with ESL students informally in one-on-one tutoring, and with ESL students in my writing and composition classes. We even had an impromptu teaching session, and I think I did well with that. Yet, they notified me today that they offered the position to someone else. I know intellectually that it might the lack of work experience and not a reflection on myself or my qualifications (isn't the PhD good for anything?!?!?!), but it's been a bit of struggle not to become depressed. I do feel a bit sad. The company looked good; very professional, very organized. A good place to work. I was tentatively enthused about it. Now...
Well, I wrote the three good things for today in a leather journal that I bought years ago -- ostensibly to transcribe poetry that I liked, but that I only used a couple of times for that purpose. Now, it's on my nightstand, reminding me to stay positive everyday instead of brooding on perceived failures and getting more gloomy.
Earlier this week, I had a long talk with a dear friend, and she told me how she's working on some of her personal issues. Two issues we have in common are the tendency to talk ourselves down, and low self-esteem from emotionally abusive/neglectful parents. She told me that everyday, she tries to write down three good things that she did or that have happened to her. She recommended that I do the same so that I don't fall ever-further into self-castigation. We also decided to "parent" ourselves by writing about the things we like about ourselves or about things that are accomplishments or milestones in our lives.
Definitely, my mom has always been very negative towards and about me. She'll occasionally state how I'll be the first in our family to obtain a PhD, then next go on about how useless my degree is. The negative always, ALWAYS exceeds the positive things that she'll say.
Today, I got a notice from a place I interviewed at for a part-time job teaching ESL classes to adults. I thought I did well during the interview, but I did lack some formal work experience with ESL teaching. I explained that I've worked with ESL students informally in one-on-one tutoring, and with ESL students in my writing and composition classes. We even had an impromptu teaching session, and I think I did well with that. Yet, they notified me today that they offered the position to someone else. I know intellectually that it might the lack of work experience and not a reflection on myself or my qualifications (isn't the PhD good for anything?!?!?!), but it's been a bit of struggle not to become depressed. I do feel a bit sad. The company looked good; very professional, very organized. A good place to work. I was tentatively enthused about it. Now...
Well, I wrote the three good things for today in a leather journal that I bought years ago -- ostensibly to transcribe poetry that I liked, but that I only used a couple of times for that purpose. Now, it's on my nightstand, reminding me to stay positive everyday instead of brooding on perceived failures and getting more gloomy.