*Sings* I'm sooo tired, but I can't sleep....
Cannot sleep. *sigh*. Oh well, might as well spend my time doing something somewhat productive; writing is always better than vegging in front of the tv watching reruns of "Gene Simmons Family Jewels".
Know what?! My shrink is really starting to piss me off, and there's nothing I can do about it. I do not like how she treats me, I feel things she wants to discuss are irrelevant, and I feel that when I try to tell her about problems I am having that she brushes them off without further discussion or digging deeper into the situation at hand. Living in Nova Scotia with the shitty mental health care REALLY is not in my favor, for I cannot request another psychiatrist; I am to feel "thankful" that I even have one, for there are many on the waiting list.
The latest in the "I hate my shrink" saga occured the other day. We were talking about moving me out , something she ALWAYS pushes for. I told her I talked to my social worker, and if I moved out with Joel, we both would have to go through my disability, and after adding up the figures, there's no way I could live AND pay my credit card debts. WELL, she kept asking me, "Are you sure, are you SURE" and after repeatedly saying "yes" she went on to express her opinion about my relationship. In her la-de-dah mind, if there isn't the goal of moving out fresh in my mind, how is the relationship going to progress, or last!? Well, that just pissed me off, to put it lightly.
Let me get this out in the open. I have a mental illness that cripples me from interacting and functioning in society. I work my fucking ass off weekly to try and work through it, by walking the malls by myself for certain amounts of time, walking to certain destinations that make me uncomfortable, and going places while having panic attacks and not leaving. Basically what sounds so easy and normal to you readers is unbearably hard, call me a coward, but it's just something I cannot kick. I am sick of people thinking that I'm lazy, that I'm not working hard enough, that I have no goals in life, that I ENJOY this hellhole of an existance that some would call life. Well, I don't. Do you think you'd like to live life torturing yourself to do simple things, to not be able to go out with friends, and ultimately feel like you are letting your best friend down because you can't be there for her?!
There is a point coming, I promise. To go back to what my shrink said, that really hurt. I go through stages where I wonder why Joel is with someone who feels she doesn't even exist, that she doesn't mean anything to anyone. I've had to have conversations with my own lover asking him why he is with me, why he would love someone "like me". When there was a possibility I could have moved with him until my social worker shot me down, I was ecstatic. I felt one door open up for me, and it was quickly slammed shut. So then I ask myself, "Does Joel want to wait for me, however long I am going to have to live at home?!" Is he going to put up with being the "boyfriend next door" for as long as it takes. He told me he will wait as long as it takes, and will support me in every and any way possible. But let me tell you, Dr. Black's words ring in my ears, constantly making me bring up the same topics with Joel all the time. Then, I get even more paranoid, wondering if asking him the same questions all the time will ruin us, that he'll just get sick of my insecurities, then, I go even farther; wondering if by doing this I'm not giving him enough credit.
In a nutshell, that's how I feel. I don't know what you the reader actually know about me, and what you think of me now, but that's how I feel. I'm hurting, and I don't know what to do. How am I going to get better when I feel I am worth as much as a piece of shit on the sidewalk?! How can I love Joel so fucking much but hate myself, the life I am trapped in?! Too many fucking questions, not enough fucking answers.
Know what?! My shrink is really starting to piss me off, and there's nothing I can do about it. I do not like how she treats me, I feel things she wants to discuss are irrelevant, and I feel that when I try to tell her about problems I am having that she brushes them off without further discussion or digging deeper into the situation at hand. Living in Nova Scotia with the shitty mental health care REALLY is not in my favor, for I cannot request another psychiatrist; I am to feel "thankful" that I even have one, for there are many on the waiting list.
The latest in the "I hate my shrink" saga occured the other day. We were talking about moving me out , something she ALWAYS pushes for. I told her I talked to my social worker, and if I moved out with Joel, we both would have to go through my disability, and after adding up the figures, there's no way I could live AND pay my credit card debts. WELL, she kept asking me, "Are you sure, are you SURE" and after repeatedly saying "yes" she went on to express her opinion about my relationship. In her la-de-dah mind, if there isn't the goal of moving out fresh in my mind, how is the relationship going to progress, or last!? Well, that just pissed me off, to put it lightly.
Let me get this out in the open. I have a mental illness that cripples me from interacting and functioning in society. I work my fucking ass off weekly to try and work through it, by walking the malls by myself for certain amounts of time, walking to certain destinations that make me uncomfortable, and going places while having panic attacks and not leaving. Basically what sounds so easy and normal to you readers is unbearably hard, call me a coward, but it's just something I cannot kick. I am sick of people thinking that I'm lazy, that I'm not working hard enough, that I have no goals in life, that I ENJOY this hellhole of an existance that some would call life. Well, I don't. Do you think you'd like to live life torturing yourself to do simple things, to not be able to go out with friends, and ultimately feel like you are letting your best friend down because you can't be there for her?!
There is a point coming, I promise. To go back to what my shrink said, that really hurt. I go through stages where I wonder why Joel is with someone who feels she doesn't even exist, that she doesn't mean anything to anyone. I've had to have conversations with my own lover asking him why he is with me, why he would love someone "like me". When there was a possibility I could have moved with him until my social worker shot me down, I was ecstatic. I felt one door open up for me, and it was quickly slammed shut. So then I ask myself, "Does Joel want to wait for me, however long I am going to have to live at home?!" Is he going to put up with being the "boyfriend next door" for as long as it takes. He told me he will wait as long as it takes, and will support me in every and any way possible. But let me tell you, Dr. Black's words ring in my ears, constantly making me bring up the same topics with Joel all the time. Then, I get even more paranoid, wondering if asking him the same questions all the time will ruin us, that he'll just get sick of my insecurities, then, I go even farther; wondering if by doing this I'm not giving him enough credit.
In a nutshell, that's how I feel. I don't know what you the reader actually know about me, and what you think of me now, but that's how I feel. I'm hurting, and I don't know what to do. How am I going to get better when I feel I am worth as much as a piece of shit on the sidewalk?! How can I love Joel so fucking much but hate myself, the life I am trapped in?! Too many fucking questions, not enough fucking answers.